Friends

Friends just for now,
friends to the end.
Friends take a vow,
and try to comprehend.
Friends just for now,
I'll take another vow.
I'll see you through tempest,
and so much worse.
Friends we'll stay,
I'll never betray.
Maybe someday,
We can be...

Okay; Kirsten here to review for you. The comments are at the end, for just now, let's get onto your poem.

Friends just for now,

Other people might disagree with me but I don't like this starter line too much. It's a bit annoying, and doesn't really make me want to carry on. That said, I'm not very good with starting sentences, I'm sure others could judge much better than me. xD

friends to the end.

This line is a bit too cliche for me. I think you should change it a bit. However, that said, it might hold meaning to you, so you may want to keep it, 'tis completely up to you, dear.

Friends take a vow,

and try to comprehend.

There is something wrong with your capitalization. It's not right, in some lines you have capitals, others you don't.

Friends just for now,

I'll take another vow.

I'll see you through tempest,

and so much worse.

Ok, this is really sweet, but you can't really get "so much" worse than emotional upheaval. You may be able to get worse, but much worse? That might be a bit over the top.

Friends we'll stay,

I'll never betray.

Maybe someday,

We can be...

Okay, let's start with a few simple problems:

capitalization = there's something strange with your capitalization, it's not right. In poems you either choose to capitalize the start of every line, or not capitalize it.

rhyming system = there's something not right with it, lines
1/3/5/6/9/10/11
rather strange.
It seems a bit too forced at times.
The repetition of the word vow is very annoying. You definitely need to change it, it seems like you haven't been able to think of another word (due to the rhyme scheme) and you haven't been able to come up with a word that rhymes with now, so you've just plonked in vow again, and put another in to make it 'fit'. Please get rid of that! It is a huge undoing of this poem.

Ok; on the plus side, this poem is very sweet. It really is.

A few things to take into account:

Emotive Language
You need core emotion. Raw emotion that you are feeling. You have some of that in here, actually, you did pretty well with that. Well done. xoxo

imagery
You need to paint images in our minds. Make us see what is going on. Describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes and the textures, the latter and former only if relevant. You should use some figurative language to improve this poem. Similes, metaphors and such, would really make this poem. You need to paint the scenes. Make us feel what you want us to feel.

Remember the point
Remember what you want to convey. After all, that is the whole point of poetry. Think about what you want us to feel, do you want us to feel happiness, melancholy, frustration, sympathy? You must make us empathise. Apathy is not good, unless you want us to feel apathy. If you have a message to put across, make sure you do so. Always remember why you are writing the poem. You must make us feel for you. Just remember...

I hope I helped you. xD

~Kirsten
xoxo

Friends just for now,

friends to the end.

Friends take a vow,

and try to comprehend.

Okay the lines sound force. Like your making them ryhme, even if they don't seem to fit. Almost everyone makes this same mistake when they write poetry. I know that I do.

Friends just for now,

I'll take another vow.

Lets see, these lines were already used how long ago? Exactly. Also it really throws the rhythm off. I would suggest you take these out.

I'll see you through tempest,

and so much worse.

Friends we'll stay,

I'll never betray.

Maybe someday,

We can be...

When you made these lines, I was completely tuned off to the poem. Do NOT try to rhyme every line. it makes it sound childish, like Dr, Seuss. And all poetry doesn't have to rhyme. Some beautiful poets never rhyme their poetry. If you feel you have to rhyme your poems then maybe make it every other line or something. The last line also, because you have ryhmed every line makes it sound as if you were to lazy to keep up the pattern. I really don't like the last line and think it should be edited.

Also, when you write this, put in some imagery. Maybe a metaphor or two. You can even use symbols. This idea has been wrote thousands of times in poetry. In fact I have seen three or four of these like this around YWS. Make it your own. Not some overly used cliche.

I think that you should really do some editing. With practice your writing and poetry skills will excel. Good luck and keep writing.

This has way too much rhyme in it, and seems pretty shallow. You are just saying what you mean in a rhyming format as opposed to SHOWING themes and thoughts subtly.


Also I find it hard to take poetry written by someone called "LilEMO" seriously.


There is nothing wrong with what you're writing about but this could really be expanded into proper poetry.