nvm 2

Hi there!
I'd just like to say I thought this story was really good, and you did an excellent job. I like how you take the reader into the mind and thoughts of Gwen, something you pulled off excellently.
I also like the character of Shawn, but I would have liked to know a little more about him. A better phisical description would also have been nice too.
The only real problems I can see here is some typos, which have already been pointed out by everyone else.
I really enjoyed this. If you write anything else similar it would be great if you could PM me and let me know. I'm a sucker for little romance stories!
Keep writing!:D

-Moo

Hello, Broken Vain. I hope I am of some help to you today =]

I laid my head against the cold desk’s top.

"Desktop" is one word so there is no need to write it like you did above. Just say: I laid my head against the cold desktop. It flows better that way.

I shouldn’t of been feeling like this in the first place.

Instead of "shouldn't of" it should be "should't have"

It was like he was my heroine, soothing the aching I had within. I needed him like I needed a bullet in my head.

These two things contradict themselves, at least to me they do. First, you say that she needs him to alleviate the pain she feels. Next you say that she needs him like, being sarcastic. Like a bullet to the head would kill her just like him with her woudl kill her...? At least that's how I took it. I'm pretty sure you meant it a different way so just reword it to your liking so the reader doesn't get the wrong impression.

Could we ever stay up for hours on the hone talking about stupid stuff aimlessly without care?

First, it should be "phone" not "hone"
Next, this sentence is kind of awkward. Maybe try something like: Could we ever stay up for hours on the phone talking about stupid stuff, letting our sentences carry us aimlessly with no point to the conversation?

Flashbacks of a year ago played a slow, endless slide show through my thoughts while the teacher’s voice played as music in the background.

Love this! =] It's my favorite sentence so far!

“You’re not shy are ya?”

Should be a comma after "not" here.

I looked don afraid to meet his glance.

It shoudl be "down" instead of "don"

But when his arms warmed around me in a warm, protective embrace I returned his kiss and clung to him.

You use "warm" twice in one sentence. Not a good thing to do. Maybe try: But when his arms encircled me in a warm, protective embrace, I returned the kiss and clung to him.

~ ~ ~ ~

I love these sort of romances. Yes, it was slightly cliche, but you know what, that's what made me love it! Having a guy friend and slowly having the relationship grow until it forms love. Ah, so cute! =]

I really have no other complaints than the one's above that I pointed out.

Great job

Whoa, you did a clear job of explaining what agony she was in and we've all been there. I think it would be helpful in get us (as the readers) a little more grounded into the story. We need a little hint at what has happened before she puts her head on the desk in embarrassment.

Maybe something like "The bell rang and he was gone. I laid my head on my cold desk...." And then let us understand what happened, his expression, what was said, this way it could help justify all her anxiety. But also, you could add something in that maybe made part of her hopeful and makes us even happier with the final outcome then.

The setting and timeline were confusing. She's in a classroom (for how long? how many classes?), then lunch, then outside? They blend together too much, and maybe that's the point, that's how it feels for Gwen, but make that clear to us.

Keep writing!

wow ok...haha I actually really liked it. I'm a beginer but i seriously liked it. AND WHY THE HECK DID IT END SO QUICKLY??? You NEED to add more. I

*XxBrokenVainxX~

Here are some comments and thoughts while reading...

*My first thought~
While reading it seemed a little cliche. The whole girl liking best guy friend. I've read several novels and skimmed the summaries and YA novels all seem to be the same. Try to be original. I know you have something in you, and you could bring it out and make it original.

*Maybe a little too much~
Don't ya think Gwen is jumping to conclusions, quite often? Maybe lighten if off a bit and try not to make her so worried. I'm sure any girl who in her situation would worry and panic, but not that much.

*The End~
Even though the ending seemed too cliche, I was all like, "Awww. That's really cute!" So I'm half and half with this short piece. Cliche or originality?

*Overall~
I liked it, I really did. But try to die down on the cliche-ness, and make it your own. If that made sense. If you ever need help, I'm always here. Great job! And I look forward to reading more of yours.

*Merry

It was like he was my heroine, soothing the aching I had within. I needed him like I needed a bullet in my head.

this is way to cliche. and its from the twilight books; try to be more creative.

I couldn’t hold back my feelings any longer…I ruined everything. I remember the expression on his face, the haunting rejection in his eyes. He didn’t feel the same,Even though not a single word escaped his lips; I knew how it had to be.

you had several punctuation errors throughout. try turning those '...' into commas, or semi-colons.

it was a fairly cliche story, but entertaining.

keep up the good work!

Thanks to everyone who commented. I appreciate it. ^^

Wow
I really loved this
i disagree i loved the ending
really good job
I liked how you made it seem like e said no but it turns out in the end that it isnt tru
loved it good job
the nitpicks hav been looked at already
so im not gonna go over them again

Bye
K A M A S

I loved this. I thought it was very sweet and I loved how you described their relationship.

A few things:

There are quite a lot of typos. Personally, I think that's fine if it's a first draft, but if this is a second or whatever draft, you'll need to read through it again and change it, just to make sure it's all ok and typo-free.

'heroine' should be 'hero'. And yes, it does seem a bit cliche.

Apart from that, it all seems ok.

Good work!

Lisa

Listening to: 'Rock DJ' by Robbie Williams.

Wasn’t it enough that he even excepted me?

Did you mean accepted? cause excepted doesn't really make much sense in this sentence. Excepted what?

Each one pushing the next in hast to be remembered first.

Don't you mean haste?

Would he still except me?

I'm pretty sure you meant to say accept again.

That he’d except me with open arms?

accept, again?

[/quote] Because I wanted our lips to touch, rather than watching his touch other girls with envy in my eyes? [/quote]

I think you should have put him rather than his, and then add a coma after girls.

I drug myself to a table near the farthest corner of the court yard.

I'm pretty sure that "drug" is supposed to be "dragged"

I looked don afraid to meet his glance.

Don't you mean Down?
=O




I'm really really really sorry if I repeated anything that anyone else said. I didn't read everyone else's reviews. But that was really really good. =D
I liked it and I think it's really cute. ^-^

I don't care if it's a little cliche. I loved it!! <---(ohh double exclamation point. That's good.) Want to know my favorite part? It doesn't matter because I'm telling you anyways.

Of course we would if we didn’t kill each other first fighting over the remote control. The first night I’d spent at his house I ended up pinning him to the floor just so I could decide how loud the volume was going to be.

It was so cute. I always do that to people. Volume is important.

So anyways. I really liked it. Maybe it could have been longer...

Hey! I loved it so much. You had a few spelling mistakes, but I think everyone else got them. I thought it was really, really good! I hope to see you writing some other stuff!