Boom

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I was in the midst of learning about cellular respiration as the world as I knew it shattered to pieces, both literally and figuratively. I heard scattered shrieks and cries for help. My previously calm class was now in a state of mass panic and confusion and before I knew it I was thrown from my stool and I tumbled downwards. My shoulder crashed against the floor hard and every inch of my body was shaking in what I thought was fear but after further investigation I found it was the floor quivering beneath me. And the walls, and the ceiling, and the lab tables, and just about every one of my peers. I reached up to the top of the lab table and attempted to pull myself to my feet but after failing many times, I just gave up. Instead, I settled for trying to hold myself still by grasping onto the handle of a drawer to my right but it vibrated like an electric chair at an arcade forcing me to release it. Just when I thought I’d never be still again, the room steadied itself. Eyes wide, I pulled myself off the ground, using my tables as support and looked around.
The inexplicable shaking of the room had caused several things to fall out of place. Desks had tipped over, taking their owners with them. Projects that were formally hanging on the walls at perfect right angles were sprinkled across the floor. Panicked students were trying to figure out what was going on; waiting for someone to jump up and shout “Got ‘cha!” No such thing happened. No one would play a joke like this.
One table had cracked in half. The side not attached to the wall was hanging by a weak strand of wood, threatening to fall on the boy who sat next to it. He noticed quickly and moved out of the way. A second later the lab table split in two and crushed the desk that was very recently occupied by the boy. In front of the classroom, the chalkboard had come loose, fallen from the wall and landed on Mr. Field.
The girl who sits behind me was moaning and clutching her head so hard her knuckles were white. I concluded that her head must have crashed against the rock solid lab table as she fell from her stool. She wasn’t the only one; maybe a quarter of my science class was injured. I glanced around, nothing too serious, no blood. Yet.
I didn’t see the giant crack in the back wall of the classroom until the whole wall started to collapse inwards. I took a second to thank God I was seated in the front of the class, away from the wall’s path of destruction.
A noise that could only be described as a mini sonic boom filled the room with a chorus of screams to accompany it. And then the screams stopped. Or at least I could no longer hear them. I could hear nothing but the sound of brinks falling and then smashing against the ground. It was about a minute from the time the wall had given in to the time the final brick had fell. The wall was like an evil mastermind; it refused to go down alone. As it met its doom, many kids met theirs’. The seriousness of the whole tragedy began to dawn on me. I bit my lip took a few deep breathes and tried not to get worked up. I wrinkled my nose. I smelt a rusty kind of smell, which I recognized as blood. I knew it would be a bad idea to get up, but I knew that I needed to see what was happening.
I took in my surroundings and instantly regretted it. My eyes focused on every drop of blood at once. I just kept repeating “No, no, no, no” over and over in my head. Dizziness and nausea came next. Everyone was…bleeding. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I dropped to the floor.

* * * * * *

Shouts and an air of panic surrounded me as I regained conscious thought. I felt the rise and fall of my chest and the cool floor beneath my fingertips. Above the noise of rowdy, alarmed students, I could hear my name ringing in my ears. “Leo, Leo?” I tried to match the voices with people and after a moment of thought, I realized it was Sage O’Brien and Lorelai Quincey talking over each other along with two guys’ voices I couldn’t quite recognize. “How long has it been?” “Is it normal for her to be passed out this long?” “Like almost ten minutes.” “How much longer do you think?” “Dunno.” “Try to wake her up again.” “Leo, Leo, I demand you wake up this instant.” It took me another moment to decide they wanted me to respond. It was then that memory rushed into my mind. I got to my feet instantly.
Too fast, the dizziness returned and I grabbed onto Sage for support. I blinked hard. I saw that they had carried me out of the classroom that looked like it could be on the set of a horror movie and into the hall. A sea of confused kids flowed around me. Every expression showed anxious fear and raw terror. Ever set of legs ran around, half pointlessly, half determined to find friends and siblings. The candy machine was busted open and mostly empty. The tough kids strutted around and covered up their true feelings with obnoxious laughter. Five or six teachers shouted, waved hands and tried to get the attention of teens that had to intention of listening.
I then noticed the other two boys next to me; they were Carter Ramsey and Harley Woods. I was suddenly flooded with emotion that they would stay back to help me. I knew that Rory (Loerlai’s nickname) and Sage, my two best girlfriends would, but Harley and Carter? Harley probably only stayed because he is so obviously in love with Rory. Can’t say I blame him though. Lorelai is gorgeous; her long, jet-black hair has giant beautiful curls that perfectly frame her slender, heart shaped face. She is petite but always wears heels or platforms to camouflage it. Her black eyes matched her hair and always looked right at you when you talked, not getting distracted for anything. She has a dry sense of humor and a certain klutziness Harley must find endearing. Some one else with that same klutziness would make it seem ditzy, needy, and very damsel-in-distress-like but Rory tried to hide it rather than flaunt it.
I looked at Carter; why did he stay back to help me? We are sort of friends and we hang out in groups a lot but we aren’t really that close. Perhaps it’s because he’s the nicest person on the face of the earth? No, although that’s true, if it were because he’s simply kind, he would be trying to help one of the many wounded students back in the classroom. Strange.
I realized that every eye was still trained on me. “What happened?” I asked the predictable thing to say. Rory, always the first to answer responded, “Mr. Podd made an announcement on the loud speaker, he was talking about how we think it’s terrorists but in the middle of his explanation, there was a click and the loud speaker just turned off. No one is being allowed in or out of the school, it’s like a friggen zoo. Everybody wants to find their friends or family, but they can’t.” Hm, I frowned. “How long was I out?” Sage and Rory exchanged glances. Sage replied first. “Um like at least ten minutes this time. We were gonna go tell some body but we knew you’d be mad if we did. And anyway, no one is in the mood to listen” Sage tucked her copper hair behind her ear and looked at her feet. Her freckled face turned red, as it did so often. Her tiny button-like nose flared like it did when she was uncomfortable. Sage was always so she, she barely ever got loud or outgoing. She was average height, but she could make herself seem about four-feet tall. “God damn it.” I said under my breath. “Did you try to wake me up at least?” Rory joined Sage and glared at the floor. They hated it when I got like this. I’ve been trying to get rid of my weak stomach for three years now, unsuccessfully might I add. I read online that the more you look at blood, the less it affects you. So instead of ditching ninth period Bio on days I knew it would be a blood bath, I came. But every time it just got worse. I would be out cold longer and the reaction would occur quicker. This happened until Mr. Field would not allow me to attend class on such days. And when I’m out, I’m out. There’s no way to snap me out of it besides maybe smelling salts.
I guess I do over-react about it and complain a bit but it bothers me on a level that none of them can comprehend. Then I got mad at myself, there was just a terrorist attack and I’m worried about being a little squeamish? Before anyone could answer my last question I said, “Sorry, not your fault and not the time to be discussing this.” They nodded, relived I would not start up. I looked at Carter, he looked almost...sympathetic rather than annoyed or disgusted by my behavior. My eyebrows formed a “V” shape in thought. I peered at him again. His brown hair was so light it was almost blonde, but not enough for him to be described as a blonde. It was so curly it looked almost fro-ish. Carter’s hair was perfectly messy, the hair that showered his head poofed up into neat curls. His eyes were an eccentric yellow color. They reminded me of an owl’s eyes. He looked much older than our age, fifteen, as did I. He caught my glance and held it; his eyebrows creased just like mine. I looked away.
“Anyway,” I started, “why would the terrorists bomb our school?” Harley answered this time “They didn’t. It’s supposed to be some sort of super-bomb that intended to attack all of Long Island and New York City. They dropped it just west of us. St. James is one of the towns most badly hit. Or at least that’s what Mr. Podd said.” I bit my lip and then stiffened as I realized the whole town was like this. “Oh my God, Nate and Kassie.” My brother was at the elementary school and my sister was at the middle school. Kassie, so frail and sensitive, would be no doubt on the verge of hyperventilating. Nate would try to act brave but would crave some sort of security blanket, a safe harbor, neither of which he had.
