Teenage Surveyors - 1st part of the first chapter

Chapter 1

A slow and calm gust of wind rustled the leaves of a lemon tree outside a window. Nimsi Whitewood stood at the open window, gazing out at the rustling tree through the waving curtains, her eyes unfocused.

Nimsi was a pretty, quiet, exuberant and a rather shy girl. She was as sweet as a rose and she was as beautiful as the sunset. Nimsi was about five feet tall, and was rather thin. Her eyes, which were long and attractive, were dark green. Her lips, which were reddish pink, always showed a faint smile. Her hair was sleek and straight. It was nearly up to her waist, now that it wasn't tied. A red hair band was worn on her head. Nimsi, who was quite a playful girl, likes playing any kind of sport with her friends, so long as she doesn't have to learn it by a coach. And also, she likes being with children smaller than her. But, she really hates dancing and drama, and the other girlish things. But, that doesn't mean that she likes being like a boy.

Nimsi sighed and looked around at her room. Normally, anyone would think that her room and all her possessions were pink, as she was a girl. But no, her room was light green. And it was neat, tidy and spotlessly clean. Her bed, which was already made by Nim, stood directly opposite of the other room window. It had some barbies, dolls and stuffed animals neatly kept on it. A polished mahogany wardrobe stood beside the bed, facing it. There were some drawing and notes stuck to it, for quick use. And directly below the other window, was a book shelf, filled with books, DVDs and toys.

Nimsi, who had been kneeling on a chair to look out through the window, got down and looked at her silver, heart shaped wrist watch, which showed that it was 8.35 AM. Then she looked at her notebook which was pinned to the wall. And on it, written in Nim’s neat hand writing, were the important things to be done on that specific day. This was because she wanted to do everything in time and not forget one little thing.

She went over to it and ran her tiny finger down list.

Call Devi – 21/June
Talk to Michael – 21/June
Invite him over – 21/June
Play with them – 21/June

The list went on till the end on the day. She took a pencil and cut the first line of the list. Then she took up her cordless telephone and sat on her bed, dialing Devi’s number.

After a few moments, the call connected and a ringing sound came. A bit later someone answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Devi.” Nimsi answered, her voice sweet and little, more like a 6 year old girl, than herself.

“Oh, hi Nim.” Sera said, her voice also sounding like Nim’s

“You promised that you’ll be coming today. You have to come, or I’ll come there and drag you here myself.” threatened Nim.

“Alright, I’m coming. I was just packing my things.” assured Devi soothingly.

“Okay, I’m waiting until you come. Oh, another thing, there’s another friend of mine coming here, so be ready to meet him, okay? Bye.” Said Nim and kept the phone, feeling happiness flow through her little body.

“NIM!! Come down and eat your breakfast.” Nim’s mother’s voice came from downstairs.

Nimsi, without answering, got up from her bed and made to her wardrobe. She took off her green pyjamas and observed her self from the mirror.

She looked at her slightly raised chest, then at her face. She smiled at her reflection.

Nimsi opened her wardrobe after tossing her worn nightie to her cloth basket. Then she rummaged her collection of dresses.

She chose a light blue skirt and a matching light blue sleeveless blouse. She wore her skirt over the milky green ‘Hello kitty’ panties which she had been wearing from yesterday.

After brushing and combing her hair and making it in a braid, she went downstairs.

Her mother was there, washing up some dishes. She smiled warmly at her pretty little daughter as she came.

“Good morning, Nim.” Greeted her mother

“Morning mother.” Nim returned the greeting and sat at her place.

Most of the mornings, it was just Nimsi and her mother. Nim’s father was a planner and made blueprints of certain weapons. So, he leaves about 5.00 AM in the morning. So, Nim barely sees him on weekdays. Generally, Nim is sound asleep when her father comes back.

Nim took the plate of buttered waffles and started eating them.

She, after finishing breakfast, took out her notebook and then crossed the second line on it. Then she got up and went to her backyard. There was a small black gate leading to a beautiful two-storied house.

She opened the gate and went to that house’s backyard. Then, she knocked at the closed door.

“Michael!” She called, knocking at random times.

The door opened. There stood a handsome boy wearing long denim trousers and a white a shirt. He had sleek black hair and brown eyes. He was fair and is about a head taller than Nim.

“Hi, little Nimsi. Good to see you up so early.” joked Michael

“I always get up early.” said Nim, looking playfully annoyed.

“I should be lucky that I even woke up today. Last night my sister woke up screaming that a pair of tweezers was trying to pluck her. My mom had to sooth her saying that all the tweezers were locked in the cupboard. So, my sister didn’t sleep at all, and kept me awake as well. And to top all that, I was so sleepy today that I washed my mouth with a toilet cleaner, not with the mouth wash. Sheesh!!” Michael said, walking down the hallway with Nim, who was laughing her head off for his story.

“Michael, listen. A friend of mine is coming to my house today and I was hoping that you would…….” Nim trailed off.

“No-way. The last time your friends came I had to run around the yard and climb a tree to be stopped from getting kissed and hugged. That was from that little girl called Nelushi. I admit, she was cute but……you know.” Michael explained.

Nim laughed. “Mike.” She called him that when Michael is being funny. “This friend, Devi, she’s not like my other friends. She’s very friendly and sweet. You’ll like her.”

Mike turned around and looked at the little girl, thinking.

“Okay, then.” at last he said.

To be continued........look for the part two on 29/12/2008

Hello!

I've become fairly bored of giving nitpicks recently, so I'll go into the story. Firstly, I'd like to go over:

Showing vs Telling

You open with a small description of the weather, which is fine, so long as you want to remain very plain and dull. Try switching it around; instead of saying that there was a gust of wind, which shook a lemon tree by an open window where a girl called Nimsi stood, try showing us, and say that Nimsi was standing by and open window, noticing the gust of wind shake the lemon tree. From that, we can tell that her name is Nimsi without it being shoved down our throats, and we are seeing it from her perspective. Also, ask the relevance--at this point on, do we need to know that she is eleven? Can we hear that later on, maybe, say, in the dialogue? You could just say she was small girl, or, even better, show us, by pointing out her weak hands or measuring the height of the window by which she looked against her own.

It fits in with character development too. The more description of emotions and thoughts you lay upon us, the better we can paint a picture of Nim. She's just so flat at the moment.

Another example:

Everyone called her Nim or Nis, as it suited her.

Why? They aren't even real words, are they? They don't even resemble them, and again, I feel as though I am watching the scene develop from a mile away--let her explain. That's another disadvantage about telling us things; we are left to wonder why things are as you say they are.

Now, moving on:

Nimsi sighed and looked around at her room. Normally, anyone would think that her room and all her possessions were pink in colour. But no, her room was light green in colour. And it was neat, tidy and spotlessly clean.

To start with, remove the second instance of "in colour". But now continue this thought with some description. Even if I read onto the next paragraph, all I can draw from her room is that there is a bit of paper stuck onto the wall. And that the room is generally pink or lime--why does she think that, anyway? Why do some people think it's pink? Essentially, show us where the bed is, or, to keep it necessary, explain that there is, in fact, something to be neat. A bed, a wardrobe, some draws and a desk. Whatever. Keep it simple, but present. Does she like it? Moving back to the original point I said about showing, perhaps point out that the bland perfection gave her the creeps, or then again, does the wood remind her of her favourite colour? Let us picture the room with the atmosphere. Set the scene: dull, pretty, scary?

What?-ness

There are a few cases where you write something, and I'm thinking, what? That, is What?-ness. For example:

Said Nim and kept the phone, feeling happiness flow through her little body.

What's the point of "and kept the phone"? Was she going to give it up for adoption, or...? Yeah, just proofread. That'll also sort out a lot of the nitpicks you might get, considering that there's a lot of good stuff here, just in need of refining, eh?

Dialogue

Your dialogue is mostly fine, but you are making a persistent error when writing it. Just google the uses of commas and full stops - punctuation - when someone speaks, and you say: "he said" or whatever. It's fairly simple, and actually, I just found a link for you:

http://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page25.html

Best of luck--PM me with any questions!
Mark

Thanks for the review. I edited it, and I think it's better now.

But, there are some things. Like, when I said "She kept the phone" I meant, she kept the phone back on the wall. I didn't say anything about adoption. I mean, anyone can understand that.

Thanks for the site, so, I edited those also.

But, if you think the description of the girl is not good, you tell me a better way. Please, I need to make this more better.

A slow and calm gust of wind rustled the leaves of a lemon tree outside a window. Nimsi Whitewood stood at the open window, gazing out at the rustling lemon tree through the waving curtains, her eyes unfocused.

Ok first of all the problem here i that the words 'rustling lemon tree' seems a little strange as you already said 'lemon tree' a few words before, try 'rustling tree' or something like that.

This girl had bright green eyes and rather reddish brown hair. She was very fair, and her face was very pretty and clean, without any sign of a pimple. Everyone called her Nim, as it was easier than saying Nimsi all the time.

Was that an explanation?? bottom line it sucked. i can give you 1/2 /10 and not more. You seriously have to do better than that. And normally its better for the character to explain. Blink already said to add the 'Why's but it seems you havnt added all of them.

Normally, anyone would think that her room and all her possessions were pink.

Do you seriously think anyone would thank that? Why would they think that? Is it a habit wherever she lives? Where does she live?

She went over to it and ran [s]a[/s] her tiny finger down list.

Call Devi – 21/06/2008
Talk to Michael – 21/06/2008
Invite him over – 21/06/2008
Play with them – 21/06/2008

I advise you to not put in the year because if you are going to publish this then you don't want to put then date on it because in a few years people would read it and think 'How old' or something like that. Besides its not necessary to put the year is it?

And also why does she have a list? Is she forgetful? or does she wasnt to do everything in time? Or is this some kind of advanced time management?

“Hi, Devi.” Nimsi answered, her voice sweet and little, more like a 6 year old girls than a ______.

“Oh, hi Nim.” Sera said, her voice also sounded like Nim’s

She looked at her slightly raised chest, then at her face. She smiled at her reflection which smiled back sweetly.

Or something like that, also the reader might think of the question of why she did look at the mirror.


well okay no offense but that was plain kinda boring. You need to make the reader a little interested through the story. And even if it was interesting you still didn't answer many questions that may come up into the readers mind. To make matters worse there are some small grammar and typo error, but its fine. You really do have you re-read it though.

Firstly, anyone who is saying my character description sucks, give me an example of how to do it in a more better way. Than rating it saying that it just shoving down your throat. Please, I need to see how this can be in a better standard.

And secondly, Firestalker, I can't really jump into the plot right whenI start the story can I? I need to describe everything clearly and perfectly, and then go to the plot.

I didn't say that you needed to jump into the plot i meant that it was boring as the reader (Me in this case) had a lot, an extreme lot of unanswered questions that could have been answered above, that all.

I think the character description is good now.

Can some review this? Pleeeeease?

Heya Chirantha!

I'm going to write any comments in bold:

A slow and calm Maybe cut out the "and" and just use a comma instead? gust of wind rustled the leaves of a "the" would maybe sound better here lemon tree outside a window. Nimsi Whitewood stood at the open window, gazing out at the rustling repetition of "rustling" tree through the waving curtains, her eyes unfocused.

Nimsi was a pretty, quiet, exuberant and a rather shy girl Wow! Long list - try cutting this description down a bit, perhaps to just "She was a pretty, but quiet, girl or something like that?. She was as sweet as a rose This simile is a little overused - try another? and she was Repetition of "she was" just leave it as "and as beautiful...." as beautiful as the sunset. Nimsi was about five feet tall, and was rather thin this information is kind of irrelivant if I'm honest. Her eyes, which were long and attractive maybe I'm reading this wrong, but do you mean her eyelashes were long - long eyes seem kind of strange?, were dark green. Her lips, which were reddish pink, always showed a faint smile. Her hair was sleek and straight. It was nearly up "down" not "up" to her waist, now that it wasn't tied back. A red hair band was worn on her head. Nimsi, who was quite a playful girl, likes playing any kind of sport with her friends, so long as she doesn't have to learn it by a coach. And also, she likes being with children smaller than her. But, she really hates dancing and drama, and the other girlish things. But, that doesn't mean that she likes being like a boy These last few sentences are not really needed and are too much like telling the reader Nimsi's character rather than showing them. Try linkingthis information in later on in the story. Also I'm a little unsure of the tense, you've written in future but I think it would sound better in past, personally.

Nimsi sighed and looked around at her room So she's in her room? Maybe earlier on when you describe her looking out of the window, just add in that it's a bedroom window. Normally, anyone would think that her room and all her possessions were pink, as she was a girl A little too stereotypical for my liking - right about now, you should be hearing every female readers heads hitting the wall. But no, her room was light green. And it was neat, tidy cut out "neat and tidy", "spotlessly clean" is a good enough descriptionand spotlessly clean. Her bed, which was already made by Nim Again irrelivant information. The reader does not need to know who made the bed, stood directly opposite of "of" not needed the other room window. It had some barbies, dolls and stuffed animals neatly kept on it. A polished mahogany wardrobe stood beside the bed, facing it Maybe join these two sentences together? For example: "It had some barbie dolls and stuffed animals kept neatly on it and it faced a polished mahogany wardrobe". There were some drawings and notes stuck to it, for quick use irrelivant. And directly below the other window, was a book shelf, filled with books, DVDs and toys maybe shorten this to "a full bookshelf underneath the window" or something like that.

Nimsi, who had been kneeling on a chair to look out through the window, got down and looked at her silver, heart shaped wrist watch, which showed that it was 8.35 AM too much information here!. Then she looked at her notebook which was pinned to the wall. And on it, written in Nim’s neat hand writing, were the important things to be done on that specific day. This was because she wanted to do everything in time and not forget one little thing again, a little over descriptive.


She went over to it and ran her tiny maybe just finger? finger down list.


Call Devi – 21/June

Talk to Michael – 21/June

Invite him over – 21/June

Play with them – 21/June
These things are a little too obvious to forget.

The list went on till "until" the end on "of" the day. She took a pencil and cut the first line of the list. Then she took up her cordless telephone and sat on her bed, dialing Devi’s number.


After a few moments, the call connected and a ringing sound came. A bit later someone answered "a bit later" makes it sound like it's "a lot later", I can't really describe it but it's just like when people say "we'll do it a bit later" always means like in an hour or so. Does that make sense?.


“Hello?”


“Hi, Devi.” Nimsi answered, her voice sweet and little, more like a 6 year old girl, than herself.


“Oh, hi Nim.” Sera said, her voice also sounding like Nim’s maybe, "her voice likewise to Nim's"?


“You promised that you’ll be coming today. You have to come, or I’ll come there and drag you here myself.” threatened Nim. Wait! You've made her sound very sweet and innocent - her coming out with a line like this will kind of confuse the readers a bit.


“Alright, I’m coming. I was just packing my things.” assured Devi soothingly. Wasn't she talking to Sera?


“Okay, I’m waiting until you come. Oh, another thing, there’s another friend of mine coming here, so be ready to meet him, okay? Bye.” Said Nim and kept the phone, feeling happiness flow through her little body.


“NIM!! Come down and eat your breakfast.” Nim’s mother’s voice came from downstairs.


Nimsi, without answering, got up from her bed and made to her wardrobe. She took off her green pyjamas and observed her self herself from the mirror.


