Here is the first chapter of my new working project, and hopefully not a total disaster =P.Yay, I'm the first to review, but I probably won't beI've always wanted to write a vampire story, so this is my take on being a vampire and it's also the first time I've written a story in first person (which may become slightly obvious P). There is a preface to this, but it's not essential to read it, so go ahead and rip this apart!! Please do, I really appreciate any thoughts etc you can give me. I hope you enjoy!
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Chapter One
Frost covered the grass, giving it a silver sheen under the dimly lit streetlights.I like the description here, not too much but enough. I had managed to find myself some small black shoes, so my feet were protected from the bitter ice that swathed the pavements. Not that I would have been able to feel it.
It must nearly be Christmas, I thought to myself, looking down at the village that lay beyond me. I sat down on the grassy hill and studied the vibrant lights that were draped over the village. The mixture of rainbow colours and brightness were mesmerising. The small stores and businesses, and the pub and small hotel were connected by the arrangement of lights threading themselves along the rooftops and guttering, and wrapping themselves around thick green conifers and streetlamps. It gave the small village a feel of closeness, and ignorance from the world that lay beyond it. I felt almost guilty that I would be the reason for them to fear their village. But not guilty enough to defy my body of what it craves.I like the insight here
Rising to my feet, I brushed down my nondescript clothes of jumper and jeans – picked to ensure that I blended in – and made my way over to the small pub. Standing in front of the small wooden door I listened for a bit to the rowdy noises of the humanscomma laughing, eating, slurping their drinks, and talking: it was a noise of happiness and festive cheer.
Not for long.I like the effect of that line on its own. It's almost mocking, but it's not. I like it
I pushed the door open and went over to the bar. “A lemonade, please,” I asked the lady standing behind the bar. She had blonde curly hair, small features, but a huge smile; she beamed at me and poured out the fizzy liquid into a tall glass.
“Will that be all?” she asked, sliding the drink across the bar.
“Yes, thank you.” I gave her a curt smile, passed over a crumpled note, grabbed my drink and walked over to a vacant table and chair next to a small window. I pushed the glass away with disgust; I didn’t know how any human could drink it, the liquid smelt foul and bubbles were rising from the bottom of the glass to then settle on top of it in some kind of foam. I mean, what the hell is that all about?Heheh interesting idea to describe lemonade from an outsider's (in form of not a human) viewpoint
“Excuse me, Miss, but is this seat taken?” I was pulled from my silent observation of the bubbly drink to see a man smiling friendly down at me.
Immediately, I placed myself in hunting mode and swiftly inspected the man stood in front of me. He was tall, taller than me which always made a change, had a slightly lean physique, which meant no excess fat, but he wasn’t overly muscular either. Perfect.I like the insight again, of her inspecting her 'food'
“Of course.” I smiled back, gesturing towards the seat opposite me. He sat down and extended his hand towards me.
“My name’s Peter.”
I took his hand in mine, and felt him flinch at the frostiness. “Hello there, Peter,” I said, I’m going to kill you tonight. “My name’s Nina.” I flashed my pearly whites at him.
“Pretty name.”
“I like it.” I looked up at him, studying his expression, listening to his pulse: he seemed anxious. His mouth was twitching at the sides and he was wringing his hands under the table; his ears had also gone bright red. He caught me looking at him and smiled nervously. I looked away from him and round the pub. I spotted a group of men standing near us, clutching beers to their chests and occasionally casting furtive glances over at us.
“Are those your friends?” I asked, pointing at the group of men.
He looked up and without looking to where I was pointing replied, “Yes, they made me come over here.” His expression was sheepish.
“Do you want to make your friends jealous?” I whispered, leaning towards him. Before he even had time to answer, I pressed my lips against his, and like any other testosterone fuelled male he responded with enthusiasm, parting my mouth and jabbing his tongue inside. It took all my strength to stop myself from gagging. I took solace in the fact that he would be dead soon.
Pushing away gently from his eager lips, I beckoned him with my hand and a quick flash of my eyes to follow me outside. Winking at Peter’s group of friends that were all gawping at me, I pushed my way through the pub and outside into the crisp, fresh air. I could hear Peter right behind me.
Suddenly, he had taken hold of my waist and was murmuring in my ear, “I know a nice hotel we can go to.”
