Pyromaniac ~ Chapter 1

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“Whoa!” I shouted, my voice echoing throughout the vast room, ricocheting off the walls and the high ceilings. “This place is huge.”
“Lucky we won the lotto, huh?” my twin brother Seth mused. “We’d never be able to afford this house otherwise.”
“Thank God for the lotto,” I said.
Seth chuckled as he looked around. When he saw the stairs he froze and gave a small gasp. “I’ll bet that banister would be fun to slide on.”
“Just don’t go down facing forward, bro.”
“I’m not stupid, Tess,” he called after me as I walked off to explore the rest of the mansion.
“Never said you were,” I muttered, though whether he heard or not, I didn’t know.
My Vans thumped on the laminated hardwood floor as I trekked through the house. What type of wood was that? Mahogany? I looked down at the dark, red-brown wood with its intricate grain patterns. It looked ridiculously expensive. Even if we did win the lottery, it still came to me as a shock that we could afford this place.
I came to the French doors that led to the backyard. I threw them open and peered out.
Oh my dear sweet Lord. A pool. With waterfalls. Fruit trees and various other colorful plants grew around the pool. The landscaping was genius. When the wind blew, it carried with it the scent of lilacs and roses. I inhaled deeply.
“Having fun?”
I turned around to find my father struggling with a stack of boxes, his black hair sticking out at all angles.
“Here, let me help you.” I took a box off of the top of Dad’s stack and grinned up at him. “This house is amazing.”
“And there’s a fireplace in the living room with your name on it.”
Wonderful, I thought as my grin widened. I found the room easily and set the box down in a corner. The fireplace was one of those big, antique brick deals, surrounded by a wrought iron fence thing, probably because it didn’t have a glass screen to cover it. I pointed a finger at it and a nice, healthy fire immediately began burning in the hearth. Satisfied, I stepped back into the hallway and resumed my exploration.
I ran into my mother in one of the upstairs bedrooms, pushing a bed against the wall. “This is your room,” she said when she saw me.
I looked around the large space. There were wall-to-wall windows displaying a scenic view of the backyard. That’d be nice to wake up to each morning. However, the stark white of the walls was going to be a problem. “We’ll have to repaint,” I said.
“Well, of course,” Mom agreed. “The white hurts my eyes, too. By the way, you start school next week.”
I groaned. I didn’t want to be the freak again.
“Don’t worry,” Mom said, an amused expression on her face. “It’s special, for people like you and Seth. Everyone there has some sort of power.”
A school of freaks, huh? At least I wouldn’t have to worry about being taunted in case I accidentally set my locker on fire again. “So that’s why we moved here?”
Mom nodded. “Your pyrokinesis and your brother’s atmokinesis were problems. Now, we don’t have to worry anymore. We found a place where you can fit in.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said with a smile.
“It’s not like you’re the first to go through this,” Mom pointed out, her hands on her hips and her eyebrows raised. She was clearly pissed at my how-can-I-possibly-live-through-this? attitude.
“I know,” I said. Mom’s invisibility had been a hindrance to her all through her life. “But you never had to be afraid of injuring anyone.”
“Fire’s a tricky thing. It can help, and it can hurt. The people here will help you control your powers. You won’t be alone.”
When you’re a freak among freaks, does that make you normal?

“Well, here goes,” Seth said, his voice quivering nervously as he pulled open the door to the school. I felt the static in the air, a result of his anxiety.
“Calm down, Seth. You don’t want to start a storm.”
He glared at me, his hazel eyes troubled and his jaw set. “I won’t start any storms, as long as you don’t set anything on fire.”
“Hey, that was not my fault! You—”
“I’m just messing with you, Tess.”
We stepped through the doors and into the throng of students. The chatter of several hundred zealous teenagers rattled in my ears. Despite having heard it for years, I wondered if I’d ever get used to the noise. Curious eyes followed Seth and me as we made our way through the halls.
“I don’t suppose you know where the main office is?” I whispered to Seth.
“Nope. Think we should ask someone?”
I nodded, although I wasn’t too eager to draw unnecessary attention to myself.
“Hey,” Seth called to short brunette girl with paper-pale skin. “Do you know where we can find the main office?”
“You go down this hall, and then you turn right, and it’ll say ‘Office’ on the door,” she said, pointing and using her hands as she spoke. “Hey, are you two new here? I haven’t seen you around.”
“Yeah,” I said nervously. “I’m Tess, and this is my twin brother, Seth.” I jerked my head towards Seth when I mentioned his name.
“Oh, hi. I’m Piper. So what’re your powers?”
“I’m pyrokinetic,” I said.
“And I’m atmokinetic,” Seth added.
“Cool. Me, I’m just plain old telekinetic. If you guys have any more questions, I’m your girl.” Piper gave us a friendly smile and waved as we walked away.
“She seems nice,” I murmured. “At least we know someone here now, huh?”
“Yeah,” Seth said as we came to the door to the office. He knocked on the door before opening it.
“Come in, come in,” a man’s voice called.
We stepped in and were met by a stout, balding man with thick-rimmed glasses.
“Um, we’re new here?” Seth said.
“Oh, yes, the Coleman kids. Seth and Tess, right?”
“Yeah.”
I figured that I’d let Seth do most of the talking. He was much better at this kind of stuff than I was.
“You may refer to me as Mr. Parker. So… atmokinesis and pyrokinesis, hmm? You know, we have different classes for different powers. Of course, there are some special ones that are difficult to accommodate, but you two should be fairly simple. I have your schedules right here.” He handed us each several pieces of paper before continuing.
“Give your teachers those slips, so they’ll know who you are. I suppose you went to an ordinary public school before your move, yes?”
“Uh-huh,” Seth said. “Tolstone High School.”
“I’m guessing they weren’t too, er, tolerant, of your abilities?”
“You’ve got that right,” I muttered under my breath before I could stop myself.
To my surprise, Mr. Parker chuckled. “Well, you won’t encounter that problem here. As I’m sure you can imagine, we’re quite used to the accidents that happen near individuals such as yourselves.”
“So you wouldn’t penalize me if I accidentally set something on fire?” I asked eagerly. I couldn’t believe that a place like this actually existed. It felt like something from a dream; too good to be true.
“Why would we?” Mr. Parker asked. “It isn’t your fault.”
All I could do was smile like an idiot in response.
“Now, off to class with you two. Wouldn’t want to be too late on your first day.”
Seth and I left the office after saying a quick goodbye to Mr. Parker. We had the same homeroom, and we found the classroom in a matter of minutes. We gave the teacher, Miss Tinslow according to the schedule, our slips and found empty seats in the back of the room.
“Seth! Tess!” a familiar voice called to us.
I looked around to find Piper sitting one row behind us. “Hi,” I said.
“Isn’t this great? We have homeroom together! Do you guys want to sit with me at lunch, since, you know, you probably have nowhere else?
“Um, sure,” I said, giving the girl a tentative smile.
Miss Tinslow cleared her throat and I turned in my seat to give her my attention. “As I was saying…” She rattled off the day’s announcements, her voice scraping like fingernails on a chalkboard in my ears. It wasn’t too hard to imagine why she was still a miss.
The bell rang and I jumped out of my seat like a startled rabbit. I followed the mob of kids out the door. My next class was “Pyrokinetics ~ 9” in room 153. This was bound to be interesting.
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."




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Your grammar is flawless. You manage to get the correct sentence structure, punctuation and word order without any problem, and your spelling is equally fantastic. The story flows fine, you manage not to skip transition, and you fill holes with explanation. That being said, I'm afraid you might be digging yourself a hole with this story.

The issue is, primarily, the concept that you are basing this story off of. From what I understand, this is about students with powers who are sent to a school for students with powers. This is overused, cliché, and many people who write have written a story like this in their lifetime are embarrassed about it afterword. Not to say you cannot redeem it later, but it looks like it starts the same way as those stories usually do. Your characters are likable, but are barely not Gary Stus; only the idea that they aren't alone in their powers saves them from this fate. You can turn this story into something very good, but the beginning is lackluster; there are no interesting events in this chapter.




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Feminition ~ xD Yeah, I'm starting to get embarrassed about it now, hah. First chapters usually are all la-di-da-this-is-the-main-character-and-yeah-here's-the-deal-so-read-and-try-not-to-vomit-please? and all that jazz. HOPEFULLY I may be able to turn this into something by adding that bitter sarcasm and black humor that is characteristic of my. Or maybe it'll just crash and burn. Who knows? The deal is that I was stuck with ideas and so I was browsing the Nano Adopt-a-Plot archives (after watching the X-men movies on TV) and then I had a dream (which is also cliched, but it's true so oh well). And, lo and behold, Pyro was born.
And I have no idea why I'm writing this big huge response to your review. Maybe I'm just bored and need a life? Yeah, that sounds about right.
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."




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Here as promised! You have not made it easy on me here. Lets see if I can find a few lines to pick out.....

When he saw the stairs he froze and gave a small gasp.


The wording is a bit odd here. It feels long, or something.

The fireplace was one of those big, antique brick deals, surrounded by a wrought iron fence thing,


Pick either "deals" or "thing" to put in this sentence. Both feels like a bit much.

I pointed a finger at it and a nice, healthy fire immediately began burning in the hearth.


So she can start fuel-less fires?

She was clearly pissed at my how-can-I-possibly-live-through-this? attitude.


Tess's line of dialogue above didn't suggest an attitude. Delete the question mark, it's distracting.

When you’re a freak among freaks, does that make you normal?

“Well, here goes,”


Put a line break between these two paragraphs so we know the location is changing.

“I’m just messing with you, Tess.”


No indication he's messing with her.

Overall- The curious nature of the characters and the accedents surrounding them are keeping me interested. You could use some more voice description, and your characters don't seem to show attitude very well.

One thing that bugs me to no end is "said" after every, single, line. Put tags in front of the dialogue to stop that on the same paragraph as the dialogue. Also, it feels unnatural to start every dialogue paragraph with quotes.

I'm interested to see how that Pyrokinetics class will work out....

P.S.- If you're wondering, I read this twice.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Thanks, Rosey! I'll work on it.
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."



Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb