(2) The Doppelganger

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Entry Two
The Doppelganger

They first appeared to me when I was eight or nine.

A little boy nobody bothered to introduce to the class, he hung around during recess and watched me for a week or so. It was creepy – his eyes were a muddled color, and he was so still when he didn’t have to move, his posture so strangely erect as he sat with me, it made everyone a little afraid just to look at him. He was not a little boy: he knew too much to be our age. He never laughed, never attempted to join our games. Monday through Thursday, he stuck by my side, always close enough for him to frighten away any other children, far enough to avoid actually talking to me.

Friday, he smiled at me. It was coy and cold and superior, and made my hair stand on end. Never before had he done something that outright scared me, but as he walked towards me, my knees started to tremble and I took several involuntary steps back.

“Don’t be afraid,” he told me. “I’m not the one you need to be afraid of.” His smile widened a little. “Don’t worry,” he said, “I’m going, but you won’t be alone for long.”

The next day, early Saturday morning, I woke up to the sound of someone laughing. Someone was bending over my face, giggling.

“Hello, Calvin.”

I opened my eyes, looking directly into the face of – me. A perfect, blonde me. He threw back his head and laughed all the harder at my expression.

“Calvin, Calvin, you’re too funny!” he howled, doubling over and holding his ribs. He was dressed in my clothes – my socks, my shoes, all of it.

“Who are you?” He stopped laughing and looked at me. “Did… he send you?” My voice must have trembled, because the brat made a “pfffffft!” sound and started laughing again. He was so amused that he fell down and started to roll around on my floor.

I was so engrossed in watching him that I didn’t see him sneaking up behind me, fingers bent in an imitation of claws and his face in an exaggerated snarl. “Boo!” he said, right next to my ear. I shrieked and jumped off the bed.

He was suddenly right beside me, leaning against the closet door, eyes lowered demurely.

“I’m you,” he said. “But I have a different name.”

I bolted for the bedroom door, but he was already there, one hand on the knob. The lock made an apologetic click as it was turned.

“Ask what my name is,” he suggested.

I swallowed.

“What is your name?”

“I can’t tell you!” He dissolved into another fit of diabolical laughter. I watched him for a long time – who knows how long? His laughter slowly died down to sick-sounding wheezes. “Okay, okay. Ask me—” He looked up, still grinning. “What I am.”

“What are you?” We were settling into a groove: him laughing at everything I said, taunting me with his every twitch.

“I am you, silly boy!” He crowed with delight at his own words.

I felt indignation rise up inside me, but it was quelled by the still-fresh fear. I remained silent and eyed him, feeling sick and worry mingle with bile in my stomach.

“Oh, Calvin, don’t look at me like that,” he said, putting on a mock-sad face. “I’ve been here all along… watching you…” He slunk closer to me and twisted his neck, holding his hands up to his face, trying to look sweet and unassuming. “Who was it, do you think, that scared away the monster under your bed, in your closet, the one lurking under the floorboards…?”

He stomped one foot, and a low hiss came from the floor. He slammed the closet door, and an agonized moan came from within. He was suddenly sitting on the bed, arms and legs crossed and a haughty expression on his face. “Me.”

I was more impressed than I cared to admit, until I realized that he had made the sounds.

“You didn’t scare them away,” I said. “You are the monster in the closet.”

“And the one in the floor, the one under the bed,” he said in a singsong voice. “All little children are blessed with the monsters of the dark.” He smiled, and I was reminded of the boy, the boy from school… “But very few are allowed to take the monsters out of the shadows.” He scratched his chin. “How do they say it? Ah, yes. ‘You can take the monster out of the darkness, but you can’t take the darkness out of the monster.’”

“That’s not how it goes,” I said. “’You can take the cat out of the jungle, you can’t take the jungle out of the cat.’”

“Well, my they is smarter than your they,” he said.

“Who’s your they?” Talking was giving me courage, a foothold on a slippery slope. It didn’t matter that none of it made sense.

“I don’t know, tell me yours first.”

I stayed silent again, hoping to taunt him into answering. To my surprise, it worked.

“The Zeitgeist,” he said. “The little prick who clung to you all this week. Pissed me off so much I had to come out.”

“You knew him?”

“No.” He examined his fingernails, feigning disinterest. “He was in this room.” A chill ran down my spine. “Watching you sleep. Talking to me. Didn’t even ask to come in – just sat on your windowsill and talked.”

“What did he say?”

“All kinds of scheiss on the Zeitgeist,” he said, flicking an imaginary grain of dust from one finger. “I hate them!”

“You knew about them before?”

“No, but I hate them.”

He appeared behind me and sighed deeply. “You see, Calvin, we’re a very unique little boy. Special. Maybe nine or ten others like us in the world.” I turned around. He was gone, and standing in front of the bureau.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because I am you and you are I, and they are only them.” He took a step towards me, and my own leg moved forward. “Oh,” he smiled. “You’re already giving up?” He raised one hand and scratched behind his ear. I did also.

