M.I.A.

The gentleman gave his name as "Mr. Gray."
I admitted him and hustled him into my office. "Just sit here, Mr. Gray."

The office was nothing fancy. Three faux-leather chairs sat facing my desk, which was a serviceable plastic model. After all, I didn't even warrant a plaque yet.

"I promise this will be brief." He reached into his breast pocket. "Do you know what this is?"

It was a small, silver wafer about the size of a dollar coin. "A computer disc," I said with certainty. After all, computers are my business.

"Quite right. Inspect it, please."

I bristled. "Sir, I'm an executive, not a magician's helper."

He thrust the disc into my hand. "I like to call her MIA; it stands for Mach's Internet Artifice."

Ah, an IA; how did I guess? "And are you Mach?"

"No, indeed. My client wishes to be anonymous... for now." He tapped a think finger on my desk; that was no programmer's hand. "If you would be so kind, sir..."

I pressed the disc into the console's reader; a plain blue screen appeared. A line of text scrolled up: "Please state the name of your query."

"Later, of course, we'll add in a voice synthesizer." Mr. Gray leans over my shoulder.

Was this it? I'd met with him for a search engine?

"Mr. Gray..."

"There's more." He reached over and typed "Info Query: Lightier Company, 2010-2025." Several pages blinked into existence.

"You see, the system automatically saves any pages you read. It's like a personal fact file." He clicked on an article titled "Lightier Company: The Good, the Bad, and the Mechanical."

It began, "What exactly is Lightier Company? Any child can tell you: the world's leading producer of computer software."

It went on to detail the company's history, from its founding back in 2010 to the present. Obviously, the author was familiar with Lightier. I checked his name: Matthew Rosen. Lightier's founder, and my close friend.
***

"Artificial Intelligence... it's a dime a dozen. No, the Internet is where the money is." Matt leaned back in his chair. "You'll help me out, won't you, Burk?"

I nodded.

"That's settled then! In a few weeks I should have a prototype ready."

I was baffled, but didn't say anything.

"That's not the only reason to rejoice," Matt said. "I'm a grandfather now."

Mr. Gray spoke, jolting me from my thoughts. "How did she know that?"

"Know what?"

He shook his head. "How did MIA know to not only research Lightier, but Matthew Roses as well? She's smart."

Or lucky, I thought.

"I don't mean for this to be her only function; a search engine could do just that. No. What my client has is store will be much more impressive. If you grant us that patent."

I shook his hand. "Mr. Gray, you have a deal."

He thrust the disc into my hand. For the first time I noticed an Asian cast to his features. I guessed him to be about forty-five, and Japanese or perhaps South Korean. Mr. Gray, indeed!

If your protagonist is white, the fact that "Gray" is asian would be something he'd notice right off the bat--humans, by their nature, notice the differences before the similarities. Also, unless your protagonist has much experience with many different ethnic groups of Southeast Asia, he likely wouldn't be able to differentiate between South Korean and Japanese--or, if he did, he wouldn't be able to place those labels to him. If he does have that experience, mroe power to him

The piece is really too short to go into real detail about plot and character, but I would like to point out that you've nearly failed in the first rule of writing a story--draw the reader in. You've managed to hold this reader's interest throughout the relatively short piece, but if more intriguing information is not presented, you would soon lose me. Make it more itneresting; more mysterious, more alien.

Also: run through your piece with a fine-toothed comb; typos abound.

--D

Hey Stori!

I bristled. "Sir, I'm an executive, not a magician's helper!"

You already state he's agitated, so maybe no exclamation point. It makes it seem too loud and snappish, when he's just bristling, and I would imagine this guy has more patience if he works with computers.

Ah, and I.A; hod did I guess?

Did you mean "an" I.A. here?

He tapped a think finger on my desk; that was no programmer's hand.

A think finger? I'm guessing you meant thick.

"Later, of course, we'll add in a voice synthesizer."

I'm guessing the Mr. Gray says this, though initially when I read this I thought it was the technician. Considering it's following the technician's actions, perhaps clarify it is Mr. Gray speaking.

Introducing...
The beginning is very abrupt. There's really no introduction, and the reader is dropped immediately with a computer guy and Mr. Gray walking into the room. There is a very "just dropped in" feeling to the story, and I just think there should be more of an intro. Maybe describe the setting itself, since it is unclear. I imagine they're in his office in a shop, or maybe it's a company? I'm not entirely sure. Either way, setting is always a nice place to begin to introduce us to the story, or maybe even a little snippet on the computer guy (I don't believe you gave him a name).

The story so far..
Well, there isn't too much of one. I'm wondering what's so important about his close friend showing up on the disc at the end - that seems like something that might be of interest in the next part of the story - but I'm not entirely sure where the story is going. Which is alright - this was very short, and I've been introduced to the title computer program, so there's really no rush to knowing exactly what's going on right away. I just will state that so far, I'm not at all sure where the story means to go from here.

I hope you'll post more then, so I can see! PM me with questions.

~ Clo

All right this is real short so my critique will be too.

the main problem with this is that there is no reason to keep reading, whats the hook? where is the catch? what makes this exciting? as far as im concerned this could be a day in a Microsoft exec office.

now specific problems

Ah, and I.A; hod did I guess? "And are you Mach?"

what is I.A? am i missing something because that isn't a term im familiar with. and i'm pretty sure hod isn't a word.

"I like to call her Mia; it stands for Mach's Internet Artifice."

mia should be all caps as it is an acronym. i dont care if you want it to read as a name the reader will assume that he is calling her mia yet when they read it they will it understand its acronym status. second problem, what the heck is an internet artifice? are you going to explain this or is this something i should already know?

overall it could be good. i was confused by the ending but thats probably just me. i already told you the big problem. this just isnt as exciting as it could be.

7/10 in my book. keep it up.

well i can not fully critique it being its so short and not really finishing but pretty good for about half a pages worth on a books page

So...


Good thing:

You are using a style of writing I haven't seen recently: a kind of Nancy Drew-fast-forward-adult-science style. It's often used in adult books, in a straightforward, dull way, but you have a slightly different approach. It's intriguing because we don't understand the terms very well.


Bad thing:

It's to short, with an abrupt ending. Nothing very significant, or at least the reader can't tell it's significant yet. Try to make the fact that he found his friend listed an offhand thing and then say how important it is later-it makes it more mysterious.

Keep writing! This would be a great story if you added a bit more plot.

Stori wrote:The gentleman gave his name as "Mr. Gray." I admitted him and hustled him into my office. "Just sit here, Mr. Gray."

This is worded awkwardly. Maybe break it into two sentences.

It was alright. Definitely not one of my favorite pieces. It seemed to lack something. I felt like I was sitting in a waiting room chair waiting for a meeting to end. There was nothing to truly hook the reader.

What do you all want me to do with this?
Should I edit it and write chapter two?

I reckon you need a chapter two, for certain.

Interesting. Makes me wonder what this is all about.... Again, you might want to watch your spelling, but other than that, it's good. I like it, really like it. It made me think and start to come up with all sorts of theories. I'm definitely reading more if you post it.