Run!

Here's part of a story I'd like some help with. Any better titles would be great too.

Prologue
“Easy now. Easy.”
That’s Jeremy, Maria’s husband. He’s about to become a proud father of two. A boy and a girl.
That’s right. Maria’s giving birth to twins. Or at least was.
Because out popped a little crying girl.
The girl’s adorable, but all babies are. She has an average amount of light hair, and big green eyes. She’s about 20 inches tall, and weighs around seven pounds.
But Maria isn’t done yet.
Another organism is still trying to get out.
It’s pushing, and everyone’s trying to help it along.
Even the newborn girl stops bawling and even smiles, as If cheering her future brother on. The unborn baby just isn’t strong enough.
Let’s go back a little.
Maria and Jeremy have been married for a little over a year. During the pregnancy, they knew the boy might not make it. He just felt sick. Unfortunately, nothing could be done. At least, without harming the other twin.
What the young couple didn’t know was that the doctors thought they wouldn’t be able to survive seeing a sick son.
Literarily.
But they tried.
And now Maria is working very hard to get the other twin out.
And she succeeds.
Or the doctors do.
Because they go inside Maria to get the baby out. It’s a standard procedure.
What’s not standard is the baby.
He’s not premature or anything, but it’s obvious he’s sick. His sister’s fine, but he is barely alive.
The baby boy is very small: only one pound, and a mere 10 inches tall. Of course, he has trouble from the start.
But there is a chance he’ll live. If everything’s done well.
Which doesn’t happen.
Because the doctors had been right.
Maria dies from a heart attack when she sees the younger twin. She thinks for certain that he would die, and she doesn’t want to feel responsible. So she just closes her eyes. And they never opened again.
Sure, they try to save her.
But it’s too late.
Maria is dead.
Now Maria is the reason for Jeremy’s existence.
The love of his life.
All that stuff.
He doesn’t see a point in life anymore.
Not with his beloved wife dead, and one of his infant kids likely to go the same way.
He doesn’t see anything to live for.
So Jeremy goes outside of the hospital.
And kills himself.
Jeremy didn’t think of his two kids though. So they are now orphans. And the hospital doesn’t know what to do. They treat the younger twin of course. But they want
to know who’ll pay. Maria and Jeremy weren’t rich. They had just enough money to pay for the pregnancy and the sick child’s treatment.
Only infants need food. To be more exact, they need their mother’s milk. Which is hard without a mother. So the hospital buys them ready-made milk. And looses money in the process. The babies can’t be left to starve.
After a month of treatments, the hospital finds an orphanage that will take them. And “them” are Madeline and Jack Jem, named by the hospital in honor of their parents.
The problem is that Jack needs to get a check-up in the hospital once a month, because he’s better, but not perfectly fine. And the orphanage won’t do it. They don’t want to bother with it, or anything else for that matter. Everyone’s treated horribly.
And that’s how the two young Jem’s spend the first twelve years of their lives.

Didn't think I would, but i actually like the choppy style in which you wrote this story. THe only parts I didn't like were how you described how Maria was the love of Jeremys life and the orphanage at the end. The oraphanage just seemed to cliche, and the line everyones treated horribly deserves a line to itself. I'm not sure what I sujest with the other thing. Overall, I really, really like your style. I'd love to see more of this, definetly.

Hey there ^^

First of all: interesting writing style!! It's nice. When I began reading I was mildly puzzled by it, but then I was drawn into the story and now I can honestly say that it's quite a nice way of writing. It's short-sentenced - though not dull, and it's snappy, and it holds one's attention. Those are all positve points

Now, for nitpicks:

Or at least was. This confused me. I don't like this sentence very much, to be frank, for it made me think that one of the twins had died, or that the story was being told in an odd tense.

Because out popped a little crying girl.

The girl’s adorable, but all babies are. She has an average amount of light hair, and big green eyes. She’s about 20 inches tall, and weighs around seven pounds.

