Like a Child

"From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger."
-Psalm 8:2


A child
dancing in the moonlight
singing praises to the sky
tracing through the forest
she stops, smells the flowers
sees beauty in new life
she marvels at nature
and seeks its Creator
dreaming
praising
laughing
living

A teenager
won’t dance and she won’t sing
afraid of what people think
she lost her innocence
she lost her love for God
she only wants to grow up
but deep inside her heart
she knows something is missing
she is
longing
hurting
confused
lost

An adult
watches her child dance
listens to her child sing
but she doesn’t join in
her dreams and hopes forgotten
much too busy with work
no time to sing a song
or dance in the moonlight
no time to spend with God
responsibilities
keep her from praising
she is
exhausted
preoccupied
joyless
troubled

Be a child once again
sing, dance, run to the Cross
take refuge in the Lord
release your burdens to Him
find joy despite the troubles
and soon you find yourself
fearless
rejoicing
praising
blessed


"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"
-Philippians 4:4

A child

dancing in the moonlight

singing praises to the sky

tracing through the forest

she stops, smells the flowers

sees beauty in new life

she marvels at nature

and seeks its Creator

dreaming

praising

laughing

living



A teenager

won’t dance and she won’t sing

afraid of what people think

she lost her innocence

she lost her love for God

she only wants to grow up

but deep inside her heart

she knows something is missing

she is

longing

hurting

confused

lost



An adult

watches her child dance

listens to her child sing

but she doesn’t join in

her dreams and hopes forgotten

much too busy with work

no time to sing a song

or dance in the moonlight

no time to spend with God

responsibilities

keep her from praising

she is

exhausted

preoccupied

joyless

troubled



Be a child once again

sing, dance, run to the Cross

take refuge in the Lord

release your burdens to Him

find joy despite the troubles

and soon you find yourself

fearless

rejoicing

praising

blessed

This isn't going to be the most helpful review I know. Overall, i loved this poem. Its inspiring really. The only thing that I can find wrong is the fact that there is no punctuation. I can feel the imagery pouring out of the poem. Nice structure and flow to it. It was really easy to read. Good gob with this poem. Keep it up.

~Alyss

enchanting imagery,nothing more beautiful than a happy child...but I digress

the structure is unique (as it should be)

I like how you give away so much information on the characters condition through single worded lines.

writing can be written in any style the writer wants it to be written in, what matters is the readers reaction.

in the end, I guess this readers reaction is quite positive.

a very inspiring work, sounds like something you'd send in a letter to somebody...or put into a sermon.

This was truly amazing.

The structure is very different and interesting, in this case it's a very good thing and it catches the eye of the reader.

The fact that readers can relate to the poem is usually important and this is a perfect example of a poem like that!

GREAT JOB!!! KEEP IT UP!!!!


Dee Dee E.

This poem gave the reader absolutely nothing that he didn't already know. Basically, it could have been summed up in a line or two, because inside the skeleton of the work that was barely any meat clinging precariously to each stanza. You try to repeat yourself every section but you end up only frustrating the reader as the emotions you portray as so basic that everyone knows what they are and when people have them, without needing to read your work. The end of the poem is a travesty, a deux ex machina of sorts. After all of the sorrow about humanity's condition, you sum it up with a pithy "Love Jesus" order and leave it at that. In some cases, that's fine, but here, you've crashed two different styles and more importantly, ideas together without so much as a warning.

I would not even try to revise this. I hope you can write something better.

What you need to do in future poetry is to not strip away all of the emotions you've described into a single word. That's not the point of an emotion. Describe them as they are presented within the body and mind of the character in the poem and make the reader truly empathize with your message. Instead of "exhausted, preoccupied, joyless, troubled", focus on welding those words and the concepts they represent into the body of your poem.

Hope that helped.

PSH. I would ignore Galerius and try to revise this. I think it has some very lovely imagery in it that just needs a couple of tweaks and revisions and then it'll be okay. We'll go over this later in the critique. ^^ I also have some commentary on the stanzas which hopefully will be useful!

Before I say anything more in the critique, I want to make one thing clear. I don't like saying, "This is wrong! Do it THIS way!" I used to do critiques like that all the time when I was younger, but now that I'm older, I don't really see the point in doing that. That makes it MY poem, not YOURS. And let's face it... this is your poem. So instead of giving you orders, I'll ask you questions which are aimed for you to think more deeply about your poem and thus give you a fuller understanding of what your poem is trying to say. Rarely, we writers can get anything perfect in the first, second, tenth draft. The only way we can make it perfect is going deeper into the rabbit hole. So my questions will be designed for you to think more fully on your poem and then to revise your poem according to your thoughts. That way, your poem will become more fully yours.

