Yet to be titled.

Note: I feel that this is too ambiguous and doesn't portray the event and desired meaning
properly, but I can't figure out how to make it work. Any critique at all is so greatly appreciated.

Mailboxes lined the road in intervals.
Their mouths open, gaping at the sight of us,
Flags standing up, marking their surrender.

A street unprepared for sultry sadness,
Gravel would never memorize our footprints,
But we did not desire permanence.

These are the things I planned to leave to you:
Nights like these, Mailboxes, Gravel, Solitude-
Which can only be found in my absence.

But you would never accept them at all,
You only wanted my transient breaths to linger.
Heartlessly, I told you to change your mind.

These are the plans that would always fall through:
Sleeping pills in a line and recovery-
I’m shivering on decision’s doorstep.

I gave you that unspoken confession.
I gave you those words from their frames on my wall.
I gave you shards of glass ripped from my side.

And they tore at your hands so viciously.
I found fault trapped underneath my fingernails
Giving one more reason to follow through.

Gravel wouldn’t memorize our footprints.
Although you never expected permanence,
You begged me to stay a minute longer.

Flags placed up; a gesture of surrender.

Placed is kind of a boring word, I think you can do better

These are the plans that would always fall through:

Little pills in a line and recovery-

I’m shivering on decision’s doorstep.

What kind of pills are they? Little doesn't really say much. Are they sleeping pills, amphetamines, narcotics? The rest of the poem gives me the feeling he killed himself, but it's a little hard to tell (well, that and I can never tell what most poems are about anyway... ^^; )

I found fault trapped underneath my fingernails

Giving one more reason to follow through.

Wow. I really like this metaphor... it's pretty original



I liked this poem a lot; it's quiet and reflective and kind of bittersweet, although it is rather ambiguous, as you said. I'm not exactly sure what the glass shards were (I guess insults he threw at her or at himself?), and does he follow through? It ends with her begging him to stay, so... I don't know. It might be improved by adding another stanza that clarifies what happened; a description of him hanging on a rope or falling into her arms or something. Yeah, it was good though. Thanks for sharing this!

wow, this was an incredibaly emotional poem,
about the impermanence of everything, life, love, whatever,

of solitude, only met by the silent stares of mailboxes, now thats cool, but a bit creepy,

there is more to the story, I am sure of it, but I am also fairl certain that you have your reasons for not telling the rest.

not much else to comment about, it had a nice free verse to it, but hell, i thought it was fine,
good work, and keep writing, you have excellent potential as a free verse poet,
gravel never remembers our footsteps, and that is the sadness of teh world, a very good poem, I tip my hat (which is non-existant, but its a metaphorical action) to you,

Peace,
God

Thanks guys!!

As you can see, Trikky, I have taken your critique to heart and made changes accordingly.

See, it's describing an actual event. I agree that the end needs something to wrap it up and explain what happened, but the problem is that the person in question is very much alive. (Well, that's definitely the opposite of a problem, haha, but it is as far as the writing of this piece goes, it becomes an issue.) I spend the whole of the poem developing a darker mood that would be ruined by a happy ending. At the same time, I feel that I would not be able to portray a false ending as realisticly as the rest of the poem. So I'm not quite sure what to do there.

First of all, i think its a great poem. You said it doesn't have the effect you want. To help with that i think you need to make it more hard-hitting, a way to do that would be to bring all the stanzas together. Each one is very strong, but just as the reader gets the effect of it, it is broken by a pause between the next stanza, and the reader must be pulled back in. by joining them all together, the reader is pulled in only one, and the effect can last throughout the entire poem.