And the Show Must Go On

Note: I haven't written poetry in a long long time it seems but I just felt inspired today so rip it apart and I appreciate all reviews and comments. And if you have any ideas for a better title, please tell.

And the Show Must Go On
By Angel of Death

Sometimes I wonder
what lies beyond those tripping eyes.
As I sit here, holding your hands
I feel you slipping away
Faster and faster into a
deep, dark abyss
Your mind is deteriorating
like the lungs of a smoker
You stare at me as if
I'm some void,
a shadow of nothingness
Your lips are frail and don't dance
like they used to.
I hold your hands,
hoping you'll give me a gentle squeeze
A sign to show me that you're still here
But there is nothing.

Sometimes I wonder
where you'll go when you die.
No one ever tells you.
It's like you're buying a ticket to see a show you know nothing about
You're sitting in your seat, waiting for the curtains to make it's ascent
Everything is dark and all is silent
All the while you're sitting there hoping the show will be worth
your money.
You're holding on the best way you can
But you can't take the anticipation
Then the curtains slowly start to rise only to reveal a bright light
You stare at the screen, letting the white shadow take over you
It's like that for a while and then everything gets dark again.

As I sit here, holding your hands,
I feel you slipping away.
The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly
And I scream for help but it's too late.

The show has already begun.

Sometimes I wonder
what lies beyond those tripping eyes.
As I sit here, holding your hands
I feel you slipping away
Faster and faster into a
deep, dark abyss
The idea of somone slipping into a dark abyss is a bit hackneyed. I might use another phrase.
Your mind is deteriorating
like the lungs of a smoker
I like this simile
You stare at me as if
I'm some void,
a shadow of nothingness
Your lips are frail and don't dance
like they used to.
I hold your hands,
hoping you'll give me a gentle squeeze
A sign to show me that you're still here
But there is nothing.

Sometimes I wonder
where you'll go when you die.
No one ever tells you.
It's like you're buying a ticket to see a show you know nothing about
You're sitting in your seat, waiting for the curtains to make it's ascent
Waiting for the curtain to make it's ascent. Subject verb agreement problem. Maybe just a typo
Everything is dark and all is silent
All the while you're sitting there hoping the show will be worth
your money.
You're holding on the best way you can
But you can't take the anticipation
Then the curtains slowly start to rise only to reveal a bright light
You stare at the screen, letting the white shadow take over you
It's like that for a while and then everything gets dark again.

As I sit here, holding your hands,
I feel you slipping away.
The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly
And I scream for help but it's too late.

The show has already begun.

Overall, nice idea. You may want to work on the bit going into the simile about the show. The transition was a bit rough and sudden. I might add more words earlier in the poem that suggest a theatre to make the change more natural.

Hey there! Happy new year!
Ok, so on to the review!
The points I wanted to stand out, are already stood out...
I don't have much too say. This is a good idea. The wonder about where someone will go when he/she dies, is a very human question, and a good theme for a poem, even if it's a bit common.
The second stanza stands out, because the lines are longer.
That's risk, too do in poetry. Some people might say it ruined the flow or the rhythm. I think you made it work out pretty good.
So, unfortunately, that's all i have to say. Keep writing

Wow, I absolutely loved this poem. And for not writing poetry in a long time, great job!
There's not much to nitpick here. I think this poem was already perfect!
But, since I'm giving a review, I might as well find something! =]

You stare at me as if
I'm some void,

I think it should be a void. Some just doesn't really work.

I hold your hands,
hoping you'll give them a gentle squeeze

The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly
And I scream for help but it's too late.

The show has already begun.

Ah! This is heart wrenching! I feel the pain and my own heart was beating for the suspense. Really good line!

Sometimes I wonder
where you'll go when you die.
No one ever tells you.

Great lines! But the last one, either it should be me or both you and me. Or even us.

Make sure you put periods after your sentences. There were not many in this poem and the sentences looked like run-ons. It helps the poem flow better.

I love the imagery. Going to a show and being unsure if you'll like it. That definitely symbolizes death. I think we're all unsure about death.

Hope this helped!

Becca

P:S: Happy New Year! =]

Note: I haven't written poetry in a long long time it seems but I just felt inspired today so rip it apart and I appreciate all reviews and comments. And if you have any ideas for a better title, please tell.

It really doesn't seem like that xD I loved this poem

And the Show Must Go On

By Angel of Death

I think the title is fine.

Sometimes I wonder

what lies beyond those tripping eyes.

As I sit here, holding your hands

I feel you slipping away

Faster and faster into a

deep, dark abyss

I love the imagery here and the description. I really like this xD

Your mind is deteriorating

like the lungs of a smoker

You stare at me as if

I'm some void,

I think you should replace some with a.

a shadow of nothingness

Your lips are frail and don't dance

like they used to.

I really like this

I hold your hands,

hoping you'll give me a gentle squeeze

A sign to show me that you're still here

But there is nothing.

Do you think there's would work better than there is? I don't know, probably not

Sometimes I wonder

where you'll go when you die.

No one ever tells you.

It's like you're buying a ticket to see a show you know nothing about

You're sitting in your seat, waiting for the curtains to make it's ascent

Everything is dark and all is silent

All the while you're sitting there hoping the show will be worth

your money.

You're holding on the best way you can

But you can't take the anticipation

Then the curtains slowly start to rise only to reveal a bright light

You stare at the screen, letting the white shadow take over you

It's like that for a while and then everything gets dark again.



As I sit here, holding your hands,

I feel you slipping away.

The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly

And I scream for help but it's too late.



The show has already begun.

I really enjoyed this poem. It probably does have its problems but I'll leave them for other people to comment on seeing as I tend to stick to the bigger picture. Overall I really liked it. You rock at poetry Well done
xo

Great work there.Death is something I write about in some of my poems so i could really identify with this one.

I liked the comparison of death to the unknown show you must attend.

The narrator's question in the first two lines is one which anyone identifies with if he/she sees someone close pass away beside them.

Extremely well written second stanza.

The last line was really powerful.

Great use of imagery.

Perfect piece from the beginning to the end.

Keep such work coming.

Hello,

The poem is good. The content is fabulous. But punctuation is lacking. There are many parts, within your poem which lack good punctuation. Whether you mean for your poem to run through, or actually have pauses I do not know, but what I do know is, that after reading your poem several times over, so I can crytically comment on it,(in a good way), notice that it would run more smoothly with more pauses. Prohapse coming from commars.

For example
when you say:

Your mind is deteriorating
like the lungs of a smoker
You stare at me as if
I'm some void,

after the word, smoker prehapse a pause?


this is just a suggestion
good luck,

Hey!

I liked this. Both the content and the idea behind in was fabulous. You need a little punctuation to help the poem flow a little bit more, but otherwise, that's it.

I loved your whole first stanza. It created a great imagery.

The second stanza was a little odd, maybe because of the longer lines. I wouldn't change anything, though; it's good enough as it is.

I'm some void

Sorry for repeating this, but definitely exchange "some" with "a". It would sound a lot better.

I loved your title; don't change it.

Overall, great job! I loved your poem.

Keep up the good work!

zOe