nvm 2

void.

It was like he was my heroine, soothing the aching I had within. I needed him like I needed a bullet in my head.

Sorry, but I didn't like this at all. Way to cliched for me, and the heroine thing is right out of the Twilight books.

Could we ever stay up for hours on the hone talking about stupid stuff aimlessly without care?

I assume that you meant phone.

It was a boy…with light hair and light eyes.

I forget what to call the little dots. Anways, not really a good place for them, and you use them quite a bit. They're a bit irritating, and not a sign of strong writing. Proper punctuation is key, and you'll never see the little dots everywhere in a good published book.

This is just a personal pet peeve of mine, but I don't think its a very good habit to just drop descriptions like this. Even though this isn't all that bad. Its better to just drop subtle hints as to what a character look likes, and that makes it easier for reader to get more involved in the story because they can develop their own idea of the character's appearance.

I looked up and met his golden hazel eyes.

Same problem as before, and a bit cheesy.

Would he still except me?

accept

Friends don’t pressure friends into liking them like a boy should like a girl.

Awkward sentence.

**

Thats all I have time to edit in depth. I found the end to be a bit dissappointing. I was hoping for there to be a bit more to the story, but you just ended it like that. There wasn't much of a plot. I think this whole thing could be a good introduction for something a bit better.

I suggest doing a thourough edit, and adding more details. As well as a bit more about Shawn since he seems to be pretty important.

Good luck.

^6 Thank you very much Manzanna. I know I could add more to this, and to be honest I don't like the ending much either. But I have a nasty habit of going overboard on my stories (They turn into novels. *Rolls eyes*)
Those dots are called ellipses and I KNOW! It's the worst habit I have. I've been trying to stop it forever but they're hard to resist. I'll try to fix that.
Yeah I should talk a little more about Shawn...
Overall I agree completely with you. thank you for your help and time. ^^

Hi, BrokenVain! I'll do my best on this. And don't worry. We don't eat people alive here; we're not canibals. (jk)

I laid my head against the cold desk’s top. My cheeks were burning from embarrassment. Had I really just said that? I groaned and brought my head up a few inches before slamming it back down. I was such an idiot. He was my best friend…I couldn’t expect him to feel the same. I shouldn’t of been feeling like this in the first place. Wasn’t it enough that he even excepted me? Did I have to need more? I couldn’t control how he made me feel. Right about here I think you ought to state what she said. It would make it a lot easier to understand.

It didn’t start like this…It never had to be like this. We used to be able to just hang out and enjoy life to the fullest, but I had to complicate things. Now [s]everythime[/s] every time he enters the room my heart stops dead in its tracks and the world crashes down on me. That's a good way to put it! I’ve never wanted to be with someone so much. He knew me inside out; he knew the perfect words to say and when to say them. [It was like he was my heroine, soothing the aching I had within. I needed him like I needed a bullet in my head.] First of all, the heroine part is definitely Twilight, and believe me, writers here get touchy with Twilight (see my avatar & sig). I would get rid of that, because heroine is a drug and drugs don't soothe. I personally am dysphoric. And the part about the bullet in the brain is shocking, but creepy.

I couldn’t hold back my feelings any longer…I ruined everything. Just to make this more profound, italicize it. I remember the expression on his face, the haunting rejection in his eyes. He didn’t feel the same…Even though not a single word escaped his lips…I knew how it had to be. I only wish the bell wouldn’t have rang at that second. I needed him to say it. No matter how much it would hurt…I needed to know he didn’t want me. Good part, very deep. Good work!

Could things ever go back to the way they were? Could we ever stay up for hours on the hone talking about stupid stuff aimlessly without care? Did I take away the moments of bliss we would of shared tomorrow, or a week from now? The only one that knew everything…The only one I could trust was going to back away because I fell in love with him. It seems you already said this before; it sounds a little redundant. I think you should keep the first two sentences and answer with a simple bu painful, "No."

Flashbacks of a year ago played a slow, endless slide show through my thoughts while the teacher’s voice played as music in the background. I can't really tell where one flashback ends and where another begins, so bare with me. I think you ought to italicize those scenes as well. It separates the reality from the memory, making it more profound and easier to understand.

It was in the middle of the semester and everyone had already grown accustomed to their surroundings and had friends to complain to when the teachers assigned to much homework.
I was new and I didn’t speak much. I was shy, a trait my mother and I shared. I was sitting all alone at a table in the far corner of the courtyard. The sun burned my eyes and my stomach was too knotted to digest anything. Good description here of her feelings. Maybe you ought to describe the meal she was supposed to be eating.

I was nearly lying in my food What does "lying in my food" mean? Was she about to faint into her school lunch? when I heard a light clank of metal hitting metal. I sighed and looked up. It was a boy…with light hair and light eyes. He smiled slyly at me before sitting in front of his tray of food that was across from me.

“Hey, I’m Shawn.” Perhaps rewrite: "Hey, you're new, right? I'm Shawn."
I looked back down. I didn’t want him to talk to me. I was still too confused. His grinned widened.
“You’re not shy are ya?”
I couldn’t fight back a grin. Maybe make this a small smile, since she's shy. It's very endearing.
“No.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Then you don’t have a name…?”
He raised one of his light brown eyebrows.
“It’s Gwen.”
He nodded slowly.
“That’s…unique. Bet there isn’t another Gwen in any of your classes.”
I looked up and met his golden hazel eyes.
“No.”

He battered me with pointless questions until I was practically on the ground laughing. We had the same tastes in everything. Favorite food, bands, writers…You name it. It was almost like we were twins. Had I loved him then too? [s]Was I blind…[/s]Was I giving those vibes off? Vibes?

More flashbacks came. Each one pushing the next in hast to be remembered first. There were so many nights we’d spent watching movies together. Not like couples would with snuggling and mushy romance. We’d watch horror movies and laugh at the lead female characters that always seemed to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Of course we would if we didn’t kill each other first fighting over the remote control. The first night I’d spent at his house I ended up pinning him to the floor just so I could decide how loud the volume was going to be. Loved this part.

I never slept over or anything like that but could stay until the later hours of the night because our houses were on the same block and neither of our parents minded. Eventually I began to know more of his friends and sometimes they’d come over.

This is really good so far. I really enjoy it.

It felt like hours were passing, I didn’t feel like eating. I felt like digging a hole and dying in it.
I laid my face against my knees. This was pathetic. I had to give it up! He was NEVER going to feel the same! I had to get over I it. It was just a silly high school crush, right? We weren’t meant to be and we weren’t going to be together forever. Forever ended today.

I stood up slowly and reached for my school bag. I felt someone’s eyes piercing my back. I turned to see Shawn. His expression was the same, hurt, rejecting one that it had been the last time we’d seen each other.

I looked away.
“Gwen?”
His voice was hollow and distant. I stayed silent and began to walk away. He caught my arm and turned me towards him.
“Shawn?”
I returned his tone. What was the worst he could say? I was in so much pain now[s], that[/s] . Nothing could push me down any further.

“Did you mean it?”
I looked [s]don[/s] , afraid to meet his glance. I expected him to yell at me, to call me names…To tell me we couldn’t be friends anymore, but instead he titled my chin upwards to where our eyes locked. Just like they had the day we met. His light hazel to my icy blue.

He hesitated nervously before touching his lips to mine. I didn’t know how to react. At first all I could do was stand limp. But when his arms warmed around me in a warm, protective embrace I returned his kiss and clung to him.

All of my worries seemed to vanish. Was this how love felt? I felt snow flakes tangle into my hair before melting. It was snowing…

We were kissing and it was snowing…
“I thought you’d never say it[s].” H[/s] ," he whispered against my lips.
When our sweet kiss broke I rested my head against his chest, basking in his warmth.
I'm not saying I’m perfect. In fact, I’m far from it; I'm just saying I’m worth it. I’m worth his love…I’m worth holding and I realize this more with each second that passes. He is never going to leave me…Because he loves me too.

I love this. Nothing was really wrong with it except a few typos. It's very well written and more than that: it's realistic. Power and realistic. Great work. keep going!

~Sunny

200397,
Thank you so very much. ^^
It seems the heronie bit was a bad choice. I'll remove it. To be honest I'm not a very big Twilight fan and I wasn't thinking about it at the time so....Yeah my mistake. ^^
Thank you very much for pointing out my typos. I try to catch as many as possible but sometimes that's just impossible.
Thanks for the help and your time. ^^

Sorry, double-posted.

Hey!
I don't think anybody's going to be tearing this apart, love. Great, great story. You've really drawn the reader into complete sympathy with the main character. Beautiful little piece.

I don't have any bigger critiques (this is good, and rare... believe me), just a few nitpicks. One of the problems is ellipses. You used a LOT of ellipses. Dot dot dot, all over the place. Try cutting a few of those out. Also, you're supposed to put a space after them, before going on to the rest of the sentence.

I shouldn’t of been feeling like this in the first place.

Pet peeve of mine: never say "shouldn't OF." It's "shouldn't HAVE." The first one is colloquial. People say it, but never put it in your narrative.

Wasn’t it enough that he even excepted me?

excepted = accepted

You used the wrong word!

Now everythime he enters the room my heart stops dead in its tracks and the world crashes down on me.

everthime = every time

This is a good sentence, by the way. Nicely put together.

It was like he was my heroine, soothing the aching I had within. I needed him like I needed a bullet in my head.

This... is a little weird. At first by "heroine" I thought you meant a female hero. When I realized (I think) you meant the drug, it made a little more sense. The second sentence, though? Who the heck needs a bullet in their head? You're pretty much saying she doesn't need him at all. If that makes any sense. Anyway, I thought it was a little weird. Threw me for a loop.

I couldn’t hold back my feelings any longer…I ruined everything. I remember the expression on his face, the haunting rejection in his eyes. He didn’t feel the same…Even though not a single word escaped his lips…I knew how it had to be. I only wish the bell wouldn’t have rang at that second. I needed him to say it. No matter how much it would hurt…I needed to know he didn’t want me.

Check out all the ellipses here. Four in one short paragraph. Also, the sentence in bold is a little weird for me. Try re-working it a little, maybe: "I only wish the bell hadn't rung at that moment." or something. Right now it's wordy.

Could we ever stay up for hours on the hone talking about stupid stuff aimlessly without care?

hone = phone
Another wordy sentence. Cut it down to, maybe: "Could we ever stay up for hours talking on the phone about stupid stuff?"

had friends to complain to when the teachers assigned to much homework.

to = too

Was I blind…

Is this a question? If so, it needs a question mark. Also, it was a little random in context. I wasn't sure how it fit with the rest of your soul-searching questions in that pepper the paragraph.

Each one pushing the next in hast to be remembered first.

hast to = has to

This sentence really confused me when I first read it. It's weirdly put together. Not sure how you could fix it, though... I'm not even sure what you're trying to say.

Of course we would if we didn’t kill each other first fighting over the remote control. The first night I’d spent at his house I ended up pinning him to the floor just so I could decide how loud the volume was going to be.

Made me smile. Nice. Sounds fun... makes me wish I had a friend like that.

I knew more than half of the girls he hanged out with hated me just because of that.

hanged = hung

I drug myself to a table near the farthest corner of the court yard.

drug = dragged

He was NEVER going to feel the same! I had to get over I it.

Don't do all capitals in fiction. Try italicizing instead, it's more mature and professional. In the second sentence you have an extra "I" inserted.

I looked don afraid to meet his glance. I expected him to yell at me, to call me names

don = down

Second sentence - if they'd been such good friends for so long, it seems like she would expect maybe rejection, maybe incredulity, but not yelling and name-calling. That's the kind of thing a particularly nasty stranger would do if you asked them out, but not someone who had been her best friend.

He hesitated nervously before touching his lips to mine.

Cut "nervously." How would she know he was nervous, anyway? Just say that he hesitated, and that implies he was having insecurities without you having to put it into so many words.

I felt snow flakes tangle into my hair before melting

No offense, but one doesn't feel snowflakes tangling with your hair. They're too delicate to "tangle".

We were kissing and it was snowing…

Sweet "awwww" moment there. Really moving picture, nicely done.

Overall, as I said, it's a lovely piece. Good job, and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Cheers,
MademoiselleKool

P.S. Dare I ask if this was inspired by any true events? It had that feel to it, with the realistic characters and dialogue and everything. Don't answer if it's too personal.

Hiya sokool15 ^^
Thank you. It means a lot to me that you'd take the time to help me fix the small things. ^^ Yes I know the dots are killing everyone! I'll go through and get rid of the extras.
Would it sound weird if I mentioned that it really bothers me when I read 'should of' instead of 'should have' too? It feels weird because i make that mistake a lot!
I'll go through and fix the things you pointed out and try to shorteren some of the sentences.
As for this being inspired by any personal experinces, not really. I used the keys to my friendship with a very special boy but we're not seeing each other.

Hey! First review! Whoo! Haha, hope I can help.

First, nitpicks:

I laid my head against the cold desk’s top.

I would think that should say "desktop" or "desk top" but I'm not sure if it's one word or not.

I shouldn’t of been feeling like this in the first place.

That should be "shouldn't have" rather than "shouldn't of".

Now everythime he enters the room my heart stops dead in its tracks and the world crashes down on me.

Just a typo there.

It was like he was my heroine, soothing the aching I had within. I needed him like I needed a bullet in my head.

I don't think that last sentece was used correctly. She wants him, but she wouldn't want a bullet in the head...

Could we ever stay up for hours on the hone talking about stupid stuff aimlessly without care? Did I take away the moments of bliss we would of shared tomorrow, or a week from now?

Three things, one, the first bolded word is a typo; after "aimlessly" you don't need to add "without care" because aimlessly implies that. Do what you want with that, though. And in the last sentence the bolded "of" should be "have".

The only one that knew everything…The only one I could trust was going to back away because I fell in love with him.

I like this line. It has a nice flow to it.

It was in the middle of the semester and everyone had already grown accustomed to their surroundings and had friends to complain to when the teachers assigned to much homework.

The bolded "to" should be "too". Also, I liked that sentence, too, it's very honest.

If I apologized for what I said…or tell him that it was mistake…would he still want to be around me?

"Tell" should be "told".

When I whispered ‘I love you’ did he think I meant it in a brotherly way? Could I fake it?

I like that train of thought. It feels natural.

I drug myself to a table near the farthest corner of the court yard.

I don't really understand that sentece... Is that a typo, or do I just not know that verb?

I sighed and a cloud of ghostly air poured out from my mouth. Was it going to snow?

Good description.

I had to get over I it.

Typo?

We weren’t meant to be and we weren’t going to be together forever. Forever ended today.

I really like that line. (:

I was in so much pain now, that nothing could push me down any further.

I don't think you need the comma after "now".

I looked don afraid to meet his glance.

I think you meant down.

But when his arms warmed around me in a warm, protective embrace I returned his kiss and clung to him.

I think "wrapped" would sound better than "warmed" since you say "warm" again after that.

“I thought you’d never say it.”

He whispered against my lips.

I think this would look better if you make it one line and write "'I thought you'd never say it,' he whispered against my lips."


Ok, overall I really liked this. It was really sweet and I really liked Gwen's thought processes. And the ending was really great, how she was suddenly confident with him right next to her. Good job!

Aww, my review isn't the first anymorw... it was when I first started writing it... Oh well. everyone else was faster.

Thank you very much KailaMarie.
It doesn't matter whether you were the first post or not. It means the same to me. ^^ Everyone here is so helpful! ^^ I'm glad you liked and thanks for pointing out the typos I'll be sure to fix them. Your time and effort mean the world. ^^

I love this! It's so sweet.
Even though I'm assuming this is an unedited draft, you should still use punctuation and stuff. It just makes it easier to read the story, and more enjoyable. I had to skip over some sentences because it was sort of jumbled together. Please don't take this personally! I really love this story.

It was well written, albeit not very original.
But still, the execution was good.
I was going to point out the mistakes, but it seems that everyone has done just that.
So I shall not be rude and point them out once again.

Well, Gwen was certainly jumping to conclusions, wasn't she?
But then again, I can't blame her, judging from Shawn's expression.
Silly boy. How untactful of him.

But you managed to draw a lot of sympathy from me.
Don't let comments about its clichedness discourage you.
If your execution is good, the readers will still enjoy it.

XxBrokenVainxX wrote:*
I was nearly lying in my food when I heard a light clank of metal hitting metal. I sighed and looked up. It was a boy…with light hair and light eyes. He smiled slyly at me before sitting in front of his tray of food that was across from me.
“Hey I’m Shawn.”
I looked back down. I didn’t want him to talk to me. I was still too confused. His grinned widened.
“You’re not shy are ya?”
I couldn’t fight back a grin.
“No.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Then you don’t have a name…?”
He raised one of his light brown eyebrows.
“It’s Gwen.”
He nodded slowly.
“That’s…unique. Bet there isn’t another Gwen in any of your classes.”
I looked up and met his golden hazel eyes.
“No.”

I think you should make it a little clearer that it's Shawn. I was a little confused
But otherwise (since everyone else covered basically everything else) I think it's really good story!

I agree, this is a good base that could be built upon. More about Shawn would be nice considering he seems to be a main character. And maybe the end alil unrealistic, but hey its a romance otherwise very good