“Yea, that’s what we were getting to,” Sage said, “but Leo, they’re not letting us out.” Sage has a brother in the middle school, Calvin. She loved him more than life itself, so it was no surprise she would be anxious to get to him. “Are you forgetting,” Carter started, “that the entire back wall of our science classroom was blown to pieces, leaving us free to roam?” Perfect. “What are we waiting for; they’ll notice soon and block it up.” I said.
I turned towards the classroom but bumped into Tony Montgomery. “What classroom?” he asked, probably having listened in on our conversation. Then, seeing our hesitant expressions he continued, “My three sisters, they’re over at the elementary school, I gotta get to them.” Rory was the one who decided to answer “We’ll show you, come with us.” She started to lead the way to our Bio room and Tony let her through. Then I noticed the Pierce twins were right behind him, Kaiden and Cole. They’re called Kade and Cole and they’re so alike it’s scary. I don’t know them well but I don’t have to to know that they are best friends. I realized they were following us; they must have been with Tony. We were walking for much longer than I would have thought; they must have had to carry me far away from the blood. I froze in my tracks.
The blood.
How was I going to get through the room? Sage looked back at me “What?” she mouthed, but then a second later she answered her own question “Oh.” My face must have been pale white because she looked almost frightened of me. “Guys?” she called. They all stopped and looked back. Carter realized what was wrong first and explained to Tony, Kade and Cole. I noticed what a big deal I was making. “Never mind you guys, its good practice.” I saw doubtful and disapproving expressions. “Really.” I said.
We continued walking and reached the room. I took a deep breath and got ready to put myself through yet another test. I stiffened; I wanted to get this over with mostly because I couldn’t wait for it to end. Every time I do this I tell my self it will work and I’ll get over it. I tell myself I won’t react like I do and just not care like any other normal, sane human. But deep inside, I know I’m wrong. I can’t even think about blood without feeling a little nauseous. I can’t watch horror movies without having to duck for cover. I’m just like a handicap. A bizarre, unstable, handicap.
With my lips in a tight line, I headed into the classroom. The first thing I saw was a bloody gash of one of my peers who was stuck under a wrecked piece of wall. I tried to stop it, but I started to rock back and forth. My eyelids fell quickly and pressed shut hard. I could feel the blood rushing from my head and a wave of dizziness washing over me. Strong hands caught me. “Its ok, everything’s ok, a few more steps.” Some one who was definitely not Sage or Rory whispered into my ear. I completely forgot about the wounded student and was comforted by the voice repeating reassuring words into my ear. “You’re doing fine, come on now, don’t faint on me” Then I realized who it was. It was Carter. When the blood flooded back into my head and turned my cheeks red I almost laughed. It’s the perfect strategy for not fainting-blushing.
I was distracted until I had climbed over the remains of the destroyed wall. We were well past it when I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Sage’s terrified face “We can’t just leave them there, they’ll die.” She whispered. I swallowed “How many?” Sage tucked her hair behind her ear, “Maybe five.” I frowned. I knew it was wrong to leave them there, but I didn’t want Sage to worry, “Think about Calvin, and Kassie, and Nate. They need us now, right Sage? Some one will help the others.” Sage, who looked only a bit more relaxed, nodded.
We reached the end of school property. It was obviously not only our high school that was affected by the bomb. The winding road was littered with cars thrown astray like a child’s toys that were simply tossed onto the ground rather than placed in a civil way. The pavement was badly cracked; the worst crack ran down the whole street like a serpent. People were basically doing the same things they were doing in our school. Adults walked around, some toting toddlers, trying to get home. Some gathered in front of the high school, probably mad they couldn’t go in and see their kids. I would be.
It was around 3:30 now and the light that illuminated the sky was dim, only barely reflecting off the cars. Smoke filled the air menacingly. The posts that supported the traffic light had fallen to the ground, but strangely enough, the traffic light continued to switch from green, to yellow to red. A bus that was formally on its way to pick up kids from school was leaning against a house.
“This, children, is what would happen if everyone decided to drive drunk.” Cole commented dryly. A few smiled but no one laughed. We were on our way, to the elementary school first, annoyed by how slow we moved. Carter was my unofficial bodyguard; he warned me every time there was a bad accident and then me through it. I wanted to tell him how grateful I was but I knew it would sound cheesy.
We all made small talk, mostly about our siblings. “Their names are Gia, Mazie, and Laine. Gia is autistic; I’m mostly worried about her. Mazie and Laine are tough and they have each other. They’re ten-year-old triplets by the way.” Tony was the chattiest of all of us, but we all commented when asked, or when necessary.
“I didn’t know you had a brother, Harley.” Rory commented.
“Yup, he’s in the middle school. He’s a giant pain in the butt. I was so glad he’s not in the high school with me. Not so much anymore.” Harley used both hands to push his long brown hair out of his blue eyes. He bent his neck back and looked up at the sky. It was getting darker out. I checked my watch. Four o’clock. I hated that it got dark out so early during the winter. It was so depressing, kind of makes you want to stay in. But today, depressing fit the mood.




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I've got to fix the beginning, it stinks. The latest copy is at my moms house so I'll fix it up later.




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Hey there Casey, I'm going to review this for you seeing as you've got no reviews yet. You're new so you might not know this, but here you've got to review two things before you post one. Did you do that? If not that might be why you've got no reviews. Anyway, it's not an issue just now xD on with the critique ;)

I was in the midst of learning about cellular respiration as the world as I knew it shattered to pieces, both literally and figuratively.1 I heard scattered shrieks and cries for help. My previously calm class was now in a state of mass panic and confusion and before I knew it I was thrown from my stool and I tumbled downwards. My shoulder crashed against the floor hard and every inch of my body was shaking in what I thought was fear but after further investigation I found it was the floor quivering beneath me.2 And the walls, and the ceiling, and the lab tables, and just about every one of my peers. I reached up to the top of the lab table and attempted to pull myself to my feet but after failing many times, I just gave up. Instead, I settled for trying to hold myself still by grasping onto the handle of a drawer to my right but it vibrated like an electric chair at an arcade forcing me to release it. Just when I thought I’d never be still again, the room steadied itself. Eyes wide, I pulled myself off the ground, using my tables3 as support and looked around.

The inexplicable shaking of the room had caused several things to fall out of place. Desks had tipped over, taking their owners with them. Projects that were formally hanging on the walls at perfect right angles were sprinkled across the floor. Panicked students were trying to figure out what was going on; waiting for someone to jump up and shout “Got ‘cha!” No such thing happened. No one would play a joke like this. 4

One table had cracked in half. The side not attached to the wall was hanging by a weak strand of wood, threatening to fall on the boy who sat next to it. He noticed quickly and moved out of the way. A second later the lab table split in two and crushed the desk that was very recently occupied by the boy. In front of the classroom, the chalkboard had come loose, fallen from the wall and landed on Mr. Field.

The girl who sits behind me was moaning and clutching her head so hard her knuckles were white. I concluded that her head must have crashed against the rock solid lab table as she fell from her stool.5 She wasn’t the only one; maybe a quarter of my science class was injured. I glanced around, nothing too serious, no blood. Yet.

I didn’t see the giant crack in the back wall of the classroom until the whole wall started to collapse inwards. I took a second to thank God I was seated in the front of the class, away from the wall’s path of destruction. 6

A noise that could only be described as a mini sonic boom filled the room with a chorus of screams to accompany it. And then the screams stopped. Or at least I could no longer hear them. I could hear nothing but the sound of brinks 7 falling and then smashing against the ground. It was about a minute from the time the wall had given in to the time the final brick had fell.8 The wall was like an evil mastermind; it refused to go down alone. As it met its doom, many kids met theirs’.9 The seriousness of the whole tragedy began to dawn on me. I bit my lip took a few deep breathes10 and tried not to get worked up. I wrinkled my nose. I smelt a rusty kind of smell, which I recognized as blood. I knew it would be a bad idea to get up, but I knew that I needed to see what was happening.

I took in my surroundings and instantly regretted it. My eyes focused on every drop of blood at once. I just kept repeating “No, no, no, no” over and over in my head. Dizziness and nausea came next. Everyone was…bleeding. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I dropped to the floor.


* * * * * *


Shouts and an air of panic surrounded me as I regained conscious thought. I felt the rise and fall of my chest and the cool floor beneath my fingertips. Above the noise of rowdy, alarmed students, I could hear my name ringing in my ears. “Leo, Leo?” I tried to match the voices with people and after a moment of thought, I realized it was Sage O’Brien and Lorelai Quincey talking over each other along with two guys’ voices I couldn’t quite recognize. “How long has it been?” “Is it normal for her to be passed out this long?” “Like almost ten minutes.” “How much longer do you think?” “Dunno.” “Try to wake her up again.” “Leo, Leo, I demand you wake up this instant.”11 It took me another moment to decide they wanted me to respond. It was then that memory rushed into my mind. I got to my feet instantly.

Too fast, the dizziness returned and I grabbed onto Sage for support. I blinked hard. I saw that they had carried me out of the classroom that looked like it could be on the set of a horror movie and into the hall. A sea of confused kids flowed around me. Every expression showed anxious fear and raw terror. Ever set of legs ran around, half pointlessly, half determined to find friends and siblings. The candy machine was busted open and mostly empty. The tough kids strutted around and covered up their true feelings with obnoxious laughter. Five or six teachers shouted, waved hands and tried to get the attention of teens that had to intention of listening.

I then noticed the other two boys next to me; they were Carter Ramsey and Harley Woods. I was suddenly flooded with emotion that they would stay back to help me. I knew that Rory (Loerlai’s nickname) and Sage, my two best girlfriends would, but Harley and Carter? Harley probably only stayed because he is so obviously in love with Rory. Can’t say I blame him though. Lorelai is gorgeous; her long, jet-black hair has giant beautiful curls that perfectly frame her slender, heart shaped face. She is petite but always wears heels or platforms to camouflage it. Her black eyes matched her hair and always looked right at you when you talked, not getting distracted for anything. She has a dry sense of humor and a certain klutziness Harley must find endearing. Some one else with that same klutziness would make it seem ditzy, needy, and very damsel-in-distress-like but Rory tried to hide it rather than flaunt it.

I looked at Carter; why did he stay back to help me? We are sort of friends and we hang out in groups a lot but we aren’t really that close. Perhaps it’s because he’s the nicest person on the face of the earth? No, although that’s true, if it were because he’s simply kind, he would be trying to help one of the many wounded students back in the classroom. Strange.

I realized that every eye was still trained12 on me. “What happened?” I asked the predictable thing to say. Rory, always the first to answer responded, “Mr. Podd made an announcement on the loud speaker13, he was talking about how we think it’s terrorists but in the middle of his explanation, there was a click and the loud speaker14 just turned off. No one is being allowed in or out of the school, it’s like a friggen zoo. Everybody wants to find their friends or family, but they can’t.” Hm, I frowned. “How long was I out?” Sage and Rory exchanged glances. Sage replied first. “Um like at least ten minutes this time. We were gonna go tell some body but we knew you’d be mad if we did. And anyway, no one is in the mood to listen” Sage tucked her copper hair behind her ear and looked at her feet. Her freckled face turned red, as it did so often. Her tiny button-like nose flared like it did when she was uncomfortable. Sage was always so she,15 she barely ever got loud or outgoing. She was average height, but she could make herself seem about four-feet tall. “God damn it.” I said under my breath. “Did you try to wake me up at least?” Rory joined Sage and glared at the floor. They hated it when I got like this. I’ve been trying to get rid of my weak stomach for three years now, unsuccessfully might I add. I read online that the more you look at blood, the less it affects you. So instead of ditching ninth period Bio on days I knew it would be a blood bath, I came. But every time it just got worse. I would be out cold longer and the reaction would occur quicker. This happened until Mr. Field would not allow me to attend class on such days. And when I’m out, I’m out. There’s no way to snap me out of it besides maybe smelling salts.

I guess I do over-react about it and complain a bit but it bothers me on a level that none of them can comprehend. Then I got mad at myself, there was just a terrorist attack and I’m worried about being a little squeamish? Before anyone could answer my last question I said, “Sorry, not your fault and not the time to be discussing this.” They nodded, relived16 I would not start up. I looked at Carter, he looked almost...sympathetic rather than annoyed or disgusted by my behavior. My eyebrows formed a “V” shape in thought. I peered at him again. His brown hair was so light it was almost blonde, but not enough for him to be described as a blonde. It was so curly it looked almost fro-ish. Carter’s hair was perfectly messy, the hair that showered his head poofed up into neat curls. His eyes were an eccentric yellow color. They reminded me of an owl’s eyes. He looked much older than our age,17 fifteen, as did I. He caught my glance and held it; his eyebrows creased just like mine. I looked away.

“Anyway,” I started, “why18 would the terrorists bomb our school?” Harley answered this time “They didn’t. It’s supposed to be some sort of super-bomb that intended to attack all of Long Island and New York City. They dropped it just west of us. St. James is one of the towns most badly hit. Or at least that’s what Mr. Podd said.” I bit my lip and then stiffened as I realized the whole town was like this. “Oh my God, Nate and Kassie.” My brother was at the elementary school and my sister was at the middle school. Kassie, so frail and sensitive, would be no doubt on the verge of hyperventilating. Nate would try to act brave but would crave some sort of security blanket, a safe harbor, neither of which he had.

