The End

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This one is quite a bit longer than the others, because it is the last part of the Séance Series! I'm glad I finally finished it. I hope you like the ending.

-

end [end] –noun
-termination of existence; death

I watched the blood trickle slowly down my arm. Remaining motionless for a few seconds more, while the rest of us were moving out of Sam’s bedroom and into the kitchen, I examined my nasty cut. One of the shards from the shattered door had sliced open my arm. It wasn’t anything too deep—and I knew what deep was; my mother was a doctor—but it stung like daggers digging into my flesh.

“Brianne!” Jen cried from the doorway. I looked up, moving my blonde hair from my eyes. I shuddered and stood up. My knees wobbled as I hurried to the bedroom door. I tried to step over the blood-soaked carpet, but I couldn’t. My shoes squished through the blood, and a drop or two spattered onto my legs.

Blood. Everywhere. It wasn’t just in the bedroom, either, I noticed as I stepped out into the hallway. It was on the walls. The ceiling. The paintings that furnished the walls. I grimaced as I walked through into the kitchen, where everyone else was huddled.

“Where’re the matches, Sam?” Richard asked, his voice tense with worry.

“My—my mom keeps them h-h-hidden in the cupboard. My little brother g-gets into th-them and—” Sam stuttered. Jen was standing next to him, and she put her arm around his torso.

“It’s going to be alright. We’ll burn the board and get everything over with. Sam, look at me. Look at me! It’s going to be alright.”

“N-no it w-w-won’t!” Sam spoke, raising his voice. “D-did you hear that man? He’ll c-c-come back! I know it. He’s p-probably watching u-us right now.” We all turned out heads to the only window in the kitchen. It was black outside. Dark, stormy clouds blocked all moonlight.

“Once we burn this board,” I asked quietly, “everything will go away? That man—that creature—won’t come back?”

“That’s what we think,” Jen replied, her soft eyes moistening up. “Where’s Steven?”

I hadn’t seen him since I’d left the room. Turning around, I walked back into the bedroom, knees still pounding together.

Thunder roared outside.

The bloody halls and carpet made my stomach churn. I stopped walking. My eyes widened. Was that Steven’s voice I heard coming from the bedroom?

I stopped just before the doorway. I could hear Steven muttered some words quietly to himself. Edging myself forward, I glanced into the room and saw him on his knees, his hands clasped together.

“God, please forgive me. Don’t let him kill me. Please. Please, oh Lord, please. I’m sorry for
everything I’ve done. Just don’t let him find me.”

Thunder crackled.

“Oh Lord please save me even if the others get killed save me save me save me don’t let him find me you can protect me oh Lord don’t let him kill me!”

“Steven,” I whispered as I stepped into the room. Blood squished again under my feet. Steven yelped in surprise, and something behind him caught my eye. Beyond the blood-drenched window was a face. Terror struck me, and I froze in my place.

It was the spirit that had just appeared to us a few minutes earlier. His evil eyes glared into mine, and I shrieked. Steven spun around, and his breath was caught in his throat. The figure approached the window, and then lightning filled the sky.

I took a step back—squish, squish—and looked for something (anything) to use to defend myself. I took my eyes off of the window for a moment to look for a weapon.

“Roger?” Steven cried. I glanced back up at the window, and my heart stopped. Roger was standing just outside of the window. His face was deathly pale, and his hair was torn and shredded. Dried blood was etched across his face. He wasn’t wearing his glasses.

Roger began pounding on the window, making the glass tremble and shake as thunder crackled. Steven rose from his knees and opened the window hastily.

He’s coming!” Roger roared and pointed behind him. “Let me in! Let me in, now! Hurry!”

“Brianne!” Steven cried from across the room. “Help me!” I ran to the window, blood still dripping from the ceiling, and grabbed one of Roger’s outstretched arms.

“Pull!” Steven yelled, and we both pulled. Roger was built light, so it was easy to pull him through the window.

“Shut the window!” Roger cried. “Now! Before he gets in!”

Steven slammed the window shut. The glass, on impact, shattered, sending sharp fragments of glass everywhere. Luckily, I was able to avoid them, but Steven and Roger weren’t so lucky. They both screamed as the glass pierced their skin. Horrified, I did my best to pull them out of their flesh. I’d long ago lost all sense of emotion. Normally, this task would’ve killed me to do. But not tonight.

After as many glass shards had been picked out of their flesh as I could pull out, we ran out of Sam’s bedroom and into the kitchen, where Richard was holding a lit match up to the board.

“No!” Roger cried, flinging himself at Richard. “Don’t burn the board! Don’t burn it!”

“Roger?” Jen asked, her eyes wide.

“Roger, where’d you come from? We thought you were d-d-dead!” Sam questioned.

“I know. Just listen to me. Richard, do not burn the board! These spirits took me. I know what they’re trying to do!” Roger exclaimed, taking the box of matches from Richard’s hands.

“What’re you talking about? Lillian told us—”

“That wasn’t Lillian. That was the spirit that’s been hunting all of us.”

That word sent chills running up and down my spine. Hunting.

“Lillian didn’t hang herself. The dark angel did. It uses our minds against us. It can control us. That’s what it’s been doing. All of the séances that we’ve been performing? They weren’t just fun and games. This thing has been using our minds to destroy us.”

“What’re you talking about, Roger?” I asked.

“Listen. I know what’s going on. You have to trust me!”

“Trust you?” Steven asked boldly. “Now why should we trust you? How do we know you aren’t this dark angel itself?”

“You just have to trust me. Please. I know what I’m doing!” Roger exclaimed, taking the board in his arms, with some resistance from Richard.

“This dark angel has been trying to release demons and spirits into the world. It found us that night we first preformed the séance. And from then on it’s been using us. Those cuts and scars we got the night after the séance? That’s its way of marking us, so it can continue using us. None of us in our right minds would continue doing séances after that night, right? It possessed us the entire time. Lillian was the only one of us that could resist it. That was why it killed her. After she was dead, Lillian came to me and told me what was going on. She wanted to warn us, guys. You have to believe me! This angel is going to kill us.”

