A Different Kind of Normal- Part One

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So this is my first posting, although I started writing this piece a good while ago now. At the minute I'm not exactly sure just how long it'll be but it's definitely a serial! All I can say is, I hope you guys like my stuff- go easy on me lol!
Thanks a million.

* * * * *

‘In response to the evidence put forward by both sides, this jury has found the defendant guilty of attempted theft and aggravated battery and assault; this court has sentenced you to five years’ imprisonment…’


This was the moment that twenty-two year-old Cora Sands was incarcerated, and the day the world
as she knew it ended. Four months later, she was still reliving it in her dreams.

Cora sat bolt upright in her creaky bunk. It had happened again. But each time, details of the dream would change. The barristers would be wearing blue clown wigs, or the judge would be stroking a large white Persian cat. Cora didn’t understand these things, and she couldn’t see how something you dreamt of could have significance. But somewhere at the back of her mind, something wasn’t right. The bell for breakfast rang then, causing Cora to jump. She both loved and hated the sound of that bell; every time it sounded signalled the start of another day in this hellhole. And yet, at the same time, it meant she had survived the day before; each time it sounded, she was a day closer to freedom. Cora rolled off her bunk and stepped into her slippers. She walked over to the spotted mirror and stared at her reflection. Her normally vibrant red hair, a mass of curls pre-prison, was flat and unwashed-looking; the sad green eyes gazed out from under her bangs and the full red lips were turned down slightly as she frowned at herself, hating the person she saw staring back at her.

“What are you doing?”

This voice was what kept Cora sane. Saskia Micaw, Cora’s angel. Well, her Hell’s angel anyway. Cora shifted her gaze in the mirror to look at her friend, who was sitting up in her bed, looking groggy.

“Nothing.” Cora turned round and lifted her towel and her drab grey sweats. “I’m going for a shower,” she said, picking up her toiletry bag. “You coming?” Saskia shook her head and pushed her long blonde hair back from her face.

“Nope,” she said, lying back down. “I think I’ll just get forty more winks.”

Before she knew what was happening the blankets were whipped off her, exposing her long bronzed legs. Saskia’s renewed tan was the result of her last prison escape. She’d made it all the way back home to California and she’d managed to dodge the cops for almost a month before they’d caught her. Now she glared defiantly up at the guard on duty; a formidable hulk of a woman, with beady black eyes and her mousy hair pulled back into a bun so tight her eyes were constantly stretched slightly; the girls all called her The Bulk.

“That was the breakfast bell, Ms Micaw, not the ‘forty more winks’ bell. Get up now or I’ll arrange for you to be isolated.” The Bulk then strode out of the open cell door, but not before giving Cora the Look that many of the guards gave the prisoners. The Look that said, ‘Why must you exist? If I had my way…’ etcetera. Cora pulled a face at the retreating back and turned to Saskia.

“You were saying?”

Saskia rolled her blue eyes.

“Alright, alright! God, you’re like my mother!”

Saskia continued to swear about the most hated prison guards all the way through showering, and then through breakfast. However, when Dillon the handyman walked through on his way to fix something in the kitchen, apparently inadvertently catching her eye, she shut up completely. This happened anytime Dillon and Saskia passed one another and it surprised Cora every time. Saskia was the most outgoing, loud person in the jail, excepting a few screamers, and she had no shyness when it came to flirting openly with the male prison guards. They, of course, couldn’t do anything about this, but they loved the attention. Saskia was a knockout; tall, young, fun, gorgeous…every man’s dream. Yet when it came to Dillon, she was hopelessly quiet. To Cora, it was exasperating. She could tell it was because her friend really cared for him, but still…it was frustrating!

“Why don’t you talk to Dillon?” Cora asked over their cold toast and marmalade. Saskia frowned.

“What are you talking about?”

Cora clicked her tongue at her friend, swallowing a lump of what tasted like cardboard.

“Are you serious? You are actually going to pretend to me that you aren’t interested in him?”

Saskia averted her gaze and stood up from the table.

“Look, I’ll catch you later. I’ve got some place to be.”

