The Masked Ball

She swept into the room, the image of beauty. Her long, flowing white dress, dark hair and violet eyes hidden by a silver mask drew all the single men, while the taken ones where towed away by their jealous wives and girlfriends.

Elizabeth decided to dance with a man named James. They swirled around the room, and she was happy, believing that she had found a good candidate. She glanced over James’s shoulder to see a lanky boy, about the age of seventeen, staring at her, ignoring his date, who was chattering away. He had shaggy brown hair and large round glasses. When his eyes looked into her dark ones, she immediately stopped.

“Why have you stopped dancing, my love?” asked James. “Do you feel sick? I could take you to my house. It is very quiet and…empty.”

Elizabeth turned and glared and James with her sharp eyes. He took a step back, then slunk into the crowd, like a cowering dog with his tail in between his legs. She turned her attention back to the boy, who was being yelled at by his date. The boy had not taken his eyes away from her, and he was getting an earful for it.

“Andrew! Why are you looking at her! She is not your date! I am! You should be paying attention to me! ME! Ask me to dance! Get me some food! At least look at me! ANDREW!”

“I think that I’m going to go dance with that beautiful girl over there,” said Andrew, starting towards the girl in white.

Andrew’s date screamed and ran towards Elizabeth. She stopped in front of her and yelled, “Nobody steals my man!” She raised her hand high to slap her and brought it down.

Elizabeth grabbed her wrist before her hand came close to her face. Then, she tossed Andrew’s date aside. She huffed, straightened herself out, and went off to dance with James, trying to get someone jealous. Neither Andrew nor Elizabeth gave a second thought about her.

“Hi, I’m—“

“Andrew,” said Elizabeth. “And my name is Elizabeth.” Then she blushed and bowed her head, letting a curtain of dark hair fall between her and Andrew.

“Would you like to dance?” asked Andrew, holding out his hand.

She took it, and they spun around the room perfectly, as though they had done this a thousand times. They were clearly the most beautiful and most graceful off all there. The one time Elizabeth tore her eyes away from Andrew’s, she saw Andrew’s date, face red and tears streaming down her cheeks. But then Elizabeth’s eyes found Andrew’s and they were the only thing that she could see.

When the song ended, she whispered in Andrew’s ear “Follow me” before disappearing into the crowd.

She led him to the dock, where there was a small rowboat just big enough for two. Andrew helped her in before pushing off and jumping neatly in beside her. They rowed to the middle of the lake, where they sat under the full moon, enjoying the calm night around them.

Seconds after looking at each other again, they leaned forward to kiss. That was when the monster inside Elizabeth roared and scraped its claws down her stomach. With a gasp, she fell to the bottom of the boat, causing the whole thing to shake violently.

“Elizabeth! Elizabeth!” cried Andrew. “Are you okay?”

Elizabeth looked up and purred, “I’m fine.” She slid forward and removed her silver mask, allowing him to see her full face. She kissed his neck and smiled, her teeth growing into fangs. Then, she bit down into the soft flesh of his skin, warm blood spilling into her eager mouth. The only sound that escaped Andrew’s lips was a moan of pleasure.

[i]Just as I suspected [/i]thought Elizabeth. [i]A White Soul.[/i]

As she drank her full under the white, innocent moon, her eyes grew greener and greener and Andrew’s life force grew less and less, all of his power being transferred to Elizabeth through his blood.

When she had licked the last drops of the most delicious blood off her lips, Elizabeth dropped Andrew’s empty carcass to the bottom of the boat.

A shout from the shore drew her attention. She jerked her head towards the sound and noticed several black figures with guns and torches climbing into boats and heading towards her. With a hiss, Elizabeth spread her black wings and shot into the starry sky, collapsing the boat.

Andrew’s body sunk to the bottom of the lagoon, and Elizabeth’s mask floated down onto his open hand.

Okay, I'm not very good at grammar, so I'll do my best to stay away from that, and just comment on the story.

Overall, I felt something was missing. Yeah, I know, very vague, but something wasn't there. I guess I just didn't like how she was 'perfect' or how her and Andrew were 'the most beautiful' ect. *shrugs* May just be me, but that threw me off.

“I think that I’m going to go dance with that beautiful girl over there,” said Andrew, starting towards the girl in white.

I really don't like how he says this. It seems like something that he would think, but now say. It just seems...unrealistic to me.

Then, she tossed Andrew’s date aside

I don't like this either, it just seems too easy, too nonchalant. I think you need to describe what happened a little more.

She huffed, straightened herself out, and went off to dance with James, trying to get someone jealous.

This really confused me, as I assumed the 'she' was Elizabeth, not the other girl.

That was when the monster inside Elizabeth roared and scraped its claws down her stomach.

There has to be another way to say this. When I first read it, I was like 'what the crap just happened?' It just didn't sound right.

As she drank her full under the white, innocent moon, her eyes grew greener and greener and Andrew’s life force grew less and less, all of his power being transferred to Elizabeth through his blood.

I think this needs to be split into two sentences.

Andrew’s body sunk to the bottom of the lagoon, and Elizabeth’s mask floated down onto his open hand.

I think this is a good ending sentence, but the 'and' breaks it up, lessening the emotional impact. I'm not sure how you should rephrase it, but I thought the general image that it gave was very good.

Well, that's my two cents. I hoped that I helped

Hello, Dragnet; I'm going to give you a line by line crit.

Her long, flowing white dress, dark hair and violet eyes hidden by a silver mask drew all the single men, while the taken ones where towed away by their jealous wives and girlfriends.

I don't see how a mask can hide hair, unless it had some kind of headdress on top.

Elizabeth decided to dance with a man named James. They swirled around the room, and she was happy, believing that she had found a good candidate.

This sounds a bit like 'he said/she said;' what is Elizabeth thinking at this point in time?

“Why have you stopped dancing, my love?” asked James. “Do you feel sick? I could take you to my house. It is very quiet and…empty.”

I know she has this effect on people, but it seems a bit off here, as if he's known her for a long time.

“Andrew! Why are you looking at her! She is not your date! I am! You should be paying attention to me! ME! Ask me to dance! Get me some food! At least look at me! ANDREW!”

“I think that I’m going to go dance with that beautiful girl over there,” said Andrew, starting towards the girl in white.

Here you switched from Elizabeth to Andrew; it seems a little odd. Maybe if Elizabeth is listening to their conversation as she dances, or is pretending to talk to someone else, etc.

Andrew’s date screamed and ran towards Elizabeth. She stopped in front of her and yelled, “Nobody steals my man!” She raised her hand high to slap her and brought it down.

This seems a little over the top- and unrealistic in your setting. I could see this chick maybe act condescending or 'politely hating' Elizabeth, but not this.

Elizabeth grabbed her wrist before her hand came close to her face. Then, she tossed Andrew’s date aside. She huffed, straightened herself out, and went off to dance with James, trying to get someone jealous

Here, I couldn't tell that the second sentence was about Andrews date.

They were clearly the most beautiful and most graceful off all there.

Ad a description; what is it that makes them beautiful together?

She led him to the dock, where there was a small rowboat just big enough for two. Andrew helped her in before pushing off and jumping neatly in beside her. They rowed to the middle of the lake, where they sat under the full moon, enjoying the calm night around them.

A conversation here would be good; everything is happening so fast.

Seconds after looking at each other again, they leaned forward to kiss. That was when the monster inside Elizabeth roared and scraped its claws down her stomach. With a gasp, she fell to the bottom of the boat, causing the whole thing to shake violently.

Hm. Maybe you could have her struggling with this throughout the night; just to have it suddenly happen at this point seems a little unrealistic; is it the moon, is it the fact that Andrew is about to kiss her?

Elizabeth looked up and purred, “I’m fine.” She slid forward and removed her silver mask, allowing him to see her full face. She kissed his neck and smiled, her teeth growing into fangs. Then, she bit down into the soft flesh of his skin, warm blood spilling into her eager mouth. The only sound that escaped Andrew’s lips was a moan of pleasure.

Interesting, though I was expecting something a little different. Also, why is Andrew not worried about her any more?

Just as I suspected, thought Elizabeth. A White Soul.

Interesting. Kind of odd that it didnt' italicize. X(

As she drank her full under the white, innocent moon, her eyes grew greener and greener and Andrew’s life force grew less and less, all of his power being transferred to Elizabeth through his blood.

This is something that bugs me about vampires; why do they need blood specifically?

A shout from the shore drew her attention. She jerked her head towards the sound and noticed several black figures with guns and torches climbing into boats and heading towards her. With a hiss, Elizabeth spread her black wings and shot into the starry sky, collapsing the boat.

This doesn't make sense; how did they know she is a vampire?

Andrew’s body sunk to the bottom of the lagoon, and Elizabeth’s mask floated down onto his open hand.

Nice imagery.

Well, at the moment it sounds like a typical vampire story. I mean, there's nothing particularly striking about it except for the 'whte soul' part. X(
I think you should slow it down, make her a more personal character; why should we care about this vampire? What makes her different?
Well, keep writing; I'm interested in where you're going with this. If you need anything, feel free to PM me.

I'm new here and don't have very much experience in critisizing other peoples work, so I'm sorry if I don't offer much help! I thought that the idea and how the story played out were both good, the idea of meeting at a ball, everyone being transfixed by this lady in white was a good image to start everything off. I felt that the story at some points however seemed a bit rushed, the dancing with James seems to go by quite quickly whereas I feel there could have been more description of the surroundings. I felt the same for when they are on the lake, it seems to go quite quickly whereas the action of rowing and the atmosphere between them could have been prolonged with more description on the lake and how it looked in the moonlight, setting an eerie scene for what is to come. Other than that I did like the story, nice ending too!

Characters:
Your characters to me seem a bit robotic. The dialogue between them especially are unrealistic.

“I think that I’m going to go dance with that beautiful girl over there,” said Andrew, starting towards the girl in white.

Have you heard anyone, I mean anyone ever say this? No, totally unrealistic. You need to humanize you story. The reader feels nothing for your characters. More emotion should go into it, the purpose of a story is to convey emotions.

Andrew’s date screamed and ran towards Elizabeth. She stopped in front of her and yelled, “Nobody steals my man!” She raised her hand high to slap her and brought it down.

This also sounds very robotic, and unrealistic depending on the time period. From the sound of it they are at a ball, and there are vampire hunters, leaving me to think that this is a time in history. And this dialogue is not something you would hear then.

Info Dumps and Other things:

Elizabeth decided to dance with a man named James. They swirled around the room, and she was happy, believing that she had found a good candidate.

She did this, se did that...blah,blah,blah... You do alot of telling instead of showing in the story. Do not say that she was happy, show she was happy.

Your version: ...and she was happy, believing that she had found a good candidate.
My version: ...Her cheek's flushed with pleasure, believing that she had found an eligible candidate.

See the difference?

She glanced over James’s shoulder to see a lanky boy, about the age of seventeen, staring at her, ignoring his date, who was chattering away. He had shaggy brown hair and large round glasses. When his eyes looked into her dark ones, she immediately stopped.

Lots of showing here. You have a long list of adjectives that will bore the reader. It could sound like this:

Glancing over James' shoulder to see a young lanky boy. He loomed over his date who was chattering animatedly into his ear. However, his attention was focused on Elizabeth, his eyes busy taking her in. The boy finally met her dark purple eyes and she stared into his. She abruptly stopped dancing.

You could add in the part of him being seventeen when they are dancing and she could ask him his age and so on. That whole paragraph that you had was a complete info dump, you don't want to bore your reader like that. An info dump is the criminal act of dumping a long description of something on your reader all at one time.

Punctuation and Grammar:

I didn't see that much wrong with your punctuation and grammar. Everything is in order there, although you may have had a few spelling mistakes, I think that if you went back over it carefully you could find them.

Good luck with your writing! Practice makes perfect!

~Alyss

Hi there! I'm not very good when it comes to criticing but I'm gonna try my best. First off, it seemed quick and I got confused at parts. I think you know which ones I mean, they've all been mentioned by others lol. And that one sentence:

“I think that I’m going to go dance with that beautiful girl over there,” said Andrew, starting towards the girl in white.

That was just weird. People think that, not say that. I was a little surprised to find out she was a vampire and just killed the kid but still...cool . And when all those men with the guns and torches were coming, how did they know she was a vampire? Were they tracking her or something? Well anyways, the last sentence there

Andrew’s body sunk to the bottom of the lagoon, and Elizabeth’s mask floated down onto his open hand.

I really enjoyed that. It was pretty sweet. Though there was plenty of others, but I'm gonna leave it at that. I really enjoyed it though do keep writing.