Rolling my eyes at his stupidity I surveyed the village around me: it was dark and empty. No one could see us now. I chuckled darkly and grabbed hold of his hands, pulling them away from my waist and twisting them behind his back. “Ow,” he protested. I always revel in their pain so I twisted his arms back even more so they were in danger of popping out.Heheh I really like how un=twilightish this story is
I looked up into Peter’s eyes and he fearfully looked back into mine. He flinched at the emptiness in them: he knew I wasn’t lying.
And then I bit him.
And drank his blood.
Until he could breathe no more.
Until he was dead.
How many humans had I killed now? I’ve lost count.There's something a bit muddled up with the tenses in this line. had and I've are not the same tenses. You either need have and I've or had and I'd.
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So what do you think? Please, do your worst
Wonderful combination of words in that last sentence What was very good about this was also how she contemplated being a vampire, how, although she almost had a human outlook she also acknowledged the fact that she was a vampire, she made a point of describing routine things. I did enjoy it. Stephenie Meyer has made a lot of vampire stories ignored because of her terrible book. However, some, yours included are actually good, and we shouldn't judge them on Meyer's book. I did enjoy it, this review is kinda crappy but it was good.
I had managed to find myself some small black shoes, so my feet were protected from the bitter ice that swathed the pavements. Not that I would have been able to feel it.
The mixture of rainbow colours and brightness were mesmerising.
The small stores and businesses, and the pub and small hotel were connected by the arrangement of lights threading themselves along the rooftops and guttering, and wrapping themselves around thick green conifers and streetlamps
But not guilty enough to defy my body of what it craves.
I listened for a bit to the rowdy noises of the humans laughing, eating, slurping their drinks, and talking: it was a noise of happiness and festive cheer.
He was tall, taller than me which always made a change
listening to his pulse: he seemed anxious
And then I bit him.
And drank his blood.
Until he could breathe no more.
Until he was dead.
The mixture of rainbow colours and brightness were [s]mesmerising[/s]mesmerizing.
The small stores and businesses, and the pub and small hotel were connected by the arrangement of lights threading themselves along the rooftops and guttering, and wrapping themselves around thick green conifers and streetlamps.
But not guilty enough to defy my body of what it craves.
I was pulled from my silent observation of the bubbly drink to see a man smiling friendly down at me.
Immediately, I placed myself in hunting mode and swiftly inspected the man stood in front of me.
Winking at Peter’s group of friends that were all [s]gawping[/s] gawking at me, I pushed my way through the pub and outside into the crisp, fresh air.
Rolling my eyes at his stupidity I surveyed the village around me: it was dark and empty. No one could see us now. I chuckled darkly and grabbed hold of his hands, pulling them away from my waist and twisting them behind his back. “Ow,” he protested. I always revel in their pain so I twisted his arms back even more so they were in danger of popping out. I rested my chin on his neck and muttered bleakly, “You’re a fool, human. You should never have listened to your mates; they’ve all just cost you your life. You see, I’m pretty thirsty at the moment and that’s kind of bad for you.” I released one of his arms and carefully traced the beating pulse in his neck down to his heart. I laid my hand on it and listened to the steady pumping his heart made. But its beats were numbered.
Then the very last part where you spaced everything out, it kind of went by quicker then I planned. It was a good chapter, overall, and I hope you continue this. The plot idea doesn't really sound that formed, though. I think you should add more on to this piece, it was so short and didn't really leave me with anything to go on besides the fact that Nina killed Peter. Cute names by the way. *I'm really really sorry if I was harsh*
Frost covered the grass, giving it a silver sheen under the dimly lit streetlights.
It must nearly be Christmas, I thought to myself, looking down at the village that lay beyond me.
colours
Hah, I love that!!The mixture of rainbow colours and brightness were mesmerising.
The small stores and businesses, and the pub and small hotel were connected by the arrangement of lights threading themselves along the rooftops and guttering, and wrapping themselves around thick green conifers and streetlamps.
f closeness, and ignorance fro
But not guilty enough to defy my body of what it craves.
assed over a crumpled note,
and round the pub
and like any other testosterone fuelled male he responded with enthusiasm, parting my mouth and jabbing his tongue inside. It took all my strength to stop myself from gagging. I took solace in the fact that he would be dead soon.
gawping
“Ow,"
But its beats were numbered.
And then I bit him.
And drank his blood.
Frost covered the grass, giving it a silver sheen under the dimly lit streetlights.
...the bubbly drink to see a man smiling friendly down at me.
Immediately, I placed myself in hunting mode
I looked away from him and round the pub.
And then I bit him.
And drank his blood.
Until he could breathe no more.
Until he was dead.
How many humans had I killed now? I’ve lost count.
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