NVM 9

void.

Hey! Okay, so for my crits I usually copy out the whole piece and give my little comments in bold.


I’m going to scream as loud as I can...But you won’t hear me will you?
nice hook,



How can I stay silent when it’s eating me whole?



How can you stand there watching as I fall...
this line sounds a bit awkward, so I'd change it to something like "How can you stand there and watch as a I fall?" I just feel it flows a lot nicer.



As the pain devours my thoughts, as my sanity tangles into knots...
I have a bit of mixed emotions over the rhyme here. It fits, but in such serious circumstances.. does a rhyme really work? I don't know - I guess it depends on your opinion as a person. I actually sort of like it. It plays with the mind.



How can you smile...



When I cry what's the deal with these lines? why can’t you see



Why can’t you accept that I’m messed up



I’m not strong, I’m weak



Limp at the knees



Echoes through my thoughts



Crippled from each of your shots



Every little thing you don’t do



Weighs on my shoulders



The mass of the world you’ve given me



Why can’t you see?



Why can’t you accept me as the only one I can be... I wouldn't put the elipses "..." but I like this line a lot.



The darkness is suffocating



The loneliness is my only embrace



Among the silent walls that fill my space



Within the depths of paranoia



They seek me out



They call to me



This is how you should be...



Over and over



It’s never me



I’m perfect see?



See the mask and it’s integrate shield



See my past and it’s nasty scars



that fester and complain



See how sane I am



Talking to myself about how you never help



Holding myself in place of you



I’m my own comfort when I’m blue



Only I can make it stop



Only in time to keep my heart from



a suicidal pop



I’m standing in front of a mirror



Thinking of you my dear



Comparing us again



Skin to skin



Hair to hair



Should I care how much better you are



Should I worry that I’m not a size four



Does it bother you



Like it bothers me



That I can’t sing



That I can’t dance



Does it matter if I continue to grow fatter



Another cut to the wrist



Another silent wish



I go through each day with a hope



That one day I’ll stop disappointing you



That one day he’ll come back



I’m the reason he left, aren’t I?



Nagging and bickering



Pushing him away



I’m the reason he isn’t there for you



And everyday it adds to list i think you meant, it adds to the list ?



Pros to ending it now



The cons to why I can’t tell



And each day the blade grows closer to it’s slip



loosening my grip



On reality



The farther apart we grow



The less and less that you know



The guilt threatens to smoother me I think you meant smother



The greed feeds me the fear I desire



Like the point of a wire digging deeper into my flesh



Like the shatter picture frame surrounded by glass



The once happy family split in two



These are the horrible thing I do You probably meant things



Another piece from the pile



The numbness that fills the spaces you left



The act of taking more, no longer a pity theft



I’m taking to much



I want you to myself



Even if you never spoke a word to me



This is the monster I’ve become



The devil at my shoulder whispering secrets I have to keep



Another glance in the mirror



The image breaks



This is what I’ve become



Something hungry for love



Willing to kill to be seen



[b]Overall: I would work on the part where I have most of my comments, (towards the beginning) but overall, it's not a bad poem. Nice description and colouring. I'd give it about a 7, maybe 7.5. Contact me if you have anymore questions or need me to do another crit!
~ Tammy

Woah, really long poem! Let's see what we can do with this, shall we?

XxBrokenVainxX wrote:Pulling Apart My Sanity

~

I’m going to scream as loud as I can...But you won’t hear me will you?

How can I stay silent when it’s eating me whole?

How can you stand there, watching as I fall;

As the pain devours my thoughts, as my sanity tangles into knots?

How can you smile...

When I cry; why can’t you see, You can exchange the semicolon with another question mark; you just need something to seperate those two thoughts.

Why can’t you accept that I’m messed up?

I’m not strong, I’m weak,

Limp at the knees .

Echoes through my thoughts Reword this line. Perhaps "My thoughts are echoing"?

Crippled from each of your shots .

Every little thing you don’t do

Weighs on my shoulders .

The mass of the world you’ve given me ;

Why can’t you see?

Why can’t you accept me as the only one I can be? Change 'one' to 'person'.

The darkness is suffocating ,

The loneliness is my only embrace

Among the silent walls that fill my space .

Within the depths of paranoia I think you should add 'this' before paranoia.

They seek me out,

They call to me .

This is how you should be...

Over and over

It’s never me

I’m perfect see?

See the mask and it’s integrate shield ?

See my past and it’s nasty scars

that fester and complain ?

See how sane I am?

Talking to myself about how you never help,

Holding myself in place of you,

I’m my own comfort when I’m blue.

Only I can make it stop.

Only in time to keep my heart from

a suicidal pop. Awkward word choice. Play around with it.

I’m standing in front of a mirror

Thinking of you, my dear.

Comparing us again,

Skin to skin,

Hair to hair .

Should I care how much better you are?

Should I worry that I’m not a size four ?

Does it bother you,

Like it bothers me,

That I can’t sing,

That I can’t dance ?

Does it matter if I continue to grow fatter?

Another cut to the wrist;

Another silent wish ...

I go through each day with a hope

That one day I’ll stop disappointing you,

That one day he’ll come back. You go from saying 'you' to 'he'. So I'm left wodering if it's still the same person or two different people. Be consistent and make it clear!

I’m the reason he left, aren’t I?

Nagging and bickering,

Pushing him away...

I’m the reason he isn’t there for you.

And everyday it adds to the list

Pros to ending it now;

The cons to why I can’t tell.

And each day the blade grows closer to it’s slip.

I'm loosening my grip

On reality.

The farther apart we grow

The less and less that you know.

The guilt threatens to smoother me ,

The greed feeds me the fear I desire

Like the point of a wire digging deeper into my flesh ,

Like the shattered picture frame surrounded by glass ;

The once happy family split in two...

These are the horrible thing I do .

Another piece from the pile,

The numbness that fills the spaces you left,

The act of taking more, no longer a pity theft . I'm wondering if 'pity' should be 'petty'?

I’m taking to much,

I want you to myself

Even if you never spoke a word to me .

This is the monster I’ve become;

The devil at my shoulder whispering secrets I have to keep.

Another glance in the mirror

And the image breaks .

This is what I’ve become:

Something hungry for love

Willing to kill to be seen I'm iffy about this last sentence. Maybe reword?

Overall, I like the message, but I'm not sure I like the way you deliver it. I got kind of hung up on the grammar that I couldn't really enjoy the poem, so I had to read it over again. I think it's a bit self-pitying, and it has that oh-dear-however-will-I-go-on? quality that is characteristic of first-time young poets. This has definite potential, and I just think you should work at it. Practice makes perfect. I think you were digging your own grave with the length; all tell and no show, and you dragged out what could be said in a lot less words. I've been writing poetry since I was nine, and my poems used to be a lot like this, so don't despair. With practice, you'll make a good poet.
If you ever need another critique, don't hesitate to PM me and ask.