Orli and Eden (2)

Deleted. Thanks so much for the comments

N/B It was deleted because I have to hand it into school


xxx

Here I am again - Yay! First to review.

I

Anyway, I love this style of writing. It is very refreshing, and I love the modern gothic style you are using - I don't mean it's gothic literally, but you are using fairly old vocabulary and stylistic traits in a piece set in the 19th century, a trait which I find both original and endearing in your writing. The descriptions are very good and I like how you focus on tiny details, rather than describing the whole picture to us. It gives us the feeling that we're watching your story through a peephole, which is really quite a charming idea. I love all your characters, they can tend to seem a bit distant sometimes and I struggle to empathise, but most of the time it's great.

II

Orli - She is a really lovely, unique character. She is obviously distant from Eden, and seems to be in another world and another league from her family, most of the time. So far, we haven't had that many interactions between the two sisters - I would like to see more, merely so that you could put these amazing characters to good use! She is somewhat nebulous and not entirely concrete, I don't really think of her as something tangible yet - but I think that's the whole point of Orli. She isn't tangible. She isn't of this world. Her world is musings, dreaming, philosophy, and things which are, simply, non-existent in normality. She isn't living in reality, therefore the reader shouldn't expect to see anything tangible coming from her. A wonderful character.

III

Eden - She's the more tangible out of the two, being the narrator, which is good. I'm glad we're seeing the supernatural Orli through Eden's eyes, because as Eden has her two feet on the ground, the reader has someone to empathise with. If Orli was narrating, the reader would get completely lost in her complicated thoughts. Anyway, yes. I like Eden very much, she's also the stronger character; she likes to think deeply, seems independant, and is probably very intelligent. She's quiet and doesn't show her feelings easily, even to her family. I think you should make her relationship with her father stronger as that would be great to build on as a sub-plot, especially if she regarded him as an idol at the start, and then her trust in him gradually breaks as she notices he's just as flawed as anybody else. An adorable musing character.

IV

Some faint grammatical problems, however, which is not a very big problem as the writing is so good. From time to time you confuse your apostrophes - just remember that:

a proper noun doesn't need an apostrophe when it is not possessing something ,
for example, 'Eliza's ribbons' needs an apstrophe, for the ribbons belong to Eliza.
however, 'Rings sale' < there is no need for an apostrophe in 'rings' because the sale doesn't belong to the rings.

The rule is the opposite with pronouns, [he, she, it.]
for example, 'its paws' doesn't need an apostrophe because the paws belong to whatever 'its' is.
however, 'it's saying' needs an apostrophe, because you are abbreviating 'it's', for want of a verb.

If you need any more pointers, Professor Rabbit has written a terrific article on the use of apostrophes in the Knowledge Base [under Resources]


V


Great stuff, as usual. Pray continue.

-Sarah

Aw, thankies Sarah
You rock
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A very intriguing introduction -- I wondered a moment if I was reading a different story. But ah, no. Now I'm wondering how this links in, and that's good. The opening paragraph was good but I think not structured brilliantly. Maybe it was that reliance oh hyphens when, IMO, they weren't needed.

Lady Marice Earnshaw Longe.

A lady was standing beside the house,maybe a semi-colon here? a prosperous looking women. She wore a long garment - a brown dress; and something draped around her neck. A ’shawl’ . I had never heard of such things. Never heard of it yet knew its name? Maybe someone told her? Clarification? She seemed a rather distinguished women; could just as easily use ',and' not one devoid of dignity. Upon the ground sat a young boy. He was lying on the ground; semi-colon here irrelevant his head perched upon his head, his long legs reaching high in the air above him. Something about him reminded me of Orli - the real Orli. Perhaps it was the way his eyes sparkled lustrously, or the air of devilish fun that surrounded him. Nice insight The lady was glancing down at him, disapprovingly; a bit zealous with the semi-colons here. Only use them when needed a look of distaste upon her near perfect face. The boys name was added at the bottom. Written in even messier handwriting

The following paragraph seemed very Jane Austen. Love it but don't know if it works with the setting of the novel. I mean I obviously realise that this picture is from much earlier on, but remember this is Eden narrating. Is this the sort of thing she'd say?

The house was very large. ’Full of Grandeur, charm and character’; just comma as quoted from Miss Catherine Longe - Lady Longe’s daughter. She was a stout woman - conventionally mannered. Of high social status - as suggested by her title ‘Lady’. Her mother had been of honorary descendants. Her great grandfather bringing in the family’s income; a wealthy ship merchant - successful to a point that his wealth had sealed the family’s fortune for generations to come. Mr Longe had married Miss Marice Shaw - not long after his marriage, however a terrible explicit scandal had broken out. His true manipulative figure was revealed - and he was charged with unorthodox heresy. His false so called so-called seems a tad modern Christianity was discovered to involve both murder and bigamy. And so on the seventh of January 1932 he had been convicted. Resulting in Mrs Longe spending the next twenty years of her life bringing up 5 children. Alone. Eek, is that even a sentence? The photo included her first two children. Catherine herself; and Edward- the boy. The names of the other 3 were printed at the bottom. Charlotte Longe, Hannah Marice Longe and Henrietta Longe. As I passed the letter to Orli I noticed something hard at the bottom. A small object. An air of suspense passed unexpectedly over the room; Should either be new sentence or an 'and' unintentionally I slipped the note into my pocket as I bid adieu to Father and Mother - myself and Orli went to bed.