A child
dancing in the moonlight <-- this is a total grammar nitpick, but it should actually be "dances" instead of "dancing," if you want to be correct. ^_^
singing praises to the sky <-- "sings" instead of "singing"
tracing through the forest <-- "traces" instead of "tracing"
she stops, smells the flowers <-- flowers are closed during moonlight.
sees beauty in new life
she marvels at nature
and seeks its Creator
dreaming
praising
laughing
living

So I really like this stanza because it's incredibly active. You have a child dancing and singing and walking through the forest and smelling and seeing and marveling and seeking... it's quite active! I like it. ^^ So, the questions that are going through my mind are these:

What is so important about the moonlight? Why can't she be dancing into the sun? What different connotations does "moonlight" provide that "sunlight" doesn't? Does it matter? Why?

Why did you surround the child with nature? Why not her home? Her family? Are you drawing a connection between God and Nature, knowing that God is typically seen as "masculine" while "Nature" is usually feminine? Why? Are the two different here? Why does she still have to find God, though she knows Nature? Is this significant?

Why did you choose a girl? If you chose a boy, would this be different? Why? What would having a boy in this position carry in implications that the girl doesn't?

A teenager
won’t dance and she won’t sing
afraid of what people think
she lost her innocence
she lost her love for God
she only wants to grow up
but deep inside her heart
she knows something is missing
she is
longing
hurting
confused
lost

I find it strange that you used the word "innocence" to describe the teenager. What comes immediately to mind is sexual innocence, but upon thinking about it, this could mean a lot of different things, and I definitely like that ambiguity. Also, the "she knows something is amazing" reminds me of this quote:

"There is a God-shaped hole in every man that only God can fill." -- Blaise Pascal

One thing I wonder... why did you mention God now? As a child, you mentioned God as Creator. What is significant about using God now?

Also, one thing I saw that you did, which I don't know if you intended to do, was you started off with active verbs (longing, hurting) and ended with inactive adjectives. A rather cool thing to do! It totally stalls the poem and makes it seem more hesitant, which matches what is going on with the poem very nicely.

An adult
watches her child dance
listens to her child sing
but she doesn’t join in
her dreams and hopes forgotten
much too busy with work
no time to sing a song
or dance in the moonlight
no time to spend with God
responsibilities
keep her from praising
she is
exhausted
preoccupied
joyless
troubled

...and here you have only adjectives for you four descriptions!

Out of all the stanzas here, this is the one I raise my eyebrow at the most. As a young adult, I have a mother and I have a grandmother. You hopefully are in a similar situation. ^^ Anyway, I am different from my mother who is different from my grandmother. So I guess I fit in more with the teenager. In any case, I'm wondering why you just took adult instead of separating it out into at least two generations--the mother and the grandmother. Is there a reason for this?

And... I've seen a lot of mothers, both young and old... in fact, some of them are my age! In any case, most mothers feel a sense of joy when they watch their daughters and sons race around together. Although they are usually very tired, seeing their children play and have fun, especially if the kids are little. ^^ So this doesn't ring true with me at all. This might be true for working, single mothers, but I don't think this encompasses the whole adulthood.

Try this... ask your mom, or any other mother, really, what she felt like when she saw you as children, just dance around and such. Watch her eyes. If they glow and if she smiles, then I think that you're off the mark. When I asked my mom about us, she said that she actually became more connected with joy just because she experienced our joy with us. ^^ So, if I were writing this poem, I would probably end it with the adult finding joy through her dancing children.

Now I'm ranting. ^^

My main question, I suppose, is why are you portraying the adult as joyless? And why are you only portraying the working adult, in particular?

I... wouldn't keep the last stanza. It doesn't connect with any of the lovely imagery that you put forth through your poem. Besides, we get the idea that God is great and we should praise him. Everything you've written suggests that. So why beat a dead horse? Of course, it's your decision.

Eek. Now I guess you can see why I'm one of the harsher critics on YWS. XD I mean, there's some critics here that would just have you delete things without thinking about it, as you probably can see, but I want you to think about it actively. Oh well!

I do like this work, and it shows plenty of promise. Play around with it and see what you can do. I think you'll find it gets a lot better the more you play around with it.

Hope this helps!


EDIT:

Sorry... I was read Shel Silverstein to help another writer (*gasp!*) and I came across this poem:

Forgotten Language

Once I spoke the language of the flowers,
Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,
Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of the starlings,
And shared a conversation with the housefly
in my bed.
Once I heard and answered all the questions
of the crickets,
And joined the crying of each falling dying
flake of snow,
Once I spoke the language of the flowers. . . .
How did it go?
How did it go?

It reminded me of your poem, so I thought I'd share. It's always interesting to see how another writer puts the same thing down. ^^

I read the poem.

Here is my critique.

