Because - Chap. 24

DELETED

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was absolutely amazing. KJ, you have to just have to write more and soon. Ya left me with a cliff hanger and as much as you rock at them they annoy me. *whines like baby* : I only have two issues.

1. I thought Will went away for life. You said that somewhere....
2.

“I’m going to spend the night here tonight,” he told me

I just think it sounds weird hearing night twice. Maybe you should take out 'tonight' and just leave it the way it is.

That's all I gotta say!

**Mo**

Hey KJ!

How are you? I hope your vacation went well. Wooh, it seems like I've been waiting forever for this! But let me tell you, it was sure worth it. I liked this chapter, though it wasn't my favorite. I didn't expect that Will would be on the other end! And I like James, he just seems like the kind of brother I would want to have.

Well, I don't have any nit-picks are anything. This was written well, as always, and plus I just want to go read the next chapter so...

Ta,

~Angel

I'm not a fan of 'overall' reviews, so I've done another of my nit-picks. Ain't I fab?

So on Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

No, far too many commas here. Delete the comma after 'wednesday'.

I knew he was waiting for the phone to ring, and, not wanting to listen to the silence [s]anymore[/s] any more, I teased him about it.

Again; too many commas here. If you have more than say, two commas in one sentence, read it aloud and mark in where you breathe naturally. Here, the commas would be after ring and anymore. Another little niggly thing - 'anymore' is two words.

I smiled [s]cattily[/s]. “Mom told me all about it. What was wrong with Natalie?”

Hmm - the word 'cattily' doesn't quite fit here. I'm a big fan of inventing words for the purpose of envoking emotion (for example, Shakespeare's made up word which we now know today as 'assasinate'), but here it's as if you've just tagged 'ly' onto the end of a verb. If you can find a different way to get across her cheekiness without using this word, it'd improve this sentence quite a bit.

He must have sensed it coming, because he blurted, “So how is school going these days? Any of your friends get over themselves yet?”

This is more of a personal thing, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway because you might agree. *shrugs* This brother of hers, he's still in his teens - or at least his early twenties - right? So contracting as much as you can without it turning into slang will suit his... I think it's called err, 'language register'... better. So: "So how's school these days? Your friends get over themselves yet?"

I nodded, my mind wandering. In a few years… Will Sheldon would be out of jail. Would he have forgotten all about me by then? But wait… it would be legal for him and me to be together. Did… did I want to be with him?

Aww, bless her little cotton socks... (it's a figure of speech)... she seems so confused here. You've gotten it across really well.

I shook my head, thinking I was borrowing trouble. Will Sheldon might be messed up after five years in jail, and I might have met someone else by then. Life would be completely different; I would have new friends, a college degree, a new job…

...wait, hang on. I just realised something. Were they 'together' in the first place? Did they actually have a relationship? I just thought he hugged her that one time.
Uh, I might have to go back and re-read this. Dang.

My brother’s cheeks flamed. “Don’t call me that,” he growled. He jumped up to go and wash his hands, though.

Maybe you could combine these two sentences together - they seem pretty lost and disconnected by themselves. My brother's cheeks flamed. "Don't call me that," he growled, though he jumped up to go and wash his hands anyway.
However, if you're going to leave it like that then put an and after 'go'. It sounds as if the narrator has suddenly regressed. :laugh:

At first I couldn’t react. I stood frozen, [s]the phone seeming glued to my ear.[/s]

I wasn't a fan of this bit. When you say someone is 'glued' to something, it means they're obsessed/fanatical about whatever they're glued to, right? Example: "glued to the TV", "glued to his magazine".
So. When you say 'glued to my ear', we instantly get the impression that she's... happy to hear from him. That isn't the case.
Is it?
Anyway; I'm pretty sure there's a better way you could describe it. Perhaps you could use the 'frozen' description from the previous clause and exploit it. Frostbite is a good example of what I'm trying to say.
I stood frozen, the phone stuck to / numb against / iced onto my face.
Anyway, I've finished now.

[s]In that moment,[/s] there was no doubt as to who it was.

Personally, I reckon I could've figured out that it was him from the word go. The 'in that moment' just seems a little bit like padding; the sentence would be exactly the same - perhaps even better - if you just left it out.

“Jeez, quit acting like [s]a little[/s] such a brat, Becca,” James snarled, picking the phone up from the floor. He didn’t notice my expression. “Hey Shelley,” he said, flopping down on the couch.

Again, 'little' doesn't even need to be there. In fact, you don't need to read my correction - just edit out the word little and that sentence would be fine as it is.

I couldn’t hear what Will said [s]at that moment[/s], but I’d never seen James pale so badly before.

Same reason as the aforementioned passage. If you really must have something after said, then use something like 'next' or 'afterwards'.

“I’m the man who loves you,” he growled, crushing her lips with his.[/quote
Oh cringe. This is exactly the reason I hate watching TV. :laughs: No, no, it's not your fault. You've constructed this sentence perfectly, in my opinion.

James and I stared blankly at the TV, not really watching the [s]melo[/s] over-dramatic soap opera.

Ain't that the truth. Although aren't 'melo' and 'over' the same thing? If so... I wonder why there are two seperate words for it?

I didn’t argue.

Very nice finish; however, you're good at these so I don't need to dwell on them for too long.