“Yea, that’s what we were getting to,” Sage said, “but Leo, they’re not letting us out.” Sage has a brother in the middle school, Calvin. She loved him more than life itself, so it was no surprise she would be anxious to get to him. “Are you forgetting,” Carter started, “that the entire back wall of our science classroom was blown to pieces, leaving us free to roam?” Perfect. “What are we waiting for; they’ll notice soon and block it up.” I said.

I turned towards the classroom but bumped into Tony Montgomery. “What classroom?” he asked, probably having listened in on our conversation. Then, seeing our hesitant expressions he continued, “My three sisters, they’re over at the elementary school, I gotta get to them.” Rory was the one who decided to answer “We’ll show you, come with us.” She started to lead the way to our Bio room and Tony let her through. Then I noticed the Pierce twins were right behind him, Kaiden and Cole. They’re called Kade and Cole and they’re so alike it’s scary. I don’t know them well but I don’t have to to know that they are best friends. I realized they were following us; they must have been with Tony. We were walking for much longer than I would have thought; they must have had to carry me far away from the blood. I froze in my tracks.

The blood.

How was I going to get through the room? Sage looked back at me “What?” she mouthed, but then a second later she answered her own question “Oh.” My face must have been pale white because she looked almost frightened of me. “Guys?” she called. They all stopped and looked back. Carter realized what was wrong first and explained to Tony, Kade and Cole. I noticed what a big deal I was making. “Never mind you guys, its19 good practice.” I saw doubtful and disapproving expressions. “Really.” I said.

We continued walking and reached the room. I took a deep breath and got ready to put myself through yet another test. I stiffened; I wanted to get this over with mostly because I couldn’t wait for it to end. Every time I do this I tell my self it will work and I’ll get over it. I tell myself I won’t react like I do and just not care like any other normal, sane human. But deep inside, I know I’m wrong. I can’t even think about blood without feeling a little nauseous. I can’t watch horror movies without having to duck for cover. I’m just like a handicap. A bizarre, unstable, handicap.

With my lips in a tight line, I headed into the classroom. The first thing I saw was a bloody gash of one of my peers who was stuck under a wrecked piece of wall. I tried to stop it, but I started to rock back and forth. My eyelids fell quickly and pressed shut hard. I could feel the blood rushing from my head and a wave of dizziness washing over me. Strong hands caught me. “Its ok, everything’s ok, a few more steps.” Some one who was definitely not Sage or Rory whispered into my ear. I completely forgot about the wounded student and was comforted by the voice repeating reassuring words into my ear. “You’re doing fine, come on now, don’t faint on me” Then I realized who it was. It was Carter. When the blood flooded back into my head and turned my cheeks red I almost laughed. It’s the perfect strategy for not fainting-blushing.

I was distracted until I had climbed over the remains of the destroyed wall. We were well past it when I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Sage’s terrified face “We can’t just leave them there, they’ll die.” She whispered. I swallowed “How many?” Sage tucked her hair behind her ear, “Maybe five.” I frowned. I knew it was wrong to leave them there, but I didn’t want Sage to worry, “Think about Calvin, and Kassie, and Nate. They need us now, right Sage? Some one20 will help the others.” Sage, who looked only a bit more relaxed, nodded.

We reached the end of school property. It was obviously not only our high school that was affected by the bomb. The winding road was littered with cars thrown astray like a child’s toys that were simply tossed onto the ground rather than placed in a civil way. The pavement was badly cracked; the worst crack ran down the whole street like a serpent. People were basically doing the same things they were doing in our school. Adults walked around, some toting toddlers, trying to get home. Some gathered in front of the high school, probably mad they couldn’t go in and see their kids. I would be.

It was around 3:30 now and the light that illuminated the sky was dim, only barely reflecting off the cars. Smoke filled the air menacingly. The posts that supported the traffic light had fallen to the ground, but strangely enough, the traffic light continued to switch from green, to yellow to red. A bus that was formally on its way to pick up kids from school was leaning against a house.

“This, children, is what would happen if everyone decided to drive drunk.” Cole commented dryly. A few smiled but no one laughed. We were on our way, to the elementary school first, annoyed by how slow we moved. Carter was my unofficial bodyguard; he warned me every time there was a bad accident and then me through it. I wanted to tell him how grateful I was but I knew it would sound cheesy.

