Exile: Chapter Three

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Here it is, ladies and gentlemen: The treasure chest of answers :roll: (though of course not everything yet).


Chapter Three

It started to rain. I liked to refer the falling rain drops to the tears of a weeping nation, a nation tired of war, disease and death. Heh, that was the moment when I decided to write this book, despite it taking longer than my original thought was. I lowered my gaze from the sky to the ground, and noticed another thing. I hadn't had time yet to look at the woman, but now that I did, it struck me she was very beautiful. I liked her long blond hair falling behind her ears, and her very slim form, but what came out the most were her pair of large and determined brown eyes.

The woman saw me staring at her and asked "What are you staring at?"

"I'm just wondering at the rain, darling," I answered, and had a large amount of fun from the outraged expression which appeared on her pretty face.

"Well stop doing it! It annoys me!" she said, and picked up her sword from the ground.

"Well it aches my heart that I annoy you, my darling," I told with my voice full of sadness while showing a wide grin.

"How d-"she began

"Why don't you try to kill me? Also, you have yet to answer why were you stalking me?" I asked

"I thought you were an army sergeant at first, and I have no compassion for the dogs of the army," the woman answered.

"Army sergeant? Dear Fasnay, no," I said, evoking the name of the god of wisdom and knowledge

"Indeed, and I do not kill without good reason, no matter how annoying the person might be."

"Well would you now lead me to a good river crossing?"

"It is impossible; the rain renders the few safe river crossings obsolete. You'll just have to wait until it stops,"

I pondered the thought for a moment, until a clever idea formed in my head.

"Why don't you lead me to your home, just to pass the time, darling?" I said and disarmed her of her sword at the same time, just in case she would decide to stab me despite her earlier words.

"You are the most despicable man I have ever met," she answered, her eyes blazing, but still refraining from screaming or shouting.

"Then why did you laugh earlier? Oh, and your opinion about me is in complete unison with my own."

"I laughed because I was thankful you were not an army dog, and I had yet to discover what a despicable creature you are."

"Well, are we going or not?"

A long silence ensued. Then with a defeated voice, yet filled with loathing, the woman answered: "Yes."

So I took Crempie with me and we headed to her house. It was silent during the trip, for no one wanted to talk, and even Crempie seemed to sense the tense atmosphere. The rain continued relentlessly, and the ground was turning into a muddy soil, and small ponds were beginning to form.

I stopped as my eyes wandered to the pond nearest to me, and I was faced with a strange yet familiar thing. My own face. I don't expect you to know the shock when you see your face for the first time in six months. I saw its lean, handsome form. I had a long chin, bluish grey eyes and ravenously black hair which went on for seemingly forever, covering my face almost completely. My nose was remarkably long, and my skin was unhealthily pale after weeks of hiding and scarce food. I wore a leather jacket, and my belt was decorated by the short sword which had previously belonged to the woman. The woman...

"What is your name?" she asked

"Why are you interested in knowing it?" I replied

"I only wish to know the name of the man I am leading to my house" she answered

"I have had many names for the past six months, but you can call me Carael," I told the woman and got moving again "But what is your name, darling?" I continued

"Ailuut, but I'm only telling this so you may stop calling me 'darling,'" said the woman.

"That is quite an exotic name, my dear."

"Shall we just go?" Ailuut asked, and the conversation ended at that point.

We travelled forward again in silence. The forest was still quite empty, but the rain had brought out some animals from their hiding. I slowly walked onwards, but a day of traversing in the forest and escaping from the manor had taken its toll. Then after stepping through a narrow tree line, my eyes were laid on a small, well built wooden hut, with two tiny round windows.

"Here we are," told Ailuut.

I was too exhausted to answer. I entered the building. Inside were three rooms, with one of them having a single bed. Minding my manners, I set down to the floor, despite the fact it was not wise to leave my weapons unguarded, and fell to an uneasy sleep filled with nightmares.
Last edited by Amniel on Tue Jan 06, 2009 2:58 pm, edited 10 times in total.
If the road is easy, the destination is worthless.




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Oooh, chapter three is up!
Hey, you have less and less errors every time!

Critique:

Heh, that was the moment when I decided to write this book, despite it taking longer than my original thought was.


Oh, he's writing this as a memoir? You should have explained that in the beginning.

it stroked me she was very beautiful.


It stroked him, did it? I think you meant struck.

"I'm just wondering the rain, darling,"


This sentence really bothers me. Could you at least say, "wondering at the rain?

"Well stop doing it because it annoys me,"



Something about this sentence is awkward. It's too long. I would rewrite as, "Well, stop doing it! It annoys me!"

you my darling,"


Rewrite as "you, my darling"

dar..."she began


How would you say that? You can't cut off dare at "dar". The word is too short; she would already have said the word. Cut it off like this: "How d-"

Also you have yet to answer why did you follow me?


You need a comma after always.

Also, this whole sentence seems awkward. I would rewrite as:
"Also, you have yet to tell me why you were stalking me."
It's simpler and goes more with your characters snarky, smart personality.

Dear Fasnay


Fasnay? Tell us who that is.

"It is impossible,


You need a semi-colon instead of a comma.
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Oooh, chapter three is up!
Hey, you have less and less errors every time!

Critique:

Heh, that was the moment when I decided to write this book, despite it taking longer than my original thought was.


Oh, he's writing this as a memoir? You should have explained that in the beginning.

it stroked me she was very beautiful.


It stroked him, did it? I think you meant struck.

"I'm just wondering the rain, darling,"


This sentence really bothers me. Could you at least say, "wondering at the rain?

"Well stop doing it because it annoys me,"



Something about this sentence is awkward. It's too long. I would rewrite as, "Well, stop doing it! It annoys me!"

you my darling,"


Rewrite as "you, my darling"

dar..."she began


How would you say that? You can't cut off dare at "dar". The word is too short; she would already have said the word. Cut it off like this: "How d-"

Also you have yet to answer why did you follow me?


You need a comma after always.

Also, this whole sentence seems awkward. I would rewrite as:
"Also, you have yet to tell me why you were stalking me."
It's simpler and goes more with your characters snarky, smart personality.

Dear Fasnay


Fasnay? Tell us who that is.

"It is impossible,


You need a semi-colon instead of a comma.

"Well are we going or not?"


Comma after well.

but you can call me... Carael


Yay! He is no longer nameless!

But what is your name darling?"


You need a comma after name.

"That is quite an exotic name my dear."


Comma after name.

escaping from the manor


That reminds me: I don't believe you ever told us how he escaped the manor.

treeline,


It's two words: Tree line.

Hope this helped.
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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It's time to talk about cliches lol.

Amniel-not a good idea to get on my bad side when I'm the only one who critiques your work.

Snarky male character.
Meets defiant female character.
Romance sparks ensue.

Your MC's description of Aliuut is very cliche and this is basically like every other medieval fantasy I've read.

-Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85



Born to read. Forced to work.
— Khushi17Bansal