Depression

Sometimes I feel hopeless, unwanted, alone.
Sometimes I feel like I could jump off a cliff and no one would really care.
Sometimes Tylenol looks like a way out of this feeling.
I'm less than a drop of salt water in the many oceans on our world.
Who would care if there was one less mouth to feed, one less headache to teach, one less phone call to make?
Then I think about the people I think about the people I would leave behind, I care about, I love.
For them, I put on a happy face, a show, an act.
I don't want them to know how unimportant I feel.
I know it would hurt them if i carried out my plans.
I've tried to get help but I can't bring myself to tell anyone.
So no one knows how I feel inside ... and I hope no one ever will.

Sometimes I feel hopeless, unwanted, alone.
Sometimes I feel like I could jump off a cliff and no one would really care.
Sometimes Tylenol looks like a way out of this feeling. Very good. A stab of reality in a dark fantasy. I mean the Tylenol. You'd have to take a butt load of them to OD, though.
I'm less than a drop of salt water in the many oceans on our world.
Who would care if there was one less mouth to feed,
New lineone less headache to [s]teach[/s] treat,
New lineone less phone call to make?

Right here do a double return. It will separate the black from the white, the love from the hate. Plus, it makes it look neater.

Then I think about the people I think about the people I would leave behind,
NLI care about,
NLI love.
For them, I put on a happy face, a show, an act.
I don't want them to know how unimportant I feel. Perhaps find a more dynamic word than "unimportant"; every one does. This realization trivialized your emotions.
I know it would hurt them if I carried out my plans. (Depends on how you do it. Tylenol wouldn't.) Also: try to elaborate more on how scary the prospect of killing one's self is to you, not just note the problematic pain issue.
I've tried to get help but I can't bring myself to tell anyone.
So no one knows how I feel inside ... and I hope no one ever will.

OVERALL: Please tell me you didn't really think about this. If you did, I'm gonna have to tell You-Know-Who and you'll hate me for the rest of my life ( and no, I don't mean Voldemort).

This is very good; it's very blunt and raw, the way this kind of severe emotion is usually portrayed. It doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy, but it does make you reflect upon your day.

Keep up the good work and PM me if you post anything new!

~Sunny

Hey, Ninja! I'm back again. I noticed you haven't received any other critiques other than mine. I'm thinking you ought to change the title. "Depression" has little feeling and it's a dead give away. Try something that would not tell everyone what it's about, but will also capture their interest.

I know. Easier said than done.

~Sunny

Hello.

Well, I thought that there was a strong message and also strong statements in the poem. But I think that your lines are way too long and that the poem doesn't flow too well. And I think that there are some brilliant ideas in this poem such as this:

Who would care if there was one less mouth to feed, one less headache to teach, one less phone call to make?

But there was not much stated on it or painted on it.

Anyhoo, the emotions were conveyed well in the poem. Perhaps it is your choice of words. But I think that this could be even greater, better than it is.

Okay; you use good emotive language in this poem. I think some imagery would improve it. Paint some pictures for us, tell us of the sights and smells, sounds and textures (if appropriate).
This language has the potential to be good, if you just execute it properly.
KnightlyAngel was right when she said the flow isn't right. It's almost an angst poem. Sure, writing is a great way to get out emotions such as depression, but if you want to make it into a poem then make it a good poem. You have a great foundation here. You have the core, you have raw emotion. I think you should shorten it, just now it's a bit long and goes on a bit too much. Use figurative language and such to make it interesting. First of all though, understand that this is a good poem, you've got lots of raw emotion in it, now you just need to add some nice images and such, to make it interesting.

Hope I wasn't too harsh
Good job so far, and good luck in improving it if you choose to. xD
xoxo