Everything Damages

I think I need help with the emotion behind this piece... I feel it, but I'm not sure if others will... any ideas?


Always spin the same direction.
Because they will take you like they took her,
and him and all the rest.
And they will stone you like they stoned down all
your ideas
of perfectly unperfected individualism.
Melt and merge into the half shades
of rusty hope and plastic emotion,
numbness seething fleeting images across
your tattered shadow face.
Pretty flowers.
You don’t now do you?
And all your spindly stems will break,
just like you broke our memories
and washed them down the sink,
dribbling
away with blood from
everything we had inflicted.
It wasn’t just an accident.
You laid the bricks without any mortar so you
knew that they would shift and shake and topple,
and you yourself don’t know what to do when everything you
have is
crumbling.
So you usually just
let them fall.
Well I have a secret to tell you,
and you can’t do anything about it, but
breathe it in your skin and listen to the sound it makes.
It screeches. Breathe it in your skin and taste and feel the colors
of the residue it leaves behind.
Are you ready?
Here it is. You should know.
Know that
everything
everything
everything damages.

1dering at stars wrote:I think I need help with the emotion behind this piece... I feel it, but I'm not sure if others will... any ideas?


Always spin the same direction,
Because they will take you.
As they took her, him and the rest.
They will stone you
like they stone all ideas.
[s]of perfectly unperfected individualism. [/s]
Melt and merge into the [s]half[/s] shades
of rusty hope and plastic emotion,
numbness seething, fleeting images
across your tattered PLace.
Pretty flowers. Huh?
You don’t now do you? Huh?
And all your spindly stems will break,
just like you broke our memories,
washed them down the sink,
dribbling away with blood from
everything we inflict.
It wasn’t just an accident.
You laid the bricks without any mortar so you ...I would like to be your mortar to laid the bricks on.
knew that they would shift and shake and topple,
and you [s]yourself[/s] don’t know what to do
when everything you have is
crumbling.
So you let them fall.
Well I have a secret to tell you, I will tell you a secret
[s]and you can’t do anything about it,[/s] just listen to my trembling voice
[s]breathe it in your skin and listen to the sound it makes.[/s]
[s]It screeches. [/s]
Breathe it in your skin,
taste it and feel its colors
of the residue it leaves behind.
[s]Are you ready?[/s]
[s]Here it is. [/s]
You should know that
everything damages.

Your title: Everything damages...so why did you say it at the end of your poem. I'll give you more advices, but I must go now immediately somewhere...sorry...tomorrow...

Thanks for your help... the only thing is that it completely changes the feel of the poem in my opinion... such as "trembling voice".. where did you get that from? It's not supposed to be weak at all...

As for the title... I took it from the poem. Not based to poem off it, so of course it was a part of it. It just happened to be at the end (:

Hey 1dering. I'm going to do kind of the same thing that darko did, as in, editing it, but I'll try not to change the emotion too much! For some lines, I might also write what I think you mean, since they could be confusing and I want to make sure I have the right gist. So, without further ado:

1dering at stars wrote:I think I need help with the emotion behind this piece... I feel it, but I'm not sure if others will... any ideas?


Always spin the same direction. As in, go with the flow.
Because they will take you like they took her,
and him and all the rest. These are people who tried to be individual and couldn't? This is good, but 'they' is a little confusing.
And they will stone you like they stoned down all
your ideas
of perfectly unperfected individualism. I love this.
Melt and merge into the half shades Okay, here's where the poem goes from warning, as in, this is what they will do to you, to commanding, as in, do this. That's a little strange.
of rusty hope and plastic emotion,
numbness seething what? 'numbness seething fleeting images' is odd. fleeting images across
your tattered shadow face.
Pretty flowers. Again, what?
You don’t now do you? Don't...what? Maybe I'm missing something here, but I'm confused.
And all your spindly stems will break,
just like you broke our memories
and washed them down the sink,
dribbling Nice imagery. I'm not sure that you want the word 'dribbling' on its own, though. It seems like a strange place to emphasize.
away with blood from
everything we had inflicted.
It wasn’t just an accident.
You laid the bricks without any mortar so you
knew that they would shift and shake and topple, I love this metaphor! I've read it about three times already. But ditch the comma on the end.
and you yourself don’t know what to do when everything you
have is
crumbling.
So you usually just 'usually' takes away from the poem. It's like 'almost', one of those words that makes your point weaker.
let them fall.
Well I have a secret to tell you, Not sure about the 'Well' but if you do keep it, you need a comma after it.
and you can’t do anything about it, but
breathe it in your skin I would suggest a new line here. That's just my opinion, but I think it would sound better. and listen to the sound it makes.
It screeches. Good idea, but I'm not sure this sentence works...but I also have no suggestions on how to change it. Breathe it in your skin <--you said this already. and taste and feel the colors
of the residue it leaves behind.
Are you ready?
Here it is. You should know.
Know that I would take out everything from Are you ready? to Know that. It's a little too much suspense.
everything
everything
everything damages. Nice ending...not sure about the italics though.

That was very original and I liked it, also very relatable (especially for young writers). So, my suggestions are above, and one more: Remember the 'it screeches' part that everyone seems to hate? I would rephrase that entire section, since you repeat yourself a little bit, like so:
and you can't do anything about it, but
breathe it in your skin
taste and feel the colors
of the residue it leaves behind.
It's more concise and less redundant that way, and keeps the feeling that you were aiming for, I think. Anyway, enough of my nit-picks! Did I say I loved your use of metaphor? I do. You have a talent with words, and for the most part I understood your emotion-it was a nice read. PM me if you need anything.

Mmmm. This is good stuff you got here. Let us see if I can play a small part in this greatness, shall we?

Always spin the same direction.

Because they will take you like they took her,

and him and all the rest. I agree that the 'they' is vague and confusing. Maybe try, "Because you will be broken like she was and he and all the rest." Actually, that may still be wierd but you get the idea.

And they will stone you like they stoned down all

your ideas

of perfectly unperfected individualism. Hmmm. Wordy. I don't particularily love this.

Melt and merge into the half shades I DO love this, and nearly all that follows.

of rusty hope and plastic emotion,

numbness seething fleeting images across Maybe remove either seething or fleeting...? Theres alot here.
your tattered shadow face.

Pretty flowers.

You don’t now do you? Probably meant to be "You don't know, do you?" Instead of now.

And all your spindly stems will break,

just like you broke our memories

and washed them down the sink,

dribbling

away with blood from

everything we had inflicted. Last three lines seem out of place. Not in words, but in rythym.

It wasn’t just an accident.

You laid the bricks without any mortar so you

knew that they would shift and shake and topple,

and you yourself don’t know what to do when everything you

have is

crumbling. Perfect

So you usually just

let them fall.

Well I have a secret to tell you,

and you can’t do anything about it, but

breathe it in your skin and listen to the sound it makes. I disagree with the other reviews in that I would do absolutely nothing to change this. I find it perfect. Especially the 'breathe it in your skin' line. Amazing. Maybe the only thing is the line "It screeches" I don't like this because the final truth is less of a screech and more of a moan. It's bitter, but also unavoidable and maybe a little releiving because it makes damage less of a fault and more inevitable.

It screeches. Breathe it in your skin and taste and feel the colors

of the residue it leaves behind.

Are you ready?

Here it is. You should know.

Know that

everything

everything

everything damages.

Mmmm. This is good stuff you got here. Let us see if I can play a small part in this greatness, shall we?

Always spin the same direction.

Because they will take you like they took her,

and him and all the rest. I agree that the 'they' is vague and confusing. Maybe try, "Because you will be broken like she was and he and all the rest." Actually, that may still be wierd but you get the idea.

And they will stone you like they stoned down all

your ideas

of perfectly unperfected individualism. Hmmm. Wordy. I don't particularily love this.

Melt and merge into the half shades I DO love this, and nearly all that follows.

of rusty hope and plastic emotion,

numbness seething fleeting images across Maybe remove either seething or fleeting...? Theres alot here.
your tattered shadow face.

Pretty flowers.

You don’t now do you? Probably meant to be "You don't know, do you?" Instead of now.

And all your spindly stems will break,

just like you broke our memories

and washed them down the sink,

dribbling

away with blood from

everything we had inflicted. Last three lines seem out of place. Not in words, but in rythym.

It wasn’t just an accident.

You laid the bricks without any mortar so you

knew that they would shift and shake and topple,

and you yourself don’t know what to do when everything you

have is

crumbling. Perfect

So you usually just

let them fall.

Well I have a secret to tell you,

and you can’t do anything about it, but

breathe it in your skin and listen to the sound it makes. I disagree with the other reviews in that I would do absolutely nothing to change this. I find it perfect. Especially the 'breathe it in your skin' line. Amazing. Maybe the only thing is the line "It screeches" I don't like this because the final truth is less of a screech and more of a moan. It's bitter, but also unavoidable and maybe a little releiving because it makes damage less of a fault and more inevitable.

It screeches. Breathe it in your skin and taste and feel the colors

of the residue it leaves behind.

Are you ready?

Here it is. You should know.

Know that

everything

everything

everything damages.