Prologue to Eir's Dream part 1

This is one of my favorite things I've written; so I'm doing this YESNO kind of thing about crits. Obviously the yes won.

Prologue
***

“Quickly, in here.”
Silvani shoved her husband in between a chair and the wall. She knelt in front of him, glancing over her shoulder. Her earlier warning now made his insides crawl.
“They will be coming for me?”
“Yes. You are the crown heir, Love. They would hold you for ransom.”
Her grip tightened on her sheathed weapon. Nishant swallowed uneasily, knowing her unspoken words. That was not all they would do to him, especially since he was so small, and the renegades were mostly women. He turned his attention back to his wife, not wanting to think about such things. Her eyes were flying from corner to shadowed corner, her breath coming hard.
“I don’t want you to be hurt.”
She turned worried green eyes on him, grasping his arm. Nishant smiled a little at her actions. She had a funny way of saying things.
There was a sound of people charging down the hall, coming towards the room they were inside of. In a moment they passed, calling to their friend to search another room. Nishant let out his breath.
“What shall we do? All the doorways are blocked.”
Nishant glanced at her swollen belly worriedly. What would become of their children? They were due any day now.
“When I tell you to run, do it.”
Nishant nodded at his wife’s comment. The sooner they get out the better. It had been a week since the renegade had taken all in the palace as hostage. It would only be a matter of time before the monarchs gave in, or the sedition massacred everyone. Nishant grimaced at the idea. He glanced up at the sound of a chuckle.
“What?”
Silvani shook her head, a huge grin on her face. She kissed him passionately before standing.
“You’re awful cute when you worry.”
Nishant flushed at her comment as she faced the door. The sound of noblemen being tortured and killed reached their ears. Silvani maintained her smile, though her eyes glistened a little.
“You always have a funny way of cheering me up.”
She caressed his fine braided hair before moving to the center of the Great Hall. Nishant ducked behind the chair, the door crashing as soon as he was out of sight. There were angry shouts and hoots of derision as the mob caught sight of the expecting woman. There was a hush as a tall woman with a flowing mane of black hair appeared. Her eyes were black too, but they had a ring of white around the edge. Nishant shivered at the sight of her. She had once been considered a good match for him, being such a powerful Unicorn, and from a royal family to boot.
It was only when Silvani had discovered and exposed Asfini’s plan to remove the empress from her throne that the engagement had been annulled. Nishant’s older brother, Ananta, was ruler at the time, and had been furious when he found out what Asfini had been planning to do to their mother. Nishant again marveled at how the Unicorn had used them. He glanced at her terrible, yet beautiful face, a smile appearing on her red lips as she mocked his precious wife. Nishant grimaced and ducked behind the chair. He didn’t have to see the lifeless eyes of the traitor to know of her evil deeds.

You've had like, no crits. Now that will not do. =)

That was not all they would do to him, especially since he was so small, and the renegades were mostly women.

So... they wouldn't only kill him, but because he's so small, do something else because he's a man renegade? This confused me--see the bottom.

“I don’t want you to be hurt.”

I know that Silvani said this, but it took a couple of sentences for you to tell us that. We could do with knowing a bit earlier, as opposed to a second or two of bland of confusion. Regardless, this is oddly written. It's either passive or simply weirdly put and forced. Specify too. Try: "I don't want to hurt you," or, "I don't want anyone to hurt you."

coming towards the room they were inside of.

Get rid of that annoying bulk towards the end, with: "coming towards their room." From that, we can assume they are inside it and you've eliminated a telling verb: "to be".

In a moment they passed, calling to their friend to search another room.

Very convenient, no? I would really see a lot more fear for your character if Silvani runs forwards and locks the door. Because we know that they will get through eventually, just shows some fear and makes them even more confined, again building tension until the end of this part.

“You’re awful cute when you worry.”

No one speaks with perfect grammar, but I'd like to point out that it's "awfully".

The sound of noblemen being tortured and killed reached their ears.

This is forcing it down our throat somewhat. How do they know that they are noblemen? Maybe butlers? I think more on the lines of vivid screaming from someone. We don't know who and it makes it more fearful.

Alrighty. ^_^

A few things:

1) Your dialogue's not bad, but it feels like floating heads. Sometimes it takes me too long to work out who's speaking, and sometimes I can't at all. Stick in a few more speech tags.

2) Confusion. I'm rubbish at understanding stories but I couldn't quite grasp the plot to this. They're in a castle, taken hostage a week ago, and are trying to escape? What? Why a week ago--why weren't they chased before? I'm sure the answers to these are in there but they just aren't clear to me.