We all made small talk, mostly about our siblings. “Their names are Gia, Mazie, and Laine. Gia is autistic; I’m mostly worried about her. Mazie and Laine are tough and they have each other. They’re ten-year-old triplets by the way.” Tony was the chattiest of all of us, but we all commented when asked, or when necessary.

“I didn’t know you had a brother, Harley.” Rory commented.

“Yup, he’s in the middle school. He’s a giant pain in the butt. I was so glad he’s not in the high school with me. Not so much anymore.” Harley used both hands to push his long brown hair out of his blue eyes. He bent his neck back and looked up at the sky. It was getting darker out. I checked my watch. Four o’clock. I hated that it got dark out so early during the winter. It was so depressing, kind of makes you want to stay in. But today, depressing fit the mood.




Okay; I liked this, it was long, not without its faults but it was good ;) The main problem I had with this was that your MC switched from very formal language to informal. This was rather annoying and didn't work very well. However, your character development is going well so far. Your character at least has quirks - she doesn't like blood - and hopefully this will build towards your overall story. Your use of imagery and figurative speech was good too, not too much, but enough. So really, that' all I have to say for just now. Numbers :)
1. Woah! Woah there. You are obviously very talented, but you don't need to show off your impressive skills and vocabulary in the very first sentence. It's a bit too hard for people to follow. That said it is good but it just doesn't work as a first sentence.
2. Good description.
3. Does she have more than one table? I don't think so. It should either be using the tables, or using my table
4. Good insight into your characters.
5 You concluded? This is an example of where you writing gets too formal. That sounds like a scientific hypothesis, not something at teenager would say.
6. I don't think most people'd thank god they were sitting at the front of the class. They'd be too scared for their classmates. They wouldn't be thankful, let alone take a minute to thank God, change this a bit. Maybe have I was secretly thankful but feared for my classmates.
7. Brinks? Really? Did you not mean bricks? :lol:
8. Fallen not fell.
9. Why is there an apostrophe after theirs ? You don't need one.
10. Breaths
11. You're new here, so you won't know this, but you need to be careful of the format of your work. You need to space it properly, that might be why you don't have a review yet. Having all of it together is off putting and hard to read.
12. I think you meant strained not trained.
13. Loudspeaker is one word.
14. Loudspeaker is one word.
15. Should be:
Sage was always so, she...

16. relieved not relived.
17. His age, our is confusing and doesn't make much sense.
18. W should be capitalized.
19. it's should have an apostrophe in this context seeing as you mean it is and not its as a possessive.
20. Someone is the one word.

This was good xD
Well done :)
Hope I helped :D
~Lostxxx
for what are we without words and stories?




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Reviews 145
Hey there,

The review is in the attachment. PM me if there are any issues opening it, okay? It's probably fine, but some others have, in the past, had trouble opening the document, so I figured I'd mention the possibility ^^ message me if anything makes no sense, also.

Some general points: I enjoyed reading your story, and think you have something good going here, but you should consider looking into the length of your paragraphs. Mainly this is a visual issue, because some of them are quite large blocks of text - which doesn't look appealing. I also see that on occasion you need to show, not tell.

Don't tell us that he reaches up and fails to grab onto anything; show us that he reaches up, have him then slip and clearly fail without you having to say "he failed". Show us what he sees in a different way; his thoughts, his emotions, what he smells, hears, sees, but in a less direct way. Don’t say “He noticed quickly and moved out of the way.” But instead try: “The boy glanced up, a look of abstract horror crossing his face, then rapidly scooted out of the danger zone.” I hope that makes sense, but feel free to PM me if it doesn't ^^

Also: Each new character who speaks needs to be on the next line. You can't have dialogue like this:

Character A sighs "It sucks, I know." and character B smiled wryly. "What can we do, though?" Character A shook her head, then frowned a little."I honestly haven't got a clue." "Oh... that's allright, we'll find something." "Yea, I guess."

You see how the cluster of dialogue gets annoying? Try to keep in mind that you need to start a new paragraph with every new speaker ^^

See the attachment for more.

I enjoyed reading this; it was interesting, and I liked the storyline. Well done.

XxxDo
Attachments
Review for Casey.doc
Here you go ^^

Xxx
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Obsessing over what you regret won't get you anywhere.
— Steggy