I shook again, and peered behind me into the dark hallway. There could be anything lurking in the darkness.

“Then why,” Jen asked, “can’t we burn the board? Lillian told us that we would get rid of this angel if we burned it.”

“Yes. We would get rid of it. But then this angel will go onto another Ouija board and hunt the users of that one. Once they figure out the secret, he will keep moving on. Yes, we can get it out of our lives, but we can’t get rid of it forever.”

There was a silence in the room. It was almost as if we could all hear each other’s heartbeats. Mine was thumping rapidly. I could feel something on the back of my neck, breathing hot air. I wanted it to go away, but it’d been there since I’d entered the kitchen.

“Then what are you saying we should do?” Steven asked. “Kill the angel?”

“How?” I asked. “It’s already dead.”

“M-m-my dad has a gun in his underwear drawer. You think that it could kill him?” Sam said, breathing heavily, trying to calm his nerves.

We all looked at each other.

“I don’t see why we couldn’t try it. I mean, we don’t have very many weapons to fight this thing with.”

“Knives,” Steven replied, and opened up one of the drawers. There were gleaming knives in it, and he took one out. It was a butcher knife. Silently, a drop of blood from the ceiling fell and splattered on the tip of the knife. Steven’s eyes widened for a second, and we all looked up.

The ceiling, which had originally been white, was now black, with red lines that almost looked like veins running about. Blood dripped down from the veins, and I shuddered again.

“I’ll go get the g-gun,” Sam stuttered, and ran into the bloody hallway. I could hear his feet squishing and sliding. I heard him open a door and saw a light flicker on from his parents’ bedroom. There was a fumbling sound, the light turned off, and Sam ran back into the kitchen, the gun in his hands.

“I d-don’t know how to use it,” he muttered, holding it out for everyone to see. It was a small, black pistol. I didn’t know any kind of gun very well, so I was completely dubious as to what it really was.

“I do,” Richard spoke. “My dad taught me how to use one. Here, let me see it.” Sam handed Richard the loaded gun.

“There’s a lock switch on here somewhere—ah! Found it.” Richard turned the lock off and held it in his hands.

“What now?” Jen asked, shivering.

“I think we need to use this,” Roger muttered, holding the Ouija board up, “to call the angel back to us. Then we might be able to kill him. We have matches too. Maybe we can burn him?”

“I really doubt if any of this is going to work,” I whispered. No one heard me.

“Wait, hold the ph-phone!” Sam cried, looking at Roger. “I thought you said whenever we use the board, we’re being possessed!”

“We are. But now we’re using the board to get rid of it. This is the last time we’ll ever use this board. I swear,” Roger concluded. “Okay, now, before any of us get anymore spooked, let’s get to work. We all need to participate in this last séance. And then when the angel comes—”

“If it comes,” Richard interrupted.

When it comes,” Roger said, “Richard will fire a couple bullets at it. We’ll see if it does anything. Steven, you need to throw as many knives as you can at it. I’d aim for the heart, if it has one. And Jen, I want you to go into the garage and get some gasoline. You will be our last defense. Pour some gas into the hall and on the floor. Once Richard and Steven have both attempted to kill it, you have to light a match and throw it into the oil. Maybe that’s the only way we can kill it. And if that doesn’t work…” his voice trailed off.

“Let’s just hope that it will work,” I muttered.

Roger nodded. “Right. Now, let’s start this séance.”

*

“We know you’re in here,” Roger muttered, closing his eyes and placing his finger on the planchette. He and Jen both had their fingers on the little marker. Everyone else sat around the board, holding hands.

“If you want us,” Roger whispered, his voice quavering, “then show yourself.”

The room was getting chilly. The occasional blood drop fell from the ceiling and landed in my hair. I grimaced every time it happened.

Thunder.

“One Mississippi—” Jen whispered under her breath, but was interrupted by lightning. I opened my left eye and looked at Jen. Her face was pale, because she realized that some unseen angel was controlling this storm.

“Come on, you moron!” Roger suddenly yelled. Jen squeaked.

“Roger, don’t provoke it!” Jen whispered.

I was holding hands with Steven and Richard; I couldn’t quite tell who was shaking the most.

Floorboards creaked behind me. The hairs on my neck erected as I opened my eyes.

“Show yourself!” Roger screamed.

Before anyone could utter another word, there came a horrible snap across my back, which stung like I had never felt before. I screamed and ripped my hands away from Steven and Richard. Apparently, they had felt the same thing. The fiery burn pained my body, and I felt the tears swell up.

“There it is!”

The words chilled my bones, and I painfully cocked my head so I could see behind me.

The hooded figure stood behind me, about five feet away. I turned myself around, my eyes wide with fear. Everyone else remained motionless. The shock of seeing its evil eye made the pain on my back feel tiny. Its pale face was like a tiny canvas that was stretched across a large skull. Its eyes were deep and sunken. Its tongue slithered out between its few rotten teeth.

“R-Richard!” Sam stuttered. Richard took a moment to compose himself, and held out the gun. He pointed it at the angel and took a quick breath. He pulled the trigger.

There was a loud bang that I never forgot in years to come. The noise echoed off the walls and reverberated through our ears.

The angel didn’t flinch, even though there was a bullet hole through its right thigh. Richard shot again: this time, the bullet struck through his hip. Still, the angel didn’t move.

“Steven! Go!” Jen cried, lighting a match with trembling fingers.

The angel took a step forward. Its bare feet splashed in the oil that Jen had spilled over the wooden kitchen floor.

Steven chucked a knife through the air—it missed the angel completely. He grunted and threw another one. This time, it impaled the angel in the cheek. The knife stuck out at an odd end as the angel warily raised its arm and slid the knife out of its cheek. I gasped. The angel dropped the knife onto the floor, where it clattered.