She looked at her slightly raised chest, then at her face. She smiled at her reflection.


Nimsi opened her wardrobe after tossing her worn nightie to into her cloth basket. Then she rummaged her collection of dresses.


She chose a light blue skirt and a matching light blue sleeveless blouse. She wore her skirt over the milky green ‘Hello kitty’ panties which she had been wearing from yesterday Too much information.


After brushing and combing her hair and making it in a braid, she went downstairs.


Her mother was there, washing up some dishes. She smiled warmly at her pretty little daughter as she came.


“Good morning, Nim.” Greeted her mother


“Morning mother.” Nim returned the greeting and sat at her place.


Most of the mornings, it was just Nimsi and her mother. Nim’s father was a planner and made blueprints of certain weapons. So, he leaves wrong tense - "left"about 5.00 AM in the morning. So, Nim barely sees him on weekdays. Generally, Nim is sound asleep when her father comes back.


Nim took the plate of buttered waffles and started eating them.


She, after finishing breakfast, maybe try: After finishing breakfast, she... took out her notebook and then crossed the second line on it. Then she got up and went to her backyard. There was a small black gate leading to a beautiful two-storied house.


She opened the gate and went to that house’s backyard. Then, she knocked at the closed door.


“Michael!” She called, knocking at random times.


The door opened. There stood a handsome boy wearing long denim trousers and a white a shirt. He had sleek black hair and brown eyes. He was fair and is wrong tense - "was" about a head taller than Nim.


“Hi, little Nimsi. Good to see you up so early.” joked Michael


“I always get up early.” said Nim, looking playfully annoyed.


“I should be lucky that I even woke up today. Last night my sister woke up screaming that a pair of tweezers was trying to pluck her. My mom had to sooth her saying that all the tweezers were locked in the cupboard. So, my sister didn’t sleep at all, and kept me awake as well. And to top all that, I was so sleepy today that I washed my mouth with a toilet cleaner, not with the mouth wash. Sheesh!!” Michael said, walking down the hallway with Nim, who was laughing her head off for his story. Too much detail!


“Michael, listen. A friend of mine is coming to my house today and I was hoping that you would…….” Nim trailed off.


“No-way. The last time your friends came I had to run around the yard and climb a tree to be stopped from getting kissed and hugged. That was from that little girl called Nelushi. I admit, she was cute but……you know.” Michael explained.


Nim laughed. “Mike.” She called him that when Michael is being funny. “This friend, Devi, she’s not like my other friends. She’s very friendly and sweet. You’ll like her.”


Mike turned around and looked at the little girl, thinking.


“Okay, then.” at last he saidmaybe "he said at last".

A good start but you definitely need to tone down on the description. Also you focus on quite trivial things. it needs to be short and simple to keep the readers attention as well as including description. Your tenses need checking here and there too.

Hope I've been of some help and PM me if you have any questions.

Happy-go-lucky

Hey! You've reviewed so much of my work so well, I felt like I should check out some of yours. Most of what I want to say has already been said, I guess. The way that you describe Nimsi is a little bit of an info dump, for lack of a better word. I do it all the time, so don't worry. Basically, instead of telling us her exact height and all the details about her appearance at one, maybe try spreading out.
When you talk about her getting dressed and ready for the day, for example, you could say something like, "She brushed back her straight waist-length hair and stuck a red headband on it, her green eyes sparkling in youthful anticipation for the day she had planned." From this, the reader can picture a young girl with green eyes and long straight hair without you making it obvious you're telling the reader that. It just makes the story flow better.
Also, you write mostly in past tense, but sometimes you skip forward into present tense. Try and keep it in one tense, probably past since that's what you use most often.
Some overall things: when you said that people might think her room would be pink, it kind of threw me off. I actually don't know that many girls who like the color pink enough to make that their room scheme, so you could probably just take that part out.
hmm... other than that, I don't have much to say. I like this story and definitely think it has potential. I hope I helped you at least a little bit as much as you've helped me!