“It’s too bad I have to go now,” he said, shaking his head. I shook my head.

“Where are you going?” I flexed my fingers and brought my arm down, fighting an invisible script. He did likewise, still smirking.

“Oh, I’ll still be here,” he said, voice losing its volume. “We’ll have some fun tonight, I can tell you that…”

“Why?” I asked, my own voice also dropping to a whisper.

“Can’t you feel it?” he asked, grin broadening. “It’s full moon tonight.” His leer seemed to swallow the rest of his face, the rest of him, until he wasn’t there anymore.

**************
Okay.
I'm doing a massive re-write on Valentina's entry, but I can't really fix the problem. The problem is that this should have been the first read. Stupid mutating stories (the original storyline was from Val's PoV). Someone pointed out that the doppelganger is weak, and I did a massive face/nearest hard surface. Duh, I should have done the DG's entry first!
The creepy little kid in the first paragraph or so will come back later, but this is his first visible entry into the story so I'd like him to have a better-than-normal entrance. And the first few paragraphs suck noticeably. Help plz!
As for the DG himself...I use the word "laugh" and the variations thereof way much.

Help me, pleeeeeeeease!
xD
~Sumi
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Hey, Sumi!

A little boy nobody bothered to introduce to the class, he hung around during recess and watched me for a week or so.


This sentence makes perfect sense, but it doesn't make grammatical sense. I'm thinking you need to start the sentence with 'As'. "As a little boy nobody bothered to introduce..."

Okay, while I was reading this, I was thinking, "Um... what?" But thankfully, by the end, it made complete sense. In fact, I might dare to say that I really enjoyed this chapter. It was so much easier to read and understand, even though the events that take place in this chapter are very... different.

CONFUSION TIME!

Okay, picture this: You're sleeping, but then you wake up and you see yourself staring at yourself. You're a little freaked out/confused, right? Then why didn't Calvin act this way?

In the first part, where he wakes up to Calvin, he acts like he should: running to the door, gulping. That was good. But by the end, it was almost as if he were comfortable talking to this stranger. I don't think that it would happen that fast. Add a little more hesitance in the real Calvin's actions, I think. Yeah, that would work a lot better.

DON'T I'M CAN'T WON'T

Contractions are your friends. Use them, especially in dialog.

Well done, Sumi! I am anxiously looking forward to the next chapter.

-Jared
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Would love help on this.




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Hiya, Sumi! =D

Okay, so I'm kind of excited 'cause my German class is finally coming in handy. xD I believe it's "Scheiße." You probably knew about the S-set, but the E I believe belongs there. ^_^ It's a noun in German too, so it would be capitalized, but since we're writing in English, who the.. er... poo knows, ja? xD

And I figured out what Zeitgeist is. *squee* Time ghost? =D Maybe? =D *excited*

*cough*

I'm worried for Calvin's childhood, but this may just be his special self, as the Other Me said (like 10 others in the world thing). He's not freaking out, and his dialogue sounds very mature for a nine-year-old. xD I've lived through two nine-year-olds, and though I don't know a lot 'cause there were only two, I know enough to say that their a little more innocent and naive. xD Calvin just seems to be answering all the right questions, lol.

...Maybe that's just how Calvin is. O_O

Other Me was amazing. xD I lol'd. I think my sister stared at me for a good third of this story, lol. Very good job with him. xD He made me happy. ^^

And the other kid will come back you say, so that'll be good. You also say that you'll redo his entrance? That would be good. ^^ I honestly got kinda lost between the kid and Other Me. I'm not sure he has a place in this part?

I enjoyed this, though! =D This story is coming along very nicely. I'm rather excited. ^_^ PM if you have any questions or such. ^^

Keep writing!

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They first appeared to me when I was eight or nine.


Shouldn't 'they' be 'he'? Its a plural but the subject following is singular?

I was so engrossed in watching him that I didn’t see him sneaking up behind me, fingers bent in an imitation of claws and his face in an exaggerated snarl.


You were so engrossed in watching him that you...didn't see him? Huh? You were watching, yes? How did he manage to sneak up behind you?

*is uberly confused*

*

I don't have much to say on this chapter of strange little boys. I really didn't like the constant laughter, diabolical giggling, etc but I very much enjoyed him when he calmed down. It was intriguing, I thought, although the opening with the Zeitgeist could be redone. It wasn't very well done in my opinion.

Sorry for the lousy review, :p, I'm not feeling very good.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

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Hey again Sumi. As you requested. Sorry that this critique was kind of late, I felt quite tired throughout the day.

They first appeared to me when I was eight or nine.


I don't think you should start off with "they". I got slightly confused here since the next paragraph (and what follows after) talks about one person only ( but this clears up somewhat as I read further down the piece). I think you need a clearer introduction to better define what's happening here.

