WID Excerpt a

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For those of you who have been following this piece, this chapter does not follow immediately after Chapter 8. I will no longer be posting full chapters or in order (as explained in the Chapter 8 post).

Enjoy - any questions PM but I would defiantely appreciate any reviews or advice. If you would like to read the previous chapters to brush up on the story, they can be found in my portfolio.

Cheers ~ Sorsha.


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Faye detested being in hospitals of any kind. Something about the surrounding always made her feel itchy, but if there was anything worse then hospitals, it was this place. Doctor’s poking and prodding, asking all kinds of questions while they watched you over the rims of their glasses, scratching away on their note pads, locking you away in a white room for hours at a time with a two way mirror – watching your every move…Her chest began to burn and it was then realized that she had stopped breathing.
The air she had been holding on to exploded from her lungs and burned her throat. Yup, she loathed hospitals with a passion. After flashing her badge to the heavy set nurse at the waiting station they had been quickly ushered into a small room with a single table, three chairs and two guards stationed near the door. There was a single window at their front which afforded little light as it faced the high wall of the facility. Grimy; dull green colored paint coated the walls, peeling away in corners or near blotchy stains that indicated some kind of water damage. The clock to their left ticked away loudly and was a full ten minutes behind and covered in a wire cage which had once been a steely gray and was now overcome with rust.
Faye began to twitch her leg uncomfortably. She had only been allowed two cups of coffee that morning and had been denied the third once they entered into the meeting room at the hospital. They were not allowed pencils, pens, rulers, glasses…anything hot, or made of a substance that could be broken and potentially used as a weapon. How the hell was she supposed to only function on two cups of black coffee? Especially when it had felt as if she’d been sitting there for three hours when in reality it had only been a good ten minutes.
She hated hospitals.
The door behind them squeaked loudly and Mrs. Claire Bannocks was shuffled in with two other members of the hospital staff. She had been bound with padded cuffs and chains keeping hands and feet locked together allowing minimal range for moment. According to her records Mrs. Bannocks, formally known as Mieko Nigao, had been born in Japan and came to Canada to study for university. There she had married her boyfriend George Bannocks and had three children from the ages of six to thirteen.
Then suddenly, after seventeen years of marriage the woman had snapped and murdered her family. When the police had arrived on scene after receiving complaints from the neighbors who had heard screaming coming form the apartment where they resided, they had found her crying over the corpses of her husband and children, covered in their blood, the flesh devoured from their dead bodies.
Kyle reached into his coat and pulled out a digital recorder and spoke into the device.
“Monday, February 11th 2002, Detective Brennar, Kyle and Detective Sunhill, Faye with interview subject Bannocks, Claire at 2:47pm inside of ‘Hendricks, Paulson & Youtts Asylum for the Mentally and Criminally Insane’.” Setting the recorder before him, Kyle placed his hands on the table and tapped his fingers lightly while he spoke.
“Mrs. Bannocks, my name is Detective Kyle Brennar and this is my partner Faye Sunhill. We’re from the homicide division with the Toronto Police Services. We’re conducting an investigation into a series of murders and would appreciate your help.” Faye assessed the pitiful woman through the tough eyes of a cop. She was somewhere near mid forties but appeared closer to sixty with blotchy, wrinkled skin, sallow complexion, her black hair was limp; streaked grey from age and depression, she simply sat there dressed in a faded navy jumpsuit, her worn and tired face expressionless and eyes fixed on the table.
Faye waited a beat, then another and when the woman had not responded, she decided to try another approach.
“Claire. Mieko…I read the report and I find it interesting that you only stated that you hadn’t killed your family – but you never gave them an explanation. You never told them what really happened.” Faye leaned back in her chair, stretched her legs out and crossed her ankles. “Why don’t I tell you what I think happened and then you can feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. You were home with your husband and children. Perhaps someone came along. A stranger; could have even been someone you thought you knew. You let them in and all havoc breaks loose, this individual or individuals tears everything apart and kills your family before your eyes – you’re helpless to stop it, to save them. And then when all is done and over, they disappear in a wave of black fog.”
Faye knew she had hit home when the eyes that had remained unmoving and empty had shifted, the whites of her eyes grew wide before they carefully slid up and reluctantly met Faye’s.
“The blackness.” Her voice slipped past her lips in a hoarse whisper. “You have seen the blackness?” Faye didn’t say a word but she knew Claire could see the answer in her eyes.
“I never…never told anyone about that…about any of it.” Claire rubbed her arms as if trying to chase away the chill that had been carried with the memory. “Never, never.” She whispered, rocking ever so slightly. “Never, never.” She came to a pause mid sway and her attention zeroed in on Kyle and Faye as if she was seeing them clearly for the first time.
“Why are you really here?” The voice that had been so soft and uncertain was now harsh and cold with an edge of bitterness. “Did Dr. Strominger send for you? Did he ask you to come here – to pry the truth from me for his book? I won’t do it!” She yelled, jumping up from her seat. Immediately the guards came to rush her but Kyle flung his arms out, holding them back.
“We’re okay.” He insisted and felt a small trickle of relief when they backed away and returned to their places. Claire stood there, gripping her head, shaking from head to toe and muttering words under her breath.
Faye wasn’t entirely sure, but it sounded like something along the lines of ‘I’m not crazy.’
“We were not sent by anyone; we’re not here to trick you.” Faye reached into her satchel and pulled out a file. Laying the manila folder on the table she opened it to show the pictures of Laura, Saadia, Zahra and Candice.
“These girls were killed; this one was abducted – and is probably dead now too. The man who attacked them might have something to do with whoever killed your family. I need you to talk to us Claire.”
