Death's Apprentice Chapter One: Suddenly

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Chapter One
Suddenly

She died. Just like that. She stood to the side of the hospital bed, watching the doctors and nurses panic. Her older brother, Tobias, was shoved to the corner of the room. He was crying. Ashy watched as they rustled around her body, trying to save her. A man stood next to her. She turned to look at him.
He had pale skin and he was so skinny he looked like skin and bones. He wore a black cloak that covered his eyes and shadowed his face. A long scythe that stood on a five-foot long staff was strapped to his back.
The man pulled his hood off his head and looked over at her, smiling sadly. He had milky blue eyes, the kind of eyes that belonged to blind people. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his cheekbones were high. His face was thin, framed by ragged black hair. Now that Ashy had seen his face, he wasn’t quite a man yet. He was younger, maybe eighteen or nineteen.
“Who are you?” Ashy asked.
“Death.” The man murmured.
“You’re not here to take me away, are you?” Ashy asked.
“Yes. Yes, I am. Your time here has come to an end.”
Ashy looked silently at the doctors, who were trying to shock her heart back into beating. She looked at her brother, who was begging for her to stay alive, to come back. Ashy looked back to Death.
“Can I tell my brother good-bye?” Ashy asked him. Death frowned at her. No one had ever asked him to say good-bye to someone before. The only time someone had asked, they had cheated him, and stayed in their body.
“You have to come back willingly.” Death murmured, seeing the longing on Ashy’s face towards her brother. Ashy nodded silently.
“Go on. Get back in your body, then.” Death said. He watched her as she climbed back into her physical body. “Be careful. You only have a couple minutes. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” Death told her. Ashy nodded, and then closed her eyes.
The pain returned to her, and she couldn’t breathe at first. Then her heart pumped, and she began to breathe again. “She’s stable.” One of the doctors said. Tobias shoved through the legion of doctors and looked down at his little sister.
“Ashy, I thought you were gone for good.” Tobias sighed, placing a hand on Ashy’s cheek.
“Tobias, I only came back to tell you good-bye. I’ll be gone in a couple minutes.” Ashy murmured. Tobias looked at her, confused.
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“I mean, I’m gonna be dead in a couple minutes. He’s right over there, waiting for me.” Ashy murmured, looking back over to Death. He stood there, his hood pulled back over his head, scythe now in his hands as he played with the sharp point.
Tobias looked over in confusion, but saw nothing. The doctors peered over, wondering. No one saw anything. “You can’t see him, can you?” Ashy asked, slightly dazed. She looked over at Death for help. Death just shrugged his thin shoulders.
“It’s your good-bye, not mine.” He murmured.
Ashy looked up at Tobias and said, “Promise you’ll take care of Haven for me?” Tobias nodded, tears running down his face again. Haven was Ashy’s husky puppy, who was probably more loyal than Lassie.
Haven would be sad when Ashy didn’t come home. He would whine until around 9:00 that night, and then he would go into her room and curl up on her bed. He would wait for Tobias to come in there and tuck Ashy in, and then Ashy would read to him like they always did.
“Bye, Tobias.” Ashy murmured.
She died again.
The doctors didn’t do anything to save her. They just watched as she died. Tobias went crazy, trying to get them to do something, trying to get the doctors to save his little sister. But there was nothing they could do. Ashy had already taken Death’s hand.
* ^ *
Ashy was tired by the time Death had taken her to the judging room. She hadn’t been in the storage rooms for very long, only for a while. Two or three hours minimum, they had said. She had only been in there two or three minutes.
The place had a hard, rocky, brown ground with lava lighting the room. There was a deep red crack that ran along one side of the room, and then there was a gleaming golden staircase on the other side, which led into the clouds. There were two chairs in front of them: one made of a cloud, and one made of thorns and rock.
Two men sat in these chairs: both were a little taller than regular men, but not by much. One man wore all white, white pants, white shoes, white shirt. He glowed. The other man, the one that sat in the thorny chair, wore all black and red, and was glaring at her hungrily, as if she were his next meal.
