I would rather...

Apologies for the shortness of this poem but as they say, quality, not quantity!
It's self explanatory really, any critique is obviously encouraged as usually. Please tell me any grammar mistakes I have made as I am not the best at grammar! Thank you if you commented and I'm sure your comment will be very helpful, thank you reading and please comment!

By Hayley
I would rather...

I would rather fly with the birds then spend my life wishing I had wings,
I would rather touch the sky then spend my life reaching for the moon,
I would rather read a book then spend my life lost in a stray mind
And finally, I would rather have an open mind then close it and not feel a thing.

Hi there!
I'm Kat and I'm gonna review this... not sure if it will help, since it's SO short, I can't say much.

I would rather fly with the birds then spend my life wishing I had wings,

Ok, so how to fly with birds if you don't have wings?
Maybe being beside them in a plane, no?
Sorry if it sou8nds harsh, but it's confusing. I even like the idea of not spending life wishing I had wings.
The rest I think it's good. You could really develop this. Maybe put some more length.
So, that's all I have to say... someone else might give you more help than me...
Anyway, keep writing

Hi Kat,

I would have liked to continued it and make it longer in length but I was worried it might have sounded to repetitive, as I have started each line with "I would rather.." and so I decided to draw it to a close.

And that first line, it was originally "I would rather next to the birds then spend my life..." but then the syllables would not match, and I guess it was one or the other and I picked to have my poem be in rhythm and be fluent rather then to mismatch syllables which I'm sure someone would have picked up on, like yourself.

Thank you for your review and your comments and also thank you for reading my poem, it helps to know that people are reading it, it makes you want to take pride in your work, I think, thanks again and good look in your next review,

~ Hayley

This poem is really short. I get the jest of it, but I think that you could develop this a bit more. You're basically saying the same message every line. If you lengthen it, maybe it would sound even better. There isn't much that I can review on, since it is four lines long. Your punctuation an grammar is flawless. It could have some promise in it. Good luck with your writing.

~Alyss

Hey there,
I think you spelled "then" wrong,
I think you meant than...... than is kinda more of a comparison
and maybe a word you use for alternatives....?
then is time, but overall, it's pretty good writing!

I really liked the poem.

I would rather fly with the birds then spend my life wishing I had wings,

Don't worry about that line, it makes sense. And it's nicer to subtly hint things in poems. I gets the reader thinking and when they realize what the poet means, there is a sense of accomplishment.

There's one problem that I had.

The last line.

And finally, I would rather have an open mind then close it and not feel a thing.

I think the words 'and finally' take away from the meaning of the last line. Take them out. Keep it simple and to the point. 'And finally' is unnecessary. It sounds as if you are listing things if you use 'and finally.'


-Zehra

Hey
I'm Kirsten and I'm going to review this for you. xD

I would rather fly with the birds then spend my life wishing I had wings,

I really like this line, others may not but I really love this line.

I would rather touch the sky then spend my life reaching for the moon,

At the end of these sentences I think you should use a semi colon instead of a comma. It would prove more effective.

I would rather read a book then spend my life lost in a stray mind

erm...I don't like as much.

And finally, I would rather have an open mind then close it and not feel a thing.

The finally is kinda annoying. I don't really like it there, I'd get rid of it.

See, this poem has the potential to be great, but I think instead of just having 'I'd rather' all the time you should expand it, and add some imagery. Use figurative language and such. Work on it, and it shall be great. xD


xoxo

I agree with Kirsten [above]. This poem has some lovely moments but you need to make it more tangible. You can do this by using concrete imagery and vivid descriptions.

Love, hate, happiness: these are all abstract concepts. Many, maybe all, poems are, deep down, about emotions and other abstractions, but it's hard to build a strong poem using only abstractions - it's just not interesting. The key, then, is to replace or enhance abstractions with concrete images, things that you can appreciate with your senses: a rose, a shark, or a crackling fire, for example. The concept of the objective correlative may be useful. An objective correlative is an object, several objects, or a series of events (all concrete things) that evoke the emotion or idea of the poem.

Really powerful poetry not only uses concrete images; it also describes them vividly. Show your readers and listeners what you're talking about--help them to experience the imagery of the poem. Put in some "sensory" handles. These are words that describe the things that you hear, see, taste, touch, and smell, so that the reader can identify with their own experience. Give some examples rather than purely mental/intellectual descriptions. For example: "He made a loud sound" versus "He made a loud sound like a hippo eating 100 stale pecan pies with metal teeth".

Save your most powerful message or insight for the end of your poem. The last line is to a poem what a punch line is to a joke--something that evokes an emotional response. Give the reader something to think about, something to dwell on after reading your poem. Resist the urge to explain it; let the reader become engaged with the poem in developing an understanding of your experience or message.

Use poetic devices to enhance your poem's beauty and meaning. The most well known poetic device is rhyme. Rhyme can add suspense to your lines, enhance your meaning, or make the poem more cohesive. It can also make it prettier. Don't overuse rhyme. It's a crime. In fact you don't have to use rhyme at all. Other poetic devices include meter, metaphor, assonance, alliteration, and repetition. If you don't know what these are, you may want to look in a poetry book or search the internet. Poetic devices can make a poem or, if they bring too much attention to themselves, they can ruin it.

Good Luck!

-Sarah