"From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger."
-Psalm 8:2

I'm not a big fan about using quotes, biblical or not, in poetry or prose. Usually it is better to create a work which will stand on it's own, without reference to outside sources.

A child
dancing in the moonlight
singing praises to the sky
tracing through the forest
she stops, smells the flowers
sees beauty in new life
she marvels at nature
and seeks its Creator
dreaming
praising
laughing
living

Most flowers close up during the night time, so smelling flowers may be difficult. A forest would also decrease the amount of moonlight and house wild creatures, like wolves and bears. Prancing around the forest is safer in the daylight.

Also, the lines "dreaming; praising; laughing; living" seem weird. The poem would be stronger if you were to incorporate them into the lines above them. So instead of merely saying "dreaming," you would be showing dreaming. Right now they seem to be disconnected from the lines above, which is bad for the unity of the poem.

A teenager
won’t dance and she won’t sing
afraid of what people think
she lost her innocence
she lost her love for God
she only wants to grow up
but deep inside her heart
she knows something is missing
she is
longing
hurting
confused
lost

I think you had a bit of trouble with this part. I would stay focused on what the teenager isn't doing, in order to contrast the teenager from the child. At the same time, I think that some things should be paralleled the child. A teenager may not dance or sing, but that doesn't mean they don't dream or live.

As before, it would be better if you were to incorporate those last five lines into the lines preceding them.

An adult
watches her child dance
listens to her child sing
but she doesn’t join in
her dreams and hopes forgotten
much too busy with work
no time to sing a song
or dance in the moonlight
no time to spend with God
responsibilities
keep her from praising
she is
exhausted
preoccupied
joyless
troubled

This piece has a different problem altogether. I could believe the part about the child and I could even believe the part about the teenager. However, the adult seems to fall short of being believable. This adult (a mother presumably) may have given up on some of her dreams, but this doesn't mean she isn't dreaming. Instead, she may be hoping and dreaming for her children (the child and teenager? If so, where did the teenager go?)

This makes the adult (why not call her a mother?) look like some kind of mindless robot and that just doesn't fit. You may be describing the behavior correctly, but I'm worried that you did not explore the motive properly. The fact that she is a mother indicates that there is another powerful motivator in her life, outside of work. Indeed, this motivator may be driving her to work so hard. They're known as kids.

Be a child once again
sing, dance, run to the Cross
take refuge in the Lord
release your burdens to Him
find joy despite the troubles
and soon you find yourself
fearless
rejoicing
praising
blessed

No religious poem is complete without some sort of preachy ending, right?

The problem with preachy endings is that they are, well, preachy. In this case, it comes across like this "Just do this and you'll be all these things!"

I distrust endings like this. It's easy enough to say "Just do this," but it is much more powerful to show how. Personally, I'd rather see something which transforms the characters mentioned here, instead of being told what could transform them. Seeing is believing after all.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"
-Philippians 4:4

If you don't know why this is bad, you need to re-read my post.

Well I haven't been online in a few days, so I was pleasantly surprised when I saw 6 critiques to my poem. That just made my day. So thanks everyone! I appreciate your input, and I will definitely keep these comments in mind when revising my poem.

wow.. this is beautiful... even though I'm not at all a religious individual, this poem is really quite heart lifting, and gives me hope.. like *DaughteroftheMoon* said... i think that it would be easier to read if there was punctuation, so i would add that.. but other than that it is breath taking, and i love it.. it also interests me in what else you've written, i want to read more... But as i was saying i love the message your poem sends, because it is so true, how children are so unrighteously underestimated but remain the only beings with hope.. i also like what you said about teenagers and how they're self conscious and kind of full of hurt.. because that's really the sad truth.. i think your poem holds much beauty and truth and i would give you a 9/10. the only reason its not a ten is because of the lack of punctuation.. but that's an easy fix.. as i have been saying.. on and on and on.. and probably boring you to death.. I LOVE THE HOPE THIS POEM BRINGS!!!

Hey there, June here!


Seeing that everyone else has touched on (or shredded!) all of the technical errors that might have/may not have existed, I think I shall overlook all of them and just get to the point: the message.


I'm going to say, I disagree with Galerius' statement about not giving the reader anything new. So what? Everything in the world has been seen before, so nothing is ever new. It doesn't matter, your idea can be as old as "roses are red" and as long as you come up with a unique way to interpret and write something, then all is good.

So, to speak, although he was right about not saying anything new, I think this is fabulous!

Snoink is completely right, and that's why I would hate to change anything about this. In all honesty, there isn't anything I would change.

I like this as it is. Perhaps it could use a little polishing, maybe put it aside for a week and then come back to it. As it stands, I like it. Good, good job.

*star*


Keep it up!
June

amazing!!! Thank you so much for posting this!