Ashy moved closer to Death, frightened. His cloak brushed her cheek as she cowered next to him. The man in white smiled gently. The man in red just kept glaring. “She’s too young to go to Hell. She hasn’t done anything sinful, so she will go to Heaven. Death, escort her.” The man in white said.
Death turned Ashy towards the golden stairs when the man in red said, “Now wait just a minute! How come you always get the kids? Why don’t I ever get the kids?” God, the man in white, rolled his eyes.
“You get as many adults as you please if they’ve done something bad. Be fair.” God grumbled.
“Life isn’t fair!” Satan, the man in red, roared. There was a small cough, and everyone turned. For the first time, Ashy noticed the young women standing there, dressed in a white cloak. She was beautiful, with her golden curls and her bright blue eyes. Ashy felt it. That was Life.
Satan turned back to God and said, “You know what I mean.”
God sighed and said to Death, “Take her back to the storage rooms until we can decide.” Death nodded his head respectfully. He turned and led Ashy back to the storage rooms.
No one was very talkative. Everybody had formed cliques, people of their own “ages.” Ashy stayed apart from everyone. She wanted to be alone. She wished she could see Tobias. Ashy lay down in one of the black clouds and shut her eyes, wishing she could sleep.
Ashy stayed like that for hours. It seemed like hours, at least. She couldn’t really tell time in this place. Ashy felt lonely, for the first time in her life. Tobias had always been with her, even before their parents had died. Now no one was with her, and she was alone.
When everyone had moved to some other place, Ashy stayed where she was. She was waiting. She didn’t know what for, she just felt as if she should wait.
“You know, you shouldn’t sulk. There isn’t really anything you can do about it.” Ashy looked up when she heard Death’s voice. He was standing next to her, looking down at her. His scythe was in his hands.
“I know.” Ashy sighed, sitting up. She stretched, although that luxurious feeling wasn’t really there, for she felt neither pain nor relief. Death sat down beside her on the black cloud. There was silence.
“You know, when I died, I was scared to. They took me in the storage rooms, and I never even saw the Big Guys. The old Death, the Death before me, came to me one time and asked me if I would like to be his apprentice. I said yes. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do.” Death looked at her.
“My parents died a long time ago. I had weird dreams after that. My mom was in them. She was telling me not to be afraid, and to stay with Tobias.” Ashy sighed heavily. “I can’t, now.” She murmured.
Death was silent again. Then he turned and said, “I haven’t taken someone like you in a very long time. Probably about sixteen centuries ago, there was this Princess that was kind of like you. She was the youngest, almost nine. She was taken hostage and killed that way.”
“This is supposed to be comforting to me?” Ashy asked, looking at him again. Death shrugged innocently.
“I don’t know. I just.... I guess it was strange that you didn’t seem to mind me taking you away... You didn’t seem to care that much. Most people start screaming and trying to run. Other people don’t say anything and they just come. But you... You just.... You were willing to go.” Death said, cocking his head at her.
“I was happy to go. Except... Tobias. Now he’s alone.” Ashy sighed.
“He has Haven.” Death told her pointedly.
“Haven was more my dog. Tobias got him for me about a year after our parents died. He thought that it might take our minds off things. I picked him out.”
“Haven’s a good dog.”
“He’ll be sad when I don’t come home. He’ll whine like when he sees a squirrel.” Ashy giggled at the thought of her little puppy whining crazily at the squirrel that had been eating a nut on the front porch, taunting him. Tobias had been forced to open the door and run the squirrel off.
Ashy’s face fell. She would never see Tobias or Haven again.
“Ashy, you really shouldn’t be sad. You’re getting an opportunity that no other will get in here for a very long time.” Death murmured. Ashy turned to him, looking confused.
“What kind of opportunity?” She asked, curious.
“Would you like to be my apprentice?” Death asked slowly. Ashy thought of what he had said earlier. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do.
“Yes,” Ashy answered slowly. “I think I’d like that.”
There are only two keys to a good life: the key to happiness, and the key to the house

-Marie Wingbane




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shadowed_mist --

Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red.

