One Day

She hid in the morbid corners
In the back of her mind
In her concealed bedroom
Thinking of all the ones who did neglect
Putting up the wall to suppress what she kept

She never cried those forgotten tears
Never punched her eggshell wall
Never pulled at her raven black hair
Using all of her withdrawn strength
Praying for the day the evasion will come

She thought, one day I will be happy
Over and over again, it cursed her mind
Over and over again, it caused her torment
Haunting her hope and ambition to be something great
Causing her to fall into a deeper form of desperation

This line seems out of place and unending. like it's unfinished. maybe you should try to rewrite or rephrase this.

Thinking of all the ones who will neglect

Putting up the wall to suppress what she kept

Other than the line above I loved this poem and feel great to be the first one to review it. Im sorry that Im not great at poem structure or so on so I won't comment on that. Maybe some more imagery for greater emotion feeling could be used.

Awesome job
~Tiff

Hey,


this poem is pretty good. I don't see anything wrong with it. Sorry i can't be of more help.

I do love the emotion though. It makes me feel sad for the girl because she is depress. I hope she get happy soon.

Hey there Jasmine! It's June, and I'm going to review this for you today! Let's get to work!


Okay! Have you ever read the poem, "The Highwayman", by Alfred Noyes? Well, for some reason, your first line really, really reminded me of that poem, and I'm not exactly sure why.

She hid in the morbid corners
In the back of her mind
In her concealed bedroom
Thinking of all the ones who will neglect
Putting up the wall to suppress what she kept

I have an issue with this first stanza: Your repetition if "In". It bothers me . If you're going to repeat it, please, please, please don't start two lines with it. If you have to, try not to have them back to back.

However, I do see that you're using this to bring a rhythm into this poem. But... it just isn't working. You can have the same effect, if not a better one, on the reader without it. It makes the poem seem a little forced; drop it .

She never cried those forgotten tears
Never punched her eggshell wall
Never pulled at her raven black hair
Using all of her withdrawn strength
Praying for the day the evasion will come

"Raven black hair" Tsh tosh. Drop the "black" in this, because by saying raven we understand that her hair is that dark ^^.

She thought, one day I will be happy
Over and over again, the words cursed her mind
Over and over again, the words caused her torment
Haunting her hope and ambition to be something great
Causing her to fall into a deeper form of desperation

Again! Your beginning repetition is slightly annoying. It's not giving us anything, and it won't take away from the poem if you drop it... So! Not to ruin your poem or anything, I honestly do think it should go away.

I'm also not too fond of the repetition of "words" that makes it too long of a repeated line, you know?


Now, your closing line of the poem should give the reader emotion. Shock them, or if the above lines/stanzas already conveyed the emotion, then close the poem effectively.

Pardon my rudeness, but I really don't feel like that's been done here. The stanzas/lines lead up to something but don't bring out attention to anything. Your lines should be creating the setting to build up to the main point of the poem and shock us in the end. You don't necessarily have to shock or wow us with your words, but you could, and probably should.


To speak, it was a good poem. It was perfectly laid out to show the emotion behind this, but it just left me wondering about the main focus; what comes of this, what happens before? I'm not saying that it's necessary for you to display all of this at once, or even put it here, I'm just saying that you need to clarify some points in here.
If you see what I mean, it's kind of just saying "she's depressed, she's depressed." and nothing else.


Overall, it was good, though, well written, great job. Keep it up! I hope you write more =)

June

(Hope I wasn't too harsh!)

Rascalover: Thanks for reading. I completely agree with that you on that line. It really doesn't fit.

Night Mistress: As always, thanks for reading. XD Your opinion is always welcome.

Sringrain2693: Thanks for reading as well. No I have not read that poem. Is it simular? I agree with you on the 'raven black' issue. I stared at it for a while and couldn't figure out a way to fix it. Thanks for that. I do, however, have a few contradicting comments. It's supposed to be repetitive. That's the style. It doesn't nesseseraly have to have a setting. There's not supposed to be anything before and after it. It's not fictional story. It is just feelings spilled onto paper. That's what poetry is. Harsh? No, not at all. I accept harsh critiques, that's why I'm here. Thank you for reading, and I will take your advice with me if I choose to continue writing poetry.

Hey again Jasmine!

Nope, the highwayman isn't similar at all. It has a totally different theme, scheme and all, but when I read this, it somehow reminded me of it, haha. You can read it here:

http://www.potw.org/archive/potw85.html


Exactly! I noticed that the alliteration in your poem was completely intentional, that's why I felt so bad picking on it.

You're absolutely right. Poetry is feelings spilled onto paper, and in reviewing, I sometimes forget that that's the main thing I should leave alone. I often become too... nitpicky at it and ruin stuff in the process . Sorry if I was too harsh... reading my critique, I realize I sound like a grammar nazi or something xD.


But! Don't get me wrong, I really, really did like the poem as it was! Keep it up .


June

Springrain2693: In my english class, we are going over the term 'Parallelism' which according to my teacher is repeating words to get that dramatic feeling. So that is basically where I was going with this. Your critique was very helpful thank you.