my inner editor

first thing you might notice in this poem is grammar and a few other things it all has a point.


My inner editor was killed on a sun shiny day
simply because he got in my way.
Writers called what I did atrocious
but his remarks were so suspicious
so I took out my pen and wrote and wrote
until he died of exhaustion
he left behind a hurried note
you make too many simple mistakes
I silently give his body thanks
but in my head I saw nothing wrong
with all my writings or any of my songs
and on that sunny day he lied
thats why the inner editor died

very pointed.
and shows much attitude, and blatant disrespect for teh rules of literature.
but that's what you were aiming for, yes?
I'm not sure how this one will go over with the Grammar/punctuation Nazis around here, but all I have to say is while humorous, your poem is borderline illegiable, for the sheer amount of mistakes, and whatnot.

But seriously, is there any point to this poem besides immature rebellious nature?
this is insulting.
I still think it needs at least a bit of fixing up before everyone will be able to understand entirely what you are saying.
some of it is... rather incomprehensible... I htink I spelled that wrong.

not a bad idea, I believe,
but for me to tell you to fix it would defeat the purpose, no?

Peace,
God

I am a blunt and literal and down to business person, so I may seem harsh... Please, please do not take it personally. I'm just pointing out mistakes or other things that detract from the meaning and artistic impact of this poem, okay?

evanrith wrote:first thing you might notice in this poem is grammar and a few other things it all has a point.


My inner editor was killed on a sun shiny (insert - thingy) day
simply because he got in my way.
Writers called what I did atrocious
but his remarks were so suspicions *did you mean suspicious?*
so I took out my pen and wrote and wrote (please find another way to depict the fact that you wrote a lot other than repeating the word 'wrote')
until he died of exhaustion *I'd say 'died from' not 'died of'*
he even left me a note. *exclamation point needed?*
the note said you make too many simple mistakes *We know what you are referring to so use the pronoun it, not the direct noun, 'the note'.* *also, make it using italics if the words cited from the note are verbatim of it..*
I silently thank him and give his body thanks *you repeat the word thanks twice. try using a thesaurus for synonyms.*+ *you have changed tenses. Do not do this... go back to past tense.*
but in my head I saw nothing wrong *punctuation needed.*
with all my writings or any of my songs *these last lines don't...make...much...sense.*
so my little inner editor lied
I guess that’s why he had to go and die.

Hey there Evan! June here! [and I am totally a "grammar/punctuation" Nazi ]

This is absolutely hilarious! I love it . It's the type of poem that deserves lots and lots of recognition. I'm probably going to slaughter this mercilessly, so you have permission to attack me later on ^_^.

My inner editor was killed on a sun shiny day

I love that opening line; it opens the setting, and informs us at the beginning of the scenario. Very few people open poems like this, but when they do, it makes the poem easier to read because it saves confusion for the audience.

I do have an issue, however with "sun shiny day". (Excuse my grammar freakyness) How about "sunny day"?

Stick a comma after day, though

simply because he got in my way.

Yay! A rhyme! Perfect-o! This is good; it brings humor to the poem, and kind of says to the reader that the narrator is like... short tempered and often resolves to the worst resolution too quickly.

Writers called what I did atrocious

Perfect line. Keep it like this . Just stick a comma at the end.

but his remarks were so suspicions

"Suspicions" should be "suspicious" so that it rhymes ^_^. Perfect line; I love it... just stick a period at the end.

so I took out my pen and wrote and wrote

Capitalize the "S" in "so" and add a comma at the end

until he died of exhaustion

Stick a period at the end ^_~ and I think the U in until should be capitalized... I think.

he even left me a note.

This sounds a little... flat. Make it snazzier!
How about, "He left behind a scribbled note"?

And! Change the period to a comma

the note said you make too many simple mistakes

Hmm... I don't really think this line fits too well, dear. Maybe... put this in quotation marks and drop the first part so that it looks like this;

"You make too many simple mistakes,"

I silently thank him and give his body thanks

"Thank" should be "thanked"

I'm not so sure this line fits this way either... let's try...

"I silently gave his body thanks;"

but in my head I saw nothing wrong

Capitalize that "B" since I believe the beginnings of all of the lines should be capitalized? And I believe a semicolon is needed at the end here... I think. I've kind of just confused myself here xD.

with all my writings or any of my songs

Capitalize the first letter and throw a comma on the end.

so my little inner editor lied

Hmm... I'm thinking if you reverse the order of this line and the last and change them up a bit, then it will fit more?

"And on that sunny day he died,"

I guess that’s why he had to go and die.

"Because the inner editor lied."

It doesn't necessarily have to be like this, it's just a suggestion!


On the whole, I loved it. It was absolutely silly, and amazing. It's well written; it shows that the narrator killed him, but he is displaying it as if the editor just died off without being murdered.


I hope I didn't confuse you here. I confused myself in the middle of it trying to explain something and I don't even remember what I was talking about, lol, so sorry if this seems like an all over the place critique.


Amazing job, 10/10.


Keep it up, Evan!


June