Ashurbanipal-chapter 1 - part 1

Let them hate us as long as they fear us

- Caligula

Chapter 1


King Ashurbanipal was lying on his bed. He coughed weakly and turned towards the golden double doors that opened as his secret police force’s leader, Aram-Ashur strode in.

He knelled before the sick king, who looked upon Aram with calm eyes.

"You called me my lord," Aram said, keeping his hand on his chest; it always paid to show respect to your superiors, was one of Aram's many philosophies

Ashurbanipal nodded "You may rise Aram-Ashur son of my cousin, Domara-dinkha."

Aram rose from his knees and faced his lord. The king also sat upright, and he placed his shaking hands on his knees before he started talking in a overly dramatic voice; which was one of his many customs.
"I am growing sick," he said letting the grim remark fill the room, until silence took its place inside the hollow space once again.
"I know it. You know it. We all know it," he continued, his eyes still calm.
Aram stayed silent. He knew better than to interrupt the king when he was talking.
"I need an heir.”
Aram looked to the ground, as if to find the right words, which he already had found days ago and had practised for this precise situation. A few moments later he spoke up, “If it is not too bold to say… Cannot I be the heir?” He raised his head, his ambitions gleaming from his eyes; which were almost bulging out of their sockets thanks to the anticipation growing inside him. He continued “I have shown both valor in battles and I have worked as your eyes and ears for more than ten new seasons.” He raised his head and spread his hands like a mighty eagle would spread its wings in the sky.

“No!” Ashurbanipal’s voice boomed around the great bedroom.
Aram fell silent and stared at the floor yet again. It would take more than just that little speach to win the king over.
The king could be a stubborn person. Aram though when recalling an incident where the king had got only three full chests of gold instead of the three-and-a-half, that he had requested from Nabopolazar. The governor hadn't walked straight for weeks.
“I want Ilani to take my place,” the king said as he laid his head back to his pillow.

Aram looked upon the king in horror, “Ashur-Etil-Ilani? In the name of Es, please my lord tell me this is a joke?” He begged and stepped closer, horror played across his face making him grimace. “He will destroy the empire! All that you have created,” he could still remember when he had last fought besides Ilani; Ilani was a coward and relied totally on his advisers, he knew nothing of real governing.
The king had a content smile upon his face, “Perhaps so.”
Aram looked shocked; he took a chair from his left side and sat on it.
There was silence yet again as darkness of the night swept the room from its many windows.
"You could have chosen Sinsharishkun,"
"I could have," Ashurbanipal nodded, and Aram sighed.
A slave came into the room, she was holding a silver plate, with a jug of wine. The servant took a wooden and breathtakingly carved table and put the plate on it. The she filled two glasses with wine. Aram lifted his own glass, and looked at the wine before he drank it in one sip.

“My son, this argument is futile. It defeats the purpose of my summon.” The king rose once again, this time he turned around on his purple bed and placed his fragile old hand on Aram’s shoulder, “Not everything goes as you planned.”

“Yes but they seem to go as you have planned.” Aram snapped. Anger was now clearly in his eyes, although his face stayed cold and unmoving.
“So it seems.”
Aram rose from the chair and took a step away from the king, “What do you wish me to do?”

“I wish that you will protect Ilani, from all harm that may come his way.” The king said simply.

“What makes you think that I will not kill him myself?” Aram turned his back at the king.
The king rose- clutching on a wooden cane that he had taken from the corner of the bed, he tied his royal cape around him, “Because I know you will honor my wish.”

Aram sighed solemnly, “As always.”
The king nodded.

"This means I will have to fight my own cousins to keep Ilani safe,"
"And you are telling me that you wouldn't have even if I would have not asked?" He gave Aram a purposefully questioning glare.

“Was that all?” Aram asked in an ill mood.
“You are dismissed.”

Aram strode out of the room, leaving only the king, who watched Aram leave with sad eyes, and the slave, waiting for the doors to close.
“He is still young,” the slave said.
“I know, I know. But…”

The slave stayed silent.