Saying this, she walked out of the dreary canteen, before Cora had a chance to ask where Saskia could possibly have to be. They were in the state penitentiary, for crying out loud! Cora shook her head. She just didn’t get it. Glancing over at the kitchen, Cora saw Dillon come out. She saw his eyes dart over to the same table Cora and Saskia always sat at and she noticed him look away quickly when he caught her staring back at him. Making sure none of the guards were paying attention, Cora got up and hurried out the door after Dillon. She followed him into the empty corridor, and called his name. He turned round, seeming surprised.

“Chill, I just wanna talk to you.”

Dillon shrugged and ran a hand through his messy hair.

“Whatever,” he replied. He turned round again and kept walking. Cora’s brow wrinkled. Why was he walking away? She hurried after him until they were walking side by side.

“What’s up with you?” Cora enquired.

Dillon glanced sideways at her but maintained his steady pace.

“I’d like to keep my job, if that’s alright with you,” he replied. Cora made a face.

“And? I’d wanna keep mine too. If I had one.”

Dillon laughed.
“I guess that’s just one of the many luxuries of being inside,” he quipped, actually turning his head now to look at her. Cora smiled.

“One of many,” she agreed. This was progress. Merry banter. It wasn’t exactly he and Saskia walking up the aisle yet, but it was definitely a start.

“So what do you wanna talk to me about?” he asked. Cora tried to catch his eye.

“I think you know,” she said, still trying to get a clue as to what he was thinking. Dillon was quiet for a moment.

But then;
“Yeah, I think I do.” Another pause. “But Alexia just won’t talk to me.” Cora started to nod, then stopped.

“Huh?”

Dillon continued. “I’ve tried to get a chance to speak with her but…she’s not having any of it.”

By now, Cora was racking her brains to think of whom in the prison Dillon could be talking about. She didn’t know anyone called Alexia, and it’s not as though it’s a very common name. Surely she would recognise it. By now, Dillon was looking at her curiously, obviously expecting her to reply.

“Um…I think we’ve got our wires crossed somewhere along the line,” she told him. “Who’s Alexia?”

Dillon frowned before laughing.
“Who’s Alexia? You’re kidding, right?”

Cora made a face. What the hell was this guy talking about?
“Dillon, I’m not messing around. Who are you talking about?”

Now it was Dillon’s turn to be confused. Cora decided to elaborate.
“I was here to talk to you about my friend, Saskia.”

“Saskia?”

“Yeah.” Now Cora was pissed. This loser didn’t even know Saskia’s name. Dillon was shaking his head.

“Look, I don’t know who you mean, but the girl I’m talking about is the only real friend you seem to have. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned. She’s your cellmate, I think.”

Cora nodded. “Her name’s not Alexia. It’s Saskia Micaw.”

Dillon smiled and shook his head some more.
“She’s done it again,” he murmured, as they neared the exit out to the gardens. Cora stepped out in front of him in the doorway. She knew they couldn’t be seen together and outside was too open. She wanted to sort this out now.

“Alright look,” she said. “My cellmate, Saskia Micaw, is the same girl you’re talking about, yes? Why do you think she’s called Alexis?” Dillon set down his toolbox.

“Alexia,” he corrected Cora, who shook her head.

“Regardless. The fact of the matter is, that’s not her name. I came here to talk to you about you and her finally getting it together,” she explained. Dillon laughed.

“What? That’s disgusting!” he cried. Cora was now about ready to do something that would her put away for a lot longer than five years.

“Listen, you jerk-”

“Why would I go out with my baby sister?”



* * *
Last edited by Roo on Tue Jan 06, 2009 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Wooow. This...this is good. This is more than good, this is...very good. I love it. I didn't find barely a thing wrong with it. Here's one tip: change verbs more often. Instead of saw, try saying she noticed, uh, well, you get the idea. That is the only criticism I could think of. That was pretty much amazing. So shocking, his baby sister.... Oh, one more thing; I don't believe inmates get to wear normal clothes. In my state, they have to wear these ugly jumpsuits. Other than that, pretty accurate. I love the characterization, the everything. You could do a little more detailing on the setting, but if it's just going to be a short story, well, you nailed it.
Cheers!
--Voxina




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Ooh, I liked this one. This was really good, and I agree with vox. I'd like to know a bit more about the setting. If you'ev seen the series on National Geographic (or maybe Discovery), there are lots of prisons. There's the Tent City, and a lot more. One little piece:

grievous bodily harm


Is that the correct term? I think battery and assault is the one you're looking for, unless I'm watching too many crime shows.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.




