wheat in Texas

my father was a gracious man
in summer's endless fields
he ripped down wheat in a place where
"even beyond all the colors," he said
"all Texans will never be the same."

the only freedom he could ever teach me
lay barreled up in the bed of his pickup truck;
trying to keep the sun from my eyes,
I knew those summers held me together
keeping wheat tied down against the busy highway winds,
there was just no damn room for rebellion
pulling up in Mr. bowmen's driveway,
there was "yes-Sir, thank-you-Sir,"
and then the weekly pay.

my father would nod and so graciously smile then
we'd start for home, where he wouldn't look at me the whole way.
but would say to me over and over:
"chevy, there are parts of this country I've
never been allowed to believe in,
and till you cross border to California or somewhere,
you'll never believe in them either."

Hey there!

This is a good start. You communicated your thoughts well (after a good few reads!) and I thought your lack of punctuation, if deliberate, was a stroke of genius, showing how illiterate the speaker is and their inability to communicate their thoughts properly.

If you wanted to impart a sense of incompleteness in the poem, you achieved it, but there was something missing about this poem. It lacked the punch that other poems I have read had - that quality that makes a poem truly special. I think this was because you used too many 'was/were' expressions and passive phrases, such as here:

"the only freedom he could ever teach me was
barreled up in the bed of his pickup truck..."


Maybe:

"the only freedom he could ever teach me
lay barreled up in the bed of his pickup truck..."

The 'was/were' implies an emotional detachment which you don't want in a poem. It is telling. Find something to replace it, preferably an active verb that pulls the reader into the scene, that SHOWS them the action instead of telling it.

Nevertheless, a good start, well done!

Gahks

7.5/10

Hi there! I'm Dark Angel, and I'll be critiquing your poem today!

So, to start things off, this was a very cute piece of writing. There are a few things I'd like to point out, but overall, I liked the piece. Very nice. (:

The grammar Nazi in me would like to point out that you do need capitals at the start of every line, if not some form of punctuation as well. If you were trying to point out the illiteracy of the main character, like Gahks suggested, then I suppose you could keep that, but it kind of bothered me as I was reading.

Also, there are quite a lot of prepositions and filler words in this piece. Taking out some would make it shorter, but a lot less troublesome to read. For example:

there was just no damn room for rebellion

You could leave out the "just" here, though I like the "damn."

So, this is a great start! Keep working on it, and it can turn into something even better. 8/10, I'd say. Cheerio!

~Dark Angel

Gahks: Thanks. I took your was/were advice. In all honesty, I wrote this poem in the submit box, and didn't revise it at all! The lack of punctuation was definitely deliberate. Such as Chevy referring to Mr. Bowmen as Mr. bowmen. Chevy respected their father's boss enough to call him "Mister," but found no need to respect him so much as an individual (hence the lowercased "bowmen"). Overall, the lack of punctuation was set to imply a sense of incompleteness. I wanted it to feel as if you had walked into their lives without background or grounds for a proper ending..kind of the way a stranger is understood, I guess.

Dark Angel: Thanks for the criticism. I understand about the grammar, but I wanted to imply how improper these particular people were, trying to give it a little local color, without making it too difficult to read. As far as the "just" is concerned, I needed the abrupt, awkward choice of words to drive Chevy's lack of propriety. Usually, I do not use that "just," for I do not find it useful in that context aside from when it is used in spoken language. However, I tried to give this poem a mid-conversation feel. I was going for unconventional and unbalanced. I suppose I was trying to imply characteristics of their lifestyle.

I like this a lot, but reading over it a few more times, I'm not certain I understand it. Haha, this is frustraiting for me because I want to hope that I understand it but I can't be certain. Ah, well, reader interpretation right?

To perhaps give you some idea, here are my thoughts: it seems like the father is pressing his own beliefs onto the child, and though the child won't rebel against them, she feels suppressed by them and would like to live outside of them. I saw her like the wheat. Her father tears her down, but holds her together, and even though she'd like to fly away in the wind she couldn't because of the father. I'm probably not exactly there... but as I've interpreted it, I like it a lot! Also, as I've interpreted, I find the use of "gracious" in the first line to be incredebly ironic and I like it a lot. .... but I could be completely wrong!

The poem just seems overwhlemed with distance, separation, and suppressed freedom. I love it for that. It is so perfectly shown, and the punctuation/capitalization you used was brilliant.

I know, this isn't a review! It's a compliment. But I cannot find anything to pick on. It's wonderful, even if I interpreted it wrong.

Best of luck on anything else you decide to write, and hopefully I will be reading it and enjoying it as much as I did this!

Hey Morgan!

Like Zan, I don't really have anything to pick on either. Then again, we all know I've never done more than just gush over poetry since I don't have the kind of expertise required to be constructive. I'm just a fan.

I like the way you punctuated the poem - with enough stops that your eyes don't glaze over as you try to read it, but not broken up in a necessarily correct fashion. Capitalization was likewise effective:

pulling up in Mr. bowmen's driveway,

there was "yes-Sir, thank-you-Sir,"

Your above explanation about the narrator's father respecting his boss as his boss, but not necessarily as a person was most clearly illustrated here, I thought. He capitalizes the title that he uses to address the man ("yes-Sir, thank-you-Sir,") but doesn't bother with his name (Mr. bowmen).

For being written on the fly, this is very well done. I enjoyed it. Great to see you moving on the boards again!