Nightmare's Pendulum

This was... interesting to write. I know what I meant to say by it, but what do you think of it? I'm in too much of a trance. Would like some thought, please. Forgive me if this just bores you and is dull. I was intentionally sparse with commas.

Nightmare’s Pendulum

The swing swings in the wind. Like a pendulum. Counting time.
There is no end.
The swing seat chapped with rust flies over a field of grey that spreads forever into the skyline. And it will swing forever. It will only ever see a line of solid grey paving on and on and on into eternity.
The sky burns. All the colours of ember burn in the dents between the clouds, black, drifting as the solid wall against the sun. But it’s cold. Full of ice. It should be warm; flames crackle like stars and poison the park with its thrust, gentle yet scorching. But it’s cold. Cold like a match in a freezer. Warring.
A shape begins to form on the horizon. It spreads its shadow like a tree in the breeze that glowers and dares the swing to fly at it wobbling, twitching the heat as two eyebrows scorning it. Like a bad parent.
Tick, tick.
A teddy bear leans against the railings reciting its favourite verse from its favourite poem. But it can’t remember anything. The chill carries his voice away.
The howls howling; the cackles cackling; the creaks creaking.
In a manner of decency the shape becomes a girl and fine-tunes her lips into rope. Salty rope. The lower is split and blood trickles down her face along the smooth white that composes her skin. The red licks it. And strokes her tongue, cutting into the flesh. Blood is… she wonders… there is no word for it.
There is. She does not know it. If she ever finds the old civilisation she may learn it. She may find a dictionary. She may learn English. She may forget E. E cannot compare.
Because everything is the same in the City. All share all. To offer a comparison identifies a parallel line. They do not know who they are. They are people; there is nothing else. It is utopia. It is dystopia. It is perfect. It is nothing.
Tock, tock.
She is still walking with the wind to push her. It fights. She spins through it and breaks its neck. It calms. The swing meets her trance and the two bags hanging from her eyes like cloud; she has never felt the pillow upon her head. She has never slept. She has never dreamt. She can never have a dream come true.
Tick, tock.
She picks up her teddy and strokes his hide. Patting him on the back. Then suddenly the strokes become more violent and the glaring in her eyes becomes a soft sea of blue. Caught in the sigh of its wave. The wind’s fingers go through her hair. Her fingers go through the teddy’s hair. Then they become more like savage gropes and she screams tearing the head from it and falling back into the swing midflight.
I love you! the teddy bites.
‘I hate you!’ the girl retorts.
She smiles on the swinging clock. Time has returned love to her. She has returned to Time.

Hey Blink! You're an instructor now!

The swing swings in the wind.

I know you probably did this on a purpose, but I don't think it works well. Swing swings sounds hokey-ish in it's repetition, and I don't think it read well and isn't a strong beginning to this story. Another verb is really needed here. This as it is seems a very poor choice.

The swing seat chapped with rust flies over a field of grey that spreads forever into the skyline.

When I first read this, I read it as "rust flies", rather than the swing being chapped with rust, haha. Maybe try rephrasing it so the descriptive word is away from the verb - like "The rust-chapped swing seat flies over a field of grey".

The sky burns. All the colours of ember burn in the dents between the clouds, black, drifting as the solid wall against the sun. But it’s cold. Full of ice. It should be warm; flames crackle like stars and poison the park with its thrust, gentle yet scorching. But it’s cold. Cold like a match in a freezer.

What exactly is it? The sky, the atmosphere? This paragraph was just a little hazy.

Warring.

Okay. So, what is warring? What purpose does this word here serve? The only thing I can imagine warring after your last description is the flames of the sky and the cold.

It spreads its shadow like a tree in the breeze that glowers and dares the swing to fly at it wobbling, twitching the heat as two eyebrows scorning it.

The last bolded bit is very confusing. It's strange to think of this something "twitching the heat". What do you mean by this? The heat is moving? And I think "like" would sound more clear than "as", or you could you "as if two eyebrows were scorning it". The simile seems incomplete otherwise. But really, the main issue here is the actual concept of twitching heat.

The red licks it.

This is too confusing. I know by red you mean blood, and that the blood is "licking" down her chin, but using the word lick when you already just described a mouth creates to hazy an image. The reader already has the image of a bloody mouth in their head, and then you say "the red licks it", and people associate licking with tongues and mouth, and that creates a sort of awkward image. Because blood doesn't actually lick, but mouths do, or at least the tongue in the mouth does. Bad word choice here, really. And how does blood "cut" into the flesh? I know you mean it not literally, but it doesn't seem like appropriate word choice at all.

Blood is… she wonders… there is no word for it.
There is. She does not know it. If she ever finds the old civilisation she may learn it. She may find a dictionary. She may learn English. She may forget E. E cannot compare.

No. This just doesn't make sense. It doesn't read easy at all. And what do you mean E? The letter? Ectasy? And if it is the letter, I don't understand the comparison of E to anything else. In relation to blood.

They do not know who they are. They are people; there is nothing else. It is utopia. It is dystopia. It is perfect. It is nothing.

Well this makes at least the mindset of the girl a little less confusing, but it doesn't really help anything make complete sense.

She spins through it and breaks its neck. It calms.

Okay, I do like this description. Very nice.

What is the point?
This doesn't make sense. Well, maybe it makes a little sense, but not in an appealing way. The haziness is more frustrating than anything else. And your word choice in a lot of areas, as I previously described, is confusing to stumble over as a reader. Mainly here, what is the point? What is the point of what the girl does, and what is the point of the sky burning but being cold? Most things contained within a story have a point for being mentioned. There doesn't seem to be any point here. The sky burning but being cold has nothing to do with the swing, the swing has nothing to do with the girl. There's just no point in mentioning any of it.

This would have worked much better in poetry format. Cut out all the extra stuff, find the stuff you really want to say, describe, and it would be much more succint like that. I know this all sounds harsh, but this is obviously experimental. You're probably straying away from what you typically do, but this experiment needs a lot of work and focus on word choice and sentence structure and just the existence of a point to at least most things mentioned.

Eek, I don't like sounding so harsh. PM me if you have questions. And keep working on this. Play with words and ideas, and keep writing.

~ Clo

Haha, thanks. Those were my worries too.

The girl was sort of "people", representing a kind of dystopian society, then she gets on to the swing, which represents time.

I know; it's bad if I have to explain it. Needs work.

But thanks for the review!

‘fraid I don’t really have much to offer outside of what Clo has said. =( All I can really add is: watch your descriptions/metaphors, as here you described some things that the reader can’t really imagine/understand, which leaves us with just … confusing words. For example:

She is still walking with the wind to push her. It fights. She spins through it and breaks its neck. It calms.

I just can’t figure out what you mean here. She snaps the wind’s neck? What would that look like? Good imagery can be pictured/understood no matter how surreal it is.

You worried about it being boring or dull, and I can say that you managed to keep my attention, despite my lack of comprehension, so I think you have something worth holding onto here. Methinks you just need to improve on your word choice to really unlock the story’s potential, though.

This was really pretty, but confusing. I didn't really catch most of the meaning you intended, though I did read through the thing in a rather happy haze. It is beautiful writing, but it is so disjointed and seemingly random that it was actually a bit frustrating to read as well.

Clo caught most of the stuff I was going to point out - the swing swinging was the biggest one - so I feel useless, unable to repeat anything. Phooey.

What exactly is the teddy bear supposed to represent? I actually felt really bad for it, as if the girl were the bad guy, beating the poor sucker up.

I love you! the teddy bites.

You can't bite dialogue. You can scream dialogue or say dialogue, but you can't really bite it. Is the teddy bear actually biting her, or is it just saying this dialogue in a biting manner? Either way, this needs to be changed a bit...

I did like this. I just didn't understand it.

Write on!

~GryphonFledgling

The story is okay and i like the descriptions and adjectives being written on the story.

I like the quotation:

She has never slept. She has never dreamt. She can never have a dream come true.

but on top of it all, i am confuse on the flow of the plot of this story. At first, i thought that the setting will be lcoated indoors but there are parts of tehs tory that may tell that it is outdoors.

She is still walking with the wind to push her

Anotehr things is with the teddy. Is it a robot becasue it seems to talk and what causesthe girl to bleed and i felt that the ending lacks something.

If it is a dystopian, it would be better if the setting is described as a dystopian because it does not appear as one.


that is all i have to say.

i hope it works out...

Well, thanks everyone.

Moral of the story: don't try and mix random stuff and hope it works.

But thanks for the reviews!

Blinky