3) It was interesting prologue but I felt that there was too much information coming out about the castle, but not enough about the characters and their emotions and thoughts. We got an insight into Silvani and Nishant's relationship, but I think that should come later. We've got too much going on to look at something like that.

4) Don't alienate us. We don't know much about these renegades, or, generally, anything else, so why go on about them so much. I'd like to see some physical descriptions or some more fear, or emotion, or reasons as to why the former may be missing. Generally, a little more character development.

5) Pacing. It's difficult to create a lot of tension without completely knowing any of your characters, and that's next to impossible in the opening scene. Therefore, it's important to try and give something the reader will care about, like a goal that much be reached--is it escape? We need emotions to reflect it. I couldn't really decide who I was cheering for, something you need to think about.

6) Descriptions falls into this a lot. Describe the world around your characters and how it affects them. Any memories? Connections? Blood stains? Use sensory imagery, especially in terms of hearing and smell, since your characters are effectively blind to anything outside the door.

I did enjoy that, since there's some good writing in there. Just be careful about becoming too cliché; lots of stories have kings and such being overthrown, and mysterious heir being captured. That said, I'm interested as to where this will lead.

Best,

Blinky

Thanks for the crit, Blink. I didn't realize it was so unclear in some parts. ^o^" This prologue is about twelve pages long, so, some things will be revealed. I think I'll post the rest before I start tweaking it.

Thanks again. It was very helpful.

I read this part of your prologue (I realize it's not the whole thing) and I'll tell you what I think about it.

“Quickly, in here.”

Silvani shoved her husband in between a chair and the wall.

It might just be me, but when you say 'in here' I immediately picture a hole or something else you can actually get into, not the space between a chair and a wall. I'd change it to 'over here'.

“What shall we do? All the doorways are blocked.”

Who said this?

Nishant glanced at her swollen belly worriedly.

I know you're talking about Silvani's belly here, but since she wasn't mentioned for a bit I almost thought you mixed up the names. I'd change it to 'Nishant glanced at Silvani's/his wife's belly worriedly', just to be clear.

Nishant shivered at the sight of her.

Nishant was ducking behind the chair, so how can he see the woman? Did she enter the room he was in or is he watching from where he's hiding?

It was only when Silvani had discovered and exposed Asfini’s plan to remove the empress from her throne that the engagement had been annulled. Nishant’s older brother, Ananta, was ruler at the time, and had been furious when he found out what Asfini had been planning to do to their mother. Nishant again marvelled at how the Unicorn had used them.

I had to read this twice before it clicked. The names got a bit confusing, probably because of so much new information in such a small amount of space. One little thing: you say Asfini had plans to remove the empress from the throne, but in the next sentence you say Ananta was ruler at that time. So, who's in charge, Ananta or his mother? If Ananta is, then why is it so important for Asfini to remove her from the throne? Just wondering here.

As for the characters, I have some problems with Nishant. I understand he needs to be protected because he's the heir and all, but I think his passiveness is a bit over the top. First of all, his wife shoes him into hiding behind a chair and tells him to stay put until she says he has to run and not to worry. All right, I can understand she wants to keep him safe and takes care of him. But he lets her do this all without even once protesting or worrying about her safety. Secondly, he then lets her walk into the enemies hands even though she's pregnant. I don't know, but if I were a man and we were surrounded by renegades and my wife was pregnant, I definitely wouldn't just let her walk into their hands. (I do realize this is just a part of the prologue and that you might have explained his behavior in a later part, but I can only react to what I see. )

As for Silvani, I like her character. She's strong and doesn't shy away from danger. The only downside to her (as far as I can tell at the moment) is the fact that she doesn't really seem to take her unborn children into account. I hope she has her reasons.

As I mentioned above and Blink mentioned before me, you need some more speech tags to clear up who's talking to who.

I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you when you say things become a little clearer in the rest of the prologue.

All in all, I quite liked it! I'd like to read the rest of this.

Hey, thanks, White.

I feel kind of lame, that I didn't see that part with Ananta and their mother.^o^" I was probably rewriting something and... stopped in the middle... or something. X(

I know he comes of as very passive, but that's kind of how it's supposed to be- the way I set up my society and all. I will tweak it a bit so he's not too passive.

Hey I liked it some of the parts were abit confusing, but this is really good ! I hope that you continue writing this one- you should definetely make it much more epic (: And i like it alot it made my skin crawl lol =] but it was definetely good, i rly liked it. It should go in the fantasy novels- keep working on it definetely.