She died. [Excellent first sentence; short, snappy, draws attention.] Just like that. She stood to [I would use the word at, personally.] the side of the hospital bed, watching the doctors and nurses panic. Her older brother, Tobias, was shoved to the corner of the room. He was crying. Ashy watched as they rustled around her body, trying to save her. A man stood next to her. She turned to look at him.

[Okay, the preceding paragraph was awfully confusing in terms of the spatial arrangement of the characters. It wasn't clear to me until later in the story that Ashy was looking down on her own body.]

He had pale skin and he was so skinny he looked like skin and bones. He wore a black cloak that covered his eyes and shadowed his face. A long scythe that stood on a five-foot long staff was strapped to his back. [Hm. This portrayal of Death is very cliched -- couldn't you come up with something a bit more original? The scythe, the black cloak; this has been done a million times before.]

The man pulled his hood off his head and looked over at her, smiling sadly. He had milky blue eyes, the kind of eyes that belonged to blind people. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his cheekbones were high. His face was thin, framed by ragged black hair. Now that Ashy had seen his face, she could see that he wasn’t quite a man yet. He was younger, maybe eighteen or nineteen.

“Who are you?” Ashy asked.

“Death,the man murmured.

“You’re not here to take me away, are you?” Ashy asked. [This tag is unnecessary; when there is a dialogue between only two people, you can drop some tags if they don't add to the way the words are spoken. Also, you used asked just two sentences up, and repetition is bad.]

“Yes. Yes, I am. Your time here has come to an end.”

Ashy looked silently at the doctors, who were trying to shock her heart back into beating. She looked at her brother, who was begging for her to stay alive, to come back. Ashy looked back to Death. [A lot of looks. Again, repetition.]

“Can I tell my brother good-bye?” Ashy asked him. Death frowned at her. No one had ever asked him to say good-bye to someone before. The only time someone had asked, they had cheated him, and stayed in their body. [This seems really odd. Only one other person asked? That doesn't sound realistic.]

“You have to come back willingly,” Death murmured, seeing the longing on Ashy’s face towards her brother. [The wording of that sentence is weird. Longing towards? How about "longing for"?] Ashy nodded silently.

“Go on. Get back in your body, then,” Death said. He watched her as she climbed back into her physical body. “Be careful. You only have a couple minutes. I’ll be right here when you’re ready,” Death told her. Ashy nodded, and then closed her eyes.

The pain returned to her, and she couldn’t breathe at first. Then her heart pumped, [Watch out for thens! They can be a clumsy way to transition between sentences, and you've got two within close proximity; again, repetition.] and she began to breathe again. “She’s stable,one of the doctors said. Tobias shoved through the legion of doctors and looked down at his little sister.

“Ashy, I thought you were gone for good,” Tobias sighed, placing a hand on Ashy’s cheek.

“Tobias, I only came back to tell you good-bye. I’ll be gone in a couple minutes,” Ashy murmured. Tobias looked at her, confused.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean, I’m gonna be dead in a couple minutes. He’s right over there, waiting for me,” Ashy murmured, [You said murmured again! You just said it two sentences up. Repetition is bad, repetition is bad.] looking back over to Death. He stood there, his hood pulled back over his head, scythe now in his hands as he played with the sharp point.

Tobias looked over in confusion, but saw nothing. The doctors peered over, wondering. No one saw anything. “You can’t see him, can you?” Ashy asked, slightly dazed. She looked over at Death for help. [s]Death[/s] He just shrugged his thin shoulders.

“It’s your good-bye, not mine,he murmured.

Ashy looked up at Tobias and said, “Promise you’ll take care of Haven for me?” Tobias nodded, tears running down his face again. Haven was Ashy’s husky puppy, who was probably more loyal than Lassie.