I don't really see any mistakes that I can point out here,
So good job with that. (then again, I have been known to be extremely blur.)
I read the 'preview' on the Assyrian King,
So I decided to check this one out,
And I must say, it really captured my attention.
I'm still trying to figure out the King's intentions
And what Aram's going to do,
So nice job with the ending.
Though I really get frustrated when people leave me at good cliffhangers.
I'll definitely be looking out for the next chapter.
Oh, and I think you deserve a gold star from me

~A question: Are you really basing this on a realy King and at least partially accurate historical facts, or did you just come up with the story, the names and everything? Because it's really amazing.

Lord Anzius wrote:Let them hate us as long as they fear us

- Caligula

Chapter 1


King Ashurbanipal was lying on his bed. He coughed weakly and turned towards the golden double doors that opened as his secret police force’s leader, Aram-ashur strode in.

Arm (do you mean Aram?) kneeled before the sick king, who looked upon Aram with calm eyes.

"You called me my lord," Aram said, keeping his hand on his chest while still kneeling before his king.

Ashurbanipal nodded "You may rise Aram-ashur son of my cousin, Domara-dinkha."

Aram rose from his knees and faced his lord, Ashurbanipal best not to repeat the name again too soon. The king also (no comma) sat upright, and coughed weakly (he's already coughed weakly, maybe something else? and if he is growing weak, then wouldn't it make sense for him to be coughing more heavily? If he's slowly dying, his lungs will probably be playing up badly) before he started talking.
"I am growing weak ('weak' again. Another word?)," he said letting the grim remark fill the room, until silence took its place [s]inside the lonesome room again[/s]. Makes a little more sense
"I know it, you know it. We all know it," he continued, his eyes still calm.
Aram stayed silent.
"I need an heir.”
Aram looked to the ground, as if to find the right words. A few moments later he spoke up, “If it is not too bold to say… Cannot I be the heir?” he raised his head up, his ambitions gleaming from his eyes as he continued “I have shown both valor in battles and I have worked as your eyes and ears for more than ten new seasons.” (I liked this part, it really reflected what you could imagine happening).[s] He raised his head and spread his hands.[/s] Is this sentence necessary?

“No!” Ashurbanipal’s voice boomed around the great bedroom. Aram fell silent and stared at the floor yet again.
“I want Ilani to take my place,” the king said as he laid his head back to his pillow.

Aram looked upon the king in horror, “Ashur-etil-ilani? In the name of Anu, please my lord tell me this is a joke?”
He spread his hands yet again (maybe something a bit more dramatic instead, like 'threw his arms open' ?) and stepped closer, horror played across his face making him grimace, “He will destroy the empire! All that you have created.”
The king had a content smile upon his face, “Perhaps so.”
Aram looked shocked; he took a chair from his left side and sat on it.
There was silence yet again as darkness of the night swept the room from its many windows.
A slave came in holding a silver plate, on the plate there was wine, the servant took a table and put the plate on it. The she filled both glasses with wine. Aram drank his own wine in one sip. (I think maybe these two sentences need reworking. Just to make it sound less rushed and make a little more sense. It's a bit of a clumpy way of making the action move on

“My son, this argument is futile. It defeats the purpose of my summon,”The king rose once again. This time he turned around on his purple bed and placed his hand on Aram’s shoulder, “Not everything goes as you planned.”

“Yes but they seem to go as you have planned,” Aram snapped.
“So it seems.”
Aram rose from the chair and took a step away from the king, “What do you wish me to do?”

“I wish that you will protect Ilani, from all harm that may come his way,”The king said simply.

“What makes you think that I will not kill him myself?” Aram turned his back at the king.
The king rose, his royal cape around him, “Because I know you will honor my wish.”If he's very weak and possibly dying, then rising will probably take a lot more effort. Some more description of this would be good)

Interesting! I liked it. Conflict already, that's good. I'm intrigued as to what may happen next.

Leoni

Back for more!

Let them hate us as long as they fear us

- Caligula

Again, the quote throws me a little. Kudos for using alusions, but I don't know how much they fit.

He coughed weakly and turned towards the golden double doors that opened as his secret police force’s leader, Aram-ashur strode in.

This could stand to be broken up. I'd put a period after "doors" and rework the bit after so it could stand on its own.

he said letting the grim remark fill the room, until silence took its place inside the hollow room once again.

Delete "said" and put "let" as the main verb to give this more punch.