I felt indignation rise up inside me, but it was quelled by the still-fresh fear.


Hrmm. Indignation seems a bit far-fetched. If I was in his situation, I would either be embarrassed, annoyed or be finding him kind of humorous. The little kid's actions doesn't really seem that offensive to merit "indignation".

Maybe nine or ten others like us in the world.” I turned around. He was gone, and standing in front of the bureau.


Is this why you decide to use "they" as your opening sentence?

“The Zeitgeist,” he said. “The little prick who clung to you all this week. Pissed me off so much I had to come out.”


“All kinds of scheiss on the Zeitgeist,” he said, flicking an imaginary grain of dust from one finger. “I hate them!”


What's a Zeitgeist? I think you should give the audience a better of what that is for those that do not know.

Overall impressions:

I think this entry is better than the first one. It's much easier to relate to (the whole kid pestering another person idea. God that happens to be quite a bit lol and I'm sure with others too), not filled with technical detail/jargon that would make it more difficult for the audience to understand/get into your piece and has more concrete feelings/emotions (not to mention that I think the kid is kind of cute lol). However, it took me several reads of the piece to really allow my brain to grasp this piece. When I was reading this for the first time, the ideas in this piece pretty much flew past me rather quickly. Consider my following points:

1) Imbalance of ideas

Part of the reason why I was unable to wrap my mind around this piece until like the 3rd read through over is that the piece focuses heavily on the conversation between this little kid and the narrator. As a consequence, you tend to leave the other ideas in the dark, such as how the kid reacts to the narrator's friendship circle and vice versa and his behaviour around the narrator. The conversation didn't even seem to have much variety to it (but I'll talk about that later).

To give the piece more of a balance, I think your first sentence should define the piece more clearer (as stated above). A good point to start would be to be more specific about what "they" is or to clear it up more. Then use your intro to transition to your first idea, the idea as to how the kid reacts to the narrator's friendship circle and vice versa. Be more specific regarding their reactions. Your sentences in that bit are too generalized for me (eg: Monday to Thursday he did that, Friday he did that etc). It lacks insight.

I really want to know more about it. I think it would help you greatly if you involve the friendship circle of the narrator more. For example, you could have the narrator refer to one of his good friends in the circle and discuss how he felt about the kid, how he reacted to the kid's posture, how he dealt with it (did he seek the narrator for help?) and any other details (did the narrator and his friend make an effort to involve him more into their friendship circle? If so, how and why? If they just ignore him, again, how and why? Or maybe there is debate among the group as to whether to let him in or not? That would hook the reader's attention quite easily and allow for more depth and conflict in your piece).

With the idea as to how the kid behaved around the narrator during the day, I think you can work it in a little more with the first idea. For example, you can mention what the group ( or using my example of using one of the narrator's friend from the above paragraph) thought of the narrator having that kid behaving like that around him. It should allow you to talk more about it and to give the opening more form, depth and flow.

2) The conversation

Yea, I noticed that there was some slight repetition during the conversation, especially the laughing of the kid. To me, the kid seems quite child-like, yet kind of cheeky at the same time so you could have him do more child-like things to add in more variety in his actions.

Think back to your child-hood. What do kids (especially the cheeky) normally do? Don't focus on this too much though as that is only minor. The main issue that I have with the conversation is that it seems a bit irrelevant and somewhat linear. I think it's because there's no clear relationship between the Zeitgeist and his doppelganger.

You can show more of the conflict between the Zeitgeist and the doppelganger (why is the doppelganger pissed at him exactly?) in terms of their roles and connection with the narrator. I had the impression that the doppelganger is more honest with his emotions whereas the Zeitgeist puts up a depressing facade only to just annoy people and is rather anti social. I also thought the doppelganger seems to know the narrator much more than the Zeitgeist.

Perhaps one of the conflict between the doppelganger and the Zeitgeist is the difference in honesty between them: How it seems as though the Zeitgeist puts up a depressing facade just to annoy people, including the doppelganger.

More possible conflicts can be trust and jealousy: How the intentions of the Zeitgeist are unknown because of his anti-social nature and that care must be taken or there will be consequences for them both. Maybe the doppelganger in some way or form care about Calvin and wishes him not to talk to strangers, but to people that he know much more about, like the doppelganger himself as they are actually one whole entity. I think you should make those conflicts more evident in the dialogue. I think it's a pretty neat idea that deserves more discussion between them to add more needed depth between them.

3) Them

This is kind of minor, but I noticed that you use "them" a bit near the piece? Are there others? If so, what are the "others"? This needs to be explained more, as I have little idea of what that could mean.

Overall, this is decent, and I wouldn't mind reading more of this. It has some pretty interesting ideas that kind of missed the mark because of the above reasons. I hope that my critique has helped you greatly Sumi and that you would take my advice into consideration. And if you need more of my help, feel free to PM me.

Good luck. :D

Andy.
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