Haven would be sad when Ashy didn’t come home. He would whine until around 9:00 that night, and [s]then[/s] he would go into her room and curl up on her bed. He would wait for Tobias to come in there and tuck Ashy in, and [s]then[/s] Ashy would read to him like they always did.[/color=red][There are those thens again. Kill 'em!][/color]

“Bye, Tobias,” Ashy murmured. [You like that word. May I suggest muttered, mumbled, or whispered instead?]

She died again.

The doctors didn’t do anything to save her. They just watched as she died. Tobias went crazy, trying to get them to do something, trying to get the doctors to save his little sister. But there was nothing they could do. Ashy had already taken Death’s hand.

* ^ *

Ashy was tired by the time Death had taken her to the judging room. She hadn’t been in the storage rooms for very long, only for a while. Two or three hours minimum, they had said. She had only been in there two or three minutes. [Wait, what? Contradictions.]

The place had a hard, rocky, brown ground with lava lighting the room. There was a deep red crack that ran along one side of the room, and [s]then[/s] there was a gleaming golden staircase on the other side, which led into the clouds. There were two chairs in front of them: one made of a cloud, and one made of thorns and rock.

Two men sat in these chairs: both were a little taller than regular men, but not by much. One man wore all white, white pants, white shoes, white shirt. He glowed. The other man, the one that sat in the thorny chair, wore all black and red, and was glaring at her hungrily, as if she were his next meal. [Here are these cliched portrayals again.]

Ashy moved closer to Death, frightened. His cloak brushed her cheek as she cowered next to him. The man in white smiled gently. The man in red just kept glaring. “She’s too young to go to Hell. She hasn’t done anything sinful, so she will go to Heaven. Death, escort her,the man in white said.

Death turned Ashy towards the golden stairs when the man in red said, “Now wait just a minute! How come you always get the kids? Why don’t I ever get the kids?” God, the man in white, rolled his eyes.

“You get as many adults as you please if they’ve done something bad. Be fair,” God grumbled.

“Life isn’t fair!” Satan, the man in red, roared. There was a small cough, and everyone turned. For the first time, Ashy noticed the young women standing there, dressed in a white cloak. She was beautiful, with her golden curls and her bright blue eyes. Ashy felt it. That was Life.

Satan turned back to God and said, “You know what I mean.”

God sighed and said to Death, “Take her back to the storage rooms until we can decide.” Death nodded his head respectfully. He turned and led Ashy back to the storage rooms.

No one was very talkative. Everybody had formed cliques, people of their own “ages.” Ashy stayed apart from everyone. She wanted to be alone. She wished she could see Tobias. Ashy lay down in one of the black clouds and shut her eyes, wishing she could sleep.

Ashy stayed like that for hours. It seemed like hours, at least. She couldn’t really tell time in this place. [s]Ashy[/s] She felt lonely, for the first time in her life. Tobias had always been with her, even before their parents had died. Now no one was with her, and she was alone.

When everyone had moved to some other place, Ashy stayed where she was. She was waiting. She didn’t know what for, she just felt as if she should wait.

“You know, you shouldn’t sulk. There isn’t really anything you can do about it.” Ashy looked up when she heard Death’s voice. He was standing next to her, looking down at her. [Find some other way of saying this. The two hers so close together make my eyes bleed.] His scythe was in his hands.

“I know,” Ashy sighed, sitting up. She stretched, although that luxurious feeling wasn’t really there, for she felt neither pain nor relief. Death sat down beside her on the black cloud. There was silence.

“You know, when I died, I was scared to. They took me in the storage rooms, and I never even saw the Big Guys. The old Death, the Death before me, came to me one time and asked me if I would like to be his apprentice. I said yes. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do.” Death looked at her.

“My parents died a long time ago. I had weird dreams after that. My mom was in them. She was telling me not to be afraid, and to stay with Tobias,” Ashy sighed heavily. “I can’t, now,she murmured.

Death was silent again. Then [<< You know what to do with this guy.] he turned and said, “I haven’t taken someone like you in a very long time. Probably about sixteen centuries ago, there was this Princess that was kind of like you. She was the youngest, almost nine. She was taken hostage and killed that way.”

“This is supposed to be comforting to me?” Ashy asked, looking at him again. Death shrugged innocently. [Haha. Death shrugged innocently. I like it.]

“I don’t know. I just.... I guess it was strange that you didn’t seem to mind me taking you away... You didn’t seem to care that much. Most people start screaming and trying to run. Other people don’t say anything and they just come. But you... you just.... you were willing to go.” Death said, cocking his head at her.

“I was happy to go. Except... Tobias. Now he’s alone.” Ashy sighed.

“He has Haven,” Death told her pointedly.

“Haven was more my dog. Tobias got him for me about a year after our parents died. He thought that it might take our minds off things. I picked him out.”

“Haven’s a good dog.”

“He’ll be sad when I don’t come home. He’ll whine like when he sees a squirrel.” Ashy giggled at the thought of her little puppy whining crazily at the squirrel that had been eating a nut on the front porch, taunting him. Tobias had been forced to open the door and run the squirrel off.

Ashy’s face fell. She would never see Tobias or Haven again.

“Ashy, you really shouldn’t be sad. You’re getting an opportunity that no other will get in here for a very long time,” Death murmured. [Urgh, that word again. Normally I'm fine with it, but change it up a bit.] Ashy turned to him, looking confused.

“What kind of opportunity?” she asked, curious.

“Would you like to be my apprentice?” Death asked slowly. Ashy thought of what he had said earlier. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do.

“Yes,” Ashy answered slowly. “I think I’d like that.”


*

Now that we've got that out of the way...

The central concept is good. I like the idea; it's a breath of fresh air. But you nearly ruin it with your stock-characters and a generic picture of the afterlife. Creativity is definitely needed. Does God always have to be wearing white clothes? Does death always have to be a cloaked man carrying a scythe? No. The answer is no.

Vary your sentence structure. At some places you have too much "he did this, he did that" -- how is that fun to read? There are many different ways to construct a sentence. In general, a bunch of similar wording will turn the reader off. For example, if you've got two short sentences close together, make the next one longer. Just vary things.

Learn your dialogue rules. These sites ought to help:
Writing Dialogue
Dialogue: Punctuation, Capitalization, and Spacing

Overall: The idea has enormous potential, but this chapter is bland and cliched. If you can inject a bit more life and creativity into it, you might have something.

Best of luck!

Prokaryote




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The first review nearly took the ideas out of my mouth. You have a good concept going. It isn't like everything else. However, the Death/afterlife cliches should be gotten rid of.

Hope this helps:
Ack. Works is screwing up, so my critique will take place in one uber-quote.

Chapter One

Suddenly


She died. Just like that. She stood to the side of the hospital bed, watching the doctors and nurses panic. Her older brother, Tobias, was shoved to the corner of the room. He was crying. Ashy watched as they rustled around her body, trying to save her. A man stood next to her. She turned to look at him.

He had pale skin and he was so skinny he looked like skin and bones. You say the word skin three times in this one sentence. It becomes repetitive. He wore a black cloak that covered his eyes and shadowed his face. A long scythe that stood on a five-foot long staff was strapped to his back.ho hum. generic death sentence here

The man pulled his hood off his head and looked over at her, smiling sadly. He had milky blue eyes, the kind of eyes that belonged to blind people. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his cheekbones were high. His face was thin, framed by ragged black hair. Now that Ashy had seen his face, he wasn’t quite a man yet. He was younger, maybe eighteen or nineteen.

“Who are you?” Ashy asked.

“Death.” The man murmured.

“You’re not here to take me away, are you?” Ashy asked. Ashy already seems annoying. She asks the most obvious questions. "You're not here to take me away, are you?" Well, duh!

“Yes. Yes, I am. Your time here has come to an end.” Would Death really be that nice? I would picture him as being busy and impatient. Whatever, your story :)

Ashy looked silently at the doctors, who were trying to shock her heart back into beating. She looked at her brother, who was begging for her to stay alive, to come back. Ashy looked back to Death.

