Just To Be Cold--1940

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1639
Reviews 150
"Uh," said the Jared Colquite.

______


What if there was no one left to revere Orson Welles but me? Would I acquire some deep sense of meaning in this world? . . . No. I’m afraid that I would not. But so far it has not been proven, because I have not had the chance to ask everyone on the planet about their feelings toward a certain crazy from the forties. My Century-Twenty-One role model--from a different century.

The room was dark before I turned the light on. But not just dark, it was black as pitch; all sense of space and time had been swept away to make room for pure, silty blackness. I didn’t care for its slightly stuck-up attitude, and the light took care of all that. When the shadows had all retreated to less dangerous areas of space and time, the room they vacated became positively friendly; although I was quick to doubt its sincerity if it had let such nastiness hang around.

Thin, spidery wall-paper held tightly to the walls and met the crimson carpet in shiny tacs. Everything was exquisite in its needless intricacies; plush armchairs covered in lacy lilacs; stupefied rugs of general delinquency in their ability to perplex; and superficial paintings of epic proportions.

I could say I liked it because it distracted quite successfully. Yet before I could become entirely free of any thought besides spidery lace and the impossible way a tree can become a julep, there was a crash that saved my mind.

“Is that a wedding ring?” someone asked. Someone was sitting against the wall behind a wonderful armchair. She looked fairly comfortable.

“What was that crash?” I asked, shoving my hands into my trouser pockets and pretending like I hadn’t been almost eaten by pictures of innocent flowers.

“Woke you, didn’t it? Lucky, I say.”

I shook my head, forgetting that could imply I disagreed. Clarifying with a quick, “Sure,” I sighed at the girl on the floor. How had I found myself here?

“Is that a wedding ring?” she repeated, beginning to get to her feet.

“Where?” I asked, entirely distracted, and glancing behind me at the closed door.

“On your hand, stupid,” she laughed.

I looked at my hand. “Oh, that’s just--I mean--It doesn’t mean I’m married.”

She laughed. “I hope! You look about fifteen,” added the girl, glancing at the ceiling half-heartedly. I didn’t think I looked fifteen. I wasn’t fifteen. “What happened, then?” she asked, stepping past me to the door. “We’d better get out of here. At least until you realize where you are.”

“Sure, sure,” I said absently, trying to grasp the fact that I was confused. Everything seemed vague. I followed her out of the room and found myself in a long hallway that ended in a glass door. It was growing dim on the street, but the lights didn’t pay it any attention. Thanking them seemed in order.

“You didn’t answer. What happened?” she asked again as we found ourselves strolling along the sidewalk.

“To who?” I said, my eyes becoming glued to the chapped hands of a homeless person a few yards away. The pavement was chipped with high-heels and painted in the filth of what the heels scarcely touched, however hard they tried.

There was a cold silence where I could feel her eyes on me. “Why, to you, of course. Isn’t that who we were talking about?”

“I don’t remember us talking about anything. I don’t even know who you are.”

“Do you know who you are?”

“Cliché,” I snapped, walking a little faster.

“What I meant was, why are you wearing a wedding ring?”

“Because I didn’t get married,” I blurted, not even sure if that were the correct story. I wasn’t married, was I? But I wasn’t not-married, either. I was clamped between the two. What happens when your fiancée vanishes after you’ve said “I do” and before she says it? Is that even what happened?

“So, you’re wearing a wedding ring to signify the fact that you aren’t married?” she muttered, rubbing her hands together and then blowing into them. It was cold, wasn’t it? My hands were in my pockets and my jacket was very nice. “Are you sure that’s what it is? Perhaps you’re just wearing your engagement ring on the wrong--no, you’re too young to be engaged.”

“I was engaged,” I said slowly. “Before she put this ring on me. So, does that mean I’m old enough to be engaged, even though I’m not?”

“Even though you’re not old enough?”

“No, even though I’m not engaged!”

“How old are you?”

We were coming up on a much more choked street and the sidewalk was losing its homeless and gaining something I found much uglier. All empty space and people wanting to fill it. They weren’t just there because they wanted to be--or because they didn’t want to be--they were there as a bookend, and they didn’t mind it.

“I’m nineteen, or something. Actually, I don’t know how old I am,” I said, faltering. “Not exactly. Somewhere around nineteen or twenty, though.” I glanced down at the girl beside me and I suddenly felt horrible. My hands began to shake and my vision flitted in and out of “horror movie” and “bad photograph”. As I stared at her, she changed from beautiful, to pond-scum ugly. Her hair jumped from filth to light. I wanted to ask her who she was, and who I was, and how I had gotten in that room, and how I had begun to tell a nasty story like my own as if it were a droll piece of the evening news. I was terrified.

Of course I passed out.
Last edited by ChernobyllyInclined on Tue Dec 23, 2008 3:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 13719
Reviews 243
'Allo!

I'm going to go with grammar first:

Orson Welles, [comma] but me?

This just adds a little emphasis, and makes the reader slow down, thinking.

When the shadows had all retreated to less dangerous areas of space and time

Right now, I'm just wondering why "time" is there. There might be a nice reason; just pick it out some more--does it reference to the 1940 thing?

someone asked. Someone

Argh, evil repetition. Change the first "someone" to "a voice", helping it to give a little more of an eerie feel to it.

OK, that's it for grammar and the sort. Potential? Of course! I loved this little piece. The confusion at the start puzzled me quite a lot, and even after a couple of reads, I'm still not sure what was going on, but I'm slow like that. I'm guessing it would be explained later on in the story? I hope so, because I enjoyed reading that. I'd encourage you to continue with this. Sometimes, confusion is not the best way to get someone to carry on reading. And this, I believe, is one of those times. Be sure to make you point clearer and tone the realism up a bit for your reader (i.e. me).

Apologies for the short review, but yes, this has potential! Get going with it.

Best,
Mark.
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 168
Hi ChernobyllyInclined! I'll be your reviewer today! let's do this thing!
ChernobyllyInclined wrote:It's horribly short, but I felt like asking you to wonder if I had any potential. I already have, you see. And I've met with no certain answers. I believe I am the room with the wallpaper and such; can't be sure, though.


________



What if there was no one left to revere Orson Welles Just a random side comment, I was watched desperate housewives yesterday and one of the new characters is named orson welles. Weird huh? but me? Would I acquire some deep sense of meaning in this world? . . . elipses = bane of my existence! Get rid of them. They ruin a piece No. I’m afraid that I would not. But so far it has not been proven, because I have not had the chance to ask everyone on the planet about their feelings toward a certain crazy from the forties. Awkward, reword My Century-Twenty-One role model--from a different century.

The room was dark [s]before I turned the light on[/s]. But not just dark, it was black as pitch; all sense of space and time had been swept away to make room for pure, silty blackness. I didn’t care for its slightly stuck-up attitude This feels out of place , and when I flicked the switch on, the light took care of all that. When the shadows had all retreated to less dangerous areas of space and time You've used this already. Try to find another way to say it , the room they vacated became positively friendly; although I was quick to doubt its sincerity if it had let such nastiness hang around.

Thin, spidery wall-paper held tightly to the walls and met the crimson carpet in shiny tacs. Everything was exquisite in its needless intricacies; patterned, plush armchairs covered in lacy lilacs; stupefied rugs of general delinquency in their ability to perplex; and superficial paintings of epic proportions. Wow! Too many adjectives and adverbs! Try to cut them down!

I could say I liked it because it distracted me quite successfully. Yet before I could become entirely free of any thought besides spidery lace and the impossible way a tree can become a julep, there was a crash that saved my mind Again, doesn't feel as though it belongs .

“Is that a wedding ring?” someone asked. Someone was sitting against the wall behind a [s]wonderful [/s]armchair. She looked fairly comfortable.

“What was that crash?” I asked, shoving my hands into my trouser pockets and pretending like I hadn’t been almost eaten by pictures of innocent flowers.

“Woke you, didn’t it? Lucky, I say.”

I shook my head, forgetting that could imply I disagreed. Clarifying with a quick, “Sure,” I sighed at the girl on the floor. How had I found myself here?

“Is that a wedding ring?” she repeated, beginning to get to her feet.

“Where?” I asked, entirely distracted, and glancing behind me at the closed door.

“On your hand, stupid,” she laughed.

I looked at my hand. Oh. That’s how I got here.


Overall:

Hmmmm. I really did like it! It was very interesting and everything but I definitley had a problem as to the length. I believe this story is far from finished. We as readers get no closure (or information for that matter) at all. May it longer, give us more insight into your characters, because just by reading it like this I feel like saying "So what?". Give us reasons to care for this story because as of right now it just managed to confuse me. Also, when you are writing your story, ask yourself the three following questions:

1) What is my story about? (On both the emotional-conflict level and the movement of the plot).
2) What is idiosyncratic about my piece?
3) What does my main character want and fear? Are they the same thing?

I had trouble answering each of these questions because you provided so little information. Flesh it out. Give us details. Give us more of a reason to care about your characters.

Other than that, good job! Keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions!




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1618
Reviews 155
"Does this snippet of description have potential?"

Yeah, sure, if something happens.

Duuuuuh.

Prokaryote




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1639
Reviews 150
Actually, I wasn't really asking if it had potential. Everything has potential, anyhow. Even the most ridiculous, idiotic crap you can think of. It has potential to be crappy, or potential to be horrific, or potential to be nothing at all.

This little monster I have posted is sort of embarrassing, really. I believe I might have been intrigued by it, just because it's a little unpredictable. But it really has nothing. I wonder if I'll attack its pointless obscurities and then drown its abstract perplexion in everything. In everything, or something.

And thank you, Prok. Your review was definitely the most enlightening. What? Thanks people. Of course, thanks.

Good Christmas Merriness to all.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."



Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl