Dragon Trek Please read

2 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 300
Reviews 0
Dragon Trek
Chapter 1
“Hello there” said a deep velvet voice, I rose my head and I saw Bellomi come over, I relaxed and I gave him a bright smile, “oh, hello Bellomi”. He sat down on the grass beside me and looked down at me “Why are you here all by yourself, why are you not with the tribe”? I laughed softly “I didn’t want to be with them for now, I wanted to be alone”. I looked up at the mountains, “they are up there”, I gestured and Bellomi looked at the mountains also and smiled, I grinned “and besides I’m not alone now am I”, I said lovingly and I bunted him with my head.
Bellomi laughed and put his paw on my shoulder “ah true now”. I sighed and looked up at the mountains again and a thought crossed it.
“Bellomi” I asked and he looked down at me “yes what is wrong”? He asked and I laughed, “Can you imagine the future”? Bellomi looked confused then said, “Why should I”? He softened then said, “I guess I’m more focused on the present than the future”, he said softly “but if I ever did, I want it to look like this”. He waved his paw, a vision appeared in front of us, and it showed me with him and a little dragon sitting in front of us. I laughed, pointed at the little one and said, “Is it a boy or a girl”? I asked and Bellomi laughed “A boy” he said and I mocked offended “I want a girl”, we laughed and I settled down again. This future thing was on my mind now, I felt excited, and I looked at my mate “show me the future” I said and Bellomi laughed” you know I cannot show you the entire future but I will try. Again, he waved his paws and I saw a flash of blue sparks and I saw blackness seeping in, then I saw a grey land, everything was dead and then I saw a flash of different colours. When this all finished I looked up at Bellomi feeling a little scared “is that my future”? I asked my voice trembling a little and Bellomi nodded looking mystified “that was different” he said. I looked at my paws and I felt scared “I saw blackness seeping in, like I was in an enclosed space and everything drifting away”. I shuddered then I said “ I saw a grey land, it looked so forgotten and barren, nothing was alive at all”, I sat up and Bellomi hugged me and I sighed “ I don’t feel excited anymore”, I whispered and all Bellomi could do was nod and offer his presence to his beloved mate.

Chapter 2
“Hello my friends,” I said leaning over to my friends and hugging them. Genevieve smiled “hmm hello Jess, how are you”? I pulled back and I saw Akira talking to Bellomi and no doubt Bellomi was telling him about my future, when they turned around they came to me and I greeted Akira warmly, glad to have my friends back.
I stood up and I stretched out my wings and limbs and smiled quite sleepily to them and Genevieve pulled me forward, “wait Jess, we can’t go back to the tribe just yet”, I looked at her “why, what are we doing? Akira smiled and I looked at Bellomi who was also smiling and I realised that they were hiding something from me and no doubt, it was a surprise. I laughed, “Alright what are we going to do guys”? Akira grabbed my paw and pulled me “quick” he said, “Follow us”.
We reached the cliff, by then the sun had done its round, the sky slowly turned dark, and the stars twinkled on the black sky. We walked along the long lush green grass and we then stopped at the edge looking over all the dark valleys and over in the equine valley we saw the soft yellow light given off by the lightness horses sleeping in the far corner out of harms way from the predators in the dark. Somewhere in the distance, we heard an elemention dog howl sounding ever so eerie and we heard more join in union until it sounded like a choir then it all stopped.
I looked up at the sky and it was all dark and the stars scattered throughout the sky they all streamed all the way and seemed to touch the very beginning of the earth, I breathed in the air deeply the fresh air filling my lungs quickly and I saw Genevieve walk up and she cleared her throat.
“err hey Jess” she said, I turned to her and she reached in the socket beneath her throat and pulled something out I saw a glint in the moons rays and I saw it was a necklace, the pendant was a big double star ruby. There was also engraved letters on it, every starting letter of everyone in the ruby tribe. I felt like bawling my eyes out (I was very sensitive at the time). “Oh thankyou Gen” I said hugging her ‘it’s lovely, I love it”. Genevieve beamed and I heard Akira step towards me with Bellomi and I looked at them an Akira pulled something out also and he said “hey umm me and Bellomi made this one for you, he handed me a frame and I took it and had a look “hey” I said “Akira there is no picture in it”. Akira looked at Bellomi and Bellomi smiled “hang on Jess”. He ushered Genevieve to us and he followed and he stood next to Akira and then he slapped his paws together and out of the corner of my eye, I saw his crystal gleam and then I saw a little spark hovering in front of us. I looked at it and it turned to a blue then it exploded and left a little trail of glittering dust lying on the grass. “Look at the frame Jess,” said Bellomi and I took his word and looked down at the little decorated frame and I saw a picture in it. I saw Genevieve and me smiling, Bellomi was not smiling normally and Akira was being a goof and had pulled a funny face. I laughed and went to him “thanks Akira” I said hugging him “oh I don’t know what I will do with out you”, Akira laughed “oh I feel so loved by you Jess”. I giggled and I heard Bellomi chuckle, “that photo will not disintegrate like your other photos, I put a special spell on it so it will not be destroyed by natural causes or the natural elements”, I smiled then looked at my friends “hang on why are you doing this for me, it’s like you wont see me again”. Genevieve laughed and said “ah Jess it’s just a sign of our friendship ok”. I nodded “alright” I went quiet and that vision of blackness came into my thoughts and I shuddered, though it was a fairly warm night I felt freezing cold all of a sudden.
“Jess” said Bellomi coming over to me “are you ok”? I glanced up at him and nodded “yes” I whispered, “I-Yes I’m alright”, I saw Genevieve and Akira walk up looking concerned “are you sure Jess? you have gone pale of a sudden”, I shook my head “no I’m fine everyone honestly”, but my family did not look convinced though. We went to the edge and I heard Genevieve sigh looking up at the mountains “I tried to look for Komoka again”, I went to her and put my paw on her shoulder “oh Gen its ok” I heard Akira snort “ah Genevieve, Komoka bailed out on us he’s probably dead by now”. “Akira” said Genevieve shocked “how dare you”, she rose to her feet and lifted her clenched paws prepared to inflict harm on Akira but I pulled her back “Genevieve please, you know we do not fight within our tribe”. Genevieve hesitated and put down her paw then she sounded teary “oh now I’m upset, I should not have brought that subject up”. I glanced at Bellomi who looked sad. Komoka was an emerald dragon whom we grew up with, we were all very good friends and Genevieve had loved him intensely. Komoka was funny and friendly then all of a sudden he disappeared, bailed out on us and was never to be heard of again and this had upset Genevieve so much it still hurt her when she thought about him and she often went out to the mountains to seek the majestic emerald dragon. Though we did not tell her Bellomi, Akira and myself have decided that he has passed on and never to be seen again but we had never told Genevieve or she would have hated us for saying that about our friend.
I walked back and I saw the silhouette of the mountains, I often wondered what was up there and I sighed and looked at Bellomi “I think we should get back it’s getting late anyway”. I turned and started to walk away and my family followed and we walked back to our valley, the dragons were all asleep and I didn’t realise we spent so long away from them it must be very late for Tristian and Cleo to go to sleep.
I hugged my family goodnight and soon we all were nestled in our spots and soon we all nodded off except me who took longer and then I finally closed my eyes seeping into darkness.