You use, for my liking, too many similar words in this part. 'average' 'about' 'around'. The repetition bothered me a bit. Maybe if you add something that makes the girl stand out in this same paragraph it'll be nicer.

Another organism is still trying to get out.

Not too fond of using 'organism' to describe the baby. Maybe go for something a little more endearing, such as 'another little human', or... okay that's a not-so-great example of mine, but you get what I mean

Even the newborn girl stops bawling and even smiles, as If cheering her future brother on.

Two things: 'if' doesn't need to be capitalized, and it's already her brother, not her 'future brother' =)

He just felt sick.

He felt sick? This makes it sound as though the baby told them he's feeling sick. Maybe you mean 'he fell ill' or something along those lines?

What the young couple didn’t know was that the doctors thought they wouldn’t be able to survive seeing a sick son. Literarily. But they tried.

This struck me as odd. Why would they not survive having a sick child?

He’s not premature or anything, but it’s obvious he’s sick. His sister’s fine, but he is barely alive.

Not too fond of the 'or anything'.

Maria dies from a heart attack when she sees the younger twin. She thinks for certain that he would die, and she doesn’t want to feel responsible. So she just closes her eyes. And they never opened again.

Uhm. This makes little sense, my dear. Maybe explain that she was so shocked that her heart gave out (after all of the effort of giving birth, plus the stress. That it all combined to cause a heart attack?) It sounds as though she chose to die. And... people don't just choose to die, close their eyes, and leave life.

All that stuff.

Take this out, it makes your story sound unprofessional.

Jeremy didn’t think of his two kids though. So they are now orphans. And the hospital doesn’t know what to do. They treat the younger twin of course. But they want to know who’ll pay. Maria and Jeremy weren’t rich. They had just enough money to pay for the pregnancy and the sick child’s treatment.

With one child about to die they'd be mildly focused on treating him, calling the police about the father's suicide so the mess could be cleaned up, getting the dead mom out of the room, etc, before thinking about finances.

It's a good prologue, and I hope you'll continue with this. Just look through it, bearing in mind the nitpicks I sifted through, and keep writing !

PM me for anything ^^

XxxDo

Just to forewarn you, I didn't read the other reviews so there may be some repeats. I hope it's no big deal.

Because out popped a little crying girl.

You need a comma after "little" since there's two words describing "girl".

She has an average amount of light hair, and big green eyes.

"Average" is a word with a lot of possibilities and the interpretation varies from person to person depending on what they find "average". For example, if you said someone had average grades, some would think they had A's and B's, where others would think they had more C's than anything else. So when you say "average" it's just not descriptive enough. I'd suggest something like "She barely has any hair" or whatever you feel like. I'd just change "average". Heck even "short" would be better.

Another organism is still trying to get out.

Organism is one of those words that's not used that often, and when it is, it's almost always used to refer something related to science, such as microscopic organisms or what have you. A baby is a precious thing, so I'd suggest changing it to "child" or something.

It’s pushing, and everyone’s trying to help it along.

The mom does the pushing. I'm pretty sure the baby doesn't do much more than pop out to say hello.

Maria and Jeremy have been married for a little over a year. During the pregnancy, they knew the boy might not make it. He just felt sick.

The last part was a little odd for me... Maybe you could say "He was sick" or something.

At least, without harming the other twin.

Put "not" in front of "without".

Not with his beloved wife dead, and one of his infant kids likely to go the same way.

I think you mean "now" not "not".

Huh. Your style is definitely different from what I'm used to, but it's interesting. I'm not a big fan of present tense stories, but I liked the way you presented it, and how you used short sentences in a way that actually worked. I'm not sure if you'll be able to get too descriptive about things with this style, but for this sort of introduction, it worked quite well. I liked it.

Thanks for the help! The suggestions will be very helpful. And the story is written in present tense, or first person past tense. I just posted that, so check it out!