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Oh my goodness, thanks so much guys for your input! I'm pleased and relieved you like it! :) As for the 'grievous bodily harm' terminology bit, Watervyper, I'm from the UK, maybe it's different here, or then again, maybe I don't watch enough crime shows lol! But i'll look it up, thanks! And I'll try and get a little more in about the setting in my next installment. PLease keep up the reading amigos, cheers!

Roo
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Ok I fixed a couple little things, they don't have normal clothes anymore, just sort of grey sweats, and I'll be revealing more about the location in the next instalments, but this is a fictional prison, just to clarify...I'm not an expert lol.
R. x
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Hey Roo! I will be your friendly neighborhood reviewer. =)

This was the [s]moment that twenty-two year-old Cora Sands was incarcerated, and the[/s] day the world as she knew it ended. Four months later, she was still reliving it in her dreams.

Well, it's obvious from the italics that she's being incarcerated, so I don't really see any point in saying that - the fact that her world ended seems a better point to be starting out with.

The bell for breakfast rang then, causing Cora to jump.

Considering the paragraph this appears in is so long, you could start a new paragraph here. Long paragraphs, especially at the very beginning of a story, look formidable to some readers. :)

Saskia rolled her blue eyes.

“Alright, alright! God, you’re like my mother!”

The dialogue may look nicer in the same paragraph as the action of the person speaking it.

She could tell it was because her friend really cared for him, but still…it was frustrating!

Try not to put too many ellipses in your writing. They're redudant and not necessary most of the time, and I don't like what they do to text. Here, using a dash would show the pause needed without using ellipses. And I don't think the exclamation point is necessary, since you're already showing frustration, but this is all stylistic preference.

Tone & Pacing
This story is interesting. It's not often I read stories that take place in prisons. Especially with women. Though there is something that seems strange to me - you start off with a serious tone, talking about Cora being incarcerated, and then it seems you all too quickly begin to make it light hearted and about romance. The romance is alright, of course - I just think it comes too quickly. The way you have it, the tone changes so fast, the prison becoming a rather cheery place rather abruptly due to the presence of Dillon. It doesn't fit with the tone you set with the introduction, or the fact that we're reading the first part of a story that takes place in a prison.

Try approaching this storyline a little more slowly. This is a prison, after all, and prisons are like otherworlds compared to reality - there's a lot to be described. Try following along with the darker tone of Cora thinking about her incarceration a little longer - establish the setting of the prison a little more, make the prison very real for us so we can imagine the prison around Cora before she starts worrying about her friend's love life. The way you have it, by the end of the story it feels more like high school than prison.

As for Cora herself, I do like her. She seems like a considerate person, considering she's so quick to be interested in what's going on with her friend and to help her out without even having to deeply think on it. I wish you would linger on how she felt a little more, like at the beginning, and what she's picking up on five senses wise with her surroundings. It would help the reader to get to know her character even more.

Saskia feels very underdeveloped though. She's Cora's friend - why? It seems they're friends simply because they're cellmates. What about Saskia's character appeals to Cora? Why are they friends? The bond isn't very clear right now. Though Saskia is a very cool name. ;)

Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions.

~ Clo
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An excellent start, I'm loving the setting you've chosen and the plot could make this very interesting but here's a few things for you to consider:


‘In response to the evidence put forward by both sides, this jury has found the defendant guilty of attempted theft and aggravated battery and assault; this court has sentenced you to five years’ imprisonment…’
[Just a small point but it should always be 'the defendant' rather than you. Court judgments tend to sound official and impersonal.]