Chapter 3
I awoke very early the next morning and I got up, the sun was barely up and I saw my family still asleep, except Akira who was sitting on his spot watching the sun coming up. I went up behind him and he spun around and he smiled “oh hey there Jess” he whispered, I put my paw on his shoulder and we watched the sun come a little more and then the mountains caught my attention and I pulled Akira’s head towards them. I started to walk towards them. Akira followed me, and I put out my wings, “it is my only chance” I whispered to Akira “Bellomi won’t let me go otherwise“. I lifted off, my powerful wings carrying me and I soared off the earth. Flying always thrilled me and I loved to fly around, I saw Akira lift up next to me and I laughed and spun around him spinning around and we raced off towards the mountains.
“Whew Jess you know how to have fun don’t you?” gasped Akira “I haven’t had a workout like that for ages”. I grinned at him “it always excites me”. I walked off down a rocky path leading from a river, it was narrow and Akira had to walk behind me. The sun had risen by then and I heard rumbling and booming, I looked behind me and looked at Akira who shrugged and I walked forward. I saw a cleared out piece of the mountains I saw a flash of green and red/gold run past in front of me. I heard voices and I heard “ah come on you stupid skink you have to help”, I heard another voice (belonging to the dragons that ran past me). “Aww come on Aster it’s unfair you’re the skink”.
I backed fast right into Akira who grabbed me feeling alarmed just like me. I looked at him with fear in my eyes “there are other dragons in this mountain”, just as I said this a I heard a voice ring out “hey there are 2 red dragons here”, I spun around and I saw the green dragon looking at us “who are you?” he demanded. I stood fast to the spot and the green dragon eyed me suspiciously “Jess, RUN” yelled Akira pulling me “get out of here”. “Akira” I yelled “here” I grabbed his paw “lets go” I cried and I raced away.
The green dragon turned around, looked confused, and looked up at a dragon of emerald “that was weird”. The emerald dragon looked slightly off edge “did you hear those names”. He asked and the lighter dragon answered, “I caught Jess and a name like 'akeera' or something”. The emerald dragon stiffened “it can’t be”.
“That scared me to no end,” I said and I hugged Akira “oh my heart is still thumping”, Akira hugged me back “well it’s ok now we are home”. I nodded and I looked up at him “well I’m going to get a drink” Akira nodded “I’ll stay here”, I sighed and I turned towards our spring and went down to the banks and took a long sip of the cool fresh water. I put my head in it then flung my head back up and I heard a cry that belonged to Cleo “ohhh, everyone were under-”, her voice was cut off and I heard a crack and I heard more cries and scarlet flames shot up to the sky.
I stumbled and I said to myself “Akira”, I raced up to the bank and I saw my tribe flying up to the air, I saw a lone figure standing there laughing evilly he lifted his hand, a jet of blue sparks shot out and enveloped a member named Maine. He dropped, smoke searing out of his head, his tongue loped out, and he was dead.
I smothered a scream and I saw Genevieve run to Akira pulling him and I saw Bellomi looking around desperately, “Jess” he called and he looked so panicked. I saw blue sparks hit Tristian who held up long but soon he fell to a blue spark to his head blowing it on the side, the contents of head spilled out and I saw his 2 children crying then the hand was turned on them. Tequila died instantly and Pax tried to do the runner but he got a bad a blow to the back. He fell and I ducked and I saw Genevieve cry out “HELP” she screamed “Akira, Bellomi” I saw blue sparks hit her and her leg was severed and I saw Akira drop, “NO” I shrieked I ran over to Akira and he mumbled something, “don’t worry” I panted “I will get you out of here”. I picked up Akira’s front half and I began to drag him. “Jess” mumbled Akira “you need to get out of here”. “No” I replied grimly “I need you Akira, you’re my best friend”. I pulled him over to the river and I said “stay down here” Akira went to get up and I hit him back down “NO”.
I ran out having a massive burst of anger surge through me. I raced out towards the figure that stopped abruptly and yelled out in shock. I raced over to Genevieve and Bellomi and helped my best friend up, “NO” yelled Bellomi “Jess get out of here”; “No” I sobbed, “I have to help”. Sparks flew over my head, I ducked and squealed, and Bellomi pushed me back “get out” yelled Bellomi sounding scared “it’s the dragon hunter”. He pulled Genevieve up and then she screamed out and I jumped back screaming as well. I saw more blue sparks hit her in the back, it exploded, and her entire spine was blown apart, she dropped dead slumped over Bellomi’s shoulder. “AYIIIIEEEEE” I squealed “GENEVIEVE” I stepped back and Bellomi threw off the body looking horrified then he looked at me “GO” he roared “what about you” I desperately screamed at him, “GO” bellowed Bellomi flinging out his paw, I was thrown back by a magical force. I tried to get up “I got Akira, come with us” but Bellomi continued to attack me and kept throwing me back and after one more push I fell straight into the river. I scrambled up then I tumbled head first into the mud. “Gah” I spat and I tried to get up but I continued to fall over, mud and water went everywhere. “Bellomi” I yelled and I flung out my wings but they didn’t carry me, “no” I screamed I started to cry and I tried to get out of the mud but my feet were stuck fast in the oozing sticky mud. I saw Akira lying in the mud on the other side, he was struggling to get to me and I heard him yell “hold on Jess”. As much as I struggled I kept falling back down. When I reached the ledge, I fell smashing the thin layer of mud and into a deep ditch, dirt and mud fell on top of me. I gasped and I saw seeping darkness washing over me seeing blue spark raise to the sky soon everything was black.

Chapter 4
“Hmmmnnnn” I sighed, I awoke to heavy breathing and I opened my eyes sleepily, I saw black and specks of light danced around. I lifted my head and in a split second, I remembered my family and Bellomi attacking me. I lifted myself up and dry mud and dirt fell off my back, I turned and I let out a cry and I saw the vision Bellomi had shown me. The land was grey, secluded and so barren nothing was alive absolutely nothing. I looked around I still recognised where everything was even though it was not lush and green but grey and dead. There were huge mounds of dirt caused of erosion. I crawled out of the ditch still feeling cautious, I ran across the dry riverbed and I remembered “oh I hope Akira is ok and Bellomi” I ran to where the ruby dragons once lived and I saw bones of long forgotten ruby dragons littered the entire valley. I cried out and I saw the skeleton of my family and I looked around in fright and I counted off everyone in my family and I began to cry when I saw Genevieve still in the place where I saw her last but they were skeletons now. I glanced around *how long has it been* I thought to myself and I sighed and wiped away my tears but that did no good. Then I realised I have not found Bellomi nor Akira yet and I frowned and went to the riverbed where I had last seen Bellomi but no remains of him remained. I walked along and I gave a loud cry, I had found Akira, his neck was abnormal and I knew it had been broken. I turned around Bellomi must of got away but with all that magic he could not have gotten very far. I searched along the river and then I started to feel upset and I was about to call out and when I opened my mouth my stomach rumbled very loudly. I shut my mouth and looked around feeling embarrassed but I remembered that no one was around to see my blushing shame.
I lifted my wings and I leapt up into the air. I wavered when I got up in the air and I struggled for a bit but then I got the hang of flying again. I got the thrill again and I tried to do a somersault but I faltered and screamed and got back up again, I had scared myself and I decided to lay off it for a while. I looked at the valleys below, I found a big herd of grass horses on the equine valley, I swooped down and pounced on one it neighed in terror, I clamped down on its throat, and I heard the gurgle of death envelop it. The other horses raced away in fear and I hauled the carcass back to the grey valley and I recognised it from my vision I had seen off Bellomi, the grey valley was my home and I dropped the carcass of the dead horse and shuddered it started to scare me and I felt despaired. I sighed and picked up the dead body I was the only ruby dragon left. I crawled behind a huge mound and picked at the body I ate all of in half an hour. I looked up at the sky, I uttered a loud wail, and I started to wail melodic tunes that echoed out through the mountains.




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
This could use quite a bit of cleaning up structure-wise.

1- 99.9% of the time you want to have your dialogue on a new line. Put everything associated with one character on one line (the line doesn't have to start with a quote) and then the movements of another character on a new line. So these lines:


“Bellomi” I asked and he looked down at me “yes what is wrong”? He asked and I laughed, “Can you imagine the future”? Bellomi looked confused then said, “Why should I”?


Turn into these lines:

“Bellomi?” I asked. (added a question mark)

He looked down at me.Yes what is wrong”? (I deleted the "he asked and," capitalize the Y)

I laughed. “Can you imagine the future”? (Period after "laughed")

Bellomi looked confused. “Why should I”? (deleted the "then said" because he's saying this in a confused state. Replaced it with a period.)


You've also put the question marks outside the quotes when they should be inside.

2- At first I thought the narator was human, and it was only at the end that I realized she was a dragon. Make it clear what the characters are when you're using a non-human one.

3- Chapter 1 could be seriously expanded. There is zero description other than in the second vision, and that description is rather sparse. What does your dragon feel? Think? How does she move? Does she like the feeling of the ground under her, or does she find the amount of dirt annoying?

4- Why tell us the future? Is that the motivating factor for the story? If so, show us what the narraitor is going to do to make sure that future doesn't happen.

5- Your characters seem rather flat. It's hard to get a good feel of what they want/need/think because of the way the dialogue is structured.

The story itself looks like a new twist on dragons, which is very refreshing to see. It's just hard to tell because of the structure of the prose. Add some more description and put your dialogue on new lines.

I'd like to here when more is up!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Does anybody else passive-aggressively refresh the page to see if anything you said made it into the quote generator?
— GrandWild