Step through the glass, Alice

Well, this is sort of a random/blah/whatever idea I'm messing around with. I like it, but it feels like there's something missing. ><* Any crit is welcome.
***

“Hello there.”

“Anyu, did you let Eris in?”

“Fishy!”

I sighed at her cheerfulness; Anyu and her fish. I turned to Eris before she got any ideas; couldn’t put it past that character.

“What do you want?”

“I’m interested in that girl.”

She gestured to the reflection in the full length mirror. I followed her gaze; the girl- Liesl- was sitting on a white couch, tapping her foot nervously. I turned cold eyes on Eris.

“What is she to you?”

“You’re terrible at hiding your feelings, you know that?” She laughed, switching sexes. I hated it when she did that; I never knew how to talk to her once she did.

“Eris-”

“Loki.”

“Whatever. I’m losing patience, so I’ll be frank; get out of my house.”

“Frank is a good name for you.”

He laughed turning again to look at the mirror. The girl was racing out the door, her backpack slung over her shoulder.

“She is pretty hot.”

“Lok-”

“I can see why you like her so much; just look at that-”

“Enough.” I said flatly. “Leave. Now.”

“Fine,” he said, switching sexes again, “have it your way. It‘s not like she would know your name anyway.”

With that, she disappeared in a wisp of scarlet. I shook my head, looking again at the girl in the mirror; she was walking into a stable, obviously excited to see her friends. I sighed, rubbing my hand against my face; this was not going to be pretty. She’s not going to understand. I thought, scowling at nothing. I shook my head, sighing.

“What shall it be, Anyu?”

“Fishy!”

“Yeah, I figured.”

I stepped closer to the mirror, clearing my mind. A horse would be best- though helpless furry animals seem to be a big one. I shrugged, glancing at the girls surroundings; there appeared to be some kind of lesson going on. The girl and her friends were gathering supplies for-

“You suspicious old goat,” Eris said in my ear, “Take Alice’s advice; walk through the glass.”

“I thought you left.”

“So you thought; pay more attention next time.”

With that, she shoved me forward, the glass splitting into a new dimension. A shriek ripped through me, whether a wind or the voices of those gone before, I couldn’t tell. The darkness lifted, and I was standing outside the stable, feeling and seeing as I hadn‘t in a long time.

***

I'm not really sure whether I liked this or not. It was very short and especially in the beginning a bit confusing. I'll point out a couple of things I noticed.

“Hello there.”

“Anyu, did you let Eris in?”

“Fishy!”

I sighed at her cheerfulness; Anyu and her fish. I turned to Eris before she got any ideas; couldn’t put it past that character.

This confused me a great deal when I read it, and only after reading it two times more did I understand who said what.

“What do you want?”

“I’m interested in that girl.”

It might be me, but it feels as if you're going a bit too fast here.

“Whatever. I’m losing patience, so I’ll be frank; get out of my house.”

“Frank is a good name for you.”

“Enough.” I said flatly. “Leave. Now.”

I liked these sentences.

"You suspicious old goat,” Eris said in my ear, “Take Alice’s advice; walk through the glass.”

“I thought you left.”

“So you thought; pay more attention next time.”

This threw me off a little. You said she disappeared in a wisp of scarlet. Is she still there physically, or just ‘there’?

I'm a bit curious, what kind of person is Anyu? The only thing I've heard her say is 'Fishy!'. Can she say anything else? Does she have a purpose being there? Also, I'm curious what Liesl's role is. Obviously she is important to the story as Eris wants her and the main character isn't too keen on that idea, but you left me wondering what is so special about her.

Overall, I think this piece could do with more description, so the reader can picture the scene clearer and the story will be a little less confusing.

Just my two cents.

Thank you so much, White. I felt it was rushed as well, though I wasn't sure how to fix it. I could put a description of Anyu in this; she's supposed to be a puppy. I guess I didn't think it was relevant at this time. X(
Hm... leaving you wondering, is that good or bad..? I will write more on this idea, and you'll find out why Liesl is so special. I'm not exactly sure how it's all going to work though. ><? Oh well. Again, thanks for the crit; it was much needed.

You're very welcome.

So Anyu is a puppy.. Well, I definitely wasn't able to guess that much from the text, I'm afraid. She's a talking puppy then? Perhaps it wasn't very relevant to point out she is a dog, but I was just wondering about her not saying anything besides 'Fishy!'.

The fact that I was wondering about Liesl wasn't bad. If not neutral it would probably be good, because it does make me want to find out more about her.

Good luck with the next part of this story. If you want you can drop me a PM when you upload it and I'll read it. I would like to know how the story continues.

Thanks again.

I'm not sure how the next par will go. Lot's of kinks to work out. ^o^"

hey,

Okay, i must said i am totally confused by this piece. i couldn't make heads or tails out of it.

so what is the deal in this story? can you tell me or will that spoil everything esle?

anyways, i guess i will see ya around.

Well, I could tell you more, but I think it would give away the plot, or the main idea, or.. whatever it's called. More will be revealed, I just... have to figure out how to write it.

Ok, color me confused. I like the writing style, but there are waaayyyy to many names to keep track of all at once. Like Alice, only entering our attention a few lines from the end? Could you somehow omit a character? I know that would be hard, but it's very difficult to read right now.

Then- I agree with White.Poem.- Anyu being a puppy was a total surprise- especially because it was mentioned outside of the piece. Although I do like Anyu. "Fishy!" made me laugh.

Last, a question: does the character Loki have anything to do with the Norse god of tricks, mischief, and trouble? The obviously magical element of stepping through a mirror made me wonder.

-Mirasella

A very interesting idea. But, like people have said before me, you have an issue with talking heads. Bits of dialogue like this:

“Hello there.”

“Anyu, did you let Eris in?”

“Fishy!”

Especially so early in the story, confuse readers. And since you repeat that pattern the length of the work, by the end, we have no idea what is going on. I can stand one, maybe two lines of dialogue without tags (two is pushing it) but not more then that at a time.

A quick note on atmosphere: It is lacking. Describe a little bit of what is going on. How is Alice's world (at least, I think her name is Alice) different from the mirror-world? What does Loki/Eris look like? How does that.. person fit in (I think it's a god, since Loki is the name of the evil trickster in Norse mythology)? What emotions are playing through?

Basically, expand this big time. Putting dialogue tags would really help, as would short bits of description. Even using some choice words to describe things would add a ton of depth.

However, the idea looks very interesting. You are left with questions that make you want to keep reading. Please post more!

Hey, i've been reading the other critiques and they have good point's, you do need more tags and more description so you can keep the mystery without the reader just getting totally confused. However character description could come later. It's one of the few bad things about YWS that bits of story are often to short to describe all the characters but us poor readers often end up with half finished ghosts rather than full bodied, hot blooded and interesting characters.
However you have a bloody could idea here, it has been done before, the more powerful saving someone weaker, but you can make this all your own, improve on characters and description but i can totally see why you think there is a story here. It's because there is.
PM when the next part is up please

I agree with White... I am not sure if I like it or not. It was very confusing.
I'm thinking that the two characters can change their figure or something, I don't know.
It was very short and I was just going to keep reading until it made sense but it never happened. Sorry if I'm being critical.

Keep Writing and Good Luck!

Wow, that was a lot of crits. ^o^ I wasn't expecting that. Thanks everyone; I'll work on making it more clear.