It is Empty

Yes, this will be my first poem. I have a little problem with the structure in the first verse, because the fourth line is too short. I can't think of anything to fix that, and I want to keep the other verses as they are. Anyway, I'm putting this up.

It is empty here.
Many people, happy, bright.
They speak and laugh,
Full of delight.
It is empty here.

It is quiet here.
With people talking, caring,
All around.
And I just stand there staring.
It is quiet here.

Here, I am alone.
With people packed all 'round me,
Everywhere they play.
And I'm where they cannot see.
Here, I am alone.

WaterVyper wrote:Yes, this will be my first poem. I have a little problem with the structure in the first verse, because the fourth line is too short. I can't think of anything to fix that, and I want to keep the other verses as they are. Anyway, I'm putting this up.

It is empty here.
[s]Many people, happy, bright[/s]. Still, people have bright faces
They speak and laugh,
[s]Full of delight. [/s] Flashing with their lashes,
It is empty here. But, it's empty.

[s]It is quiet here.[/s] People are talking
[s]With people talking, caring,[/s] but it's quiet here.
All around. Everyone is gathering
And I [s]just[/s] stand there staring.
It is quiet here...

Here, I am alone.
With people packed all 'round me, try put "zombies" or some word that describes people as someone who doesn't do anything really important.
Everywhere they [s]play[/s]. They are playing everywhere.
And I'm where they cannot see.
Here, I am alone. ...but no one listens (or sees) me...

My advices:
1. Could the headline be : "Empty it is"?
2. It's a good try for the first time. BTW, my first poem had at least twice more mistakes than your.
3. I lost a little in all that emptiness so I would like for you to give some "sauce" to this poem, some stronger feeling. I mean, you're alone but you don't say if you are happy because of that or sad.
4. Feel free to PM me when you need more help.
5. P.S. Welcome to the poet section of YWS.

Hola!
& a late welcome to the poetry section to you!

Okay, so a lot of what first came to mind, darko already nailed. However, there are a couple things I would suggest.

1. Is there a different way you could word things so that it doesn't seem so redundant. Your stanzas aren't very long, so to have the same lines that close together just gets to be boring.
2. I agree with the above reviewer, tell us how you feel about all this. Are you happy? Sad? Apathetic? See, we don't know.
3. Try to expand a little or add a few more stanzas, because at the end of your poem, a reader is going to think, "Okay, what was the point of this again?" there's hardly any detail. If you don't want to lengthen it, try to look for stronger words, words that are just going to make us feel for you.
4. All in all, a wonderful first shot. Poetry is hard to do than just plain story-writing sometimes because while a book may have hundreds of pages to convey a message, poetry usually only has a few lines.

~ Eden

Your poem seems to speak to me as I imagine it must to many. When someone sees people happy, all around them and they feel empty, and a great longing is inside of them to know that happiness, to be full of it.

"It is empty here.
Many people, happy, bright.
They speak and laugh,
Full of delight.
It is empty here."

I really like the repitition, it gives a real feel to the pain, the emptiness. Keep writing, it seems you have a real gift for it.

Hello WaterVyper! I like your poem, especially the first stanza, actually. I like all the contradictions too-I'm not sure that you need 'but' to get your point across. I think I get what you are feeling (I hope I'm right) something like numbness? If that's not what you were trying to convey, then yes, you do need some more feeling here. And the other thing I would suggest is more description. Use some really strong images (like what darko suggested with 'zombies'). This might add even more to the contradiction to the poem, which I think would work well. Anyway, keep writing, because this was good whether you edit it or not. PM me if you need any more help.

Hey there!

For a first poem it isn't so bad.

What is interesting to me that "here" where it is empty is a really important piece of the poem but you never say where this place is, or what it is like other than quiet and with happy people. Sure, "here" could be everywhere, but then why be specific with "here"? Just something to think about. ^_~

I agree that you should be more specific with your details. For example, you say that people are happy, but happy is such a relative and vague term. Instead of telling that someone is happy, can you show us someone being happy, and how the speaker isn't? Can you show us how the speaker is quiet there? Quiet could also be defined in so many beautiful, poetic ways, and I think because it is so important to your poem you should give a bit more detail, so that the reader can feel the silence too.

I hope this helps!