Sea Foam Green

This is something a little new that is still sketchy. Any ideas and harsh thoughts are welcomed as always.

“What are you?” I asked, my voice feeling changed in the damp atmosphere.
A slight smile formed on the creature’s face. My eyes traced down her body. Her face and skin was tinted a sea foam green, and sparkles shimmered in the sparse amount of light shooting through the soft waves. Her torso shape was very similar to mine; she wore a skimpy, light pink, shelled bra that covered a very small part of her body.
As my eyes traveled, they widened in surprise. Below her waist; I could no longer compare her to my body. For she had an aqua scaled fin. As I watched in awe, she twirled her fin around in the water creating swirls like a tornado in the water. I tried to avert my eyes away from her disfigurement, in fear that she would feel disrespected. I looked back to her face and realized that everything about her was different from me. Her eyes were a wondrous violet with flakes of gold. Her hair that flowed like seaweed was a brilliant blue. It was almost as if her skin was meant to camouflage her from predators.
Her full purple lips parted and she spoke. “What are you?” Behind her question, there was a hint of laughter in her voice, which echoed in the vastness.
As if examining me, the creature moved around me. She danced among the reef as if she was weightless. Her colorful body creating rainbows in the pastel colors of the sea. She looked me up and down and cringed when her vision came to my legs flowing with the current.
The felling of self consciousness overwhelmed my mind and caused my legs to gradually elevate to my chest to hide as much of my body as I could. The sea creature laughed at me as if I were doing something foolish.
“Human,” I quickly blurted.
Her violet eyes widened at my words. “How is it that you breathe, human?” Her voice again traveled among the waves.
I tried to shrug, but the pressure from the water made the movement drag out dramatically. “I just, well, appeared.”
The creature tilted her head to the side as if she were a confused puppy. “Appeared,” she repeated.
Nodding seemed like a useless gesture, so I just spoke. “(O.C.C this part hasn’t been written or discovered yet so lets just skip.)”
“Come, human. Let me show you the deep blue.” Nerissa smiled at her small joke.

Hey there Jasmine.

“What are you?” I asked, my voice feeling changed in the damp atmosphere.

How on earth can your voice change in damp atmosphere? This sentence makes no sense.

Her face and skin was tinted a sea foam green, and sparkles shimmered in the sparse amount of light shooting through the soft waves.

Your sentence here is fragmented. It doesn't seem to follow logically with what's happening. And is it not obvious that sparkles shimmered? Why not just condense it down to say that the "light shimmered..."?

Below her waist; I could no longer compare her to my body. For she had an aqua scaled fin.

These two sentences can be combined together with a comma.

As I watched in awe, she twirled her fin around in the water creating swirls like a tornado in the water.

Comma after "water".

I tried to avert my eyes away from her disfigurement, in fear that she would feel disrespected.

Why would she feel disrespected though? Elaborate.

She looked me up and down and cringed when her vision came to my legs flowing with the current.

What do you mean by "her vision came to my legs"? Can you be more clearer with your expression here?

The felling of self consciousness overwhelmed my mind and caused my legs to gradually elevate to my chest to hide as much of my body as I could.

"Feeling". And how can self consciousness hide in your body? What on earth do you mean here?

Overall impressions:

Yeah, it's rather rough at the moment. There doesn't seem to be much logic in the piece nor is there a strong sense of what's happening in the piece.

1)What is the setting?

So where is this taking place? I can assume that it's taking place in some underwater cavern because you mentioned water and you've also used the word "echo" somewhere along the piece. But really, I didn't really get the impression that this was in some sort of underwater cave. You need more specific details + descriptions to really convince the audience that this is so. Right now, I only have quite a vague impression of it.

2)What is the narrator doing in that cave?

What on earth is your narrator doing in that cave? Who is stupid enough to wander into some cave to encounter a magical creature? Isn't she basically asking for trouble? I suggest that you should establish immediately as to why the narrator decided to went into the cave and accidentally encountered this supernatural creature. It's hard to sympathize with the main character if her motives are not known.