“Young lady, I intend to find out why you are awake at an hour such as this, so I suggest you turn around and come kneel on the ground by my feet while you explain”.

This seemed a bit unrealistic. A bit stiff and forced.

“Eden never doubt that I care for here - for I have no such attachments to places, the plain fact of you and Orli and your mother is enough for me to immediately move. You do understand that don’t you Eden? I move only for you, you and Orli and your mother are my stars - my stars on a dark night. Shimmering, never faltering to delight and amuse. But most of all. Consistent. Not once have you let me down Eden, I fear not that you will ever. You couldn’t possibly fail me. My world revolves around you Eden. Without you, Orli and your mother I would crumble” a small chuckle added “I’d become delirious!”

Very warm, heartfelt, did not sound cheesy.

“Now child, Goodnight”
“I love you, Eden”

These are both spoken by him, hmm? I don't see why they are on separate lines?

My bedcovers had gone cold by the time I got back, and a draughty wind was blowing outside, but nothing was going to put me out of my high spirits. Not the twigs tapping wildly on the window nor the storm evidently brewing in the distance. The sky was sable black. A few stars twinkled. And as I looked at them I saw father wink at me, his star glittering ferociously as he reminisced over the good times - and looked towards the better times.

Nice imagery except for the 'few stars twinkled'. Comes across a bit amateurish.

“Orli?”, Can't have comma after question mark. That comma needs scrapping she asked infuriately.

It was a dreary day following the day of our arrival. Repetition of 'day' not advisable The despondent sky was devoid of a sun lovely, with alliteration, and the bubbly white clouds again, very nice which posed in many of the pictures indoors were nowhere to be seen. The sky was a bland grey, a placid colour of little interest to my eye. Catherine had left as promised before I had aroused from my sleep. The house held many a spectre to ponder over; but father had insisted that we start exploring outside first. Many days in England were worse than this one - and he wished us to familiarise ourselves with the houses’ surroundings. The house overlooked the moors - our bedroom being of prime spot in sight of them. Good, the moors. I hope they feature well in the next installment. After all, they are a great setting as we well know The Longes had obviously left in a hurry, the out buildings being fully equipped with their belongings, the stables even still containing a single mare named they gave her that name or what? How did they name her name? Sandy. Sandy was a tall beast - with ashen brown fur and sallow yellow eyes. Her coat was rough, and not in good order. She had a fine temperament; allowing us to pet her gently, but her moods had a tendency to change rapidly. Her nostrils flared out wildly when she was angry. We had angered her but once - the very first morning when father had entered to feed her. He had stocked some new bales of hay in a stall beside hers and opened the door for her to enter. She had become most irate very suddenly. The edges of her hoofs clashing off of the stone floor - wrathful nays coming in uneasy rags from her mouth. Father had moved the bales into her own booth and she had happily retaliated to the depths of her home to eat the bales with gratitude. Upon finishing she walked forward to father , and leaned her vast head against his in an attempt to reconcile, and put father on better terms.

In brief

Very promising. It kept up to the same standards as the first installments, along the same vein. I'm glad to see that grammar was better this time. There was of course the slight issue of the semi-colon, and you using it when a comma would have sufficed. If anyone that was the worst of the flaws, and so in that way who cares. I loved the introduction of the Longes, however I did wonder if you were just stepping onto safe ground with an area you are so comfortable in. The classic, Gothic genre is so enticing though!
At times it was a little bit stilted, but the language was perfect. My only qualm would be that Eden has such a grown up voice for an 11 year-old. It's narrated in the past-tense so it could be her older self speaking, but her dialogue is very mature. We can ignore that though, in a novel. I mean, just think of Jane Eyre at ten when speaking to Aunt Reed. Better vocabulary than many adults.
I thought their going to England should been been a new chapter. Chapter five I felt needn't have been. Something so pivotal as moving to another country, I thought, deserved a new chapter. But there you go.

Thanks for the lovely read.

Lauren

Aw, thankyou Lauren, you rock
Me and semi colons have slight *disagreements* to say the least The chapters are very unorganised hehehe basically, it needs a load of revision. Thanks so much to everyone that's helped with these chapters xD Particularly Sarah and Lauren, youu rockk
xD
xoxo