So Untouched

Woah, intro.
This is the first story that I have ever done on this. There are no vampires, no princes, no dark angels. This is raw and real. Sorry no pretenders here.

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"Stop the car!," I screamed. My body jerked forward as my soon to be ex-boyfriend stopped the car. I my chest burn as the seat belt stopped my body from flying forward. I opened the door and got out of his stupid piece of crap Honda. "Your pathetic," I snapped. I slammed the door shut. I could see his eyes fill with anger as I gave him one last glare. Then he stormed out of the car.

"What the hell do you think your doing?" He yelled.

"Walking away," I said while turning around. I started walking towards the railroad tracks. He grabbed my arm roughly and spun me around. He kissed my harshly. I pushed him away, and continued to walk away. He grabbed me again. "Let go!" I yelled.

"Elle, come on babe. It was just a simple question," He said in a sorry voice.

"A simple question? There were a few actions involved in that question. Don't ever touch me again." I stated.

"I don't get it, when will you just give your innocence up?" He persisted.

"Because I don't want to, and it's pretty obvious you can't understand that. So go find some slut who can." My voice cracked. I promised myself I wouldn't show any emotion towards him.

"You know what fine! I'm done with you." He snapped. He got into his car and sped off. I flicked him off as he did so. I was so pissed and disappointed. I needed to learn that all guys are the same. They all want the same thing.

I kicked the dust and started walking. Walking away from one year of lies, and unhappiness. I was about to cry, but then I realized that my heart wasn't broken, it was more free than anything else. Free from expectations to give myself up.

Awwww... smileforever! Such a sweet name.

First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm Snoink, a moderator of YWS, and if you need any help whatsoever getting around the site, just bug me and I can help. I also critique stories and poems, so if you need any help with writerly things, I can totally help with that. Although, I will warn you... I'm a bit harsh. ^_^;; Also, if you need any help on how to critique things (critiquing is a big thing on YWS!) then bug me as well. I'm here to help you!

First, I'm going to do a little grammar critique. That is, I'm going to point out all the grammar mistakes that I see offhand. Then you can edit it so that people won't continue to point out the grammar mistakes (and trust me, they will... XD). Then I'm going to rant about the story and how awesome it is and such. Sound good? ^_^

Let's go!


Nitpicky Grammar Stuff!

"Stop the car!," I screamed.

<--- It should be either:

"Stop the car!" I screamed.
OR
"Stop the car," I screamed.

My body jerked forward as my soon to be ex-boyfriend stopped the car. I my chest <--- I my what? ---> burn <---it should be burned---> as the seat belt stopped my body from flying forward. I opened the door <--- a little more motion is needed... I imagine that she fumbles with her seatbelt first---> and got out of his stupid piece of crap <---this might be a little too dramatic?---> Honda. "Your <--- You're---> pathetic," I snapped. I slammed the door shut. I could see his eyes fill with anger as I gave him one last glare. Then he stormed out of the car. <--- Then clutters up the work--->

"What the hell do you think your <--- you're---> doing?" He <--- lowercase so it's "he" ---> yelled.

"Walking away," I said while turning around. <--- Maybe "Walking away," I said, turning around.---> I started walking <--- too much "walking" here- choose another verb---> towards the railroad tracks. He grabbed my arm roughly and spun me around. <--- how does she react to this? ---> He kissed my harshly. I pushed him away, and continued to walk away. He grabbed me again. "Let go!" I yelled.

"Elle, come on babe. It was just a simple question," He <--- should be "he" in lowercase---> said in a sorry voice.

"A simple question? There were a few actions involved in that question. Don't ever touch me again. <--- replace the last period with a comma--->" I stated. <---Say "said" instead of "stated." That way, this piece will be more powerful.

"I don't get it, when will you just give your innocence up?" He ?<---lowercase "he"---> persisted.

"Because I don't want to, and it's pretty obvious you can't understand that. So go find some slut who can." My voice cracked. I promised myself I wouldn't show any emotion towards him.

"You know what fine! <--- there should be a comma between "what" and "fine"---> I'm done with you." He <---last period should be a comma, he should be lowercase---> snapped. He got into his car and sped off. I flicked him off as he did so. <--- I like the phrase "I gave him the finger" better. ^_^---> I was so pissed and disappointed. I needed to learn that all guys are the same. They all want <---wanted---> the same thing.

