Part 3 of Bane

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removed because I'm a far better writer now then this 12 year old junk

Ok, the first thing is, is that the story is too short. Nothing major, but I would add more.

Ionly have one technical nitpick

When Bane awoke, the moon was high in the sky. He gazed at it, calculating
how long until it would be full. Probably about two weeks, he decided.

Ok, in the previous chapter you said that it was nearly the end of the month. On the other hand 2 weeks left would be only half way through the month. you might want to change that to 1 week left.

The only overall problem I have is that you over exaggerate the prissiness of the girl.

Here as..well not promised but...expected

picked up another sound- human feet

That refers tot the humn feet as being a sound, not its maker.

When Bane awoke

and you say I have boring beginnings. Also when is a horrible way to begin something

The girl’s eyes widened as large to a size that seemed to be only slightly
shy of a dinner plate.

Another great sentence.

I think I know where this is going...If I do its pretty cliche

Bane could here the figure disrupting

here? don't you mean hear?

You’re poor neck

its "your" not "you're"

She batted her long blonde eyelashes at Bane romantically.

I think you should change the word romantically, to something which also expresses the convincing part. But oh well I can really relate to this part...a certain girl does that every time she needs help in history homework...



I believe you use good, showing language, but the series still lacks a "catch" to keep people reading.

Not as cliche as yours, Amniel-kun.

Show me the cliche.

Copy, paste, edit, again. I like how you only make these three pages.

The summer night was warm and muggy.

You could start a new paragraph with this line, since it doesn't fit with the line before it.

and suddenly, he swore he could perceive the light-footed steps of a deer.

Suddenly isn't needed in this sentence.

Bane rose to his feet slowly, suspiciously remembering the nearby camp of demon hunters.

I don't think you need "suspiciously" in here, since we know how he feels about them.

He jumped behind the human, twisting their arms around their back with one arm and then put his knife to their pale neck.

Wouldn't he be doing this all at the same time? That's what I'd think. Rework.

A tricked of blood ran down the girl’s snow-white neck.

You've mentioned her neck is pale twice (the first time being when he presses his knife "against her pale neck") Nix one.

The girl’s eyes widened as large to a size that seemed to be only slightly shy of a dinner plate.

I love this line, but it's a little awkward. Delete a few extra words to slim it down, while keeping the helarity.

She batted her long blonde eyelashes at Bane romantically.

Do you have to use "romantically'? I'd nix that, since eyelash batting is usually done romantically.

Bane pantomimed asphyxiation.

Not a good idea to have your reader running to the dictionary. I'm guessing he gaged?

How wealthy is she?

Changed to first here, with no thought tag to facilitate it.

Overall: I don't think this plot is cliched, and even though I have some idea as to where you're going with this, I'm sure you'll pull a few twists on me. Even though there is one event I'm able to pick up on, but I probably wouldn't have had I not read something else of yours.... and that's all I'm going to say.

So, Bane is getting both flat and fleshed out. Let me explain: He's getting fleshed out because we're starting to see how he reacts to things such as those hunters. He's getting flat because we only see surface emotions and not deeper feelings, but their isn't that much room for them in this chapter.

A note on the info-dumping you did in chapter 1- The scar info, even the silver info, could go after the mention of his scar in this chapter. Then we have a reason to know all that stuff. You could put the iron info after the mention of the chain around his neck in here too. Again, because we have reason to wonder why he's wearing it.

Let me know when more is up!