"I know it, you know it. We all know it," he continued, his eyes still calm.

You can keep this with the paragraph above. We haven't been given any reason that it would be somebody else talking.

“I want Ilani to take my place,” the king said as he laid his head back to his pillow.

You could stand to put the action before the dialogue here.

He begged and stepped closer, horror played across his face making him grimace.

Uncapitalize the "he"; put a semi-colon instead of a comma.

from his left side

You don't need this info.

There was silence yet again as darkness of the night swept the room from its many windows.

You are missing "in" between "swept" and "the." Other then that I really liked this.

A slave came into the room, she was holding a silver plate, on the plate there was wine. The servant took a table and put the plate on it. The she filled both glasses with wine. Aram lifted his own glass and looked at the wine before he drank it in one sip.

This gets rather repetitive the amount you use proper nouns. Rework it so things are a little less.. dull.

“Yes but they seem to go as you have planned.” Aram snapped.

This feels a little to formal for a "snap."

“So it seems.”

You're missing a tag here. Since you've set up a pattern of people's dialogue going onto new paragraphs, a tag is needed so we don't get confused. You've done that a little later in the story as well.

“What makes you think that I will not kill him myself?” Aram turned his back at the king.

I really have a hard time believing anybody would say that.

Atmosphere- I'm not getting the amount of tension that's happening between the king and the spymaster. Right now you only have action tags and dialogue, without any character thoughts. Put in some emotion and choice description instead of play-by-play movements and this will be more attention getting.

Overall- I found this a little dull, for reasons mentioned above. But I am curious as to how things are going.

Hope I was helpful!

Okay Thanks for the review. I'll just explain these things.

I will express Aram's thoughts but I didn't think I needed to do that in this part of the story.
There isn't really tension around the king and Aram but more around Aram and Ilani.

Later in the story Aram will betray Ilani leaving him to be killed by the Babylonians.
The Babylonians come after Aram (they double crossed him) and Here is where the story really starts.
Aram first heads to the place where Turkey is now. To one of the Greek cities. And you'll just have to wait to read the rest

Back again for more, Anzius! Brace thyself.

King Ashurbanipal was lying on his bed. He coughed weakly and turned towards the golden double doors that opened as his secret police force’s leader, Aram-ashur strode in.

Something about this just doesn't do if for me as an opening sentence. I know you've had your prologue, but here is where the story really starts, and you're going to give us a boring first sentence like that? You can do better, I'm sure of it. And, FYI, I do think that 'ashur' should be capitalized, don't you?

In these next few sentences, I see that you're missing some commas. You can use commas whenever there is a pause in the voice of either a narrator or characters. Reread through this and see where you take a breath or linger for a moment. Put commas in all of those spots.

"I am growing sick," he said letting the grim remark fill the room, until silence took its place inside the hollow room once again.

Repeating words very closely together always disrupts the flow of a sentence. This is something that a lot of writers, I've noticed, need to remember. If you read this sentence aloud, you'll see what I mean. So, I'd just take out everything after 'place'. You aren't losing anything.

There was silence yet again as the darkness of the night swept the room from its many windows.

A slave came into the room, she was holding a silver plate, on the plate there was wine.

This sentence needs a semi-colon. Check out my tutorial on commas and semi-colons. Punctuation rocks.

The she filled both

'Then', I believe.

Now, dear, I think you have a quite promising story line set up here. However, your execution seemed a bit bland to me. I understand that this is only the first chapter, but isn't the first chapter the part that you want to hook us in with? Isn't the first chapter the part where you show us your characters, where you say, "These are the people you're going to be following for the next two-hundred pages. Don't you like them? Don't you care about them?"

No, dear, as of now we don't. That's easily remedied, though, so no need to worry; you just need to make sure that you don't keep your characters behind this sheet of glass. From this short little excerpt (and the prologue) it feels as if I'm watching this Aram from across the room.

You said you're going to get into his head. Good. Just remember that there are more than one way to get inside a characters head. You don't have to say it like this:

Oh my God, he thought, why is this girl even talking to me? She's such a chatterbox!

You can also try something like this:

He watched her talk with a mixture of disgust and boredom. Did she never shut up?

