Behind The Glass

Behind The Glass

Here I stare,

Behind the glass,

My vision so obscured.

I look for truth,

A meaning in my life.

But yet I find nothing,

Nothing but the faults I’ve made.

I stare deeper within this enigma,

And I start to find a clearer picture.

I wipe my hand along the surface,

Terror rushes through my eyes,

My heart beat fades,

For behind the glass,

All I see,

Is only the demon,

Within me.

2007 Vincent Cuccolo

Wow. This poem in really intense. You have such feeling in your words, it's really incredible.

To improve this poem, I'd switch around the descriptive a bit and make it more detailed, particularly where you are describing what happens to you. One line that bugs me is "the terror rushes through my eyes."

Other then that, this is really a great poem. Keep writing!!

-KK

Hey Glow!

You've got a good start here, but the poem needs some work. Here are the two most obvious problems:

1. Shake up the camera a little bit. Show the camera something other than your face. Hey, I think it's pretty, but your words could be better. You have the skeleton of a poem here, but it needs some details. What exactly are you regretting as you write this poem? What so is the source of your angst?

2. Word choice. Like I said, you have a skeleton. Try some metaphors or a simile here and there-- your enigma could be a cave only accessible when the tide is low, or a blue hole that absorbs all the light tossed at it, or what have you. Spice up your language! Poetry is all about leaving a strong taste in the mouth, coming away with something that struck you as breathtaking or thoughtful.

And that's about all I can say at the moment -- in a rush. Do feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions or would like another critique from me.

~Sumi

PoeticGlow wrote:Behind The Glass

Here I stare,

Behind the glass,

My vision so obscured.

I look for truth,

A meaning in my life.

But yet I find nothing;

Nothing but the faults I’ve made.

I stare deeper within this enigma, I think 'into' would work better here instead of 'within'.

And I start to find a clearer picture. 'See' instead of 'find'.

I wipe my hand along the surface, 'Across' instead of 'along'.

Terror rushes through my eyes, Odd word choice, but I can't think of how to fix it. Brain black, grr.

My heart beat fades,

For behind the glass,

All I see,

Is only the demon, You don't need the 'only here.

Within me.

2007 Vincent Cuccolo

Overall, great poem.

Very nice! The poem was excellent although I thought some of your lines were a little to long. The length of them sometimes took away from the rhythm.

For example you said:

Here I stare,

Behind the glass,

My vision so obscured.

I think the last line to make the flow kind of continue, it could've been shorter. How about this:
Here I stare ,
Behind the glass,
vison obscured.
looking for truth,
a meaning in life......

Something I loved about your poem was the intensity. Through every line I fell deeper into a story.

-Moony

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

I'll be sure to take in all of your suggestions, and try to fix this piece up!

-PG

You sure get a lot of reviews...but I've got to say that I read your other poems and they were much better (for my taste)...

Well, just recall that this is an oldie!

Thanks for commenting!

Hey there,

This is an interesting metaphor but unfortunately it seems underdeveloped. The main problem I find with it is that there's way too much telling. Let's look at this passage for instance:

"I look for truth,
A meaning in my life.
But yet I find nothing,
Nothing but the faults I’ve made.
I stare deeper within this enigma,
And I start to find a clearer picture."

In all of this, you're simply stating what the speaker is experiencing - you're telling, summing up. What we as poets strive to do is SHOW the reader what is happening at this particular point in time. As Sumi correctly observes, you could make your word choice more precise and pile in more detail to focus the scene instead of lathering it in vague wishy washy phrases. So taking the above, we might have:

"My palm draws out sweat that wipes
frantically across the white mirror;
it erases the picture of your sapphire eyes
from this life. Instead,
a bitterness clouds my mind:
bitter tears that cascade across
brittle grey glass."

Something like that. I've written this extremely quickly, but you get the idea. Use all of the senses! How many have I used? Where could you put others in? Stick in some colours too: the sapphire eyes, the white mirror, the grey glass. All of these details will help the reader to plunge into the scene instead of staying detached in their seat reading this.

You've got a great start here. Keep working and this'll be great!



Gahks

Hey Glow! June here!

Brilliant poem! I love the structure, it was well done. You drew us into the poem and hold our interest until it's over.

The only nitpick I have is this:

But yet I find nothing,



Nothing but the faults I’ve made.

The repetition of "Nothing" really isn't necessary. Drop it in the second line, and then all flows well. Great poem PG, I liked it alot.


Keep writing!


xxJune

this is very well done! i totally get the deep meaning behind it, ya know? lol you have soooo many reviews it's so funny

you have only minor mistakes, so i dont even need to tell you them! keep up the poetry, i'd love to hear a lot of poems like this one!

~rothwise