Gravity

Thank you dear friends,
you did great things for me,
you did great things to me,
I have repaid my debts,
but our good deeds have lifted the barriers.
The gravity is gone.

Where are we going?
We are walking on a straight road,
but the path is splitting.
Perhaps if we held hands,
we would stay together,
but we have never been so close.

I will take a turn to the left,
and I hope you will follow.
But I fear some will turn right,
and others will carry on going.
Who knows where we will end up?
We all need our own direction.

And suppose a group of you tag along?
I might call a taxi,
but only a few will be able to join me.
I might leave town, meet the outsiders,
and befriend them.
But you might be afraid.

Maybe, when I'm walking alone,
my path will cross yours.
But will you remember me?
Perhaps we will nod at eachother and carry on,
or maybe we will walk together,
but even then our path will split once more.

We are all planets,
orbiting an anonymous star,
but that star is dying,
and soon we will drift,
gravitating towards other stars,
relying on chance to bring us together again.

Thank you dear friends,

you did great things for me,--First of all, keeping constant capitalization at the beginning of each line helps the reader immensely. If a poem has mixed capitalization it makes the poem feel unbalanced. Also, starting with a reference to something past is good, it gives the impression that more is to come, and that the poem has a point it is about to make.

you did great things to me,--When I first read this line, I questioned the meaning of it. I sort of thought twice about it. "You did great things to me," It just makes the reader wonder...what is he talking about? Also, I think the comma here is unneeded.

I have repaid my debts,

but our good deeds have lifted the barriers.

The gravity is gone.--The previous three lines do not make sense to the reader, I am trusting they make sense to the author. Just a tad confusing. Maybe you want it that way, but if at all possible, clarity would be nice.



Where are we going?--This line seems more for the reader, because obviously, (from the next line) you know exactly where you are going.

We are walking on a straight road,

but the path is splitting.

Perhaps if we held hands,

we would stay together,

but we have never been so close.--I really like this stanza. It's simple, but it tells a lot.



I will take a turn to the left,

and I hope you will follow.

But I fear some will turn right,--Maybe you should say TO THE right, it sounds like you mean turn to doing right instead of the direction right. Maybe that's how its supposed to be...?

and others will carry on going.

Who knows where we will end up?

We all need our own direction.



And suppose a group of you tag along?

I might call a taxi,

but only a few will be able to join me.

I might leave town, meet the outsiders,

and befriend them.

But you might be afraid.--This is a choppy stanza, unclear in most points. I don't think it's needed.



Maybe, when I'm walking alone,

my path will cross yours.

But will you remember me?

Perhaps we will nod at eachother and carry on,--Each other instead of eachother.

or maybe we will walk together,

but even then our path will split once more.--I like this one. Keep it.



We are all planets,

orbiting an anonymous star,

but that star is dying,

and soon we will drift,

gravitating towards other stars,

relying on chance to bring us together again. --Good ending stanza. All in all you have a good poem on your hands. Keep writing.

--Clue.

hmm I didn't know where you were taking me at first...

but i guess I just needed to sit back and watch you go

...hmm

it becomes unclear what you are trying to say.

you're describing a lot of things that happen

and then happen again...

I understand what you're trying to say...

but in the middle you started to say the same thing.

it was a good poem...

the ending stanza reminded me
of a poem I myself once wrote...
but I digress...

your writing (in my eyes)
seems to repeat itself (to a degree)
in order to say the same thing...
or is it your way of conveying the situation...

I don't know(I'll have to read it all over again)

This sounds like it could've been in the book of Psalms, sort of...and that's a compliment, believe it or not.

I find it rather interesting to read into something that sounds like the writer is on a road that he doesn't know where his journey is taking him. Perhaps I'm wrong in assuming that, but that seemed to be what struck me about this piece. The unknown is a tricky thing, and I think it's a burden we all have to deal with as we grow up.

I liked the touch in this. It was handed well, subject-wise. Thank you for posting it.