Henry of Falador

(note: This isn't my best work, (I know this sounds cheesy) but I had this dream of this weird world where I was being hunted down, so Im sorta trying to get it all down, I'd appreciate help and comments. Thanks.)

Prologue:
Throughout time, there have been heroes. A hero in Henry’s lifetime was expected to go off hunting dragons and freeing the land of evil.
In the village of Falador, there was a small room dedicated to the heroes of the past… People spent more time cherishing heroes of the past then admiring present heroes… People had forgotten of how much they were needed. The need for a hero then suddenly vanished. Little did the people of Falador know that the desperate need for a hero was approaching them with amazing speed.
No one would ever notice that food was a scarce or that the village was slowly crumbling away until it was right in front of them and then it would be too late… If anything horrid was to clash at the forgotten village of Falador, it would have no cure… Yet who or what would dream of meaning any harm to a forgotten village that kept to itself and lived peacefully in their own land?


Chapter 1-through the eyes of an ancient falcon

An ancient falcon was very much like a normal falcon yet it lived for hundreds of years and grew to be massive creatures that were sometime mistaken for young dragons flying high in the sky.
An ancient falcon could remember the very moment it was born. They never forgot. This falcon had lived for exactly 170 years, it had lived through times of desperation and times of need and it never forgot a thing.
The great falcon beat its mighty wings up high in the clear skies of Pantadon. Below the mighty beast were lush green hills and great oak trees. The beast’s shadow accompanied it below, scaring off rabbits and small animals.
The mighty falcon turned its great head and its deep and mysterious yellow eyes to the village of Falador. The wise beast knew none of its kind had allowed itself to be seen for a decade… The main reason being that the falcon’s territory was being slowly infected with a poison… it was killing all the falcon’s food and a new generation would not rise for they did not grow and died of an unknown disease over the course of a few weeks.
The falcon changed its direction of flight and flew over the small village. As it soared above, people gazed up in astonishment and pointed. The wind was beating furiously at the beast as it beat its mighty wings. The bird slowed its pace in due to disappointment.
Things had not changed at all. The foolish humans had not yet noticed the poison killing their crops or the small creations of the enemy plotting against their land. Humans were always so careful in the past, they always sent brave warriors to perform grand things and everything was always fine in the end. They, like my kind are going through dark times… Yet the difference with the humans is that they haven’t noticed it yet. The falcon searched its long and accurate memory and remembered the chanting at Falador once after the humans killed a dragon and they all chanted, “The hero has saved us!” hero. That’s what they needed… a hero, yet at times like these where were they to find one?
The beast suddenly became aware that the grassy hills beneath him had turned to large rocks in thin columns pointing at the sky. The beast looked in the direction of where there had once roamed a dragon... The ultimate enemy of which it dreaded to even think of would need an ultimate weapon to bring doom to Pantadon.
It needs something devastating that no one would have seen coming and that would bring instant death to all living things in Pantadon. But what could the enemy possible be plotting at this very moment which could cause such horror? The falcon descended quickly towards its empty nest.
The beast landed with a mighty thump, causing all the nearby rocks to scatter. The enemy is clever and powerful and I must prepare for the worst, thought the falcon as it closed its old and wise eyes. I am growing old and tired and perhaps I will not see my land fall to ashes on the ground, perhaps the humans will snap out of their foolishness and realize the very horror surrounding them. It was very unlikely, yet there was nothing wrong with hope and hope was all this old falcon could give now…

*sigh* Saying this is going to make me feel very nerdy, but I feel I must... Falador is a town in Runescape! Yes, I used to play Runescape. If you don't know what it is, it's one of those nerdy fantasy role playing games and it is very addictive.

Throughout time, there have been heroes.

Sorry, but I hate this opening line. It sounds like the beginning of a Legend of Zelda game.

Throughout time, there have been heroes. A hero in Henry’s lifetime was expected to go off hunting dragons and freeing the land of evil.
In the village of Falador, there was a small room dedicated to the heroes of the past… People spent more time cherishing heroes of the past then admiring present heroes… People had forgotten of how much they were needed. The need for a hero then suddenly vanished. Little did the people of Falador know that the desperate need for a hero was approaching them with amazing speed.

Wow, this whole little summary bit sounds like the beginning of a video game.

Also, this is a whole lot of telling and not showing. We'll discuss this later.

An ancient falcon was very much like a normal falcon yet it lived for hundreds of years and grew to be massive creatures that were sometime mistaken for young dragons flying high in the sky.
An ancient falcon could remember the very moment it was born. They never forgot. This falcon had lived for exactly 170 years, it had lived through times of desperation and times of need and it never forgot a thing.
The great falcon beat its mighty wings up high in the clear skies of Pantadon. Below the mighty beast were lush green hills and great oak trees. The beast’s shadow accompanied it below, scaring off rabbits and small animals.

You mess around with your tenses here. Some words are in the present.

The mighty falcon turned its great head and its deep and mysterious yellow eyes to the village of Falador.

These sentences are choppy. Take out the great head and leave the eyes. Or take out the eyes and leave the great head.

The foolish humans had not yet noticed the poison killing their crops or the small creations of the enemy plotting against their land

This world is medieval, correct? If it is, the serfs were constantly at work. They would notice dead crops.

