Cassidy (Part 2)

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Last edited by Carlito on Wed Jul 06, 2011 4:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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This was good, but I think you shouldn't stray to far away from the main theme. They were going to perform at the festival. I think it was nice that you told us what they were wearing, but I think you could've added a bit more after all that, like playing at the festival.
When Kenn found out about this he was so excited I’m surprised he didn’t pee his pants.

This sentence would make more sense if it were two. When Kenn found out about this he was so excited. I'm surprised he didn't pee his pants. This sounds better.
“What a great opportunity to get to know some of the people here and start getting some fans.” I tried not to roll my eyes.

I think maybe this should've been indented into it's own paragraph if this is what Kenn said in present time. If you were flashing back to something he said then I think it's okay where it is, although it might have to be italics.... Hmmm, sorry that didn't help did it? I think i just confused myself.

It was probably at least 90 degrees outside so my usual skinny jeans would be a 'no'

This hould have the little quote signs.
Besides all of this it was really good. Oh, and you use a lot of commas. I think it's force of habbit because some are in places where they're not needed.

*Sorry if I was really harsh...*

-Moony :D
If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life




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Thanks so much! :)
No, you weren't too harsh, it's all helpful :)

Yeah, the performance is coming in the next section which I'm working on right now :D

I really like your avatar, it's really cool, and kinda goes with mine :)

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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I want to beta read your novel!


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Hey tn,
I liked how you started the second half of this, but I think you should've described more how she was feeling. Was she nervous, relaxed, or ready to puke when she was singing?
“Hey. We’re Addix.” And I really don’t want to be here.

After the dialogue, you had a thought which should be in intalics. I think it would've been really cool if you had typed some of the lyrics. All you told us was that she played her favorite songs.....what were the songs? What were the lyrics? Use more detail.
Please someone just shoot me.

This is also a thought and should be in italics.
THE BITCH BRIGADE
Whoriffic: (adj.) the act of being such a complete and utter whore that you no longer realize or care that you are a complete whore.

I loved this line, it was so funny! :D
The remaining four girls were all the dumbest blonde girls in dumbville.

'Blonde' should have an 'e' at the end.
They were all extremely similar; it was like they were clones of each other or something.

You don't really need this at the end. Overall, nicely done! :D

-Moony

P.S. Thanx for the avatar compliment. I looked everywhere for it; I like yours, too.
If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life




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Major. Score. :D

Awesome! All I have to say. Well, no, actually.

Stripy socks with THAT outfit? and socks in sand... lol, not my thing. ;)

Great, keep it up!
Mutant Plot Bunnies

Is it just me, or are the plot bunnies taking advantage of my ADD?

OmnomnomRandomPlotDetourOmnomnom

Right.



If you have a dream, you have a duty to make it come true.
— Marco Pierre White