“Can I tell my brother good-bye?” Ashy asked him. Death frowned at her. No one had ever asked him to say good-bye to someone before. Only one? In all the time there has been death, only one person asked to stay behind? The only time someone had asked, they had cheated him, and stayed in their body. And they would've died anyway, so what does he care?

“You have to come back willingly.” Death murmured, seeing the longing on Ashy’s face towards her brother. Ashy nodded silently. Death murmurs a lot, doesn't he?

“Go on. Get back in your body, then.” Death said. He watched her as she climbed back into her physical body. “Be careful. You only have a couple minutes. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” Death told her. Ashy nodded, and then closed her eyes.

The pain returned to her, and she couldn’t breathe at first. Then her heart pumped, and she began to breathe again. “She’s stable.” One of the doctors said. Tobias shoved through the legion of doctors and looked down at his little sister.

“Ashy, I thought you were gone for good.” Tobias sighed, placing a hand on Ashy’s cheek.

“Tobias, I only came back to tell you good-bye. I’ll be gone in a couple minutes.” Ashy murmured. Tobias looked at her, confused.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“I mean, I’m gonna be dead in a couple minutes. He’s right over there, waiting for me.” Ashy murmured, looking back over to Death. He stood there, his hood pulled back over his head, scythe now in his hands as he played with the sharp point.

Tobias looked over in confusion, but saw nothing. The doctors peered over, wondering. No one saw anything. “You can’t see him, can you?” Ashy asked, slightly dazed. She looked over at Death for help. Death just shrugged his thin shoulders.

“It’s your good-bye, not mine.” he murmured. I fixed a capitalization error here. Why does everyone murmur???

Ashy looked up at Tobias and said, “Promise you’ll take care of Haven for me?” Tobias nodded, tears running down his face again. Haven was Ashy’s husky puppy, who was probably more loyal than Lassie.

Haven would be sad when Ashy didn’t come home. He would whine until around 9:00 that night, and then he would go into her room and curl up on her bed. He would wait for Tobias to come in there and tuck Ashy in, and then Ashy would read to him like they always did.

“Bye, Tobias.” Ashy murmured.

She died again.

The doctors didn’t do anything to save her. They just watched as she died. Tobias went crazy, trying to get them to do something, trying to get the doctors to save his little sister. But there was nothing they could do. Ashy had already taken Death’s hand.

* ^ *

Ashy was tired by the time Death had taken her to the judging room. She hadn’t been in the storage rooms for very long, only for a while. Two or three hours minimum, they had said. She had only been in there two or three minutes.

The place had a hard, rocky, brown ground with lava lighting the room. There was a deep red crack that ran along one side of the room, and then there was a gleaming golden staircase on the other side, which led into the clouds. There were two chairs in front of them: one made of a cloud, and one made of thorns and rock.

Two men sat in these chairs: both were a little taller than regular men, but not by much. One man wore all white, white pants, white shoes, white shirt. He glowed. The other man, the one that sat in the thorny chair, wore all black and red, and was glaring at her hungrily, as if she were his next meal.

Ashy moved closer to Death, frightened. His cloak brushed her cheek as she cowered next to him. The man in white smiled gently. The man in red just kept glaring. “She’s too young to go to Hell. She hasn’t done anything sinful, so she will go to Heaven. Death, escort her.” The man in white said.

Death turned Ashy towards the golden stairs when the man in red said, “Now wait just a minute! How come you always get the kids? Why don’t I ever get the kids?” God, the man in white, rolled his eyes.

“You get as many adults as you please if they’ve done something bad. Be fair.” God grumbled.

“Life isn’t fair!” Satan, the man in red, roared. There was a small cough, and everyone turned. For the first time, Ashy noticed the young women standing there, dressed in a white cloak. She was beautiful, with her golden curls and her bright blue eyes. Ashy felt it. That was Life. Nice description.

