a new year's tale part 2

The New Year starts with a bang. The sound from the church bells fills the streets. People’s laughter and shouts are the norm of the night as the festival starts to rise.

Children who would be sleeping at this time enjoy the spectacular view of the night sky. It is a wonderful day. It gives a sense that you are free in this world.




I slowly open my eyes in the cold winter night. Why am I still alive? I am supposed to be dead by now but I am still breathing.

A gentle feeling fills me. It feels like a blanket covering my whole body. It comforts me. It warms me. It gives me new hope. But I am not hesitant to find out the identity of my savior who gave me this warmth. I simply rest my head and enjoy the moment. I can feel myself being lifted from the cold street and into the warm hands of a stranger.

I look up and I saw his face. He has a kind face with brown eyes that matches his skin. I do not know who he is but I am grateful.
He smiles at me with great warmth and sympathy. For the first time in my 15 years of my existence, I never feel such kindness in just one smile. I know that I can fully trust him. He is unlike my past caretakers.
I never expect a person to pick up a stranger like me. Does he even know me, a poor outcast girl who has suffered what no one else can imagine? No, I cannot think of that possibility.

I stare out at the night sky and I looked at the bright colors that decorate the evening sky. It is indeed a bright event to start the year, never in my life that I would ever predict such thing to happen. And as I close my eyes, I can feel heaven shining upon this glorious city. I welcome it and cherish it forever. My eyes lay heavy but it is now life that cradles it, not death.


I cannot wait for the New Year to uncover by itself.




My name is Iclisa Nadean and this is my story.

This is a nice beginning, though the ending was a little bit cliche. Also, you have a problem with your tenses. You switch from past to present, which isn't good. I suggest you choose one tense to write in. My recommendation would be to use present tense, since the ending uses present. You'll have to rewrite a good chunk of your work, but it will improve the quality of your story.

the night was brightly decorated.

Sorry, but I don't see how a night could be decorated. Maybe 'tonight, it is festively decorated.'

It is a wonderful day, New Year.

This is worded a little awkwardly. Perhaps you could say 'New Year's is a wonderful time'? That would be a little more flowing.

No one has a problem or cares

Subject-verb agreement. 'Has' is singular and 'cares' is plural. Either change both 'has' and 'problem' to plural or change 'cares' to singular.

I slowly opened my eyes through the cold winter night.

Through the cold winter night? Maybe in the cold winter night would work better.

Also, your description of the man is quite vague. All you did was say that he had a kind smile. What was his hair color, eyes, face? Did he wear a hat or glasses? Detail helps in a situation like this.

All in all, this was okay. However, it could be improved upon. Good luck with any future works!

Hi, again!

Okay, you still have a problem with your tenses:

It is a wonderful day, New Year. It gave a sense that you are free in this world. No one has a problem or cares for the future on this day. We are simply under the eyes of God and it is he that guides us.

This is present tense.

The rest is in past.

my eyes through the cold winter night.

Weird. Opening your eyes through the night? I think you meant in.

A soft feeling filled my body. I felt a soft blanket covering my whole body.

Take out soft when of the times. When you use it twice, it becomes repetitive.

He is different but we shared a common similarity on our past lives.
I never expect a person to picked up a stranger like me. Does he even know me, a poor outcast girl who have suffered what no one else can imagine? No, I cannot think of that possibility. It is New Year, right? To forget the past and to be ready for the new future is what it is all about.

This is all in the present tense. Change it to past. Also, take out the "what is is all about". It's amateurish and makes me think of the Hokey-Pokey dance.

I stare out at the night sky and I looked at the bright colors. It is indeed a bright event to start the year, never in my life that I would ever predict such thing to happen. And as I close my eyes, I can feel heaven shining upon this glorious city. I welcomed it and cherish it forever. My eyes lay heavy but it is now life that cradles it not death.

Parts of this section are in the present tense.

Also:

This story seems to take place before or at the exact same time as part 1. Make something happen!

Hope this helped,
Sakura

foxfire wrote:The New Year started with a bang. The sounds from the church bells filled the streets and the night was brightly decorated. People’s laughter and shouts were the norm of the night as the festival started to rose. I think you mean, "as the festival started to rise."

Children who [s]would sleep[/s] Use either "would be sleeping" or "usually slept" It sounds weir the other way. at this time enjoyed the spectacular view of the night sky. It is a wonderful day, New Year. It gave a sense that you are free in this world. No one has a problem or cares for the future on this day. We are simply under the eyes of God and it is he that guides us.
Woah buddy. You totally switch tense in this paragraph. If you're going for third person, please stick with it.

I slowly opened my eyes through the cold winter night. Try "in the col winter night" or and looked through the cold winter night" or something like that. The way it is sounds odd and takes away from the story. Why am I still alive? I am supposed to be dead by now but I am still breathing. Is it God’s will for me to be alive? What is his plan for me? I cannot help but wonder.
I like the last part.

A soft feeling filled my body. I felt a soft blanket covering my whole body. Agh, you use "soft" and "body" twice in only two sentences. This makes the piece seem repetitive and mediocre. I'd suggest some synonyms. It comforted me. It warmed me. It gave me new hope. But I am not hesitant to find out the identity of my savior who gave me this warmth. I simply rest my head and enjoyed the moment. I felt being lifted from the cold street and into the warm hands of a stranger.

I looked up and I saw his face. He had a kind face but within it I am certain that, like me, he too had some grief in the past. It does not matter now. He smiled at me with great warmth and kindness. I can sense his grief being lifted from his expression as I responded with a weak smile. For the first time of my 15 fifteen years of my existence, I never felt such kindness in just one smile. I knew that I [s]can[/s] could fully trust him. He [s]is [/s]was unlike my past caretakers. He[s] is[/s] different but we shared a common similarity on our past lives.
Okay wait a second here. Why is a fifteen year old being lifted up by a stranger in the street. And how does he for certain know that he's ha some grief in the past? I know you know everything about this world you've created, but your reader doesn't. So you might want to fill them in a tad more here, because otherwise they're just really confused.

I never expected a person to pick[s]ed[/s] up a stranger like me. Does he even know me?[s],[/s]Capitalize -> a poor outcast girl who [s]have[/s] has suffered what no one else can imagine? No, I cannot think of that possibility. It is the New Year, right? To forget the past and to be ready for the new future is what it it's all about.
I don't like the last sentence, it reminds me of the hokey-pokey.

I stared out at the night sky and I looked at the bright colors. It is indeed a bright event to start the year, never in my life that I would ever predict such thing to happen. And as I close my eyes, I can feel heaven shining upon this glorious city. I welcomed it and cherish it forever. My eyes lay heavy but it is now life that cradles [s]it [/s]me? not death.


I cannot wait for the New Year to uncover by itself.




My name is Iclisa Nadean and this is my story.

I liked this story. You have a lot of good imagery and description. But you do tend to change your tense as the story goes along, which, in your case, is easily fixed.
Take into consideration all the comments I left above and I think you can make this story a lot better.
Keep writing.
-jade.