House of the Rising Sun

This is a rough draft of the preface and first chapter of a short novel I'm writing.

Please, leave any comment below of any length! Everything is appreciated, good or bad!

Also, please notify me if you cannot open the file.

Thanks,
Adrian

Ooh! Nice beginning. Actually, great beginning. I am no good at grammar, so I'm sorry, I'll just be reviewing.

Great Thing

I loved your preface. Besides the fact that it has nothing to do with the story line so far, it was capturing. A random fact, a little said "ever since", and "if I could afford" all is very well embroidered.

OK Thing

Your description of the house/apartment it kind of confusing. She can't afford a $15 alarm clock but she has piles of clothes and a Jacuzzi size tub? This isn't to practical, but it seems...haunted, in a good way.

Bad Thing


Your ending is unclear and irrelevant.

"But, all this is in no contest with the turkey “gobbler” and pudgy cheeks
I’ve gained from eating after my mother died. A pound for every month she’s been gone."

The End? Is she gaining or loosing weight? Why does it stop here? Just try for an emotion from the character before you leave the reader.

Okay, was I too harsh? I'm sorry! I guess thats criticism. By the way, will the title be explained soon?

Great start. Keep writing![/u]

Thank you so much for your review! I actually wasn't planning on a positive review as I've never been much of a prose writer.

I see everything you've said, and I WILL edit fairly soon.

As far as the title is concerned, I realize how "mythical, mysterious" it seems. But, it's actually referring to the huge bay windows, which I will describe more clearly.

Thank you,
Adrian