Cora sat bolt upright in her creaky bunk. It had happened again. But each time, details of the dream would change. The barristers would be wearing blue clown wigs, or the judge would be stroking a large white Persian cat. Cora didn’t understand these things, and she couldn’t see how something you dreamt [I think dreamed would fit better here.] of could have significance. But somewhere at the back of her mind, something wasn’t right. The bell for breakfast rang then, causing Cora to jump. She both loved and hated the sound of that bell; every time it sounded [s]signalled[/s] signaled the start of another day in this hellhole. And yet, at the same time, it meant she had survived the day before; each time it sounded, she was a day closer to freedom. Cora rolled off her bunk and stepped into her slippers. [Slippers? In a prison?] She walked over to the spotted mirror and stared at her reflection. Her normally vibrant red hair, a mass of curls pre-prison, was flat and unwashed-looking; the sad green eyes gazed out from under her bangs and the full red lips were turned down slightly as she frowned at herself, hating the person she saw staring back at her.
[Good character description but what about the cell? I'm much more interested in knowing what her room looks like and that also presents you with the opportunity to give us some sense of era. I'm assuming modern day but it's not entirely clear considering the situation.]

“Nothing.” Cora turned round and lifted her towel and her drab grey sweats. “I’m going for a shower,” [Does she say this with forced casualness? Because it's not highly realistic dialogue for a prison situation. They can't just decide to go for a shower. Their cell doors are opened at strict times by guards and they're escorted to the shower rooms.] she said, picking up her toiletry bag. “You coming?” Saskia shook her head and pushed her long blonde hair back from her face.
[Grey? That suggests an older era or private prison, I'm not sure if that's the impression you wanted to give? Try to be careful with your minor details because they can say a lot about your story that you don't intend them to. If there's anything you're unsure of like prison food then do a little research so that you can be accurate.]

Saskia continued to swear about the most hated prison guards all the way through showering, and then through breakfast. However, when Dillon the handyman walked through on his way to fix something in the kitchen, apparently inadvertently catching her eye, she shut up completely. This happened anytime Dillon and Saskia passed one another and it surprised Cora every time. [A person should not/ can't be surprised by the same event every time it occurs. It becomes routine. And the reader will see it as more routine is Cora treats it that way. For example later when she says 'Why don't you talk to Dilon' it might be more accurate for her to ask 'Still not talking to Dilon? Think you'll ever get your mouth open enough to say hello?' or something. Also, be a little careful with telling as opposed to showing. It might be better if you let us get to know these two women a little more before the events with Dilon rather than tell us their personalities.] Saskia was the most outgoing, loud person in the jail, excepting a few screamers, and she had no shyness when it came to flirting openly with the male prison guards. They, of course, couldn’t do anything about this, but they loved the attention. Saskia was a knockout; tall, young, fun, gorgeous…every man’s dream. Yet when it came to Dillon, she was hopelessly quiet. To Cora, it was exasperating. She could tell it was because her friend really cared for him, but still…it was frustrating!
[On the ellipses, remember you need a space after each. Treat them like any other type of punctuation and don't over-use them or they lose their effect.]

Saying this, she walked out of the dreary canteen, [Your prison isn't very well guarded huh? There's one thing about having poetic license but being realistic makes your novel much easier to fall into. If you present this as one of those prisons where the outside security is high and the prisoners are here on minor offences then you can get away with having them walk around unrestrained. But you have to slip that in without it being an info dump or build it up gradually over time. And is this an all women's prison? I'd be quite interested to find that out...] before Cora had a chance to ask where Saskia could possibly have to be.


“Whatever,” he replied. He turned round again and kept walking. Cora’s brow wrinkled. Why was he walking away? She hurried after him until they were walking side by side.
[That's how a man loses his job. 'Whatever' isn't professional or mature. Is this because he's not your average prison guard or because you didn't really think about how he should talk? I don't know yet because we don't know the characters and we haven't met enough of the other prison guards for comparison. You're moving too fast.]

Okay so general comments! As I said, I like this and it's going well but slow down a little and paint in some more detail for us. Your reader needs to get the feel that this is a prison and they need to know who these characters are before you can zoom through what could be an absolutely huge plot twist in itself. There shouldn't be any stage in a novel where a reader is presented with a situation and that situation is resolved within a few pages. It's too early for plot twists is basically what I'm saying.

But keep up the good work and I look forward to reading part two!

Heather xx
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