“Jen!” Roger cried, and Jen threw the match into the gas on the floor. Instantly, everything was engulfed in flames. I screamed and stood up, trying to get away from the intense heat. The fire blocked all view of the angel. There were a few moments of intensity—

The angel stepped through the flames like they hadn’t existed. Its black robes weren’t scorched; its skin was clear and pale as ever.

I heard Steven swear at the top of his lungs, and then I did the only thing I could think of. I lunged down and grabbed the Ouija board. It felt slippery in my sweaty hands.

“Brianne, no!” Roger cried. He tried to pry it out of my hands, but I pushed him away.

“It’s either this or die!” I cried, and flung the Ouija board into the flames. I watched it as the planchette fell into the hungry fire. Black smoke filled the room.

The dark angel stood and watched the fire for a few moments. Then he turned and looked at all of us—six teenagers who knew we only had a few more minutes to live.

It raised its arms and held them in the air for a while. I was scared. I didn’t know what he was trying to tell us.

Suddenly, he lowered his arms, and the fire behind him spread in our direction, as if by some unseen force. I screamed once more, and watched the living room catch on fire. The sofas, the pictures, the TV. My friends.

I quickly caught sight of Steven once more. He tried to avoid the flames, but they swept him up in a large fireball. I couldn’t even scream for someone to help him before the flames had swallowed him up.

“Brianne! Come through the window!” Jen cried from the other side of the room. I swiveled around and ran for the only exit—when fire suddenly crawled up behind me. I screeched and glanced behind me. I could see Roger, lying face down in the flames. His back was scorched, and his flesh was burning. I couldn’t see Richard. He must’ve escaped out the window with Jen.

The fire caught onto my pant leg, and I tried to shake it off, but to no prevail. It swallowed my leg like a hungry predator. I screamed and cursed and cried, but nothing worked anymore. I tripped over something on the floor and fell on my face. The fire swept up through my clothes, and I couldn’t breathe. The pain. Oh, the pain was tremendous. No one could ever comprehend the amount of pain that I felt in that short time period. I could smell my hair burning. I could see Roger’s face melting off his skull. I could taste burning flesh in my mouth.

I saw the dark angel grinning right before the fire swallowed me whole.
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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You finished it! *runs and hugs you* This was an amazing ending, and now I'm so freaked out that I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Oh man, that was good.

This was well written. One thing caught my eye.

“One Mississippi—” Jen whispered under her breath, but was interrupted by lightning.

I don't understand that. How can you be interrupted by lightning? They had their eyes closed, right?

Good job Bear. I'm going to have nightmares tonight. :D
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Hey Jared!

I'm so glad this is finally posted! By the way, I like how you have dictionary definitions at the beginning of each part.

I watched the blood trickle slowly down my arm. Remaining motionless for a few seconds more, while the rest of us were moving out of Sam’s bedroom and into the kitchen, I examined my nasty cut. One of the shards from the shattered door had sliced open my arm. It wasn’t anything too deep—and I knew what deep was; my mother was a doctor—but it stung like daggers digging into my flesh.


This was a good starting paragraph. It really hooked me in, so good job on that.
"Brianne!” Jen cried from the doorway. I looked up, moving my blonde hair from my eyes. I shuddered and stood up. My knees wobbled as I hurried to the bedroom door. I tried to step over the blood-soaked carpet, but I couldn’t. My shoes squished through the blood, and a drop or two spattered onto my legs.


1. blonde is spelled blond
2. I didn't know he was sitting down
3. Hmm? Just a drop or two of blood? That's unbelievable, especially since there was a lot of blood.

Blood. Everywhere. It wasn’t just in the bedroom, either, I noticed as I stepped out into the hallway. It was on the walls. The ceiling. The paintings that furnished the walls. I grimaced as I walked through into the kitchen, where everyone else was huddled.


This seemed odd where it was placed. I think you could merge this with the previous chapter. The underlined part came too soon for me. I think that there can be a bit more before that. Why was she grimacing? Didn't she at least go see what was wrong with Jen?

“My—my mom keeps them h-h-hidden in the cupboard. My little brother g-gets into th-them and—” Sam stuttered. Jen was standing next to him, and she put her arm around his torso.


Jen seemed like she wasn't okay a moment ago, so it doesn't make sense that she would try to console someone in her state. Just a thought.

“Once we burn this board,” I asked quietly, “everything will go away? That man—that creature—won’t come back?”


This was too wordy for me. Try: "Once we burn this board, that man-that creature-won't come back?" I asked, quietly.


Woo! So I'm quite confused here. Is Brianne in the kitchen or is she in the bedroom? I think that throughout the beginning you lack transition and descriptive details to soften the flow. Everything is just moving too fast or maybe I'm reading something wrong, but I'd definitely read over the beginning.


Thunder roared outside.

The bloody halls and carpet made my stomach churn. I stopped walking. My eyes widened. Was that Steven’s voice I heard coming from the bedroom?


"Thunder roared outside..." is a great scene beginner. I liked it but after that there's a big chunk that I feel is missing. If you're going to tell us she heard Steven's voice, show us as well. The underlined bit can be nixed. We already know that. :wink:

I stopped just before the doorway. I could hear Steven muttered some words quietly to himself. Edging myself forward, I glanced into the room and saw him on his knees, his hands clasped together.


1. She stopped already, so that underlined bit is a tad redundant.
2. 'muttered' should be muttering

Thunder crackled.


This description is in the same caliber as 'Thunder roared outside.' I think you can get a little bit more creative here. "A bolt of lightning skidded across the sky, sheathing the room in an electric blanket. There was a loud boom that followed after..." It's not good but you get the point.

It was the spirit that had just appeared to us a few minutes earlier. His evil eyes glared into mine, and I shrieked. Steven spun around, and his breath was caught in his throat. The figure approached the window, and then lightning filled the sky.


Jare-bear? You're killing me. Please, please, try to terrify us just a little. I know you have it in ya. Describe what the spirit's eyes look like, make it more evil without actually saying evil. I mean, he's the Devil for pete-sakes.

“Roger?” Steven cried. I glanced back up at the window, and my heart stopped. Roger was standing just outside of the window. His face was deathly pale, and his hair was torn and shredded. Dried blood was etched across his face. He wasn’t wearing his glasses.


1. If I saw an evil spirit my heart would have long been stopped. Just a thought though.
2. The bit about him not wearing his glasses threw me off. It doesn't seem important, I'd nix it.

“Brianne!” Steven cried from across the room. “Help me!” I ran to the window, blood still dripping from the ceiling, and grabbed one of Roger’s outstretched arms.


We already know that there's blood everywhere, so I'd get rid of the underlined bit.


Steven slammed the window shut. The glass, on impact, shattered, sending sharp fragments of glass everywhere. Luckily, I was able to avoid them, but Steven and Roger weren’t so lucky. They both screamed as the glass pierced their skin. Horrified, I did my best to pull them out of their flesh. I’d long ago lost all sense of emotion. Normally, this task would’ve killed me to do. But not tonight.

After as many glass shards had been picked out of their flesh as I could pull out, we ran out of Sam’s bedroom and into the kitchen, where Richard was holding a lit match up to the board.


It kinda irked me that they were picking shards of glass out, instead of getting the hell out of there. I sorta laughed at that part, but maybe I'm just too nit-picky today. But an EVIL SPIRIT IS AFTER THEM!


There was a silence in the room. It was almost as if we could all hear each other’s heartbeats. Mine was thumping rapidly. I could feel something on the back of my neck, breathing hot air. I wanted it to go away, but it’d been there since I’d entered the kitchen.


One thing, how did this hot breath on her neck haunt her ever since she entered the kitchen? I think you need to establish signs of this earlier. (sorry I'm so nit-picky)

Roger nodded. “Right. Now, let’s start this séance.”


Okay, this sentence is okay but I feel it can be a little more stronger. More suspenseful err...I don't know the word I'm looking for.
Try: Roger nodded. "Hope is what we need if we're going to get out of here alive. Let's finish this. For good."

Something that will transition into the next part, I don't know.

Okay Bear, I need to eat, so I'll be right back. But I'm liking this so far. I know I ripped it to shreds but this critique was shocking to me. I've never did a critique this long so...wow. But I only did it because I love you this much and I believe this has a lot of potential. Ooh I can't wait to see how this ends!

Ta for now,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Yay! You're done!!

So amazing!! I'm so freaked out tonight.. Probably shouldn't have read this alone with the lights off!

This review is pretty much pointless but i just wanted to tell you it was amazingly awesome!

Such a great horror/thriller!!

~Dommy
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We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do,
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute?




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Okay, I'd rather read the rest of this then eat, cuz I have all the time in the world to eat, so here's the other half of my critique.

One thing, Roger doesn't seem like he's been injured or at the least bit traumatized. If I were him, I'd roll up in a ball and crawl into the deepest darkest corner and pray and cry and pray some more.

“One Mississippi—” Jen whispered under her breath, but was interrupted by lightning. I opened my left eye and looked at Jen. Her face was pale, because she realized that some unseen angel was controlling this storm.


Hmm? How would Brianne know why Jen's face was pale? I'd nix the underlined part and describe more on how she looked, instead.

The only other thing that irked me is the repetition of 'The angel' and 'angel'
The fire caught onto my pant leg, and I tried to shake it off, but to no prevail. It swallowed my leg like a hungry predator. I screamed and cursed and cried, but nothing worked anymore. I tripped over something on the floor and fell on my face. The fire swept up through my clothes, and I couldn’t breathe. The pain. Oh, the pain was tremendous. No one could ever comprehend the amount of pain that I felt in that short time period. I could smell my hair burning. I could see Roger’s face melting off his skull. I could taste burning flesh in my mouth.

I saw the dark angel grinning right before the fire swallowed me whole.


No! You can't possibly leave it here, I want more! More! More! More! I mean, what happened to them after that? Was there any way they could escape their fate? And where is Brianne telling the story from? Hell?

Oh Jared, please write another one. Even though I was amazingly nit-picky in this part, I really enjoyed this story. But even if you don't write another part no matter how hard I beg, I shall say bravo and congratulations on finishing this! It's been a lovely journey and when you start on your next endeavor feel free to (you better) PM me, because you're a brilliant writer and I do enjoy your stories.

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Well, congrats, Jared! Another one finished!

I hope it doesn't matter, but I'm quoting the whole thing, because it's easier for me to make notes that way. :)


end [end] –noun

-termination of existence; death


I watched the blood trickle slowly down my arm. Remaining motionless for a few seconds more, while the rest of us were moving out of Sam’s bedroom and into the kitchen, I examined my nasty cut. This sentence isn't very flowy; I think it's because of the first part of it. Do you necessarily need it? One of the shards from the shattered door had sliced open my arm. I suggest you switch the places of "open" and "my arm". It wasn’t anything too deep—and I knew what deep was; my mother was a doctor—but it stung like daggers digging into my flesh. I think adding "after all" after "my mother was a doctor" would balance this and make it sound better.


“Brianne!” Jen cried from the doorway. I looked up, moving my blonde hair from my eyes. Maybe "brushing my blonde hair"? I shuddered and stood up. My knees wobbled as I hurried to the bedroom door. I tried to step over the blood-soaked carpet, but I couldn’t. My shoes squished through the blood, and a drop or two spattered onto my legs. Ew. Haha.


Blood. Everywhere. It wasn’t just in the bedroom, either, I noticed as I stepped out into the hallway. Why the "either"? It was on the walls. The ceiling. The paintings that furnished the walls. I grimaced as I walked through into the kitchen, where everyone else was huddled maybe add "together" here.


“Where’re the matches, Sam?” Richard asked, his voice tense with worry.


“My—my mom keeps them h-h-hidden in the cupboard. My little brother g-gets into th-them and—” Sam stuttered. Jen was standing next to him, and she put her arm around his torso.


“It’s going to be alright. We’ll burn the board and get everything over with. Sam, look at me. Look at me! It’s going to be alright.”


“N-no it w-w-won’t!” Sam spoke, raising his voice. "Spoke" is a rather funny word choice after all that stuttering... “D-did you hear that man? He’ll c-c-come back! I know it. He’s p-probably watching u-us right now.” We all turned out heads to the only window in the kitchen. It was black outside. Dark, stormy clouds blocked all moonlight.


“Once we burn this board,” I asked quietly "Asked" doesn't seem right, since the actual question comes afterwards, “everything will go away? That man—that creature—won’t come back?”


“That’s what we think,” Jen replied, her soft eyes moistening up. “Where’s Steven?”


I hadn’t seen him since I’d left the room. Turning around, I walked back into the bedroom, knees still pounding together.


Thunder roared outside.


The bloody halls and carpet made my stomach churn. I stopped walking. Maybe just "I paused"? Especially when you use the word "stopped" in the next paragraph. My eyes widened. Was that Steven’s voice I heard coming from the bedroom?


I stopped just before the doorway. I could hear Steven mutter[s]ed[/s]ing some words quietly to himself. Edging myself forward, I glanced into the room and saw him on his knees, his hands clasped together.


“God, please forgive me. Don’t let him kill me. Please. Please, oh Lord, please. I’m sorry for

everything I’ve done. Just don’t let him find me.”


Thunder crackled.


“Oh Lord please save me even if the others get killed save me save me save me don’t let him find me you can protect me oh Lord don’t let him kill me!”


“Steven,” I whispered as I stepped into the room. Blood squished Is there any synonym for "squished"? We haven't forgotten that the blood squished in the second paragraph, as wellagain under my feet. Steven yelped in surprise, and something behind him caught my eye. Beyond the blood-drenched window was a face. Terror struck me, and I froze in my place.


It was the spirit that had just appeared to us a few minutes earlier. His evil eyes glared into mine, and I shrieked. Steven spun around, and his breath was caught in his throat. The figure approached the window, and then a lightning filled the sky.


I took a step back—squish, squish—and looked for something (anything) to use to defend myself. I'm not sure about the brackets. What about "–and looked for something, anything, to use to defend myself"? I took my eyes off of the window for a moment to look for a weapon. Hmm, a little word jumble here.


“Roger?” Steven cried. I glanced back up at the window, and my heart stopped. Roger was standing just outside of the window. His face was deathly pale, and his hair was torn and shredded. Dried blood was etched across his face. He wasn’t wearing his glasses. Could you put this last sentence before the "Dried blood..." sentence? It kind of blahs the excitement, since there's nothing scary about not wearing glasses. Hmm, I wonder if you even understood what I'm trying to say here? ;)


Roger began pounding on the window, making the glass tremble and shake as thunder crackled. Steven rose from his knees and opened the window hastily.


“He’s coming!” Roger roared and pointed behind him. “Let me in! Let me in, now! Hurry!”


“Brianne!” Steven cried from across the room. “Help me!” I ran to the window, blood still dripping from the ceiling, and grabbed one of Roger’s outstretched arms. Maybe change to "I ran to the window – blood was still dripping from the ceiling – and grabbed Roger's outstretched arm". First of all, because the blood and the ceiling don't have anything to do with Brianne, the sentences don't seem right if they're separated with commas. Secondly, "one of Roger's outstretched arms" makes it sound like he has more than two arms, which I guess he doesn't.


“Pull!” Steven yelled, and we both pulled. Roger was built light At first, I didn't get this, so it was easy to pull him through the window.


“Shut the window!” Roger cried. “Now! Before he gets in!”


Steven slammed the window shut. The glass, on impact, shattered, sending sharp fragments of glass everywhere. Luckily, I was able to avoid them, but Steven and Roger weren’t so lucky. They both screamed as the glass pierced their skin. Horrified, I did my best to pull them out of their flesh. I’d long ago lost all sense of emotion. Normally, this task would’ve killed me to do. But not tonight. The last sentence feels unneeded.


After as many glass shards had been picked out of their flesh as I could pull out You've built this sentence in quite difficult way, we ran out of Sam’s bedroom and into the kitchen, where Richard was holding a lit match up to the board.


“No!” Roger cried, flinging himself at Richard. “Don’t burn the board! Don’t burn it!”


“Roger?” Jen asked, her eyes wide.


“Roger, where’d you come from? We thought you were d-d-dead!” Sam questioned. To me, "question" isn't really a verb for this kind of occasion. I associate it rather with questioning a statement etc. However, it's not incorrect, so you can leave it there. It just sounded a little strange for me, a.k.a. I'm questioning the workability of the word "question" here. :)


“I know. Just listen to me. Richard, do not burn the board! These spirits took me. I know what they’re trying to do!” Roger exclaimed, taking the box of matches from Richard’s hands.


“What’re you talking about? Lillian told us—”


“That wasn’t Lillian. That was the spirit that’s been hunting all of us.”


That word sent chills running up and down my spine. Hunting.


“Lillian didn’t hang herself. The dark angel did. It uses our minds against us. It can control us. That’s what it’s been doing. All of the séances that we’ve been performing? They weren’t just fun and games. This thing has been using our minds to destroy us.”


“What’re you talking about, Roger?” I asked.


“Listen. I know what’s going on. You have to trust me!”


“Trust you?” Steven asked boldly. “Now why should we trust you? How do we know you aren’t this dark angel itself?”


“You just have to trust me. Please. I know what I’m doing!” Roger exclaimed, taking the board in his arms, with some resistance from Richard.


