Kiss of an Enemy

Emma's Diary
8/16/2007


Have you ever wondered what it's like to kiss your enemy? To kiss the person you have loathed all your life? I did.
I have always thought it would taste sour, or feel putrid. I've always imagined it tasting like rotten eggs with fungus...

But it doesn't. It doesn't at all.
It tastes sweet. So sweet, it's addictive.
Like a child’s first taste of chocolate. Like an alcoholic’s first drink after months of living off pale water.

And what I felt? Words can't describe it.
I felt thrilled. Rejuvenated. Weak. Powerful.

Why? I don't know.

Casey Moore and I have hated each other since third grade.
It all started when I stole his snack during snack time in Mrs. Thompsons classroom.

I was in third grade. So young, and hungry. THIRD GRADE.

Then he hit me.
Yes, he HIT me.

Of course, I was horrified, scared and furious. Imagine little Emma, pudgy fists clenched at her sides and face dancing with a glow of bright red.

Then, out came the words from my mouth I regretted from then on.
"At least my DADDY loves ME!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Casey's face turned from red, to purple to white.
I knew why. Casey's father left him when he was born. But it wasn’t that he just left- it was the fact that because of Casey he left. Casey has always been sensitive about it.

That's when hell began.
Screaming, yelling, tripping, pushing, spitting all became part of my life for the next eleven years. ________________________________________________________________

Now I'm seventeen. And I can't believe it's over. It all began (or ended) like this:

I'm walking down William H. Harrison High hallway toward Ms. Anderson classroom.

I'm walking and I'm wondering how I was going to explain to Ms. Anderson my homework is lying in a pile of mud on 22nd street.

I shudder. Casey was going to laugh at me. He was going to laugh, because even though Ms. Anderson thinks I'm lying,
HE will know the truth because he was there.

Yes, he was there. He PUSHED me into the mud.

I sigh and turn the corner. My stomach churns. A few more feet.

"Emma," A familiar voice says from behind me. I freeze and my heart jumps up my throat. I would recognize that voice anywhere.

I spin around and stare. Yes, it was Casey. And here I was, all alone with him in the hallway. Oh God.

He steps closer, separating us by only a few feet. My mind is saying Get out of there! Run!. But my legs feel numb.

And now I’m thinking about screaming but my throat feels dry. Casey smiles and reaches up. I prepare myself for the worst and hope to God I don’t end up in the nurses office again. He touches my arm. I cringe and my heart races. He grins at my reaction--or reflex. But his hand just lingers, tracing over my bare skin with his thumb while firmly holding my arm with the other four fingers.

His eyes sweep over my body, stopping again at my face.
My cheeks dance with red.

I was wearing a clingy gray dress, which clung in all the right places.
It went great with my silky brown hair, baby blue eyes and black pointed flats.

He suddenly takes my arm and pulls me towards him. We were so close I could feel the steady beat of his heart and could hear his shallow breathing. He whispers something softly but I don’t hear because I’m focusing on the way his hand is around my waist. I hear murmurs like “…sorry…you…,”

And then he touches my face and kisses me. Hard at first, then gentle.
I gasped but didn't let go. My arms encircled his neck, holding tighter.

Hey Berry, welcome to YWS!
I will be happy to review this for you in exchange for one small thing, make two reviews
We like to keep a 2:1 ratio on reviews to stories here so once you've made at least two reviews on anything in the literary forum just send me a PM and I'll be happy to look at this for you!

-Carly

Wow. This is really good. You're style of writing is gorgeous.

Just a few little things to critique:

I felt thrilled. Rejuvenated. Weak. Powerful.

I really like this line, but the word weak doesn't really fit in here. I know what you were going for, but it seems odd to follow the word weak with it's anytonym.

It all started when I stole his snack during snack time in Mrs. Thompsons classroom.

Grammar here. The classroom belongs to Mrs. Thompson, so you need to show possession with an apostrophe: Mrs. Thompson's classroom.

I knew why. Casey's father left him when he was born.

Sorry, this sentence made me roll my eyes. Father leaving because of a birth. Yes, it happens, but it is soooo cliche.
This whole scene also does nothing to increase your character's likeability. She does not sound like a very nice person. If you're going for that, fine. But if your MC is supposed to be "good", the reader should like her.
Maybe they should be enemies because of something else- something that doesn't make Emma seem heartless.

So all in all this was good. But it seems like the romance began way too fast.

Good job!
Hoped this helped,
Sakura

Have you ever wondered what it's like to kiss your enemy? To kiss the person you have loathed all your life? I did.

It reminds me of those test essay questions we had in elementary school, when teachers would tell us to rephrase the essay question in the form of a question. "Have you ever...?", "Do you wonder...?", "Did you know that...?"

It's a cliche beginning, basically.

I felt thrilled. Rejuvenated. Weak. Powerful.

Guess which word does not belong...

It went great with my silky brown hair, baby blue eyes and black pointed flats.

A laundry list of descriptions, which is quite frankly unattractive in literary context. Try to disperse this information throughout the short story, yes?

Now I'm seventeen. And I can't believe it's over. It all began (or ended) like this:

From here on, I'm sort of scratching my head and saying, 'Well, what happened in between?'. You never told us what reason he had for kissing her, no transitional plot whatsoever. Basically, this short story is "Make enemies, then kiss." What happens in between? Why does he kiss her? All the good stuff is gone. It's like a reader who reads the beginning of a book, then turns the next page only to discover that someone cut out the entire middle of the book, and a few pages left at the end. Or, since I'm sort of hungry right now, an Oreo cookie without the filling.

This could be 12782347819023 times better if you add some events that lead up to the kiss.

His eyes sweep over my body, stopping again at my face.
My cheeks dance with red.

He suddenly takes my arm and pulls me towards him. We were so close I could feel the steady beat of his heart and could hear his shallow breathing. He whispers something softly but I don’t hear because I’m focusing on the way his hand is around my waist. I hear murmurs like “…sorry…you…,”

And then he touches my face and kisses me. Hard at first, then gentle.
I gasped but didn't let go. My arms encircled his neck, holding tighter.

Now this is what I've been looking for in this section! Extremely well written and true to life!
If you develop this story, this forbidden love motif can take off! Good luck =)

This sounds like an essay.

Start it out like, "I don't much like mud. Haven't ever liked it, really. And today the most amazing thing happened. A nasty, stupid, horrible boy shoved me as hard as he could into the mud and I lost my homework along with the color of my shoes; they used to be yellow." I have more, but I don't want to ruin the fun of re-writing it. It's a funny idea and you're not a bad writer, this just needs to be majorly edited.

The end was also horrifying. He just walks up and kisses her. If she were a real person, she would hit him or kick him or say something that might start a conversation that could lead to what happened. But she stands there like a piece of cardboard.

The whole, "I loved you all along" thing is pretty old. So make up a funny, interesting reason for him to kiss her. For instance, he was laying in bed the night before and his little brother came into the room and asked him why people only kissed people they liked. And so he instantly becomes curious and, instead of realizing that people don't really like to touch people they hate, he just decides to find out if something really wild happens when you kiss someone you don't like.

And PLEASE don't make her amazingly hot. You can make her attractive--everyone is attractive in their own way, really--but try to original and describe her in a way that might actually cause the reader to be interested in her. You'd be surprised at how much better the story will seem.

Anyway, I liked the idea--even though I don't generally have any interest in romance--and I think you could make it really good, if you wanted. Good luck with this and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Hey, Berry. Before I start on my review, I must remind you that there is a rule here at YWS. You must review two other people's work before you post one of your own, like I am doing right now. Don't worry, I made the same mistake when I first signed up But next time you sign on, just make sure you do that before you post again.

Okay, on with the review

"Emma," A familiar voice says from behind me.

When you write dialogue, you have to lowercase the word after it, like so: "Emma," a familiar voice says from behind me." Just remember that for future use

~ ~ ~ ~

Wow, that was super cute. But I don't exactly favor the diary style just yet I think it's just me being selfish, wanting more detail about everything, but I think that if you ever decided to stray away from the diary style, start out the story with her thinking about her homework in the mud and then have her think of Casey and her bad memories. Then rush forward to the present again and to the kiss.

Otherwise, I thought it was a nice, very different story, and different is always good

Keep on Writing! And if you ever have any questions, PM me and let me know!

Aww...that was so sweet.
I'm a sucker for those hate-love stories.
But the story seemed to progress a bit too fast at the end.
He had just pushed the girl into the mud and ruined her homework,
Next he's kissing her in the deserted hallway.
I would be much more fun if you described how the feelings developed over a longer period of time,
And also more scenes where they bully each other XD Some comedy for us.
Oh, and describe what Casey looked like too!
But I loved it overall, beautifully written

P.S: Remember the rule in YWS, that for every work you post up, 2 reviews must be given to other people's works. Quid pro quo

And here I was, all alone with him in the hallway. Oh God.

Never start a sentence off with 'And,' it would make it a sentence fragement.

Wow! This was really a very interesting piece! The him liking her was was a little confusing, though......WHY does he suddenly turn out to be in love with her? It might just be me wondering this, I don't know. Otherwise, ti seemed rather cute. You should lengthen this, maybe make it a short story or something like that

Hello there!

I did really enjoy this but I think you're not taking advantage of what potential this story has. You really should think about making this longer and have paragraphs because it just all seems like it went by too fast. Why would he kiss her? Other than that, this was a good start and if you decide to add more to me please feel free to PM me.

Ta,

~Angel

its very well written and u leave it at a very well written clifhanger. that gives u room to continue Emma's entry or you could write the entry from Casey's point of view. was he humoring her, was he trying to get in her head, or does he really love her? that is the thing i would love read.

Okay. I really, really, like this story. It's got a really unique storyline. I hope you write lots more of it soon. The only thing is that in some spots, you should put punctuation, and

My mind was saying Get out of there! Run!

right there, you should to either put her thoughts in italics, or put quotation marks. Hope this helps!
I look forward to reading more! ~S.C.