See the difference? You don't have to go out and say that he's thinking something. There are other ways, just to keep in mind.

I think that the connection between your characters and your readers is your main issue, kay? I'm very interested in the story-line you've established, but I need to be able to get into it before I can commit myself to read the whole thing.

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything!
~Evi

Moi, Anssi!

He coughed weakly and turned towards the golden double doors that opened as his secret police force’s leader. Aram-Ashur strode in.

Aram [s]knelled[/s] before the sick king, who looked upon Aram with calm eyes.

To avoid the repetition, I'd replace the second 'Aram' with 'him'.

"You called me, my lord," Aram said, keeping his hand on his chest[s] while still kneeling before his king[/s].

A few moments later he spoke up, “If it is not too bold to say… Cannot I be the heir?” He raised his head[s] up[/s], his ambitions gleaming from his eyes. He continued: “I have shown both valor in battles and I have worked as your eyes and ears for more than ten new seasons.” He raised his head and spread his hands like an eagle would spread its wings.

A slave came into the room, she was holding a silver plate, on the plate there was wine.

Hmm, a little awkward. Play around with some periods to make it flow better.

“I wish that you will protect Ilani, from all harm that may come his way,” the king said simply.

“Was that all?” Aram asked in an ill mood.

I think he should say the line in a certain tone, not mood. In that case, the word ill may not be the best one.


I'm liking the way things are turning out! However, I do believe you should start personalizing the characters from the very beginning. At the moment, we haven't really reached the Aram-Ashur's way of thinkingm and we definitely couldn't start thinking, "What would Aram-Ashur do?" Of course, it's just the first chapter, but try to focus on that. You also had some punctuation thingies there, but they're easy to improve on.

Keep writing!


Demeter
xxx

Here I am again. Haha. Ok, here we go.

Aram said, keeping his hand on his chest; it always paid to show respect to your superiors, was one of Aram's many philosophies

First of all, you need a period at the end of the sentence. And I would flip it around so it sounds more like "it was one of Aram's many philosophies that it always paid off to show respect to your superiors."

Ashurbanipal nodded "You may rise Aram-Ashur son of my cousin, Domara-dinkha."

You need a period after "nodded."

The king also sat upright, and he placed his shaking hands on his knees before he started talking in a overly dramatic voice; which was one of his many customs.

Don't use the word "overly" here. It breaks the tone. And in my mind, everyone talks dramatically in historical fiction, so you don't have to address that. You can just assume people know that from the tone of the piece.

Aram looked to the ground, as if to find the right words, which he already had found days ago and had practised for this precise situation.

I really like this part.

He raised his head, his ambitions gleaming from his eyes; which were almost bulging out of their sockets thanks to the anticipation growing inside him.

you need a comma where the semicolon is.

The king could be a stubborn person. Aram though when recalling an incident where the king had got only three

The period after person should be a comma, and "though" should be "thought" I also think it sounds better for "where" to be "when"

Aram turned his back at the king.

Change "at" to "to" it sounds better.

Good ending. And you did a good job with the imagery as well. I really like this as a first chapter, it has suspense, and raises a lot of questions. Why does the king seem to think Ilani should be king, even if he is incompentent? What will Aram do? Good job! I'm excited to read more.

Back again!

This time around, I'm going to give you a line-by-line with every piece of advice I can give alone with links to articles that I think you will benefit from. Any and all questions can be directed to me at any time. ^_^

Let them hate us as long as they fear us


- Caligula

I love the quotes at the beginning. This time around, I understand the relation between this quote and the chapter. Very well-picked! =D

King Ashurbanipal was lying on his bed. He coughed weakly and turned towards the golden double doors that opened as his secret police force’s leader, Aram-Ashur strode in.


He knelled before the sick king, who looked upon Aram with calm eyes.


"You called me my lord," Aram said, keeping his hand on his chest; it always paid to show respect to your superiors, was one of Aram's many philosophies


Ashurbanipal nodded "You may rise Aram-Ashur son of my cousin, Domara-dinkha."


Aram rose from his knees and faced his lord. The king also sat upright, and he placed his shaking hands on his knees before he started talking in a overly dramatic voice; which was one of his many customs.

~*Unfinished review*~