Now, time to tell you about

Showing Not Telling

Like I told you, the beginning of this seems like a summary.

Don;t just tell me what happens, make it interesting! Show me through description and dialogue.

I would write your beginning like this.

Youthful green eyes grew wide in the facade of pale skin. "Wow," breathed the little boy as he observed the portrait before him.
It showed a young man brandishing a sword against a horde of demons.
"That," said the old man standing behind the little boy. "Is Bronwyn (I'm making up names here, Gabe). He saved Falador long ago..."
"But we don't need heroes anymore, right Grandpa?" the little boy said...

See? Which beginning is more interesting? Yours or mine?

Hope this helped,
Sakura

hey, thanks for the help, I have never played runescape, my friend came up with the name, I guess thats where he got it from.
I didn't realize I was summarizing, thanks for pointing that out.

Hey hi! I'll be your reviewer today!

Okay, first off: yay for falcons! Seriously, I'm a fan of birds of prey. Just had to give a shout out.

Well, Haruno already addressed the "telling rather than showing" issue of the prologue, so I won't repeat any of that. On to the first chapter!

An ancient falcon was very much like a normal falcon yet it lived for hundreds of years and grew to be massive creatures that were sometime mistaken for young dragons flying high in the sky.

This bit of exposition is really jarring when used as the first sentence. Perhaps you had better insert it a little later, after you introduce the character of the falcon a bit more. Also, you don't really need "was very much like a normal falcon". It doesn't really apply, considering the falcon isn't like a normal falcon. I mean, it is huge and sentient for one thing.

The sentence is also just plain uber long. A breaking up would be a good idea.

ex. Ancient falcons lived for hundreds of years and grew to be massive creatures, to the point were some had been mistaken for young dragons flying overhead.

Something like that.

An ancient falcon could remember the very moment it was born. They never forgot. This falcon had lived for exactly 170 years, it had lived through times of desperation and times of need and it never forgot a thing.

The great falcon beat its mighty wings up high in the clear skies of Pantadon. Below the mighty beast were lush green hills and great oak trees. The beast’s shadow accompanied it below, scaring off rabbits and small animals.

The mighty falcon turned its great head and its deep and mysterious yellow eyes to the village of Falador. The wise beast knew none of its kind had allowed itself to be seen for a decade… The main reason being that the falcon’s territory was being slowly infected with a poison… it was killing all the falcon’s food and a new generation would not rise for they did not grow and died of an unknown disease over the course of a few weeks.

If all the falcon's food is being killed by the poison, what about all the little rabbits and animals? What does this falcon eat? The way you describe the "lush green hills" and "great oak trees", it sounds as though this land is thriving. Is the poison a little more subtle? How does the falcon know about it?

Another synonym for "falcon" and "beast" would be appreciated. You used both quite a bit in the space of a few sentences. You could use "it" a few places in here also. And we get that the falcon is "mighty." There were quite a few instances in there.

The problem with this, along with the prologue, is that it is also telling, rather than showing. We are being told about the falcon's condition, when what we really want is to be shown it. Figure out some way for the falcon to interact with its environment so we get the same message.

ex. The falcon is hungry - its prey is dying - and it knows that the poison is killing it.

The falcon soared over the trees, brushing the browned tops with the tips of its wings. Leaves shuddered under the wind of the waving feathers and snapped off their branches to flutter in great waves to the ground. The falcon peered through the dying leaves. Nothing. Nothing to eat, just as there had been nothing for days. The great bird's feathers covered the shrunken frame, hiding the bones poking through the malnourished body, but the falcon could feel its weakness. It was growing old and tired and being slowly starved wasn't helping.

It was the poison that was creeping into the land. The falcon could feel it infecting everything. The air itself was tainted, coating the bird's lungs as it breathed in deeply. The poison was killing it, and the land around it. Another volley of dead leaves pelted the ground as the falcon beat its wings.
---

See how the falcon is interacting with the environment and the interactions are showing what is happening? It's hard to do with a single character, this showing versus telling, but it is important. Don't say "all the fish were dying" (making this up, I am), describe what the dying fish look like to the character.

ex. Peter looked out across the lake with dismay. Small scaly bodies bobbed lightly on the murky water. A few flapped weakly, sending out ripples that sent others sliding away across the surface, while the rest lay still, pale bellies turned upwards. The smell of rotting fish hung like a fog over the lake and birds cawed and flapped all around, grateful for the feast.

The bird slowed its pace in due to disappointment.

Do you mean "slowed its pace due to disappointment" or "...in disappointment"? The latter sounds a bit better.

With the falcon's thoughts, perhaps it would be best to italicize them. It makes it clear that they are thoughts and sets them apart from the regular text, so the reader isn't confused by the style change in narration.

ex. I am so dead, Mary thought as she looked down at the shattered vase.

Anyway, this seems like an interesting beginning. Is the falcon going to be a recurring character? I'd love to read more from it. If not, I'd consider cutting it and somehow telling this information through another source. Otherwise, you're using a character simply for exposition and that is generally frowned upon.

In any case, keep on writing! It's pretty clear there's going to be a hero. So let's see how this hero fares in the face of this danger! Looking forward to reading more, I am.

~GryphonFledgling