Burnt Sausages

Burnt Sausages

... is gone! For submission to the journal .

Woah, Blink –

This was very effective. I'm actually rather speechless, which is a good sign You should definitely take a chance on submitting this for the Journal.

There were a few things, however, that I'd like to point out.

She’s silent.

Who is? It's probably the mother, but it could be also Marie, so define that. Also, this was slightly too abrupt for my taste. If it's indeed the mother, I think you could have "She doesn't answer" replacing this. Just a suggestion, though.

curled together with her

Marie or Mommy?

Marie’s last protection against him.

Against her dad? Why does she need to be protected?

decides against asking her Daddy.

No need for the "her" – with capitalizing you show us it's indeed her father and no one else's.

She tells the sun that.

A little awkward. "She tells that to the sun" would read better, methinks.

She smells nobody’s footsteps.

This is quite amazing, to be honest – although I'm not sure whether a child could be that deep. Children are clever, though. Ah, forget that, this is beautifully said all the same.


Overall:

This was a great piece of work, I tell you. The characterization of Marie is perfect, all the little details of marshmallows and her room, everything works well to create an image of a naïve little girl. She must be very little, indeed. Also, the nursery rhyme thing is a nice touch; it adds the same creepiness to the atmosphere as there were in And Then There Were None and Lord of the Flies. I actually love creepiness, so props for that. But I have to say, the title after reading the whole thing is even too creepy for me!
I had to take my long-sleeved cardigan off while reading this, because I could feel the heat. You've done terrific job.
I hate being this one-dimensional, but I really can't say a bad thing about this. This hit me and hard.

I wish you the best luck with the Journal; I seriously hope you'll get this in it! Or if you don't decide to submit this, please submit something else, then. Don't waste the chance.

Congrats on a great piece!


-Demeter
xxx

Wow, thanks Demeter!

Is there anything you'd like reviewed in return? If you don't tell me, I'll just storm your portfolio anyway

I might lengthen it out before submitting it, but thanks again!

-Mark

Go check your guestbook

I came back to give you a gold star, because I forgot to do it yesterday.

*clicks*