Satan turned back to God and said, “You know what I mean.”

God sighed and said to Death, “Take her back to the storage rooms until we can decide.” Death nodded his head respectfully. He turned and led Ashy back to the storage rooms.

No one was very talkative. Everybody had formed cliques, people of their own “ages.” Ashy stayed apart from everyone. She wanted to be alone. She wished she could see Tobias. Ashy lay down in one of the black clouds and shut her eyes, wishing she could sleep.

Ashy stayed like that for hours. It seemed like hours, at least. She couldn’t really tell time in this place. Ashy felt lonely, for the first time in her life. Tobias had always been with her, even before their parents had died. Now no one was with her, and she was alone.

When everyone had moved to some other place, Ashy stayed where she was. She was waiting. She didn’t know what for, she just felt as if she should wait.

“You know, you shouldn’t sulk. There isn’t really anything you can do about it.” Ashy looked up when she heard Death’s voice. He was standing next to her, looking down at her. His scythe was in his hands.

“I know.” Ashy sighed, sitting up. She stretched, although that luxurious feeling wasn’t really there, for she felt neither pain nor relief. Death sat down beside her on the black cloud. There was silence.

“You know, when I died, I was scared, too. They took me in the storage rooms, and I never even saw the Big Guys. The old Death, the Death before me, came to me one time and asked me if I would like to be his apprentice. I said yes. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do.” Death looked at her. I fixed a grammatical error

“My parents died a long time ago. I had weird dreams after that. My mom was in them. She was telling me not to be afraid, and to stay with Tobias.” Ashy sighed heavily. “I can’t, now.” She murmured.

Death was silent again. Then he turned and said, “I haven’t taken someone like you in a very long time. Probably about sixteen centuries ago, there was this Princess that was kind of like you. She was the youngest, almost nine. She was taken hostage and killed that way.”

“This is supposed to be comforting to me?” Ashy asked, looking at him again. Death shrugged innocently.

“I don’t know. I just.... I guess it was strange that you didn’t seem to mind me taking you away... You didn’t seem to care that much. Most people start screaming and trying to run. Other people don’t say anything and they just come. But you... You just.... You were willing to go.” Death said, cocking his head at her.

“I was happy to go. Except... Tobias. Now he’s alone.” Ashy sighed.

“He has Haven.” Death told her pointedly.

“Haven was more my dog. Tobias got him for me about a year after our parents died. He thought that it might take our minds off things. I picked him out.” Um, the kids live alone? Highly unreasonable/cliche.

“Haven’s a good dog.”

“He’ll be sad when I don’t come home. He’ll whine like when he sees a squirrel.” Ashy giggled at the thought of her little puppy whining crazily at the squirrel that had been eating a nut on the front porch, taunting him. Tobias had been forced to open the door and run the squirrel off.

Ashy’s face fell. She would never see Tobias or Haven again.

“Ashy, you really shouldn’t be sad. You’re getting an opportunity that no other will get in here for a very long time.” Death murmured. Stop murmuring!Ashy turned to him, looking confused.

“What kind of opportunity?” She asked, curious.

“Would you like to be my apprentice?” Death asked slowly. Ashy thought of what he had said earlier. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do.

“Yes,” Ashy answered slowly. “I think I’d like that.”
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Points 890
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This was an interesting first chapter. I like you imagery of the 4. Can't wait for the next chapters!
if you would be a writer - then write!




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Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 36
Hello!

This is a brilliant, original idea.
However, I think that in some parts you could be a bit more creative-I agree with what was said earlier about the generic idea of afterlife.

Your introduction is fantastic. It drew me right in.

I think that you could characterise God, the Devil, Life a bit more.

However, on the whole, I really enjoyed it and will read the other chapters!

Ashy's character is brilliant, and she does draw the reader in.
And the Tobias-Ashy drama was so sad!! Some fab emotional scenes!!

Well done!
'Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night'-Edgar Allan Poe

'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent'-Eleanor Roosevelt



Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus