Screa, For Halloween

Scene 1

(Mia and Steve walk around the mall)

Mia: They’re out of vampire costumes. That just ruins my whole Halloween.

Steve: Be a cheerleader or something lets go.

Mia: Fine, let’s just get the outfit and go.

(Mia walks up to the witch)

Mia: Ugh, she’s the ugliest witch I’ve ever seen.

Steve: She’d be perfect for you.

Mia: (puts hands on hips) Excuse me?

Steve: I-I mean it’s scary and it’s perfect.

Mia: Steve, shut up.

(Mia punches the witch and walks away)
(Steve stares at it and walks away to, the witches eyes follows him)

Steve: Let’s try another store.

Mia: No, Lexus got her costume from here and her costume is awesome.

Steve: Halloween is going to be over when you find a costume.

Mia: Lexus’s party starts at 8:00, we have an hour.

Steve: A party? You didn’t tell me about a party.

Mia: I knew you wouldn’t come.

Steve: Congratulations, you are right. I’m leaving.

Mia: But Lexus wants you to come.

Steve: (smiles) Really?

Mia: No.

Announcer: Attention, fellow shoppers we will be closing in 5 minutes. Please, proceed to the front or back door. No elevators are working, now.

Steve: Come on.

Mia: Wait, wait, wait. This is the perfect time to steal something. If the elevators aren’t working no electrical systems are working.

Steve: Don’t do it, Mia.

Mia: Steve, we’ll get costumes for free. We’ll just get that ugly witch costume and go.

Steve: I don’t know about this.

Mia: Steve, you just go to the front of this store incase someone comes or the gates start closing down.

Steve: 10 seconds.

(Mia runs into the back and touches the witch costume she starts taking the clothes off, the witch grabs her hand)

Mia: (screams) Let go! Help!

(The witch covers her mouth)
Witch: The ugliest witch in the world you say? Nobody disrespects me and gets away with it.

Steve: Mia, the gates are closing!

(Mia kicks the mannequin she lets go and Mia falls to the ground)
(Steve slides under the gates and looks inside)

Steve: Mia, I’m sorry. I’ll get help.

(Mia bangs into the gate and Steve screams)

Mia: Steve. There’s something in here.

Steve: I’ll get someone.

Mia: No, they will think we were trying to steal.

Steve: We were trying to steal.

Mia: Look, just don’t do it it’s to risky.

Witch: I’m coming to get you.

Steve: Who was that?

Mia: Go to the security room it should open these doors. It should be in the basement.

Steve: Okay.

(Steve runs out)




Scene 2

(Mia looks around the mall and runs behind the counter, she picks up the phone)

Mia: Dang it. There’s no dial tone.

Witch: Count your blessings, child.

(Mia looks around)

Mia: W-where are you?

Witch: (singing) Trick-or-treat smell my feet give me something good to eat. If you don’t I don’t care I will eat you anywhere!

(Mia screams and runs back to the gate, she shakes it)

Mia: Steve, help me! Steve! Steve!

Witch: He can’t help you, now.

(Mia turns around and the witch slowly walks to her)

Witch: How do you like your dinner meat cooked or raw?

Mia: Steve, help me!

(Steve runs to the gate and twists the key in the gate)

Steve: The key isn’t working it-

(The gate opens and Mia runs out)

Mia: Come on.

Steve: We can’t-
(Steve sees the witch walking towards them and screams, Steve grabs Mia’s hand and they run down the mall)

Steve: We should have left when we were told.

Mia: Look, that store is open.

Steve: The candy store?

Mia: Come on.

(Mia and Steve run into the store and hide behind the counter)

Steve: Dear God, Bless my family and-

Mia: Shut up.

(The Cashier taps Mia on the shoulder)

Mia: What?

Steve: What?

Mia: Stop tapping me.

Steve: I’m not tapping you.

(The cashier taps Mia again and Mia slowly turns around)

Cashier: Trick-or-treat.

(Mia and Steve scream and ran out of the store)

Mia: This is all a dream.

Steve: I wish it was. Come on its-

(Mia points to a bunch of mannequins walking toward them)

Steve: One word run.

Mia: Wait, they’re…mannequins.

Steve: Mannequins chasing after us.

Mia: This is some Halloween joke. Okay, you can come out now!

Steve: Mia, I don’t think this is a joke. Let’s go!

(Mia folds her arms and Steve tugs on her)

Steve: Mia, let’s go.

Mia: Fine, I’ve always wanted to be on TV.


TO BE CONTINUED....

Oohhh! Scary! I like it.

Steve: One word run.

Shouldn't this be... "One word. Run!" It sounds better and shows more emotion.
Otherwise, I liked it. Good plot. I like how it ties in with the shoplifting and the scariness.

Most of the time in your playwright, they talked as normal people, but sometimes they didn't.
Make sure that when people are talking, you don't have to use correct grammar and commas as usual people would when talking.

Steve: 10 seconds.

I think it would sound better if you added dialogue more like "Alright. I will give you ten seconds, then I'm gone." or "You better not be more than ten seconds or I'm out of here."

Announcer: Attention, fellow shoppers we will be closing in 5 minutes. Please, proceed to the front or back door. No elevators are working, now.

This should probably be reworded or something, it just sounds kind weird, and broken. Possibly keep the first line, and change the ending to "Elevators are out of order, please make your way to the front."

(Mia bangs into the gate and Steve screams)

Do you mean Mia screams "Steve" or Steve screams but why would Steve scream?

Mia: Go to the security room it should open these doors. It should be in the basement.

Somehow a teenager is able to get into the basement of this building and find a key? The girl knows quite abit about the store.

Mia: Dang it. There’s no dial tone.

This has been done so many times. Should try something different. Does she have a cell phone? possibly she could have been like "I wish I didn't forget my cell phone at home." or maybe she dropped the cell phone somewhere in the store but she doesn't want to go back because of the witch. That could make things more suspenseful.

Witch: (singing) Trick-or-treat smell my feet give me something good to eat. If you don’t I don’t care I will eat you anywhere!

Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don’t, I don’t care, I will eat you anywhere!

Witch: How do you like your dinner meat cooked or raw?

This is bothering me. Should it just be "How do you like your meat, cooked or raw?" I don't know why dinner is in there.

(Steve runs to the gate and twists the key in the gate)

Steve: The key isn’t working it-

(The gate opens and Mia runs out)

You really need to add some more suspense! it feels to plain and simple. Too fast. Possibly some more dialogue or actions.

(Mia and Steve scream and ran out of the store)

Mia and Steve scream and run out of the store.

Steve: One word run.

One word. Run! or One word, Run.

It seems alright so far, you just need to have more suspense. A few grammar mistakes as well, but that's common. Some scenes are just to quick, or just don't have much to say. As long as it has a good twist of an ending, or good theme, then you should be good.

This is an interesting story. I think that it would be very good if you just fixed a couple of things. You might want to add some extra detail as well. Are you adding a third scene?

(Mia walks up to the witch) Mia: Ugh, she’s the ugliest witch I’ve ever seen.

At this point we don't know that the witch is a mannequin, so you might want to reword this. Try "This is the ugliest costume I've ever seen."

(Mia punches the witch and walks away)

What is she punching? A costume? Is the witch a real person? We still don't know that the witch is a mannequin.

No elevators are working, now.

This sounds a bit odd. Try "The elevators are no longer working."

Steve, you just go to the front of this store incase someone comes or the gates start closing down.

In case is two words

(Mia runs into the back and touches the witch costume she starts taking the clothes off, the witch grabs her hand)

Run on sentence. Also, who is taking their clothes off? The witch or Mia? You need to clarify. Try "Mia runs into the back of the store and starts to rip the witch costume off of the mannequin. Suddenly, the mannequin grabs her arm."

(The witch covers her mouth)

You need to clarify. Try "the witch covers Mia's mouth."

(Mia kicks the mannequin she lets go and Mia falls to the ground)

Try "Mia kicks the mannequin, who lets go of her arm. Mia falls to the ground."

(Mia bangs into the gate and Steve screams)

I think you mean "Mia bangs on the gate..." And what is making Steve scream?

Go to the security room it should open these doors. It should be in the basement.

How does Mia know that? Has she read about? Has she seen it on a map?

(Mia looks around the mall and runs behind the counter, she picks up the phone)

I thought Mia was trapped in a costume store. How does she look around the entire mall?

(Mia turns around and the witch slowly walks to her)

Use towards instead of to.

(Steve runs to the gate and twists the key in the gate)

Where did Steve get a key?

(Steve sees the witch walking towards them and screams, Steve grabs Mia’s hand and they run down the mall)

Make this two sentences.

I think the other reviewers caught most of the other mistakes. Other than that, well done! I liked this story and I can't wait to read the next part.

This is an awesome idea. It sounds like a script for a screen-play though, am I right? A bit technologically difficult for theatre, I'm thinking. It would make an amazing short film though!


I loved these two quotes, I thought they were hilarious!!

Jaliayh101 wrote:Steve: A party? You didn’t tell me about a party.

Mia: I knew you wouldn’t come.

Steve: Congratulations, you are right. I’m leaving.

Jaliayh101 wrote: Steve: I’ll get someone.

Mia: No, they will think we were trying to steal.

Steve: We were trying to steal.

Made me laugh!


With this one, is the "Cashier" supposed to be a mannequin here? Why are Steve and Mia afraid of the cashier of the candy store?

Jaliayh101 wrote: (The Cashier taps Mia on the shoulder)

Mia: What?

Steve: What?

Mia: Stop tapping me.

Steve: I’m not tapping you.

(The cashier taps Mia again and Mia slowly turns around)

Cashier: Trick-or-treat.

(Mia and Steve scream and ran out of the store)

Overall, it sounds great and I can't wait to read the rest of it! Keep up the good work!