what can you see

'tell me,' she whispers
'what you see.'
and casts her empty eyes

I shrug. 'mountains, trees,
the city.'
but her pale hand takes mine

'that's what's there,' she says
with a nod
'but tell me what YOU see.'

hesitant, I say
'the clean-cut
smile of winter dawn.

the city sweeping
away the
traces of night and sleep.'

she squeezes my hand
and whispers
'you see a lovely world.'

and I squeeze her back
and reply
'only because it is.'

with breaking voice she
confides
'I don't want to be blind.'

I just squeeze her hand
once more
and make a little vow

'it doesn't matter
I don't mind
seeing the world for two

'Not when the best thing
I can see
Is sitting next to me."

A/N: yes, cheesy, I know. And bad. Rip it to pieces!

lol, you're right; it is cheesy. But that doesn't mean it's bad. I, for one, liked it.

This is a poem that requires two readings; the first time around, I was wondering, "empty eyes? Huh?" then got it later on. It's good to have a poem reveal layers the more you read it.

The most awkward line I found was: "'that's what's there,' she says". Specifically, "that's" next to "what's" breaks the flow up a little. I'm also not quite sure if the 'she says' bit is needed. But you use it to roll into the next line, so maybe it is.

Overall, I did like it because you don't resort to forced rhyme schemes or meter. You allow the poem to let itself flow rather than forcing it, and that's not so easily done. The ending is indeed cringe worthy, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Here, it almost worked, and I say almost only because the last stanza is the first hint that there is a deeper relationship between the two characters.

Good job and best of luck.

OMG. I got reviewed by Nate.

My dreams have been realised!!!

lol, thanks. And yes, it is cringey, I concur.

Hey there!

'tell me,' she whispers
'what you see.'
and casts her empty eyes

The last line of this stanza bugs me because it seems grammatically weird so it throws me off. I'm just left thinking "On what?" even though I realize she doesn't... perhaps you could move it around. casts her eyes on emptiness, maybe? I just feel like it needs something.

Even though the end is corny, I do like it! It's sweet. I think some of this has a lot of power, but the insistence on dialogue tags crushes it. For example, this stanza:

with breaking voice she
confides
'I don't want to be blind.'

What she says is so strong that "breaking voice" and "confides" isn't needed. You could say "she says, 'I don't want to be blind'" or even 'I don't want to be blind'. The lack of much more strengthens the emotion. I really think you should go through the whole poem and try to strengthen the emotions they have, those ones particularly. Try to clear out the unnecessary. I see this as a wonderfully minimal poem.

I think the last part would be better if pared with the fact that the speaker thinks the world is beautiful. I honestly thought he would say something like, the world is beautiful because you're in it, and even though that is corny, it would work! But you may do what you want. ^^

Hope this helped! If you have any questions feel free to message me.

OMGOSH I love it!!! reminds me of how sad I was when that girl in little house on the prarie (or whatever book it was, something of the kind) went blind. My favourite verse is the last one. I'm actually feeling sad now. I love how it was set out; unusual and refreshing. Original. Twas good. I'm gold starrin.

Ohmygosh, a Stella thingy! I sooo totally have to review this even though I have nothing much to say xD

So, the thing about your poems is how simple they are. You don't need to use all pompous words and stuff, to make it simply very easily related to and so very emotional. Just like that other one I loved that had the parenthesis and the conversation going on. Very simple and clean, but still powerful in meaning.

There were only two simple things bothering me: the all caps on the 'you' part (italics, maybe?) and the all repetition on squeezing hands xD Yep, it bothered me because it felt like it was standing in my way to finishing the poem. Like it was there just to be there, words filling space. And as Suzanne mentioned, you make go all 'cast her eyes on what' at that part.

Side note:

with breaking voice she
confides
'I don't want to be blind.'

Flow. Sketchy and stuff xD Maybe put the she with confides?

Anyway, glad to review. Thanks for posting!
- Kat

There was a sparse quality to it that I liked. Yes, the final stanza kind of tilted the whole thing on a slightly unflattering angle...but the lines I really enjoyed were the two descriptions the narrator gave to the blind person (regarding the winter dawn and the city). That was a stellar moment.

Thank you for sharing this with us!

––antimelrose

A note right now I am not very good at reviewing poetry, but I will make this quick and simple.

I really liked the poem in itself, I felt each part was laid out very well. Definitely upload another piece of poetry for us to read. This was an amazing piece that I will star and hopefully you get featured so that a larger portion of YWS will look at it.

~DayDreams

Hello you!

Okay, yes, it was cheesy, I agree; but it was cheesy in a different, unique way.

I like the way the lines are set up and the rhythm.

I notice there's a lot of hand-squeezing? Three times? Well, first, it's a "taking the hand," but the next two times it's a "squeezing of the hand." I'd change one to maybe caressing the hand.

I can't say I'd change much else. Star!

Take care!
Van

Awwww, I liked it, so yeah it was a bit cheesy but hey it was well written.

It was exceotionally cute so a gold star for you. I love the way you described the city and then described how the character saw it, I thought that worked really well. So yep it was cheesy but NO!! It wasn't bad.

Well Done,
Keep Writing

~Lydia

Stella! Okay, now that that's over...

I got chills while reading this.

I think you conveyed a beautiful message here. You spoke like a true transcendentalist. You described nature for not what you see, not what the typical eye sees, but what nature really IS.

When you said 'I don't want to be blind' is when I got my tingles. Of course. haha

But really, it is a lovey dovey thing, and I still liked it. No one likes love poems because they are too cliche, whatever, but I love them! And you put a new twist, and didn't come right out and say 'I love you.' No, you showed us.

Wonderful job, keep writing.

Classy

Hi Stella,

This is a lovely piece. It flows well and is very effective. I like the snatch of dialogue. I think that the others have caught the few little bumps, so I really don't have much to say! I'd look at;
"'the clean-cut
smile of winter dawn".
It's a lovely image but I think it's overdone and doesn't slot smoothly enough into the rest of the poem.

I liked;
"I don't mind
seeing the world for two".
It's a simple but powerful statement and sounds natural.

I think the ending is too sweet, but that's just a personal taste thing.

A very enjoyable read overall.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hey, I'm Mo, and I'll be reviewing your poem!

I know it's cheesy, you know it's cheesy, but I for one, like cheesy.
I liked this poem, especially the fact that she is blind, and the part about looking deeper into the world, to not state what is there, but what can be seen, if you look for it. I think that the cheesy ending isn't really even needed, but I like the fact that she helps him see what is really there, even though she can't see herself. It's really sweet, and I think it brings a special feel to the poem, without the other stuff (romantic).

I liked it.

Keep writing!

~Mo.