“This dark angel has been trying to release demons and spirits into the world. It found us that night we first [s]preformed[/s] performed the séance. And from then oncomma here? it’s been using us. Those cuts and scars we got the night after the séance? That’s its way of marking us, so it can continue using us. None of us in our right minds would continue doing séances after that night, right? It possessed us the entire time. Lillian was the only one of us that could resist it. That was why it killed her. After she was dead, Lillian came to me and told me what was going on. She wanted to warn us, guys. You have to believe me! This angel is going to kill us.”


I shook again what did she shook? Or, do you mean she was shaking? I didn't get that at first, and peered [s]behind me[/s] into the dark hallway behind me. There could be anything lurking in the darkness.


“Then why,” Jen asked, “can’t we burn the board? Lillian told us that we would get rid of this angel if we burned it.”


“Yes. We would get rid of it. But then this angel will go onto another Ouija board and hunt the users of that one. Once they figure out the secret, he will keep moving on. Yes, we can get it out of our lives, but we can’t get rid of it forever.”


There was a silence in the room. It was almost as if we could all hear each other’s heartbeats. Mine was thumping rapidly. I could feel something on the back of my neck, breathing hot air. I wanted it to go away, but it’d been there since I’d entered the kitchen.


“Then what are you saying we should do?” Steven asked. “Kill the angel?”


“How?” I asked. “It’s already dead.”


“M-m-my dad has a gun in his underwear drawer. That was somewhat comical, despite the situation. :) You think that it could kill him?” Sam said, breathing heavily, trying to calm his nerves.


We all looked at each other.


“I don’t see why we couldn’t try it. I mean, we don’t have very many weapons to fight this thing with.” Who says this? Well, it doesn't really matter, but it'd be nice to know!


“Knives,” Steven replied, and opened up one of the drawers. There were gleaming knives in it, and he took one out. It was a butcher knife. Silently, a drop of blood [s]from the ceiling[/s] fell from the ceiling and splattered on the tip of the knife. Steven’s eyes widened for a second, and we all looked up.


The ceiling, which had originally been white, was now black, with red lines that almost looked like veins running about. Blood dripped down from the veins, and I shuddered again.


“I’ll go get the g-gun,” Sam stuttered, and ran into the bloody hallway. I could hear his feet squishing Aaaah! There it is again! and sliding. I heard him open a door and saw a light flicker on from his parents’ bedroom. There was a fumbling sound, the light turned off, and Sam ran back into the kitchen, the gun in his hands.


“I d-don’t know how to use it,” he muttered, holding it out for everyone to see. It was a small, black pistol. I didn’t know any kind of gun very well, so I was completely dubious as to what it really was.


“I do,” Richard spoke. For some reason, I'm not a big fan of the word "spoke" when describing talking. I just thought I'd let you know. “My dad taught me how to use one. I wonder why? Here, let me see it.” Sam handed Richard the loaded gun.


“There’s a lock switch on here somewhere—ah! Found it.” Richard turned the lock off and held it in his hands.


“What now?” Jen asked, shivering.


“I think we need to use this,” Roger muttered, holding the Ouija board up, “to call the angel back to us. Then we might be able to kill him. We have matches too. Maybe we can burn him?”


“I really doubt if any of this is going to work,” I whispered. No one heard me.


“Wait, hold the ph-phone!” Sam cried, looking at Roger. “I thought you said whenever we use the board, we’re being possessed!”


“We are. But now we’re using the board to get rid of it. This is the last time we’ll ever use this board.rather a comma than a period I swear,” Roger concluded. “Okay, now, before any of us get[s] anymore spooked, let’s get to work. We all need to participate in this last séance. And then when the angel comes—”


“If it comes,” Richard interrupted.


“When it comes,” Roger said, “Richard will fire a couple bullets at it. We’ll see if it does anything. Steven, you need to throw as many knives as you can at it. I’d aim for the heart, if it has one. And Jen, I want you to go into the garage and get some gasoline. You will be our last defense. Pour some gas into the hall and on the floor. Once Richard and Steven have both attempted to kill it, you have to light a match and throw it into the oil. Maybe that’s the only way we can kill it. And if that doesn’t work…” his voice trailed off. But - but wouldn't the house burn and the kids die if she did that?


“Let’s just hope that it will work,” I muttered.


Roger nodded. “Right. Now, let’s start this séance.”


*


“We know you’re in here,” Roger muttered, closing his eyes and placing his finger on the planchette. He and Jen both had their fingers on the little marker. Everyone else sat around the board, holding hands.


“If you want us,” Roger whispered, his voice quavering, “then show yourself.”


The room was getting chilly. The occasional blood drop fell from the ceiling and landed in my hair. I grimaced every time it happened. Can't she move? Or is it dripping everywhere?


Thunder.


“One Mississippi—” Jen whispered under her breath, but was interrupted by lightning. I opened my left eye and looked at Jen. Her face was pale, because she realized that some unseen angel was controlling this storm.


“Come on, you moron!” Roger suddenly yelled. Jen squeaked.


“Roger, don’t provoke it!” Jen whispered. I think you could just say "she whispered", since it's Jen who squaled.


I was holding hands with Steven and Richard; I couldn’t quite tell who was shaking the most.


Floorboards creaked behind me. The hairs on my neck erected as I opened my eyes.


“Show yourself!” Roger screamed.


Before anyone could utter another word, there came a horrible snap across my back, which stung like I had never felt before. I screamed and ripped my hands away from Steven and Richard. Apparently, they had felt the same thing. The fiery burn pained my body, and I felt the tears swell up.


“There it is!”


The words chilled my bones, and I painfully cocked my head so I could see behind me.


The hooded figure stood behind me, about five feet away. I turned myself around, my eyes wide with fear. Everyone else remained motionless. The shock of seeing its evil eye made the pain on my back feel tiny. Its pale face was like a tiny canvas that was stretched across a large skull. Its eyes were deep and sunken. Its tongue slithered out between its few rotten teeth.