She stopped muttering, Faye took that as a good sign, slowly the hands that caged her head inched down and frightened eyes peeked through the mass of greasy black hair and skimmed along the photos. When she was back in her seat, Claire lifted each picture in turn and stroked the surface ever so gently with the tips of her fingers.
“So young. So innocent. That what they had said when they killed my children. So young. So innocent.”
“Who?” Faye asked, leaning forwards in her chair. “Who were they, what did they look like? Had you seen them before?” Inwardly Faye was cursing the woman. Details were important at this stage and so far it was like trying to pry teeth out of the loony bin’s head.
“A man. A woman. She was blonde and fair, he was darker and exotic. Beautiful; incredibly beautiful. They knocked,” Claire lifted her hand and curled her fingers into a fist and rapped the air the way she would have done on a door. Her eyes were glazed over and slightly maddened; it was clear to them both that she was reliving the experience while she spoke. “They knocked and knocked, slow and patient until I awoke and answered. I opened the door, I saw them standing there. The moon was bright and when they smiled…I felt so warm. Strangers – perfect strangers, but I was drawn to them. So beautiful. The woman spoke; she wanted me to invite her inside. It was cold she said. They were cold. I don’t know why I said yes. I don’t know why I let them in my home.” A tear slipped down her withered cheek.
“They played with us at first. We’d been brought to the living room – all of us. The woman took my husband, bit into his neck. At first he screamed, but then he stopped. She took off his clothes and raped him. My George. Poor George. Didn’t move, like a statue. The man made me watch her do it. Then he raped me, sodomized me. My children, they were saving them for last. They toyed with us for hours. It felt like days…”Claire titled her head back with a sigh, her body swaying gently.
“What happened next?” Faye encouraged.
“They bled my husband first, with their teeth they cut him and licked up the blood with their tongues. Slow. There was no rush. No need to rush. Then they killed Ada, the eldest, but not before the man raped each of them. Even poor little Thomas; the more they screamed the more he wanted them. He enjoyed it. Their pain was his pleasure. My poor little babies.” The head that had lazily lolled from side to side dipped down; her chin rested against her chest which shuddered with silent sobs.
“I couldn’t stop it. I burned; everywhere burned. When his teeth bit into my shoulder, I felt fire pour into me. Like a fever. I could hear his voice in my head swimming around with my screams, laughing as he raped my babies. But I couldn’t move. I was screaming so loudly but it wouldn’t come out past my lips. My eyes wouldn’t blink, I couldn’t close them. I burned…sometimes I still burn.” She was sobbing so hard snot was dripping from her nose; drool hung from her gapping mouth.
Claire’s hands beat against the side of her head with slow precision as if vainly attempting to beat the images from her memory.
“When they were done with their games, they began to eat their flesh while they were still alive. Their eyes began to glow a savage red and they howled as they ate. The sounds they made…they were monsters…evil. I don’t know why they didn’t kill me. I wish to God they hadn’t left me to live.” In a subconscious gesture Claire scrapped at her arm, tugged on the faded blue sleeve of her jumpsuit exposing her arm riddled with scars that appeared as if she’d torn into her self with her own bare hands.
“They vanished with a mist, so cold, so dark. It moved with a wind that wasn’t even there and carried them away like ghosts. When they were gone I was no longer stuck, my body was free but I still ached with fever. The police found me, with little Thomas in my naked arms. So much blood everywhere. So much blood and the smell…even now I can still smell the stench.”
“Mrs. Bannocks.” Kyle had to clear his throat before he was able to speak with any clarity. “Why did you choose not tell this to the police when they found you in your home that evening? Why you would instead decide to be prosecuted for a crime you claim not to have committed?”
Claire’s sobbing had calmed to mere whimpers; her cheeks and chest was damp from her tears and saliva but the eyes that met Kyle’s were filled with sorrow and guilt.
“Because I did…I killed them. I let them into my home. I killed my family. My fault. My fault. My shame.” According to the court transcripts she’d read on the ride down, Faye recognized those words to have been almost the exact ones Claire had uttered during her hearing and had been the only words she had spoken since today about that night.
That was close to ten years ago.
Claire opened her eyes; they bore into Faye with an unnatural curiosity and understanding and then the woman’s head twitched, an uneasy jerk. Her lips then drew up in a smile, the first she’d seen cross her features.
“You saw the blackness.” She whispered. “You’ve seen them too.” Black eyes linked to Faye’s blue. “The creatures of the night; the ones who walk in the shadows of our world. In it; forever a part of it, but never truly belonging to it. Not anymore.” Claire leaned back, rolled her head around muttering under her breath.
“What is she talking about?” Kyle asked so quietly Faye had barely heard him, but Claire whipped her head in his direction, lips pulled back in a snarl.
“You’ve seen them, we’ve all seen them. Beautiful creatures; we’re drawn to them because they’re beautiful. Helpless, trusting and weak…unable to resist their attractive exterior. But it’s only a mask, a mask to hide their evil.” Once more she turned to Faye.
“But you’ve actually seen them. You know. Deep down, you may not have realized it. But it’s there inside you. It’s always been there Faith.” Immediately she jolted in her seat, stunned beyond belief. She knows my name… for a moment Faye felt herself become that terrified twelve year old girl, standing in her parents bedroom, gun in hand as she lifted it, aimed it at her father’s face. His smiling face, teeth clenched in a grin dripping with her mother’s blood…
“The vampires.” Claire cackled then twitched again, her brows knitted together, sweat collected at her brow. “No – not now. You can’t take me now!” Her body shuddered harder, violently she flayed from the chair, torn between laughter and sobs. The guards rushed from the door, the nurses burst through and Faye sat there simply stunned, even after the nurses pronounced the woman dead and carried her body out of the room, her face contorted into the same deranged smile she’d seen on her father’s face, even after he’d dropped dead…he’d still been smiling…
She knows my name.




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I haven't read other pieces, but I figured since this is a piece of it, might as well provide some help.

First paragraph.

Doctor’s should be Doctors. It is not a single doctor's poking, but broad use for doctors.


The clock to their left ticked away loudly and was a full ten minutes behind and covered in a wire cage which had once been a steely gray and was now overcome with rust.
Faye began to twitch her leg uncomfortably. She had only been allowed two cups of coffee that morning and had been denied the third once they entered into the meeting room at the hospital. They were not allowed pencils, pens, rulers, glasses…anything hot, or made of a substance that could be broken and potentially used as a weapon. How the hell was she supposed to only function on two cups of black coffee? Especially when it had felt as if she’d been sitting there for three hours when in reality it had only been a good ten minutes.


Repetitive use on time and you have two ideas for the reader to grasp in the same paragraph. I'd deal with time and lead into boredom or suicide bit after, but either way splitting it up doesn't work here.

The door behind them squeaked loudly and Mrs. Claire Bannocks was shuffled in with two other members of the hospital staff. She had been bound with padded cuffs and chains keeping hands and feet locked together allowing minimal range for moment. According to her records Mrs. Bannocks, formally known as Mieko Nigao, had been born in Japan and came to Canada to study for university. There she had married her boyfriend George Bannocks and had three children from the ages of six to thirteen.


Good pick with the Japanese name Mieko, meaning 'already prosperous'. Since this seems to be a characters introduction, perhaps you should include more then a cliff-note version of her life.

“The blackness.” Her voice slipped past her lips in a hoarse whisper. “You have seen the blackness?” Faye didn’t say a word but she knew Claire could see the answer in her eyes.
“I never…never told anyone about that…about any of it.” Claire rubbed her arms as if trying to chase away the chill that had been carried with the memory. “Never, never.” She whispered, rocking ever so slightly. “Never, never.” She came to a pause mid sway and her attention zeroed in on Kyle and Faye as if she was seeing them clearly for the first time.
“Why are you really here?” The voice that had been so soft and uncertain was now harsh and cold with an edge of bitterness. “Did Dr. Strominger send for you? Did he ask you to come here – to pry the truth from me for his book? I won’t do it!” She yelled, jumping up from her seat. Immediately the guards came to rush her but Kyle flung his arms out, holding them back.


"The blackness" it doesn't work, its like you were trying to say 'darkness', but didn't want to sound unoriginal. Also this section is good, but you need to space properly for people to read.

“When they were done with their games, they began to eat their flesh while they were still alive. Their eyes began to glow a savage red and they howled as they ate. The sounds they made…they were monsters…evil. I don’t know why they didn’t kill me. I wish to God they hadn’t left me to live.” In a subconscious gesture Claire scrapped at her arm, tugged on the faded blue sleeve of her jumpsuit exposing her arm riddled with scars that appeared as if she’d torn into her self with her own bare hands.
“They vanished with a mist, so cold, so dark. It moved with a wind that wasn’t even there and carried them away like ghosts. When they were gone I was no longer stuck, my body was free but I still ached with fever. The police found me, with little Thomas in my naked arms. So much blood everywhere. So much blood and the smell…even now I can still smell the stench.”


Sounds way familiar, Hellsing perhaps? Anyway, a decent paragraph with emotion, but should be broken up with reactions or exclamations to make it stronger.

“You saw the blackness.” She whispered. “You’ve seen them too.” Black eyes linked to Faye’s blue. “The creatures of the night; the ones who walk in the shadows of our world. In it; forever a part of it, but never truly belonging to it. Not anymore.” Claire leaned back, rolled her head around muttering under her breath.
“What is she talking about?” Kyle asked so quietly Faye had barely heard him, but Claire whipped her head in his direction, lips pulled back in a snarl.
“You’ve seen them, we’ve all seen them. Beautiful creatures; we’re drawn to them because they’re beautiful. Helpless, trusting and weak…unable to resist their attractive exterior. But it’s only a mask, a mask to hide their evil.” Once more she turned to Faye.


Going back to B-movie dialogue and distracting us from real development opportunities. The way you switch between them creates a surreal effect when it doesn't need to and shouldn't be used.

“But you’ve actually seen them. You know. Deep down, you may not have realized it. But it’s there inside you. It’s always been there Faith.” Immediately she jolted in her seat, stunned beyond belief. She knows my name… for a moment Faye felt herself become that terrified twelve year old girl, standing in her parents bedroom, gun in hand as she lifted it, aimed it at her father’s face. His smiling face, teeth clenched in a grin dripping with her mother’s blood…
“The vampires.” Claire cackled then twitched again, her brows knitted together, sweat collected at her brow. “No – not now. You can’t take me now!” Her body shuddered harder, violently she flayed from the chair, torn between laughter and sobs. The guards rushed from the door, the nurses burst through and Faye sat there simply stunned, even after the nurses pronounced the woman dead and carried her body out of the room, her face contorted into the same deranged smile she’d seen on her father’s face, even after he’d dropped dead…he’d still been smiling…
She knows my name.


Expand. Expand. Expand. Such a key moment needs to be taken in detail and not brushed aside. After all this build up you end it on this lame note? This should at least be half a page longer or more, give more of that raw emotion you had before, and use details to really fix this up.

Overall, you have a style and the style conflicts with you on every chance it gets. Dialogue fades in and out of being b-movie to inane filler. Your dialogue has no emotion and is simply used to drive a plot, taking no time for quirks, development or understanding along the way. The reader should not watch the characters watching a scene, the reader should be a part of it, just as the characters are.

This 'the blackness' and repeated cliches drew more lines to break the originality, and depth of your story up. Don't let this happen! Be original.




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Sounds way familiar, Hellsing perhaps?


Huh??? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Either way, I appreciate the review. I will keep your pointers in mind for future.

Cheers.




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Hey, Sorsha. I’m still very disappointed about the whole not posting full chapters but I am still happy that you are still posting at all :wink: I love this story so I’ll continue to be a loyal reader!

Umm, wow, I just finished reading this and I was expecting to do a quote-by-quote review but I found absolutely nothing wrong with this.

I just can’t believe how lifelike you got in your dialogue. It was like I was actually there. You have done wonderfully with this, Sorsha.

Keep on Writing :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Awww thanks Ashleylee. I appreciate the constant support. :)



There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker