Chapter 1 - Online Intruder

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Chapter 1


"Hey Check out this site." Derrik said reaching across the bus seat putting a slip of paper into Samantha's hand.

"What is it?" Sam asked Derrik

"Just go to it, on the front page it will say, Ghost's chair, click on it." he said as he put his math book in his backpack.

Samantha sighed and looked at the slip of paper, it read, seeitandsuffer.com.
She hated these sights. Derrik always gave her these ridiculous websites where you would look at illusions and a ghost pops out or when you go through a maze and a ghost pops out. She jumped the first couple times, but after about two times she knew what was going to happen. She always says to Derrik, "Derrik, I already know what is going to happen," and he would always reply, "No this one is different. She had also got sick of getting the same response so she just took the website and looked at it to make him happy.

She got home, set her bag on her bed, and got on the site. Derrik was right, there was all sorts of videos and a big one right in the middle that said, "Ghost's chair"
She clicked on it, instead of a game or illusion, it was a video. hmm, something different. she thought. There was a room with a bed, and a single rocking chair sitting in the middle. A girl in a white dress with black hair and scars on her face was sitting on the chair.

"Come on ghost. When are you going to spring out of your chair?" Samantha asked, as if talking to her.

Suddenly, the girl flipped around and gave Samantha a dirty glare.
[/i]that's wierd.[i] Samantha thought.
The girl got out of her chair, disappeared for a split second, and started writing on the wall, mumbling to herself. It seemed like you were just watching the ghost while she did whatever but it was still creepy.

"Wow. This is the best one yet." Samantha said under her breath.

She got off the site and called Derrik to congratulate him for finding something almost scary.
Derrik's mom, Nancy, answered the phone quickly.

"Hello?" she asked

"Hello? Is Derrik there?" Sam asked.

"Yep, one second." Nancy replied.

"Hello?" Derrik asked

"Hey, It's Sam. The sight you gave me is pretty cool."

"Was it?" he asked.

"You know. You're the one who gave it to me." Samantha said a bit confused.

"I never got on it. My friend Brian gave it to me." he replied.

"Brian died yesterday, I just got the call. That website was the last site he was on."

"I'm so sorry." Sam said sadly.

"I'll really miss him. We always had the best of times together." he said, sounding like he was almost crying.

"I am really sorry, Derrik, I know how you feel. My friend died awhile back.I cried every night for a month." Samantha said.

"You said that the website you gave me was the last site he ws on?" Samantha asked, astonished/

"Yeah. I guess that is what his mom said." said Derrik.

"Well, do they know how he died?" Samantha asked.

There was a pause.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me." Samantha said again.

"No, No, It's fine... He hung himself." Derrik said.

Now Samantha knew Derrik was crying.

"I have to go." said Derrik abruptly.
Last edited by JordanEmert on Sun Dec 28, 2008 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
Well, yes mate. See, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly..stupid.
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JordanEmert wrote:Chapter 1

(Hey there Jordan! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you. )

"Hey Check out this site." (change that period to a comma!) Derrik said reaching across the bus seat putting a slip of paper into Samantha's hand.

"What is it?" Sam asked Derrik(.)

"Just go to it, on the front page it will say, Ghost's chair, click on it." (change that perod to a comma)he said as he put his math book in his backpack.

Samantha sighed and looked at the slip of paper, (period instead of comma; capital I to start a new sentence)it read, seeitandsuffer.com.
She hated these sights (sights should be sites). Derrik always gave her these ridiculous websites where you would look at illusions and a ghost pops out or when you go through a maze and a ghost pops out. She jumped the first couple times, but after about two times she knew what was going to happen. She always says (says should be said)to Derrik, "Derrik, I already know what is going to happen," and he would always reply, "No this one is different. She had also got sick of getting the same response so she just took the website and looked at it to make him happy.

She got home, set her bag on her bed, and got on the site (Make this clearer; let us know she goes to the website. It sounds like she just hops on easy as nothing :D). Derrik was right, there was all sorts of videos and a big one right in the middle that said, "Ghost's chair"
She clicked on it, instead of a game or illusion, it was a video. (capital H)hmm, something different. she thought. There was a room with a bed, and a single rocking chair sitting in the middle. A girl in a white dress with black hair and scars on her face was sitting on the chair.

"Come on ghost. When are you going to spring out of your chair?" Samantha asked, as if talking to her.

Suddenly, the girl flipped around and gave Samantha a dirty glare.
[/i]that's wierd.[i] Samantha thought. (Capital T in "That's")
The girl got out of her chair, disappeared for a split second, and started writing on the wall, mumbling to herself. [s] It seemed like you were just watching the ghost while she did whatever but it was still creepy.[/s]

"Wow. This is the best one yet." (comma instead of period)Samantha said under her breath.

She got off the site and called Derrik to congratulate him for finding something almost scary.
Derrik's mom, Nancy, answered the phone quickly.

"Hello?" she asked

"Hello? Is Derrik there?" Sam asked.

"Yep, one second." Nancy replied.

"Hello?" Derrik asked

"Hey, It's Sam. The sight you gave me is pretty cool."

"Was it?" he asked.

"You know. You're the one who gave it to me." Samantha said a bit confused.

"I never got on it. My friend Brian gave it to me." he replied.

" You know what's weird?,"(drop the comma) Derrik asked, "He died yesterday and his mother said that's the last website he was on before he died."

"I'm so sorry." (drop the period and replace it with a comma)Sam said sadly.

"Nah. We weren't that close." Derrik said.

"Oh... That is kind of weird though." Samantha said.



This is pretty exciting! I can almost predict what will happen, but I hate it when people do that, so I won't. Anyway! It's interesting, although the way you ended it was kind of abrupt.

I hope you choose to continue this. If you do, I'd like to see you develop your characters. We know very little about Samantha-- what she looks like or anything, which is okay, because we don't actually have to know that to appreciate the story.

Watch your tenses. You switched from past (said, went) to present (says, goes). Pay a little attention to that and punctuation and you'll be great.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. Keep this up! I want to read more!


xxJune
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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Yay! A horror story!

Just a little critique:

" You know what's weird?," Derrik asked, "He died yesterday and his mother said that's the last website he was on before he died."
"I'm so sorry." Sam said sadly.
"Nah. We weren't that close." Derrik said.
"Oh... That is kind of weird though." Samantha said.


That's kind of a lame reaction. It's hardly even a human reaction.

1. His friend DIED! Think about if your friend died.

2. Samantha doesn't even freak out.

I would completely rewrite the scene.

You also need more description in your story. Make it scarier.

Sam should be online on the sight, and something like this should happen...

The phone rang suddenly. Samantha gasped in surprise. She looked away from the ghost and answered her phone. "What?" she asked, heart beating.
"Sam, oh God, Sam." Derrik's voice was full of fear.
"What is it Derrick?"
"Sam, god, Sam, don't go on that website...

I don't know, that's just my opinion :)
Then he should explain about the death of his friend, and then something should happen, like the ghost should turn around and be like "Hello, Samantha."

See? Much scarier.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
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nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
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Hello, Jordan!

Since springrain already got the the grammer, I suppose I'll go right to review of the story? I'm really glad I've finally got to read another horror story here! I think it's sort of odd, though, that the ghost is usually always wearing white with black hair and pale skin.

I loved how you described what happened on the video--especially when she gave her that look. I would've been spooked for sure, but why'd she get off and then call? Why not call while still watching? If it's the best website her friend has ever given her, then why wasn't she curious to watch the rest? Ah, but this is just me of course.

Hold it. If Samatha called Derrik after she watched some of the video, and that's when Derrik told her that was the last website his friend was on before he commited suicide... Did Derrik give her the website address after he found out about his friend? Or after? Because it sort of sounds like he was trying to kill her, too!

Aaaaaah!

---

Okay, here's just two little nitpicks that springrain didn't get:

"Hello?" Derrik asked


Needs a period at the end, or you could take out 'Derrik asked' all together.

and...

"No, No, It's fine... He hung himself." Derrik said.


The second 'No' shouldn't be capitalized.

---

So that's 'bout it! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^^

- kittykat
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
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Damn, that's creepy. I've seen movies where the ghosts are in the internet and that usually scares me off. >>;

Anyways.... Review time!!
"Hey, It's Sam. The sight you gave me is pretty cool."

"Was it?" he asked.

"You know. You're the one who gave it to me." Samantha said a bit confused.

"I never got on it. My friend Brian gave it to me." he replied.

"Brian died yesterday, I just got the call. That website was the last site he was on."

"I'm so sorry." Sam said sadly.


This little section got me confused because I thought Sam was the one who said that Brian died. The dialouge could use a little bit more work.

But since Chapter 2's already up, I shall go and see it! D< I'm just giving you this little review for future refference. ^^

-Poppy Mare
I want to do many, many things with my life, but I'm way too scared to really say. Writing, I guess is a way of being able to so all the things I want and not worry about being hurt.




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I really thought it was cool. Keep at it.
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!




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Hola JordanEmert. I'll be your reviewer for today.

"Hey Check out this site." Derrik said reaching across the bus seat putting a slip of paper into Samantha's hand.


Comma after "seat".

"Just go to it, on the front page it will say, Ghost's chair, click on it." he said as he put his math book in his backpack.


Just go to it. On the front page it will say Ghost chair. Click on it," he said as he put his math book in his backpack.

Samantha sighed and looked at the slip of paper, it read, seeitandsuffer.com.


Samantha sighed and looked at the slip of paper. It read: seeitandsuffer.com.

"No this one is different. She had also got sick of getting the same response so she just took the website and looked at it to make him happy.


The wording here is a bit off. You can't actually take a website. Consider rewording here ( I get what you mean though).

She clicked on it, instead of a game or illusion, it was a video. hmm, something different.


She clicked on it. Instead of a game or illusion, it was a video, something different.

It seemed like you were just watching the ghost while she did whatever but it was still creepy.


Why did you suddenly went into second person? Keep your point of view constant throughout your piece to avoid confusing the reader. And can you show us this "creepiness"?

Summary:

I disliked this piece for reasons that I'm going to list down here.

1)Unconvincing writing

I'll first talk about the phone call. It didn't sound like they really cared about their friends death. Sam could only reply with "I'm so sorry", yet Sam was sorry, then he would had reacted in a much more physical and drastic way. We are talking about someone's friend here who's died. If one of your friends died, I'm pretty sure you would show much more signs of emotions. And if Derrik had really missed him, I also think that he too would also react more drastically rather than simply saying "oh, I missed him". I am not convinced that Derrik misses him from that. I want more signs of that. The phone call is lackluster as it doesn't pay tribute to their fallen friend, but rather finding out as to what killed their friend. If this happened in real life, I'm much more certain that they would be paying tribute/reflection to their friend, inform their parents + other friends and to eventually take part in organizing a funeral for their friend first, then worry about as to what could had killed their friend.

2)Show, don't tell

Why tell us that Sam hates his friend's pranks with the computer? Why don't you show us that? Describe it. Show to us as to how she would react. Also with that video, describe it more, allow us to picture as to what's happening in the video. Give us something to search for. Saying that it's creepy gives the audience very little to work with. Far more satisfying is the careful use of language that is subtle and hints at meaning rather than yelling it! By using more subtle hints, it makes the audience more involved with your piece.

3)It is cliche and lackluster

This seems very similar to movies like "The Ring". A bunch of teenage kids watches something and gets cursed with the grim reaper. It's a very common idea in the horror genre. There doesn't seem to be any twist or actual depth in your piece to distinguish this from the rest. It's very bland at the moment. Try focusing more on their actual lives rather than the whole "who killed this guy" mumbo jumbo. I think it would be quite interesting to read as to how these people's lives and usage of the computer/Internet were changed by this event. There are some teens (like myself) who would use the Internet as entertainment. If you are able to capture this quite well, then it would be much more convincing when you introduce the horror element. There are many risks and dangers involved in using the computer extensively for entertainment. If a person doesn't make an effort to protect themselves from such risks, it may lead to injury, harm, social and emotional harm or even death. For them to not be killed by those factors, but through only that particular video immediately adds more emphasis as to how horrific and unnatural this video is. (assuming this is horror no?)

Anyways, I hope you will consider what I've said at this critique. I admit, it's bland to read at the moment, but there is room for improvement.

Take care of yourself.

Alleria.



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