“R-Richard!” Sam stuttered. Richard took a moment to compose himself, and held out the gun. He pointed it at the angel and took a quick breath. He pulled the trigger.


There was a loud bang that I never forgot in years to come. The noise echoed off the walls and reverberated through our ears.


The angel didn’t flinch, even though there was a bullet hole through its right thigh. Richard shot again: this time, the bullet struck through his its, rather? hip. Still, the angel didn’t move.


“Steven! Go!” Jen cried, lighting a match with trembling fingers.


The angel took a step forward. Its bare feet splashed in the oil that Jen had spilled over the wooden kitchen floor. It just doesn't go into my mind that the creature would walk and talk like a human.


Steven chucked a knife through the air—it missed the angel completely. He grunted and threw another one. This time, it impaled the angel in the cheek. The knife stuck out at an odd end as the angel warily raised its arm and slid the knife out of its cheek. I gasped. The angel dropped the knife onto the floor, where it clattered.


“Jen!” Roger cried, and Jen threw the match into the gas on the floor. Instantly, everything was engulfed in flames. I screamed and stood up, trying to get away from the intense heat. The fire blocked all view of the angel. There were a few moments of intensity—


The angel stepped through the flames like they hadn’t existed. Its black robes weren’t scorched; its skin was clear and pale as ever.


I heard Steven swear at the top of his lungs, and then I did the only thing I could think of. I lunged down and grabbed the Ouija board. It felt slippery in my sweaty hands.


“Brianne, no!” Roger cried. He tried to pry it out of my hands, but I pushed him away.


“It’s either this or die!” I cried, and flung the Ouija board into the flames. I watched it as the planchette fell into the hungry fire. Black smoke filled the room.


The dark angel stood and watched the fire for a few moments. Then he turned and looked at all of us—six teenagers who knew we only had a few more minutes to live.


It raised its arms and held them in the air for a while. I was scared. I didn’t know what he was trying to tell us.


Suddenly, he lowered his arms, and the fire behind him spread in our direction, as if by some unseen force. I screamed once more, and watched the living room catch on fire. The sofas, the pictures, the TV. My friends.


I quickly caught sight of Steven once more. He tried to avoid the flames, but they swept him up in a large fireball. I couldn’t even scream for someone to help him before the flames had swallowed him up.


“Brianne! Come through the window!” Jen cried from the other side of the room. I swiveled around and ran for the only exit—when fire suddenly crawled up behind me. I screeched and glanced behind me. I could see Roger, lying face down in the flames. His back was scorched, and his flesh was burning. I couldn’t see Richard. He must’ve escaped out the window with Jen.


The fire caught onto my pant leg, and I tried to shake it off, but to no prevail. It swallowed my leg like a hungry predator. I screamed and cursed and cried, but nothing worked anymore. I tripped over something on the floor and fell on my face. The fire swept up through my clothes, and I couldn’t breathe. The pain. Oh, the pain was tremendous. No one could ever comprehend the amount of pain that I felt in that short time period. I could smell my hair burning. I could see Roger’s face melting off his skull. I could taste burning flesh in my mouth.


I saw the dark angel grinning right before the fire swallowed me whole.


No! You nasty little schemer! You can't end it like this! Waaaah!

I'm not talking to you. *pouts*

Haha. I don't know what to say. It's the end. There'll be no more of Séance. :cry:


I want to say that every chapter has been really hooking and I've always been happy to receive your PM saying there's a new chapter up. Despite the occasional clichés (I think I literally tore The Creature apart in the last chapter ;)), this has been a very enjoyable read, scary even at times.
I also think it was very clever to start each chapter with a definition, I really liked that.
There were so many of the kids, I couldn't always keep myself on track with them. But it was nice how you changed the POV throughout the story.
I don't know what else to say. It's the eeeendddd!!!

The best of luck with your writing! See you around!

Over and out.

Demeter
xxx
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Jared -

Ah. Finally, the last installment. It wasn't disappointing either. You did well with this and I found myself held very much in suspense throughout. Great job.

However, this piece kind of left me wanting more. It's cheating when you kill off all your characters and end it there; it's an easy way out. The only story I've seen that pulled off well and to my satisfaction was the movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, because it fit their characters to die with their boots on. Here, things devolved into a blood-and-guts slasher with no room for a sequel. This story was very well done (and, dare I say, epic?), but I think it falls to a rough crowd when you end it like this. I've actually got an alternate ending for you to toy with that was inspired from a passage of yours that I'll point out further down.

I found it strange that Roger resurrected himself and stayed with everyone until the end with no real explanation or a graceful transistion. It made me do a double take. I don't know what to think about that particular plot choice, but I'm not sure I like it much...

Also, I kept getting Richard and Roger confused, consider changing their names when you edit a final draft.

Blood squished again under my feet


You mention squishing at least four or five times. I know you want to emphasize this description, but I think you should mix things up and find new ways to describe the soaking of the blood. Please? I know you've got it in you.

They both screamed as the glass pierced their skin. Horrified, I did my best to pull them out of their flesh. I’d long ago lost all sense of emotion. Normally, this task would’ve killed me to do. But not tonight.


So here's the passage that got me thinking. At first, I thought that your main character was Death. Because you made it sound like she was pulling their souls out of their dead, glass-pierced skin -- an odious task. And I'm like, "Hmmm. Reminds me of The Book Thief, but it's still interesting." But then I realized that your main character was just as human and mortal as everyone else. I wonder. Maybe you could somehow use that idea, the idea of Death as a character? I dunno. Maybe, maybe not.

“Roger, where’d you come from? We thought you were d-d-dead!” Sam questioned.


