Swear

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What should Mercia's character develope to be like?

  • Motherly 100%
  • Snobby No votes
  • Quiet No votes

Total votes: 2

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The Cherry Wood Forest surrounded me as I ran. My legs throbbed with pain and my short breaths came less and less frequently. I looked for a place to stop and hide, but I could feel my predator gaining on me. I pumped my legs until they were numb. Then I came to a clearing and abruptly stopped. A strange man pushed me to the ground. I looked up only to find him looking straight at me. “Evangeline your time has come. Your destiny awaits you,” his teal eyes flickered to my stomach, “Your child will be born in two days. You and Marciano will be blessed with a beautiful baby girl. You are to name her Mercelda Alison. Be careful.” He walked away.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
I flew up in bed and the baby kicked. I wiped my hand over my sweat drenched forehead. I looked around, 5:00 shined in my eyes, the peach paint was cracked on the walls, and the bed was a complete mess from me tossing and turning. Somehow at 5 o’clock in the morning my parents’ guest room looked different. I waddled silently to the bathroom and peered into the mirror. I was surprised at what I saw, I was hideous. My eyes were tiny, my nose and lips were far too big for my face, and my hair was green and yellow and stuck out in every direction. I knew I wasn’t a morning person, but holy crap. I closed my eyes knowing my husband, Marciano, probably wouldn’t like that look on me. Before I opened my eyes I prayed I looked better than I just had. I opened them and immediately knew my prayer was answered. This time I was gorgeous. My face was amazingly symmetrical, my nose was just the right size, and my lips were full and luxurious. My eyes were a stunning blue and my hair was a light orange with soft curls that hung just above my shoulders. I blinked unwillingly and unfortunately my normal face was back again. My light brown hair hung well below my shoulders in a tangled mess, my dark green eyes were squinted trying to adjust to the brightness of the bathroom light. I shrugged and turned on the shower.
A long, hot shower did me some good. I cleared the fogged mirror with my palm, and saw the hideous, gorgeous, than normal me. This was beginning to become an issue. I guess I could talk to my parents about this. I should talk to my dad about my dream anyways. I wish my husband wasn’t on his business trip, I miss him dearly. I dressed in a white maternity blouse, and stretchy jeans. I began to dry my hair. After I got too tired to blow dry it anymore I brushed it through and tied it up in a pink ribbon. I began my descent down the steps when my mother appeared at the top of the steps, “Good heavens child!” she exclaimed “Evangeline! You are twenty-five you should have waited for your father or myself to help you down these steps! You never know what could happen you may just trip fall and break your neck because you were too stubborn to wait for help!”
“Mom, first of all I am fine. I can walk and climb stairs perfectly fine. It may be slow but it works. What else do you expect a pregnant woman to do? Secondly, I could have slipped with you giving me such a heart attack. I mean please warn a person if you are going to come out of nowhere like that. Third, don’t call me Evangeline. That name is such a mouthful. Call me Eve. It suits me better anyway. I mean how you would feel if dad always called you Mercia. Isn’t Merc better?”
“Poor Marciano gets to hear your huge mouth 24/7. I knew I let you marry him for some reason,” she said teasingly.
“Mom! That is mean. By the way you may want to speak I little softer, father is a light sleeper.”
“Too little, too late blabber mouths,” my father Edson said as he came out of his room. Together we walked down the steps just as my mother had wanted.
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
After coffee was made and pancakes were finished I told my father about my reoccurring dream and the images I have been seeing. Before my father answered he and my mother stared at each other as if having a conversation telepathically. He sighed, “Evangeline, we love you to death, but we haven’t been completely honest with you. Everything weird you have been experiencing has been happening for one certain reason. The reoccurring dreams, the images of yourself, and don’t think we haven’t noticed how you have been piling blankets over yourself in the middle of July.”
“But Dad, what is the reason?”
“Sweetie that is something that is going to have to wait until Marciano gets home. He should be returning in an hour or so. Merc,” my father turned to my mother, “go call Selda, Alston, and Athelston. They need to be here for this as well.”
“Edson, are you sure?”
“Merc we need to do it now.” My mother looked surprised at his decision, but did as told. I sat in my chair completely dumb-founded as to what had just happened.




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Nice to meet you! I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer for today. ^_^

First of all, I'd like to welcome you to YWS. It's a great place to receive critique for your work, so you should return the favor! Before you post your own work, you should have two reviews of other's work.

Thanks!

Vampire story??? :shock: Yes! I love vampire stories! You can has a cookie! *hands cookie*

Anyways...

Onto the review!

“Evangeline your time has come. Your destiny awaits you,” his teal eyes flickered to my stomach,


Comma after Evangeline (I love that name). Also, perhaps you could describe her stomach here (use words like swollen) and even her overall appearance.

On the whole running scene: Explain more why she is running. The main didn't even do anything particularly bad, he just told her what to name her kid. Plus, describe the man. How does he sound as he walks? How does he speak? Why is Evangeline afraid of him?

I flew up in bed



Did she literally fly? Or do you mean she sat up in bed? This is confusing.

I looked around, 5:00 shined in my eyes, the peach paint was cracked on the walls, and the bed was a complete mess from me tossing and turning.


Either replace the comma I bolded with a semi colon, or change shined to shining. ".... the peach paint..." should be a knew sentence.

Also, when you say five o' clock shone in her eyes I think you should mention he is lookign at a clock.

I guess I could talk to my parents about this. I should talk to my dad about my dream anyways. I wish my husband wasn’t on his business trip, I miss him dearly.


This passage is all in present tense. The rest of your piece is in past tense. Change it.

I began my descent down the steps when my mother appeared at the top of the steps, “Good heavens, child!” she exclaimed “Evangeline! You are twenty-five, you should have waited for your father or myself to help you down these steps! You never know what could happen! You may just trip fall and break your neck because you were too stubborn to wait for help!”



This should be in a new paragraph.

There are also many grammatical errors when the mother speaks. I have added them in bold for you.

Also:
This whole scene is weird.
Evangeline should be helped down the stairs because she's pregnant, not because she's twenty-five. What does that matter? I think the mother should be more worried about Evangeline falling and having a miscarriage.

24/7


Spell it out: Twenty-four seven.

“Mom! That is mean. By the way you may want to speak I little softer, father is a light sleeper.”


Why does she call her mother mom but she calls her father father instead of dad?

Sweetie that is something


Comma after sweetie.

I sat in my chair completely dumb-founded as to what had just happened.


Why is she dumbfounded (one word, by the way)? They didn't tell her anything shocking.

All in All

This was pretty good. It was entertaining. I would like to read more.

One thind I noticed was a lot of junk description of Eve's actions. It reminded me of Twilight where Stephanie Meyer describes Bella putting up groceries in minute detail. I don't need to know every detail of Eve's morning rutine.

It was very good, though.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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hey,

your story caught my interesting when it said vampire. i am writing one too but it in the romance fiction.

Now i do agree with Sakura that you don't have to tell us every single action that eve does and how it is done.

those first two paragraph in the beginning after the intefinty sign. split those up. no one want to read such a big paragraph.

that all i can see.

good luck with your story.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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This piece... confused me. In the beginning dream, there is suddenly a man out of nowhere. Then there's weird faces in the mirror, then a revelation that isn't really a revelation at the end. 'Twas confusing. You could keep all of these elements if you explained them a little bit better.

With the dream - Take a little more time to explain the events and how they are happening. Why is she running from the man? Where does he come from? It seems as though she is running, then stops, then the man appears out of nowhere and pushes her to the ground.

The faces in the mirror - Has she seen this phenomenon before? From the way she handles it, I think she has and is not particularly surprised by it. It was like the ugliness shocked her more than the fact her face had changed. If this has happened before, mention that somehow. Say that this was a new one for her or something. As is, it is confusing as to whether or not her face is changing of its own accord, if she is somehow controlling it or if it is dependent on her mood or something.

On the revelation that is not - Sakura already pointed out that Evangeline is reacting to something that they haven't really told her. It's like Peter saying "Alright, I'm going to tell you something really shocking," and Marcy going "Why did you tell me that? I can't handle this for the rest of my life!" He hasn't actually told her anything and so she looks a little silly overreacting to him telling her he is going to tell her news.

Also, one thing I noticed that makes this really hard to read is the dialogue format. When writing fiction, new dialogue by a new speaker needs to start its own paragraph.

ex. "What is your problem?" Irene shouted.

"My problem?" William looked affronted. "You're the one who suggested newts in the peanut butter."

"I said 'nuts'!" Irene stamped forward and shoveled handfuls of amphibians out of the creamy sandwich ingredient. "You need to get your ears checked or something."

See what I mean? Everytime one of them started their own new dialogue, I bumped it down to its own paragraph. However, since Irene was still speaking after her action, I could leave that dialogue in the same paragraph. If William were to start talking again, his dialogue would be its own paragraph.

Anyway, this looks like it could be an interesting story. It just needs a little polishing.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



So verily with the hardship, there is a relief, verily with the hardship, there is a relief.
— Quran Ch 94:5-6