3)What are the motives of the supernatural creature?

As above. Why does the creature want to play around with the human? Why is she so interested with the human? Again, show more of her motives + reasons.

Characterize the narrator and the supernatural creature more. Flesh out the plot/ideas of this piece more and you should be fine.

Good luck.

Andy.

This is a cute little piece, although it does have some large holes in terms of setting and character.

“What are you?” I asked, my voice feeling changed in the damp atmosphere.

Maybe you meant 'muffled' or 'stifled', because voices don't change in damp atmosphere, although I understand what you're getting at.

I tried to avert my eyes away from her disfigurement, in fear that she would feel disrespected.

Is she actually disfigured? Or is it just in terms of humans? Is there something wrong with her tail? Also, the "disrespected" is a bit out there, suddenly you're embarrassing her? Only now? How?

It was almost as if her skin was meant to camouflage her from predators.

It is extremely likely that this is the case: every animal has something to help it blend in with its natural surroundings, and so it would not hurt this sentence to get rid of the "almost", as it almost surely is the reason her skin is coloured like that.

“What are you?”

Because of the description before this, you may want to emphasise that she is repeating the question asked of her by italicising the "you".

As if examining me, the creature moved around me.

You've just examined her and there aren't many other reasons why she would circle you. I feel that there are too many "as if"s in this piece. It makes it too doubtful.

The sea creature laughed at me as if I were doing something foolish.

I think you can get rid of the "as if I were doing something foolish" altogether, because the persona kind of is doing something that is obviously the reason for her laughter.

“Human,” I quickly blurted.

The "quickly" is excessive. "Blurted" generally suggests it was fast, all in one go. Have you ever read about or heard someone slowly blurting something?

“I just, well, appeared.”

I thought the question was how they breathed, not how they got there? You can use this, but perhaps answer the original question then have her ask how the persona got there.

The creature tilted her head to the side as if she were a confused puppy.

Another "as if"! It burns! I don't think the comparison is necessary. "Tilted her head to the side, confused' would do just fine.

“(O.C.C this part hasn’t been written or discovered yet so lets just skip.)”

How about something like "yes, appeared"? It's a bit sloppy that you haven't figured out the dialogue.

It is definitely pretty rough but it has great potential. Good luck and hope this helped!

Hey there,

What are you?” I asked, my voice feeling changed in the damp atmosphere.

I understood what you meant here and don't think it needs to be changed. Also, 'feeling' asserts the possibility that in fact, there has been no change in sound and that it merely seems that way to the character. Although, of course in different areas voices will have different sound effects.

she wore a skimpy, light pink, shelled bra that covered a very small part of her body.

I think it highly unlikely that a supernatural creature of any kind would conform to human notions of modesty. It's impractical. Especially in this instance. Dispose of the Disney-description.

I tried to avert my eyes away from her disfigurement, in fear that she would feel disrespected.

I thought this was a great piece of description. Don't change it. In one simple description you give us an insight into your protagonist's mindset -- that the mermaid's fin is unnatural, an alteration of the body that shouldn't be stared at, much like a mechanical arm, etc. It also shows that she isn't aware of mermaids as creatures of their own right, but mutated humans. Very interesting. Very good.

“Come, human. Let me show you the deep blue.” Nerissa smiled at her small joke.

I might be a tad slow, but I didn't get the joke.

**

While I think one or two sentences extra, regarding the setting, would be helpful, I don't think its a hundred percent necessary. It was mysterious but intriguing and there was enough of a sense of setting to infer location. I very much enjoyed this, the simple but effective description - and aside from the clothing, I think you captured the sense of a playful mermaid very well.

The only thing that threw me up was the 'I just appeared' line. Random and without meaning. Just woke up, can't remember, don't know, etc - all good, 'just appeared' isn't.

Good stuff.

Cheers