So here I got confused. First of all, you did not introduce Roger's ghost very well. It was way too sudden. Second, they pulled him through the window just fine, it seemed , and then suddenly they're all shocked and scared by him. I would address the fact that he's a ghost right away. It also doesn't help that you've posted each installment with month long gaps in between, so that I forget who's dead and who's alive and who is who, period. At first, I thought that Roger and Stephen were both killed by the shattered glass and then I bungled around with the plot and...It was just very confusing.

The pain. Oh, the pain was tremendous. No one could ever comprehend the amount of pain that I felt in that short time period.


Lame. Way too melodramatic. Don't tell us what the pain is, show us what it's like. Plus you used the word 'pain' three times in adjacent sentences. I just think you could make this passage, which is so close to the end, a little stronger...

Anyway. A fantastic story. A fun and entertaining read. I'm sorry that it's over.

Good luck on your next piece.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Omigoodness, it's over. :(

Okieday, certainly a smash-bang finale. The intensity in this one just did not stop. Very very nice. Yay for gratuitous blood and fire! It felt like "Alien" and an episode of "Supernatural," all in the best way possible.

A few things that kind of confused me:

1) Roger. Huh? Is he dead or isn't he? He says something about the spirits taking him, but is he actually dead? Is he a ghost, still alive, what? *confused* He seems like flesh and blood to me... Did he ever die?

2)
After as many glass shards had been picked out of their flesh as I could pull out, we ran out of Sam’s bedroom and into the kitchen, where Richard was holding a lit match up to the board.


Seems to me that picking all the glass out is going to take a lot of time, and all the while, the Old Boy himself is standing at the window grinning like an undead idiot. I would definitely have run first and worried about the glass later - maybe while they're all arguing about the fate of the board? You could have people pulling out the glass in jittery panic mode while they are trying to decide what to do.

3)
There was a loud bang that I never forgot in years to come.


And yet you have her die in the fire. I doubt she can remember things in years to come because she's not living past today. Perhaps in the afterlife? Either way, I'd consider deleting that reference to future life, considering she dies. Or does she? *shifty eyes*

I wouldn't say that this was the scariest of the installments, but it was definitely intense, like the final crowning moment of glory reveal thing in a suspense movie. Very nicely done. I was a little disappointed in how it ended. I mean, what happens to those who escaped? Did they really escape? What happens to our good friend Mr. Cloak now? Gah, so many unanswered questions!

Anyhoo, very nice and congrats on finishing. Absolutely marvelous. I look forward to reading whatever you come up with next!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling
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Thank you all so much for your comments. I have a couple things to clear up though.

“Brianne! Come through the window!” Jen cried from the other side of the room. I swiveled around and ran for the only exit—when fire suddenly crawled up behind me. I screeched and glanced behind me. I could see Roger, lying face down in the flames. His back was scorched, and his flesh was burning. I couldn’t see Richard. He must’ve escaped out the window with Jen


I tried to imply here that Richard and Jen both escaped out of a window. As Kylan said, there is room for a sequel, if I ever feel up to it.

And about Roger: I totally forgot to include the reason about how he escaped. You see, the angel took him like it was planning to do with all of the rest of the kids.

Hope that clears up at least some things.

-Jared
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Would love help on this.




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OMG! I'm so sorry, I read this last night but it was late and I didn't have time to critique, so I'm going to do it tonight instead. Unfortunately, you've gone way down to about a five and a half from a nine on my relative scary-o-meter since I've been reading Bram Stoker's Dracula, which, though most people probably wouldn't think so, I'm terrified of (I had to stay up reading last night until I got to a part that wasn't scary.) But it doesn't mean I don't like this!

Okay, 'ere we go.

I. NITPICKS

“Where’re the matches, Sam?” Richard asked, his voice tense with worry.


Maybe it's regional, but here I would say (even though it's awful grammar) "Where's the matches?" I don't know, you're probably more gramatically aware than me.

Dried blood was etched across his face.


Strictly speaking it couldn't be etched. Caked, smeared, there are lots of nice words, but etched doesn't work, I don't think. Etched is like, engraved, right?

None of us in our right minds would continue doing séances after that night, right? It possessed us the entire time.


I had to read this twice to understand it. I'd try "No one" instead of "none of us."

II. THE TRAGEDY!

Seriously, I liked Brianne. Did you have to kill her? What I was confused about was you said "in years to come." But she didn't have years in which to forget it.

Also, what happens to Sam? I didn't catch that. So Lillian, Roger, Brianne and Steven die, Jen and Richard escape, and poor old Sam? What happens to him?

Quite tragic.

III. LOOSE ENDS

Some loose ends to tie up:

-where was Roger? We know they took him, but where?
-how did he escape?
-did they kill the dark angel? No? Did it kill them, or the fire?

IV. IS IT... hIM?

This is just something to mull over. Is this Lucifer we're talking about, or a mere minion like Beezelbub (Wish List by Eoin Colfer = fantastic book! Beezelbub is like, Peter's equivalent)? If it is the devil, perhaps capitalize all your Hes and Hims. It would make it scarier, as that's what you do when talking about the Lord, so surely you would do the same for his counterpart.

Of course, if it isn't, then don't. It's just a thought.

V. OVERALL

I really enjoyed the series, and I have to say that in terms of characterisation, Brianne was better than most of the others. Perhaps it was because we got to spend more time with her, but she struck me as the sort of more-than-meets-the-eye blonde, practical in an emergency. Was that what you were going for? I liked her... your characterisation was much stronger than in any of the other parts, except maybe Lillian's, and hers was sort of one-tracked.

The end is a bit confusing, but I did like the build-up. I thought maybe some more conflict within your characters wouldn't have gone amiss, like blaming -was it Sam? -for buying the board, and maybe a little more depth to each relationship, ie. who gets on better with who, are the girls still rejecting Steven?

But overall, this has been a riveting ride, and much congratulations on finishing. Hurray for Jare-Bear!

Hope I helped, and as always, PM if you have any questions,

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



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