I kicked the dust and started walking. Walking away from one year of lies, and unhappiness. I was about to cry, but then I realized that my heart wasn't broken, it was more free than anything else. Free from expectations to give myself up.


How Awesome is this story, really?

Actually, I did like your story. Like you said, there's no vampires or any of those weird things, but that's fine with me! I like realistic stuff. I can totally imagine your female character and I can realize how pissed off she is. It's awesome. I like how she is able to stand up for herself, even though it hurts. It shows real strength of character to do that, and that makes me like her more. And, even though she's hurt by it, she's still sticks by with her beliefs, and that's awesome.

One thing you might want to say, just to give your girl more flair is to describe the interior of the Honda. You said it was crappy, but I want to know the particulars! At the moment, I'm remembering this one car (a Toyota, I believe) that was cluttered with used Rockstar cans and In-N-Out wrappers. It smelled like a fast-food kitchen. And yet another one smelled of pizza, since the driver was a pizza delivery guy. But it also had caseless CDs lying around, and so on. If you can describe what this car looks like, we'll get a better idea of who the guy is. And that's good because right now he's a little flat. The more information you can give him, I think, the better.

Also, I want to know more about the end! When I broke up with my ex, I had a headache and, even though I was laughing about it, I still had that headache. It's those quirky details, I think, that go the farthest and show regret of throwing somebody out of your life, even while you are happy that they are gone. So I would definitely expand on the ending. You don't have to make her all soppy and wonder "Oh woe, why me?" but just a bit more than what you have would be lovely.

Anyway! That should be enough to work on. If you have any questions on this critique (it's late, so some parts of this critique may not make sense... XD) then feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to answer your questions. And, if you want to ask me whether such-and-such a part made sense or made me feel in a particular way, just so you can see if my feelings are with yours, then bug me as well. Like I said, I'm here to help.

Happy editing!

Well, there's something Snoink may have forgotten to mention.
Looks like you're still new to YWS!

In YWS, we have an important rule.
The 2:1 ratio rule.
If you've heard of it, you'll know what to do.
But if you don't, I'm here to clarify:

For every 1 piece of work you post, in can be a poem, story, art, script or whatever, no matter how short or long, you must review 2 other pieces of work, not done by you and it can also be in any form of your choice. It doesn't necessarily have to be if you post a historical fic story, you must review someone else's historical fic story.

It keeps the balance, and people would be more inclined to help you if you review more.
Quid pro quo. We help you and you help us. That way, everyone is happy.

Normally, it'd be best you do both reviews before you post your work,
But after is fine. You can post one before and one after. It's to your discretion.
You don't have to do it immediately, but I'd advise you to get it done soon

Have a nice day!
~Oh, and I liked your story. Short and sweet

Finally! A story that's short yet a good start Usually they're extremely lengthy, and start to be a bore throughout, but I think you ended the first part at exactly the right time.

I'm going to be pretty critical XD but do it back once mine is finally up! *and don't hurt me!* lol...anyway.

"Stop the car!," I screamed.maybe connect with an "and"? My body jerked forward as my soon to be ex-boyfriend stopped the car. ??-->>>>I my chest burn<--- as the seat belt stopped my body from flying forward. I opened the door and got out of his stupid piece of crap Honda.I agree with the first person, maybe you should describe the Honda a bit more to give the reader some more perspective on where you're coming from, why it's such a piece of crap. "Your You're pathetic," I snapped. I slammed the door shut. I could see his eyes fill with anger as I gave him one last glare. Then he stormed out of the car. Maybe you want to connect some of these short sentences?

"What the hell baad holly XD do you think your doing?" He yelled. no need for capital "h"

"Walking away," I said while turning around. I started walking towards the railroad tracks. Once again maybe connect these sentences to make, "I said while turning around, walking towards the traintracks" He grabbed my arm roughly and spun me around. He kissed my harshly. I pushed him away, and continued to walk away. He grabbed me again. "Let go!" I yelled.

"Elle, come on babe. It was just a simple question," He said in a sorry voice. Maybe a sorry "tone"?

"A simple question? There were a few actions involved in that question. Don't ever touch me again.comma" I stated.

"I don't get it, when will you just give your innocence up?" He persisted. Capital "h" or not?

"Because I don't want to, and it's pretty obvious you can't understand that. So go find some slut who can.comma" My voice cracked.Lowercase 'm' I promised myself I wouldn't show any emotion towards him.

"You know what fine! I'm done with you. Comma" lowercase 'h' He snapped. He got into his car and sped off. I also like "gave him the finger" I flicked him off as he did so. I was so pissed and disappointed. I needed to learn that all guys are the same. They all want the same thing. Make in past tense

I kicked the dust and started walking. Walking away from one year of lies, and unhappiness. I was about to cry, but then I realized that my heart wasn't broken, it was more free than anything else. Free from expectations to give myself up.


I like it, great beginning! I'm interested to see where this story is going to go.

Lots of luck,
Confused.pirate =D

"Stop the car!," I screamed. My body jerked forward as my soon to be ex-boyfriend stopped the car. I my chest burned as the seat belt stopped my body from flying forward. I opened the door and got out of his stupid, piece of crap Honda. "Your pathetic," I snapped. I slammed the door shut. I could see his eyes fill with anger as I gave him one last glare, then he stormed out of the car.

"What the hell do you think your doing?" He yelled.

"Walking away," I said while turning around. I started walking towards the railroad tracks. He grabbed my arm roughly and spun me around and kissed my harshly. I then pushed him away, and continued to walk away when grabbed me again. "Let go!" I yelled.

"Elle, come on, babe. It was just a simple question," He said in a sorry voice.

"A simple question? There were a few actions involved in that question. Don't ever touch me again." I stated.

"I don't get it, when will you just give your innocence up?" He persisted.

"Because I don't want to, and it's pretty obvious you can't understand that. So go find some slut who can." My voice cracked. I promised myself I wouldn't show any emotion towards him.

"You know what? fine! I'm done with you." He snapped. He got into his car and sped off. I flicked him off as he did so. I was so pissed and disappointed. I needed to learn that all guys are the same. They all want the same thing.

I kicked the dust and started walking. Walking away from one year of lies, and unhappiness. I was about to cry, but then I realized that my heart wasn't broken, it was more free than anything else. Free from expectations to give myself up.

Overall: I think there should have been a lot more details, better structure in a lot of the sentences, and again, more details. It's hard to actually feel the emotions and get into the story when it's stating play-by-play actions and thoughts, and I think you should do a lot more stories without fantasy characters, maybe it will help you with your realistic-fiction writing.

Hi! That was great!
One thing: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" He yelled.

Is there more to this? Please!!! I want to read more!
I'm already lovin' this: it's not too vague, it's not too much and it's still very short but the dialogue is so strong that it's struck the balance.

xx

Wow!

this was sooo real for me! A girl trying to keep her innocence for what i guess is marriage, am i correct?

it's so real because your MC shows how pissed she is at her ex for bring her out there just for some quick lay. She is so strong for realizing at the end that her heart isn't broken just because some guy dump her.

though there is one problem: there seems to more going on Maybe you should added more to the end or to the begin. Tell us the day after or the day before. Something.

Well, hope to see more of your work.

This was fairly decent.

The title is what originally caught my attention, but
The story line seems to hold alot of potential.

You have some spelling/tense issues.

And you are missing a comma. I'm sure you can find it


I also feel like you could have developed your characters
More, to make the break up more dramatic.

Keep up the good work !

Wow, intense. More than intense, that is. You really were telling the truth when you said this was raw...

But I liked it. It was a different approach than what I'm used to so that says a lot right there about your uniquieness. =]

My only advice would be to add more to this. It's too short right now. Give us more than just this little scene, you know?

Otherwise, I look forward to reading more!

Hi! I'm also new to YWS.

I thought your story was a good start as well. I liked that as a reader I was pulled right into the action, a fight! A dramatic fight, with car doors slamming! And you definitely picked a topic that can certainly cause a fight.

I'm interested to know more about how the main character is feeling after the fight. Even though she is relieved to be rid of the situation, is there a part of her that is still unsure? What about her other friends in similar situations, is she thinking about them and what they would think?

I think these questions would be good jumping off points for your main character to start to reflect on her relationship and/or her thoughts about herself. Who knows? It could lead to a longer story!