Overall comments
Although not much happened in this chapter, you kept us really glued (LOL) throughout, and yes, the ending was incredible. But we'll make you big headed if we keep saying that with every chapter you write
Off to the next one~

EDIT: Hmm, this only took me an hour. Maybe I didn't go into enough detail D:

Thanks for all the helpful reviews, guys

ignore this and read the post below....

Ahhhhh.......


Why? Why did you leave me with a cliff hanger? I need more....jk.

Please hurry up with the next chjapter though and PLEASE Pm when you post it so I can crack my knuckles and review it........ As for this let me get started.....

Three weeks after the trial, Mom and Dad both went away for the weekend. It was hard for them, not getting calls from their friends anymore and having to be at home constantly. So on Wednesday, November 19th, 2008, the two of them went to a hotel somewhere out of the city.

I can understand this, and it was a nice begining.

My brother came over to keep me company on Saturday night. It wasn’t really for me, of course—Mom had nagged him into it.
We sat in the living room, me with a schoolbook lying open in my lap, and a bag of Doritos in my brother’s. James flicked through the TV channels quickly, barely seeing what was on the screen. I knew he was waiting for the phone to ring, and, not wanting to listen to the silence anymore, I teased him about it.
“So how was your date with Shelley?”
He glanced at me, scowling. “Who?”
I smiled cattily. “Mom told me all about it. What was wrong with Natalie?”
James scowled. “Nothing. It just didn’t work between me and her, is all.”
I pulled my legs up under me, ready to torture my brother as a twisted form of entertainment.

Sort of reminds me of how my cousin and I fight all the time...hehehe

He must have sensed it coming, because he blurted, “So how is school going these days? Any of your friends get over themselves yet?”
I froze. James saw the hurt in my eyes, and sighed. “Sorry. I know you don’t like to talk about it.”
I bit my lip. “It’s okay. I mean, it’s all over and done with, right? But, uh, no. None of my… friends… are talking to me. They all think I’m a slut that seduced the Journalism teacher.”
James stuffed a chip in his mouth, looking at the TV again to avoid my gaze. He didn’t do so well with serious conversations back then. “They won’t even matter when you graduate,” he said. “A few years from now, you won’t even remember any of this.”
I nodded, my mind wandering. In a few years… Will Sheldon would be out of jail. Would he have forgotten all about me by then? But wait… it would be legal for him and me to be together. Did… did I want to be with him?
I shook my head, thinking I was borrowing trouble. Will Sheldon might be messed up after five years in jail, and I might have met someone else by then. Life would be completely different; I would have new friends, a college degree, a new job…

I like the emotion going on here....it gives you a feel for the character....

“So how—” I started.
The phone rang.
James dived for it, fingers orange from the chips, and I snatched it before he could touch it.
“Gross!” I frowned at him. “Wash your hands before you touch anything, Jamie!” I smiled, knowing whoever was on the line could hear me.
My brother’s cheeks flamed. “Don’t call me that,” he growled. He jumped up to go wash his hands, though.
Raising my brows innocently, I pressed the phone to my ear. “Hello?” I said in a sing-song voice, expecting to hear Shelley’s voice asking for James.
“I’ll never let you go, Rebecca Chapman,” a male voice breathed.
At first I couldn’t react. I stood frozen, the phone seeming glued to my ear.
“No one will ever keep us apart,” he went on. In that moment, there was no doubt as to who it was.
I screamed, dropping the phone.
“Jeez, quit acting like a little brat, Becca,” James snarled, picking the phone up from the floor. He didn’t notice my expression. “Hey Shelley,” he said, flopping down on the couch.
Will Sheldon must have said something, because James shot up, frowning. “Who is this?”
“Tell Becca we’ll be together forever,” I heard him say. At that moment I realized I was trembling.
James realized it, too. He watched me, eyes narrow. “Who the hell is this?”
I couldn’t hear what Will said at that moment, but I’d never seen James pale so badly before. “Who is this?” he demanded again. The vein that only appeared whenever he was pissed or scared beyond normal was sticking out of his forehead, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.
“Look, I’m going to call the police if you—” James began. But we both heard the dial tone before he could finish.

There was a minute of tense, heavy silence as James and I stood in the middle of the living room.
“Who do you think you are?” a woman on the TV raged. The man in front of her grabbed her arms, hauling her to his chest.
“I’m the man who loves you,” he growled, crushing her lips with his.
James and I stared blankly at the TV, not really watching the melodramatic soap opera. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, and even if I could have, I had nothing to say.
Finally, James turned to look at me. His chin was trembling, just as my entire body was, but his eyes were blazing.
“I’m going to spend the night here tonight,” he told me.
I didn’t argue.

Yeah cliff hanger there.....


OVERALL:

LOVE IT!! Keep it coming....literaslly I'm begging....jk. lol

*KJ~

Um, one question here. How the HECK did Sheldon get her number?!

Well, isn't James a little moody in the beginning. Haha. Anywho, I really love Becca's and James's relationship as brother and sister. I know he'll be there for her. And that's true. Because...

It's Sleepover time!!! YEAH!!! Cool. Cool.

Well, I have got to read 25. Oh wait, KJ. Before I go, doesn't James know it's Sheldon that was on the other line?

Anyway, gotta get to 25!

*Merry